The Chaze- chapter 1

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“Oooh! You’ve really done it this time, Obsidian!” Jade crooned at me as I stared at the broken glass egg, flustered. Hey tan, wavy hair was in front of her shoulders right now, signaling a sneaky mood. Trust me, I know Jade and her many personalities.

“Shut up, Jade.” I hissed, dropping on all fours to try to piece it back together. I admit it wasn’t a clever idea, but I had to time! I could all but hear Mackenzie’s feet pounding down the stairs and her scream.

“Someone’s getting in trouble! That was Mack’s favorite!” Jade continued, her green eyes darting to ears huge piece of fractured glass.

“Shut up!” I growled through clenched teeth. She stuck her tongue out at me, and I sighed. I was always the mature twelve-year-old.

“What was that racke-” Mackenzie, our ‘foster mom’, asked, before gasping.

“It was Jade!” I yelped, backing up and onto my feet.

“Right, okay! Like I believe- OBSIDIAN!” She screamed. “Why couldn’t Jade have been an only child, huh? Why are you so… thick-headed?!”

“Thick headed? Really, Mack? Thick headed?” I growled as I could feel every snake in existence rattling their rattlers and
striking mid-air.

“Yea, that’s what I said!”

“Of all the words, Mackenzie?” I yelped, my eyes slits. She knew I was serious if I called her by her full name.

“THICK HEADED!” She screamed.

I didn’t think. I knew I’d regret it, but it felt good to let my anger loose.

I shed my skin, revealing my true self. A Snake Dragon. That’s where Jade interfered, saving the day- as always. She ran
to her bag- or least tried. With a flick of my tail, she was pinned up against the wall. Too bad she couldn’t transform like me.

A huge mass slammed into my side, sending me rolling down the hall. Things shattered as my side burned. Silver goo with a tint of green slid from a slice in my side. With a hiss, I fought the Dragon that had attacked me, using my tail to grapple with it to make up for a lack of claws.

I couldn’t see which of Jade’s Dragons she had summoned this time. All I could see was a flurry of pale pink scales, white hair, and silver claws as the bloody Dragon sliced them against my body.

With a cry like a hawk, the dragon was thrown, leaving a dent in the tan wall. I had wrapped my tail around it, so it had no chance of fighting any longer. My tail served me as a long, powerful arm when I was in my PinPoint form.

“Obsidian!” Jade screamed from below. I towered above my tinsy-tiny twin. If only it was like this all the time.

She held a mirror up towards me. I glanced at my reflection for only a moment- my black body, with a cape on my neck that had six claws only for decoration. My fangs showed themselves, glinting menacingly with green silver. My rattler freaked out as I backed up, spazzing. My reflection was my only weakness, as I liked to think.

Before I knew it, I was human, panting towards the ground heavily.

“O-OBSIDIAN!” Mack barked, walking right over to me and kicking me to the ground. I curled up feebly. “You have directly broken fifteen hundred rules!” She screamed. “I want you out of my sight!” I scrambled up, to upstairs. Into my room- my only area where I was safe from the world.

The walls were a steel-color. There was a mural of a snake that Jade had so kindly made me. She was so perfect in everyone’s eyes. But it didn’t matter. All I needed were my snakes and-

“Ellion?” I asked, looking at my bland, gray bed. A boy, who was no more than sixteen- my age- was sitting there, reading a magazine. His black, ruffled short hair was cut at the ears and startling blue eyes seemed to stare right through me as he glanced up. “What are you doing here? This place is locked up!”

The child chuckled. “Not for a snake. Its quite obvious that you pass code for the door would be ‘1772’ since you like Key lime pie, and the square root of mathematical pi is 1.7725385. But there were only four spaces, so I jut did the first four.”

“You’re unbelievable, you know that? Now may I ask what you were doing in here?”

He pet the ball python that was curled up in his lap, asleep. “Looking through your stuff.”

“What stuff? Mack doesn’t let me keep much.”

“Through your box of ‘deeply personal items’.”

Not my smartest move to leave that out on my dresser.

“WHAT?” I screeched.

“Calm down, Obs. It’s me, remember? It’s not like I’ll tell anyone else. Unless they pay me for it.”

“Thanks. You’re so trustworthy.” I said, sarcasm stained on my words.

“Fine. I just wanted to ask you about diary entry… April, 23, 2009; who was that fellow who pushed you into the mud before I heroically rescued you?”

“Heroically.” I huffed. If he had gotten the message I was trying to tell him, he wasn’t showing it.

“Whom?” He asked again.

“It just happened to be Caden.” I huffed. I was referring to Caden, whose nickname was tall, dark and handsome. Every girl swooned over him. He was such a jerk.

“Caden? Really?” He asked, rearranging the snake on his lap. It hissed, waking up. Eventually, it settled again.

“Yea. Did you know that Caden is Welsh? It means ‘Spirit of the Battle Field.”

“That’s sort of cool. But do you know what Ellion means in American?”

“Ellion?”

“No. It means ‘amazing’.”

“Good joke.” I said sticking my tongue out. I sat next to him on the bed and sighed. “Will you leave now?”

“I thought we were finally making progress.” He replied. “I have one other question.”

“Fine. Only one question and you leave.” I hissed.

“Who was Ruby? I’ve never seen her before.”

My eyes filled up, showing the emotion I usually kept bottled up. I usually had good control over it, but never when mentioning Ruby.

“Ruby was my… mother.” I admitted. Ellion seemed shocked, but paying close attention. “She died right after me and Jade-”

“Jade and I.”

“Jade and I’s birthday.” I finished, not upset about the interruption. “She… she never really liked me. I was always a burden to her. I never did things right, she was constantly fixing my mistakes. Jade, though, was just like her- a Dragon PinPoint. They were just like each other- always helping me, the imperfection in their lives.”

“Oh, Obs. When will you understand? There is no way you are imperfect. Sure, you have a temper, and sure, you’re a snake, but so what? You’re smart, amazing-” A blush appeared on his checks. “You’re just perfect.” He finished.

I wanted to just kiss him. He was so small but had such a big heart… but I couldn’t. Jade wanted him. And I can’t interfere in plans between Jade and boys.

“OBSIDIAN!” Mack’s voice boomed up the stairs.

“Get out of here!” I hissed to Ellion. He jumped off the bed, the python going flying. I caught it before it reached the ground. Ellion transformed into a coral snake in mid-jump and hit the ground slithering. He went into the corner, like my other snakes would, and curled up in a ball. He seemed to have been there all along, attentive but seemingly asleep.

“Obsidian, you know what you did was very, very wrong! And you still did it!” Mack said as she barged through the door.
All of my snakes- including my newest, transformed guest- jumped and hissed.

“I’m sorry.” I lied through my teeth, clenching my python closer to me. It struggled to get free, but I wouldn't let it.

“No, you aren’t.” She sighed, her shoulders dropping as she stared at me. “Obs, you could be such a good kid. You’re so powerful… you could use it for good.”

“Whenever I try to do good things, they get ignored or fixed. And it was an accident. Accidents happen- just more by me than most people.” I replied.

“Were you… crying?” She asked, sounding a bit surprised. I guess my blotch red eyes gave it away.

“No!”

“Fine. Well, anyways, its school time.”

“I’ll get ready.”

She left the room, running a hand through her hair. I waited about three minutes before I was assured she was gone. “Ellion, you’re good.” I grunted, placing the python on the ground. He seemed to say 'finally' as he slithered over towards the other group of snakes, in the corner opposite of Ellion. I glanced over at him, who was shedding his skin. Next thing I knew, there was a snakeskin on the ground and Ellion was standing up, human.

“Now get out.” I advised.

“Why?”

“Because I have to change!”

“That’s why God invented bathrooms. I brought clothes with me. I’ll change in here.”

“How long have you been here?!” I demanded.

“That’s not important.”

“Well, change in the closet. Mackenzie might come in any moment.”

He gulped, before grabbing a lump on the bed. I hadn’t seen that, I admit it.

“Wait, I need to get my clothes first!” I shrieked barging in front of him into the huge, walk-in closet. I grabbed
whatever my arms could reach first- which happen to be a black collared shirt and jean pants cut at the knee. I couldn't help my eye catching the mirror's reflection.

My looks didn’t hold a candle up to Jade’s. Stringy, black hair plummeted to my mid-back. Green, mellow, dull eyes were the exact opposite of my personality. And don’t get me started about my ugly, small nose.

“Obs?” Ellion’s voice called.

“What? Oh. Right, I’m going, I’m going.” I replied.

Breaking my trance from the mirror, I returned back to Ellion. “You know, if I hadn’t known you for three years, this could be very awkward.” He said, moving past me into the closet.

“Trust me, it still is awkward.” I hissed under my breath. With the rattling of snakes in my ears, I grabbed a fistful of rat tails, hoisting a dozen dead rats to the surface.they dangled above the bulging bag of rats. “Bon Apetit, kids.” I threw them towards my huddle of ten snakes.

I smiled faintly as the already killed rats were struck by the venomous teeth of my snakes. If only I could do that to Jade.
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.




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Hey there Milk! :D

Shubhi here to review, and this is going to be my first time reviewing you, so I hope I'm of some great help to you. Also, I haven't read anything by you before so maybe I might not be able to comment on the progression you've made.

Spoiler
Hey(her) tan, wavy hair was in front of her shoulders right now, signaling a sneaky mood.


I admit it wasn’t a clever idea, but I had to(no) time!


I'd have to begin by saying that I really liked your approach. For a twelve-year old, you're definitely a good writer and most definitely better than I had been. I've read many of the twelve-year olds' work here and more or the less problem they have is that they tend to include lot of dialog. Even you had most of the dialog, but you could improve once you have some guidance. First of all, I would like you to read some books wherein they are going in detail to express the characters' pain. For that you have to be clear in your mind to know how the characters are reacting. You could maybe start by writing down how are they supposed to act or behave in a particular situation and that would make things much clearer.

Here's an activity I have used to tone up my way of expressing my characters:
Go in front of a mirror and make different kind of faces. With each expression, note down the way your face curves up, and then you'd know how to write when you have different kind of moods to be expressed. This is a very boring, and cliched activity, but I hope it would help you to improve.

The Thrill:
Now, against what I said above, I'd like to add that I could see the effort you had put in while you described us the way Obsy fought with her sister. There weren't many awesome descriptions there, but enough to get the picture. Also, you didn't forget the action which was really nice. It's good if a writer can find a balance between action and descriptions. But what I really want you to focus on is your way of presenting the thrill to us. First time, they were talking about the egg and then it was completely forgotten. I would have liked if you'd have told a bit about the incident that had happened before so we could know what kind of a character Obsy is. Just because from the way people talk about her, she seems like a troublesome kid and I would personally like to know what kind of mischief she is up to, if my guess is right.

It's like the surprise that she is a semi-snake came as a surprise to me. I didn't expect we would diverge from the egg thing so it was kind of a shock for me. I am pretty sure that I am not being able to explain myself, but everything happened so fast. Maybe if you had began by anything else, then maybe we would have been much into the story. All I know is that somehow I didn't enjoy much the way she suddenly changed into a serpent. You could maybe add in that she was thinking about turning into a one before she finally does. That way it would be more realistic. You'd have to jump into her shoes and think, speak like she does. So, what would a girl like Osby do before giving herself in? Would she think about it a moment or what? I know I confused you here, but it's just that the suddenness in the situation just didn't get me.




As for the characters, I do get Osby. She is the one who gets into all the trouble and people are always behind her, trying to make her better and suit according to their wishes. Often, she gets ignored and all. Though I would like to tell you to change her name, if it isn't going to affect the story. Hers and their foster mother's. No offence, but their names are bit different and sometimes I really don't think they seem like names. It could be my fault since I'm from India and these names might be very common where you come from, but still I would advice you to bring in names that people won't have trouble remembering or relating to. The simpler, and common it is, more are the chances of it being registered in the writer's brain. Both their names are not only long, but also a bit tongue-twisting.

And now that I am talking about characters, I need to tell you that I think Jade is the one who's not being given attention. From the story I read, I am not still sure if she is the evil one who somehow projects her sister as her, or if she is trying to make her sister perfect. That might be because she didn't have much of a dialog here, but still I'd love if you could bring in more of her dialog. She could have been more int he story in the start, but I think you just didn't give her enough. Her dialog, in a way, would show how she is as a person. Whatever she had, it was not possible for me to understand her. She might get much chance later on, but I wanted to tell you how I feel right now.

Now coming back to the whole thing, I kind of didn't know how this thing worked out. Is she a snake and her sister is a dragon? She collects snakes and are all the other snakes changeable to human form as Ellion is? I had many questions like these which went unanswered and even though I know that you would try your best to bring us the answers in the next part or when editing this one. You might be having plans of how to show these things, but I'd like you to focus on these points, too. For a fantasy, I think there's a special need for things to be explained. If they are explained, then only people would get the story right. I won't comment much on this since this is just the first chapter and you have the whole novel to work your way towards.

Last thing for today(I'll shut up then, I promise). When she told Ellion about her mother, then she said she didn't like her, but her twin sister. Now. What I want you to know is to be clear that if it was in real that her mother loathed or didn't have a soft thing for Osby, or it was what she presumed it to be since her mom always used to scold? Often, children make up perceptions about parents when in actual the parents are just trying to help their kid out. So you should be clear how you want this to be projected for if her mother really didn't like her then it might seem unrealistic.

Now coming to the end, I would like to say that I did like your imagination. The story seems unique because of the snake changing thing you have and till now I haven't read anything like that. This might seem clichéd since there are twins among which one has been labelled 'the evil one' right from the beginning. So the way you could make it different is by your narration, your plot and the ways you could blend in the snake and dragon thing. Also, I would like to repeat that you should get clear about what you really want Jade like. Troublesome or the good perfect girl? It would really have a huge impact on her. Your dialog were pretty good, and you had a good job of developing the relation between Ellion and Osby. The sarcasm she had in her voice was always funny, and I liked the way Ellion had been projected.

Post for more :)

Hope this helps,
Shrubs
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore



today we are possible.
— Lucille Clifton