Face Down In The Dark

This poem is a metaphor for growing up living in the shadows. Maybe of a sibling or something. There are a few metaphors like this throughout the poem, speaking in a flower kind of way. But I'm sure you can work that out as you read ahead. =] Hope you enjoy.



Inside my sunny garden, planted down below,
There is a damaged hungry flower,
That Spring will never know.

It longues to be like the roses,
So beautiful and mature,
Be pretty like the daisies, in the vase outside my door.

It could try to be pink and it could try to be green,
But if it's pettals are not golden,
It's beauty is never seen.

It wants to feel the rain from the can,
Soak through it's many colours,
Make it grow elite, then send it to a lover.

It sways in the darkness,
While the sun is burning bright,
It dances in the puddle of another flower's life.

Ahhh I really liked this ^.^ I'm just guessing, but did you write on this topic because of personal experience? Or did something else inspire you?

It sways in the darkness,
While the sun is burning bright,
It dances in the puddle of another flower's life.

That was my favorite stanza. Good job! Keep writing

I really liked this, it was very well written and the imagery and metaphors were great. This is something I've dealt with, with my older half sister, so I can deffinitely relate. But, good job and good luck with your future writing.

Inside my sunny garden, planted down below,
There is a damaged hungry flower,
That Spring will never know.

My favorite!!!

This was actually really, really good!.. and, it was well thought out.

I would go back and revise your wording a bit. Like the puddle in the last verse was odd to me.

It's still wonderfully fantastic!

Hello.

I really liked this. The language and metaphors you used were consistent throughout which really made the poem solid. I do think that the rhythm needs work though. However, as far as word choice is concerned, I think you did a good job. Improving the flow of this poem will really make this special.

I also think that the intro in front was a little too telling. I think you should let this poem speak for itself. Let the reader interpret it as he or she will. I think that one of the things that is beautiful about poetry is it's ambiguity as to what it means. No poem is the same for any two readers. With your intro, you constrict the meaning of your poem.

There's also a few typos that you have to look out for.

It longues to be like the roses,

longs

But if it's pettals are not golden,

it's should be 'its'. Common mistake. 'It's' is a condensed form of 'it is' so you see it would be wrong to say 'but if it is petals are not golden'. Pettals should be 'petals'.

I think that the main thing that bothers me about this poem is its flow. You kind of have a rhyme scheme and I'm not sure if you wanted to keep it consistent throughout but forsook it for better word choice, which I think is the right thing to do. The thing is it flows well in the first two stanzas and becomes very choppy in the rest of the poem. One way I check if poems flow well is to read it aloud. If it doesn't sound smooth, change a syllable here and there. You don't have to completely change your words.

I think your ending was very good. It wrapped up the poem very nicely and the flow you had lost in the other stanzas was regained.

Anyway, thank you for a good read.

--Nixie

Hey i really really liked this...it made sense and it was so beautiful, i really felt what you were trying to say. I do have a few inputs though. I dont know if you realized but you spelled color wrong and there is one line, while it is great i feel like it could be a little better.

It wants to feel the rain from the can

I feel like another word for can would make this sentence end on a better note, but that is my own opinion, please dont feel as if you have to listen to me. This is just one writers opinion to another. I look forward to reading the rest of your work and keep writing!

Not really much to say on this other than that I really liked the use of metaphor in this. The flower metaphor is just beautiful. The subject matter was very powerful and I liked how strongly you came at it because it's such a lovely poem to read and conveys the emotion perfectly. Good luck with your writng and I hope to see more of your work in the future xxxxx
Matt