Song birds are the only kings

The night shines bright
Where the moon is the only light
And butterflies fly on silver wings,
Where song birds are the only kings.

I see you standing over there,
Standing with not a care.
Ravens carry them selves on golden wings,
Where song birds are the only kings.

She turns to me and smiles like an eel
So I know this isn't real.
Puppets dance on metal strings,
Where song birds are the only kings.

I watched and smile
As my world turns into fire.
I regain my grip on reality
As I am hurled back into actuality.

This is my world I hold in my hand,
And it will do as I command.



TuckEr EllsworTh

Hello there! Where to begin, where to begin.... Ok I know where. I liked the repetitiousness of the last line in ever stanza except for the end of the poem. The way that I read it, the rhythm of the first lines in every stanza seemed awkward... Perhaps it was just me, because I have had that happen, but once said differently it works, so
just something to think about.

I watched and smile
As my world turns into fire.
I regain my grip on reality
As I am hurled back into actuality.

That first line bugs me... Because technically it should be smiled.... And also smile and fire don't rhyme... So it doesn't fit very well with the rest of the poem... That is my opinion, if you disagree, then thats fine, because it's you poem haha

Anyway, overall I really liked it!

Ok Thanks for the reply, given my dyslexic skills im suprised i didn't screw up even more lols. I'll figure something out thanks!








TuckEr EllsworTh

First off, the rhyming is throwing me off. It seems very forced an unnatural making it hard to read. It is an interesting piece, and overall I liked it, but I think it needs more work.

dogs wrote:The night shines bright
Where the moon is the only light
And butterflies fly on silver wings,
Where song birds are the only kings.

I see you standing over there,
Standing with not a care. This line seems too short. Maybe try, "Standing without a single care."
Ravens carry them selves on golden wings, And this one seems too long. Maybe,"Ravens flit on golden wings." or something. Also, "them" and "selves" are not separate words. They should be together.
Where song birds are the only kings.

She turns to me and smiles like an eel Smiles like an eel? Gross. That part TOTALLY put me off this stanza.
So I know this isn't real. Too short, "So I know this isn't truly real," sounds better.
Puppets dance on metal strings, Metal strings? Interesting.
Where song birds are the only kings.

I watched and smile It should be "smiled" and "fire" doesn't rhyme.
As my world turns into fire.
I regain my grip on reality
As I am hurled back into actuality.

This is my world I hold in my hand,Hmm, maybe take out the second "my" in this sentence?
And it will do as I command.

K, cool job. I like it! Hope this helps!

I like how you used a random rhyme scheme, though that may be because I am not a particular fan of rhyme scheme poetry. It's very trippy, which is also why I like it so much. It sounds like a dream...when I first read it, the images didn't really hit me. But the poem left me wondering, so I read it again. I could see some weird, trippy Alice in Wonderland-type world. I appreciated reading it, happy writing (:

Great idea for a poem, I liked it very much. :] The only thing I suggest is making it flow more fluently...if you get what I'm saying. When reading a poem, You would want it to sound beautiful and song-like. Try, when your writing a poem, reading it aloud and then editing it once more with words that fit more gracefully. Use these beautiful words that humans have created to your advantage.