Music wins this war

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Reviews 145
An ancient piano rests silently
in its forgotten memory.
The room deserted for decades.

Pale sunlight struggles to glimmer
through the grim-coated windows.
Those tall, elegant windows,
once so beautiful in their simplistic design.

Dark oak windowsills are cloaked in
layers of yellowed, frayed curtains.
Once stunning in their lacy lengths.

Enough light is gleaned to shadow
the sole object of the place;
a dusty, crippled piano.
Its keys are stained, the pearly whiteness faded.

The black glossiness coated in filth,
the fantastic grandeur diminished.
Once the grandest sight, it sat in its royal kingliness.

A sheet of music rests tenderly
on the weary instrument.
Weary from long years of painful silence.

The paper is tearing at the corners,
dismayed at the lack of protection from
the withering sun. Its pure white complexion
In ruined, tanned; left with old coffee stains.

A gentle old clock hangs from the cracking walls,
unperturbed by the lack of company.
Unperturbed, for time is but a little concern
to one who’s life depends upon it.

A wooden chair stands quietly by
the rough-hewn desk,
which waits for a coat of polish.
Waits at the long-shut door.

Everything sits in continuous monotony.
Monotony that drags on forever.
For what else can they do?

The door creaks!
Its rusty hinges give ready protest.
All wait in foreboding quiet,
wait for the visitor to leave.
“This door is jammed.”

But no…
in steps a girl.
She makes her way to the forlorn piano,
footsteps thudding heavily.
With each step, dust particles rise in a furious frenzy.

The groaning floorboards complain
over the unwelcome use.
Unwelcome, for who should like to be stood upon?

The weight continues to slam down
till she reaches the piano bench,
forgotten till now in his master's shadow.

With a slender hand she pulls it out,
and sits, unmindful of the dirt.
Elegant fingers stroke the keys lovingly,
A caress, before she begins to play.

With the first sound, tinny banging fills the air.
Fills the air, ends the silence.
The long cold reign of silence.

She continues to play, the notes softening.
Yellow departs from the keys,
dust slowly disappears, clean and bright the room becomes.
With sweet echoes resounding.

With each note, each key pressed,
The room regains its splendor.

The tinny piano, long forgotten,
Sings now in melodious praise.
Praise to the girl who killed the silence.

Adoration is evident in the very tones of the instrument.
For unearthly music spills forth.
Beautiful notes dance in the air…

from now unto forever...


This is a poem I 'recreated'. I wrote it like 3 years ago, but it was lost. It was one of my favorite works, and so I tried to write another one the same. This new one is much longer, and of course, different then the original, but the theme is the same. Please critique! Tell me if you think it's too long! Thanks!!
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.




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Reviews 884
An ancient piano rests silently
in its forgotten memory. The way this is worded is a little weird...
The room deserted for decades. I think this could be put a little more poetically. It just lacks rhythm.

Pale sunlight struggles to glimmer
through the grim-coated windows.
Those tall, elegant windows,
once so beautiful in their simplistic design. This paragraph was a lot better.

Dark oak windowsills are cloaked in
layers of yellowed, frayed curtains,
Once stunning in their lacy lengths.

Enough light is gleaned to shadow
the sole object of the place;
a dusty, crippled piano.
Its keys are stained, the pearly whiteness faded.

The black glossiness coated in filth,
the fantastic grandeur diminished.
Once the grandest sight, it sat in its royal kingliness.

A sheet of music rests tenderly
on the weary instrument.
Weary from long years of painful silence.

The paper is tearing at the corners,
dismayed at the lack of protection from
the withering sun. Its pure white complexion
In ruined, tanned; left with old coffee stains.

A gentle old clock hangs from the cracking walls,
unperturbed by the lack of company.
Unperturbed, for time is but a little concern
to one who’s life depends upon it. I like this stanza.

A wooden chair stands quietly by
the rough-hewn desk,
which waits for a coat of polish.
Waits at the long-shut door.

Everything sits in continuous monotony.
Monotony that drags on forever.
For what else can they do?

The door creaks!
Its rusty hinges give ready protest.
All wait in foreboding quiet,
wait for the visitor to leave.
“This door is jammed.”

But no…
in steps a girl.
She makes her way to the forlorn piano,
footsteps thudding heavily.
With each step, dust particles rise in a furious frenzy.

The groaning floorboards complain
over the unwelcome use.
Unwelcome, for who should like to be stood upon?

The weight continues to slam down
till she reaches the piano bench,
forgotten till now in his master's shadow.

With a slender hand she pulls it out,
and sits, unmindful of the dirt.
Elegant fingers stroke the keys lovingly,
A caress, before she begins to play.

With the first sound, tinny banging fills the air.
Fills the air, ends the silence.
The long cold reign of silence.

She continues to play, the notes softening.
Yellow departs from the keys,
dust slowly disappears, clean and bright the room becomes.
With sweet echoes resounding.

With each note, each key pressed,
The room regains its splendor.

The tinny piano, long forgotten,
Sings now in melodious praise.
Praise to the girl who killed the silence.

Adoration is evident in the very tones of the instrument.
For unearthly music spills forth.
Beautiful notes dance in the air…

from now unto forever... Interesting ending.




I think this could use some work, but I really like the story and it's pretty well-written. The problem is that it sounds a little too story-like, and doesn't have enough poetry elements. I think expanding it into some more creative sentences here now and then (without going crazy about it) would help, just adding more metaphor and allusion. Right now it's really good, and all in all I like it a lot, but I think that it could be even better.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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Points 1040
Reviews 22
I really like this poem. Its dramatic and was crafted very well. There are no changes that I would make in this poem, I like it the way it is. It really left a lasting affect on me, and I will probably be thinking about this poem for quite sometime. It has actually gifted me with quite a bit of musical inspiration and I thank you for that as well. Bravo.
Hess<3




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Gender Female
Points 1859
Reviews 34
What a splendid poem! I truly enjoyed reading it. I really didn't care that it was long, I just kept reading it because the poem just kept my interest for so long. I was just so interested in reading it because of the vivid details and vocabulary! I must say, you are extremely talented! I am so glad you 'recreated' this poem! I truly love the imagery and the words you used. For example,

"Pale sunlight struggles to glimmer
through the grim-coated windows.
Those tall, elegant windows,
once so beautiful in their simplistic design."

I really liked how you described the windows, the sunlight, and how the sunlight struggled to glimmer. Another example is,

"The paper is tearing at the corners,
dismayed at the lack of protection from
the withering sun. Its pure white complexion
In ruined, tanned; left with old coffee stains."

This one also shows the vivid vocabulary and imagery you used. However, I noticed you wrote "in ruined". I think you should change it to in ruin. Just one minor adjustment.

Also, I really liked the message in the poem, which, to me, is if you come into a room and use it after it has collected dust and become old, then it will become lively again for the first time in a long time. Maybe, I'm a bit off or really off on the message in the poem, but that's what the message is to me. I definitely urge you to keep writing poetry!
"A writer should write with his eyes and a painter paint with his ears." - Gertrude Stein




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Points 2486
Reviews 21
Hey
I enjoyed the poem from start to finish, your descriptions were brilliant, I could really picture this in my minds eye. Yet in terms of poetry i felt that your rhytm was there, yet the rhyme was not, and many a time the rhythm itslef was lost. It rally was a great read, just with minor faults I fell in terms of poetry, but then again I love poems with rhyme and rhythm ever present. The length could be shortened as many readers may find it tedious, but personally it held my attention throughout. All I can suggest is to try working on the poetic relevance of the poem. keep writing and review this poem, because I see it as being a great one with tweaks in the right areas.
ToLy
"You know you're in love when you can't go to sleep, because reality is finally better than your dreams." Dr Seuss




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Gender Female
Points 367
Reviews 165
Okay I can already tell I will like this because (and now I quote my life's theme: ) English is only my second language. Music is my first. I have been playing piano for eight years, and since then have picked up about seven other instruments....anyway, to the review!

through the grim-coated windows.

Wouldn't this be grime-coated windows?

a dusty, crippled piano.

This piano has already been mentioned, so wouldn't it be the piano at this point?

dismayed at the lack of protection from
the withering sun.

You've already mentioned that the sun is struggling to get through the curtains, so how is it so withering as to tear the paper?

Its pure white complexion
In ruined, tanned

This doesn't quite make sense. I think you intended your "ruined" to be "ruins."

Unperturbed, for time is but a little concern
to one who’s life depends upon it.

There's nothing wrong with these lines. I just absolutely loved them. I think this phrase can apply to just about anything...anything that people depend on.

This was absolutely incredible. I wish I were that girl.
Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
On a big black block.



I only know that learning to believe in the power of my own words has been the most freeing experience of my life. It has brought me the most light. And isn't that what a poem is? A lantern glowing in the dark.
— Elizabeth Acevedo, The Poet X