Chalk Line

Ok, here's another one of my favorites and it's a rough draft and more spoken word than my typical poetry, so keep that in mind....

Reach out for me, I'll calling out to you
I hear your footsteps, I felt when you grew
My essence is in the air, I know the poison you do
But never commanded you free will, that was all you
Only you, I and God know what you'll be
I'm just the line between a life you'll likely never see
You can't deny my existence, I don't understand your perplexity
Of why standing so close to me creates it's own ecstasy
I'll escort you to Hades in my cherry red Mercedes
Taint you with greed, drugs, a pool pit, or strange ladies
Question your clarity to birth me cursed babies
Tell you Bush is your friend, and needs you to join the Navy
If you seduce me past what's healthy, I'll suck you in and claim you as mine
You'll feel me when the shiver claims the calmness in your spine
I posed luring opportunity you had strength to decline
But so many do not, I am the infamous chalk line....

Only you, I and God know what you'll be

you forced yourself to list these and for some odd reason, even being the shortest line, it was crowded.

strange ladies

strange ladies? what does that mean?


otherwise i really do enjoy your poetry and beg you write more. you don't have formulated stanzas, but to each their own. it is a justifiable style.

what I meant by strange ladies are simply women that you find attractive but could give you something much worse than a night on the town....

I like this poem but the rythem was shacky and some of the rhymes were very forced.

Reach out for me, I'll calling out to you

I think you mean "Reach out for me, I'll call out to you"

I hear your footsteps, I felt when you grew

I'm not sure what you mean here, "I felt when you grew"? uh?

My essence is in the air, I know the poison you do

This line seemed to long for the beginning two.

But never commanded you free will, that was all you

This line was so-so.

Only you, I and God know what you'll be

I like this line, it breaks of the ryhme of "You" and I think you needed that.

I'm just the line between a life you'll likely never see

I really, like this line.

You can't deny my existence, I don't understand your perplexity

This rhyme is very forced, "Perplexity" is too long to rhyme with "See" or "Be"

Of why standing so close to me creates it's own ecstasy

"Ecstasy" Love that word.

I'll escort you to Hades in my cherry red Mercedes

I really like this line, it had good imagry for me.

Taint you with greed, drugs, a pool pit, or strange ladies

I don't like this line, I don't know why though.

Question your clarity to birth me cursed babies

Your lines are flowing very well from "Mercedes"

Tell you Bush is your friend, and needs you to join the Navy

Ouch, right here, "Navy" I don't if you were trying to rhyme it or what, but it stopped the flow and made me have to stop before I continued the poem. Image a car slamming on its brakes, thats how I felt.

If you seduce me past what's healthy, I'll suck you in and claim you as mine

This line seemed to long.

You'll feel me when the shiver claims the calmness in your spine

This line I really like.

I posed luring opportunity you had strength to decline

I don't like this line, it seemed you only wrote it because it ryhmed.

But so many do not, I am the infamous chalk line....

A very nice ending for me. "Chalk Line" I really love that. It has good imagry. This poem needs work but it has alot of poteinal. Keep going at it!

thats good but what does this word mean ecstasy just so i can get it in my volcabulary

lol, I guess I'm so use to writing in my own style (no style in particular) since I never really intended for others to read rough drafts.....When I do have an idea, I kinda do force them to rhyme but the cursed babies part? I meant cursed as in unfortunate, disadvantaged, or afflicted because they weren't planned.....Thanx for all the comments

zell wrote:thats good but what does this word mean ecstasy just so i can get it in my volcabulary

This is just too horrible.

He really said: "That's good, but what does the word "ecstasy" mean? I want to get it in my vocabulary."

Well, using the all to famous dictionary.com You'll find what [url=http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=ecstasy]ecstasy[url] is.

Nothing is worse than a reviewer that can't form a sentence.

I agree with what hekategirl said.

Wow, well i liked this. I think from:

You can't deny my existence, I don't understand your perplexity
Of why standing so close to me creates it's own ecstasy
I'll escort you to Hades in my cherry red Mercedes
Taint you with greed, drugs, a pool pit, or strange ladies
Question your clarity to birth me cursed babies
Tell you Bush is your friend, and needs you to join the Navy
If you seduce me past what's healthy, I'll suck you in and claim you as mine
You'll feel me when the shiver claims the calmness in your spine
I posed luring opportunity you had strength to decline
But so many do not, I am the infamous chalk line....

...i thought was really good. i love the line

Question your clarity to birth me cursed babies

I think you meant "I'm calling out to you" in the first line instead of "i'll".

and this line "Tell you Bush is your friend, and needs you to join the Navy" was quite hard to say, i think you might need to trim it down a little.

i liked how you ended, it pleased me.

very good, looking forward to see more of your work.