Wow, ok I really liked this I think one thing about your poem is that so many people can relate to the message you're trying to convey here, so it makes it a lot more meaningful. I will just get a few suggestions and editing tips out of the way:
I know they think they do us best By telling us that we are then them This bit I admit doesn't make much sense to me, try to be a bit clearer about what you're saying When they know we have our battle scars Still they place us behind Same's old metal bars I think this line should maybe joined with the last one, so you keep the same rythm to your poem They tell us to be a clone Not yourself, not your own REALLY liked this bit They tell us it is for our own good That if we be ourselves We'll be misunderstood Same again here, but again maybe join it with the previous line? They tell us to better ourselves By not being ourselves And that the best way to fit in Is to stick with the "in" Crowd This probably isn't the best way to keep the flow of your poem going, but I know you want it to rhyme. Maybe you could try saying "Is to stick with the crowd that's in" instead of having to make a new line to say crowd. Just an idea
But I want to shout it aloud I want not "in" I want out I like this bit also, but maybe another way of saying it could be: "I don't want in, so let me out" or something. Again, only an idea, it's your poem So who cares what they say Great line to finish on, a positive one that basically sums up the message in the poem
So there you go, I really like your poem and think you could do more like it Please PM me to let me know what you thought of my review, if you get time Thx They feed us hopeless lies anyway
Hi! I don't think I've ever read a poem on this topic but this is cool. I like how you started and rhyme is pretty good. But the flow sort of breaks in the middle. Try working with different words to maintain the flow. And sometimes, it is better not to capitalize each sentence beginning. "Is to stick with the "in" Crowd But I want to shout it aloud I want not "in" "T he rhyme here sounds forced. I think you should edit this. Also, the next two lines are obvious. Try giving that thought more imagery.
