First, but Not Caring

Orange covered my fingers and shirt. I loved cheese doodles, but they were always so messy. Right now they were acting as my distraction from my science fair project and all the other stupid homework I had. I knew how to do all my school work and the exact way I wanted my epic project to be; I just really didn't care or want to do it. I decided on taking a walk instead of starting that boring work.

I had walked about twenty blocks when I heard, "Yo, Quenton or should I say Quackton?" The football team jocks from Mckensi High School home of the fighting tigers all laughed as the surrounded me. (The Tigers had been Malrick High School home of the Ducks rival school for as long as the end of the civil war.) "You think your tennis team is so awesome, don't you? The truth is y'all are a bunch of losers." Wow. It surprised me how witty football players thought they were. I said nothing and pushed past them. I felt something strike the back of my curly black hair covered head. I looked down to see it was a tennis ball. The truth as I may not care about school, but the one thing I loved was tennis; I was the star tennis player (well that's what the people who actually cared about tennis thought).


I ran into nearest restaurant I spotted. It was surprisingly a Chinese restaurant, my favorite. I sat in a booth. Scrunching into that tiny booth, I hit my knee on the table. Really tall people (more specifically six foot two people) have the hardest time sitting in booths. I tried to forget about the past events of that day. I now focused on my extremely hungry belly. Emanating from my stomach was a deep rumbling; I was sure it could be heard through out the building. I quickly ordered lemon chicken and a Dr. Pepper. When I got through eating, I decided to go home and start on my science fair project.


I was not sure I could finish it in time; after all, it was do the next day and it was already nine o'clock. At three o'clock in the morning I had finally finished. I had to be up at six, so I only got three hours of sleep. I got to the school by eight o'clock and was setting up my project. I was tired and could have cared less about what some want-to-be scientist thought of my work. One of the judges was a music guru. He loved my analysis of the ratio between Taylor Swift's real voice and the computer overlay she used.They awarded me first place.

When I got home I put it with all the other fifty-six useless trophies and metals. I didn't care back then about the opinions of other people, I still don't til this very day.[/b][/b]

I like it. It's cute and carefree and (:

A few things to think about:

I understand that this is a contest story, and I inferred that you have to use the bolded words somewhere in it. And while you successfully used all of the words, there really is no plotline. The reader doesn't have any sense of the character, the setting, really any of the aspects of a story. Reading it I felt it was just a piece where you had to use the words. It didn't make much sense to me.

If you want to add to it, I would suggest explaining things more. I think the main character is a boy, but I'm not sure. How does he/she(?) feel about the jocks? Why does he/she love tennis? How did the chicken and soda taste? What is her home life like, her family? When did he/she first start eating cheese doodles, and what are they? (:

If I'm reading too much into this, I'm sorry. I don't really know the details of the contest.

I hope you win! (:

Taylor

hey there, Cannon here. I'm going to analyze your story.

Okay, the plot it seems to be seperated in three ways. the first way was the the encounter with the jocks followed by the restaurant and the science projects.

I would like to quote the last reviewer that the plot here is weak. you got three seperated accounts with links that are often overlook. For example. From plot 1, character A, goes to plot 2 because...

You said she was hungry but by focusing on hunger, it eliminated aspects of plot 1. What really are you trying to write here? What are you bringing in which the character and the plot represents? The character seemed to be overly balance both body and mind, so it seems that the plot of the story consists of a conflicts between character and society? There are clues to support the argument such as plot 1 but the conflicts never really hold water.

So, its a character story but instead of showing what the character is like, you told what the character is good at. Some aspects of showing included plot 2 but thats weak since people always get hungry. personally, I think the character is somewhat perfect, and you might need to toned down.

Anyway, what I am really trying to say after this analysation is to (1) create a conflict or a plotline that involves the three plots together. Weave them togetehr to create something thatreaders appreciate, and (2) show what your character is really like,and try to undermine the sense of perfection through sports, music and logic.

Also, as a contest, you could tell us what the contest is or else we do not get the intent of this story

I'm gonna be completely honest. I wasn't very impressed.

You should either use "curly black hair" just "the back of my head." And what happened with the jocks? Did they run after the speaker? What's the speaker's gender? You said the speaker loved tennis, then left it hanging. Explain more, please.

Why did the speaker run into a Chinese restaurant? This doesn't make sense to me. Were they already planning on eating someplace? Did they just duck into the nearest doorway to avoid the jocks? There's not really much point to the restaurant scene, it seems. Show the speaker's thoughts or something. Make sure to connect to your next paragraph.

The phrase is "Would-be", not "want-to-be." If you're going to use that phrase, use "wanna-be." I know, it's slang, but "want-to-be" sounds strange, largely because it isn't used.

If this is something the speaker (or you) don't care about it, what is the point of this story? You should write about something you're passionate about or identify with.

Sorry to be so harsh. Please know that I'm just as hard on myself, and I'm not trying to diss your work at all.