Gallusa The Woman

[Hey, friends! I would just like to consult to you this piece. It's just a part of the story but I want to ask if the narration is okay.]

The woman sat in front the wide mirror. She combed her ebony hair artistically and gently as if it were a very fragile matter. The chamber was partially illuminated by the perpetual beauty of the full moon and the glow of the mirror and by the woman’s graceful movements, a scene most appealing to any artist. Atop the elongated mirror frame---which was patterned with curves and intertwining vines with two common stilts on the sides---was a sculpted figure that likely symbolized Aphrodite. The reflection overwhelmed the woman, so then did she deem herself an enchantress of some sort.
The woman, whom everyone in the family called now Gallusa, sat erect on the antique stool and looked still on her stunning reflection. She stared at herself for hours as if for the first time, she realized how splendid she was. Oddly, Gallusa leered at the mirror and scrutinized the angle that she thought would likely be her most wonderful, seductive pose (which will probably be what you’ll see in her future pictrures).
The door of the dimly lit room creaked open, Gallusa not being disturbed even a little. A wrinkled woman, who was Gallusa’s mother, peeped through and managed to observe her daughter pose femininely. The mother smiled and adored such beauty she beheld and felt proud of herself having born this child. Even more was she amazed at Gallusa’s slender, soft, shapely body, rounded hips and silky hair that flowed smoothly on her tender shoulders and arms.
The mother suddenly stopped her reverie and said, “Sss… I mean, child. The dinner is ready. Now would you mind going downstairs and just continue whatever you’re doing later?”
Gallusa turned her head and said in an overly ladylike manner, “I will be down in a second, mother.” She tilted her head and smiled slowly, her eyes blinking once.
The mother grinned at her daughter’s expression and then closed the door.

Morning, Cao.

Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but I believe you spent a considerable amount of time with the thesaurus while writing this piece. If not, then you must have spent considerable time using obscure words you dredged up from the cobwebbed recesses of your vocabulary, because often, the words you chose contain connotations inappropriate for the manner in which you used the aforementioned words. Perhaps a bit more reading would help your prose; being aware of the connotations of words is as important as being aware of their existence.

I find the narration cracked and faded, if anything. It's a dying city desperately clinging to whatever it can in an attempt to revitalize itself. In your attempt at brightening it, you jumped over the bridge and headed straight for purple prose territory, and this is deplorable. There are minor infodumps here and there, and you can afford to cut a few sentences in favor of letting the reader slowly figure out things for themselves.

For example: telling us Gallusa is vain and beautiful pales in comparison to showing us how she beams at her own reflection and ignores all the stares men send her way.

Your dialog needs complete reworking. You seem unsure of the time period this piece is set in. The first two sentences hint at a historical period, but the later ones blow that hypothesis into the air and point at modern times. Read more historical books and do more research if you want it set in a historical time period.

Last but not least, you spend an inordinate amount of time describing each and every movement your characters make. This isn't Flash, nor is it a stop-motion picture. You needn't describe every detail. We can make it out for ourselves, thank you very much. Leave a few of them out and allow the reader's imagination some leeway. He'll be thankful for it.

Since this is an excerpt, I understand why there is nothing to comment about in terms of plot and conflict. However, I'd like to remind you that each and every scene in your novel must serve a purpose. As far as I can tell, this scene has been plunked into the novel merely to demonstrate how beautiful and vain Gallusa is, when that can very easily be accomplished alongside something else in a different scene. However, I'm afraid I can't say anything for certain, because as you said, this is an excerpt, and I'd need more context in order to figure out whether or not this scene is worth keeping.

Hi! I'd like to tell you first off that I really enjoyed your piece. Aziraphale is very critical: he's given me a bad review too. DO NOT LET HIM STOP YOU THINKING THAT THIS IS A GOOD, ACCOMPLISHED STORY...it is a little too purple-prosed in some parts: I know you just want to make your writing beautiful ect but you do need to tone it down. Don't worry, I have exactly the same problem. You see, when you over prose, it the sentences often clog up, so to speak: they dont flow well. I loved some of the adjectives you used - very imaginative - but some were a little OTT. Here's a nitpick! lol

Caoimhinmarc wrote:The woman sat in front the wide mirror. She combed her ebony hair artistically and gently as if it were a very fragile matter (I think this sentence would read better is rewitten something like...She combed her ebony hair gently - artistically - as though it were very fragile.) The chamber was partially illuminated by the perpetual beauty of the full moon and the glow of the mirror and by the woman’s graceful movements, a scene most appealing to any artist. - TOO MUCH! Seperate the different parts of this sentence and cut out some of the OTT Fancy bits - Atop the elongated mirror frame---which was patterned with curves and intertwining vines with two common stilts on the sides---was a sculpted figure that likely symbolized Aphrodite. The reflection overwhelmed the woman, so then did she deem herself an enchantress of some sort.
The woman, whom everyone in the family called now Gallusa, sat erect on the antique stool and looked still UPon her stunning reflection. She stared at herself for hours as if for the first time, she realized how splendid she was. Oddly, Gallusa leered at the mirror and scrutinized the angle that she thought would likely be her most wonderful, seductive pose (how is it odd? ) (which will probably be what you’ll see in her future pictrures - pictures -).
The door of the dimly lit room creaked open, Gallusa not being disturbed even a little. A wrinkled woman, who was Gallusa’s mother, peeped through and managed to observe her daughter pose femininely. The mother ( perhaps, Gallusa's mother - smiled and adored such the beauty she beheld and felt proud of herself having born this child. Even more was she amazed at Gallusa’s slender, soft, shapely body, rounded hips and silky hair that flowed smoothly on her tender shoulders and arms.
The mother suddenly stopped her reverie and said, “Sss… I mean, child. The dinner is ready. Now would you mind going downstairs and just continue whatever you’re doing later?”
Gallusa turned her head and said in an overly ladylike manner, “I will be down in a second, mother.” She tilted her head and smiled slowly, her eyes blinking once.
The mother grinned at her daughter’s expression and then closed the door.

( a little bit of a boring ending - a short sharp, perhaps ironic statement would be good to finish off! )

I hope you found this review helpful - trust me, this was a really good piece. Keep up the good work and remember to tone the prose down a little! AC xxx

Thanks for the reviews, you two! I really appreciate it. Yeah, I am kind of having problems with the purple prose.