Lady Judy Chapter One

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CHAPTER ONE

Germany, 1800

Gertrude looked out of the window, and watched the horse-drawn carriages passed by. The horses' hooves created a clomp-clomp sound against the street made of bricks. Moreover, she could also hear the people's noise. It was normal for Gertrude to hear these when she woke up late in the morning. She could see the other town houses outside the window wherein people opened their windows, and greeted the people who walked by. Her hand touched her curly, golden hair, and pulled it back to her ears before Gertrude decided to leave the window, and got dressed up for school. She wore a nice dress with puffed sleeves. Its skirt reached her knees. Gertrude wore some silk, white stocking, and placed her feet inside an apricot-colored shoes that matched her peach-colored dress.
After she ate her breakfast, Gertrude went out of the townhouse where they lived. Since she was twelve-years-old, Gertrude barely saw her parents. Her mother worked as a teacher in a public school, and her father worked as a doctor in a clinic. They usually left their house so early in the morning, and returned late in the night. Gertrude's mother could've been home earlier, but she chose to assist her father in his clinic after teaching her students in school.

She went to the public plaza, and sat beside the marble fountain. Everybody looked busy- the newpaper boy, the mailman, the horse-drawn carriage driver, the fruits and vegetable delivery boy, and even the ordinary people who planned to go to the market, carrying their weaved baskets. They kept on passing by, here and there.
"Hey, Gertrude!"
She looked to her right to see Hans, her male best friend. He looked so handsome on his long, wavy blond hair, reaching his shoulders, and his clear, blue eyes. Hans almost looked like his brother, who was a hunter. What made the difference was his younger look, hair color, and the dimples on the side of his cheeks. They had been childhood best friends. It all started when they were five. Gertrude went on the riverside, close to the forest, and watched the beautiful swans with their ducklings swam on the water. Wanting to look closer, she sat closer to the river. One of the swans came close to her. She extended a hand to touch it, but it quickly swam away, making her slip down to the river. She almost drowned to death, until Hans came to save her. He was young but he already knew how to swim, since, Jacob, his brother, taught him how to swim. Since then, she joined them when Jacob hunted for wild boars in the forest. Gertrude and Hans were always hidden, way up in a tree while they watched Jacob hide behind the body of the tree, and hunt a boar. Sadly, when Gertrude turned thirteen, her interest changed. She had been fascinated with girl stuff, and found hunting a matter for boys only. So, she would just go to the town plaza's fountain, meet Hans, stroll around, and chat with him.
"Oh! Hi, Hans," she smiled, waving her left hand.
"Don't you want to go to school?"
She sighed, "Yes. I feel lazy." And Gertrude was thankful because her mother was not her teacher in school. Hans was from a poor family, and hadn't been in school for once in his life.
"If I were given a chance to be able to go to school, I won't be lazy to do so," he said seriously. Her best friend always worried when she was not going to school.
"Oh, c'mon, Hans. It was just education."
"Just education? It's so important, Gertrude!" he exclaimed. "Before, women were not allowed to go to school, and now that the law approves it, you don't go to school."
"Because I'm not one of those stupid girls who demanded to be given the chance to go to school," she said, folding her arms across her chest.
"If you didn't go to school, you'll really be stupid Gertrude." Hans shook his head. "I gotta go," he excused himself as he stood up.
She held his arm. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"Going to the market, ask the meat vendors about my brother."
"Jacob?" she said, mentioning Hans' brother's name.
"Ja," he said, which meant 'yes'.
"You've been looking for him for weeks, Hans. Even your mother. A wild boar must have eaten Jacob in the woods while he was hunting," she guessed, "or maybe, he had an accident in the forest."
Hans nodded his head. "Maybe, but I gotta find him here in town first. A person here must have found him in the forest, and kept him in their house curing his wounds or something."
"I hope that you'll find him soon."
"Thank you, Ger-" Hans became speechless when a woman passed by. It wasn't just him. Everybody in the town plaza were silenced when they saw the beautiful prostitute who walked downtown from her bungalow in the forest- Lady Judy.

Whispers and murmurs scattered around the town plaza. Hans knew that they were talking about Lady Judy, who, just came by wearing a black shawl, covering her head down to her chest, and a long, flowing white dress. He could clearly see her perfect, heart-shaped visage, that his brother, Jacob, admired as he told Hans before he got lost from a hunting trip.
As Hans watched the beautiful lady walking casually, and slowly toward the market place, his thoughts came to the story that Jacob had told him about Lady Judy.

She came in town when Hans was six-years-old. Lady Judy's looks didn't seem to fade as the years passed by. Staying in an apartelle near the town plaza, Lady Judy worked as a prostitute at night in a public party house. The longer she stayed in the apartelle, the more her neighbors complained about the strange, scary howling, and noise that they heard in her room every midnight. People were having the speculation that she was a witch or a demon. What strengthened their accusation was when a neighbor, who just lives across the apartelle, saw Lady Judy one night. He could not find some sleep because of the howling noise that he heard. As he opened the window, he saw Lady Judy transformed into a demon with a blazing, fiery hair, blood-shot eyes, and red, wrinkled skin. Two horns grew on her forehead. The man shivered in fear when the demon turned its head to look straight in his eyes. When the word was transferred from one person to another, they decided to plan to exile Lady Judy from their town.
The owner of the apartelle threw her clothes outside, one morning, while Lady Judy was shopping in the market place. She caught the deed when she finished shopping. To their surprise, the woman didn't beg the apartelle owner to let her stay. Lady Judy picked up her clothes silently.
"You should have told me that you wanted me to go away than show that you didn't have any manners or breeding," she muttered as her arm hooked her bag, full of clothes.
Lady Judy passed by the crowd, who watched her leave. Everybody expected that she would go to an inn house or another apartelle, so they decided that none of them would let her stay. But they were wrong. Lady Judy walked straight to the forest.
Another surprise came when the lady came to town, a week after she left. Just as what her friends in the party house told everyone, Lady Judy came back to town for her work as a prostitute, and to buy her food and necessities in the market place. The rumors about her were still in the minds of the people, but most of the men didn't care. These men would still go to the party house to see Lady Judy, and spend the night making love with her. As a prostitute, Lady Judy was the best. She could satisfy any men when it came to her job.
Hans snapped out of his reminisence when the woman stopped in front of him. He could not help the intense beating of his heart- terrified and nervous. She raised her pale, right hand, and her cold palm touched his left cheek.
"You look like someone familiar," she smiled. Lady Judy looked sweet as her hazel eyes gazed in his blue eyes.
Hans didn't manage to speak, neither act friendly toward this person. He didn't want the town people to mistakeably think that he was friends with the witch.
"You don't have to be frightened of me, young lad," she removed her hand from his cheek, "I just thought that we can be good friends."
Lady Judy leaned closer to whisper in his ear. The town's people gasped. Their eyes were still glued on them, curiosity eating their brains out. Gertrude, who remained sitting beside Hans was looking at Lady Judy.
She was a tough woman who knows herself better, and doesn't care about the rumors that people are saying about her. I want to be as beautiful, and wise like her, she thought.
Hans' eyes widened as he listened intently to what the lady whispered in his ear.

Don't be neutral. Be able to choose one thing to believe in.

Lady Judy distanced away from him, and winked at Hans before she walked toward the market place.
"What did she tell you?" Gertrude asked him excitedly.
Hans shrugged his shoulders, and replied, "I don't really understand. She said, I should choose one thing to believe in."
"Believe in what?"
"I don't know," he replied although he knew what Lady Judy really meant.
Every day is beautiful with a little arm stretch and a smile :)




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Hi there! Thought I'd stop by and leave some feedback. :D

So I got super excited with this one. One reason is that it was in Germany (woo!), but also, the story was getting interesting by the end. And I love how you tied in some historical facts having to do with women going to school and such. It's very cool!

There were a few things I was a bit concerned about, and you may or may not agree! First, I think your dialogue could use a bit more realism. It's very good right now! I can definitely get a feeling for their personalities (Great job with Gertrude not liking school, by the way. That bit about the "other" women wanting education was brilliant!), but I think their lines aren't as unique to the conversation itself. For example:

"Don't you want to go to school?"
"Yes. I feel lazy."
"If I were given a chance to be able to go to school, I won't be lazy to do so."
"Oh, c'mon, Hans. It was just education."
"Just education? It's so important, Gertrude! Before, women were not allowed to go to school, and now that the law approves it, you don't go to school."


(I took out the extra tags and things.)

I feel like Hans was way too preachy here. On a normal day, I think this would all be given. The "If I were given a chance..." thing also sounded snobbish. xD But usually this is said when giving that lecture at first. I don't think this is the first time they're having this conversation, so that bit plus the last line about women just seemed preachy and unneeded.

The other conversation about Hans brother can also be looked at:

"Going to the market, ask the meat vendors about my brother."
"Jacob?"
"Ja."
"You've been looking for him for weeks, Hans. Even your mother. A wild boar must have eaten Jacob in the woods while he was hunting or maybe, he had an accident in the forest."
"Maybe, but I gotta find him here in town first. A person here must have found him in the forest, and kept him in their house curing his wounds or something."
"I hope that you'll find him soon."
"Thank you, Ger-"


This one was much better than the previous, but it still feels like they're explaining things just for the sake of the reader. If put in the situation itself, Gertrude probably would either give two specific accidents (eaten by a boar and... falling off a tree, I guess) or just simply say that he had an accident. But even if these were said, why would she imply that he stop searching? Not the best of friends, is she? =/ Anyway, Hans' line about the curing wounds thing was way too long, I felt. Maybe make it sound more desperate for a happier ending. Right now, it just sounds like a debate.

So, moving on! There was another notable part, and that was the prostitute. First of all, the backstory about her really took away from the suspense. Maybe after Lady Judy left, the readers can hear about the backstory (or even much later!), but where it is now just slowed the piece down. I'm also confused on if everyone knows she's a demon? I couldn't tell if they all watched her out of fear or lust or awe or shock.

Connected with that, I think the PoV switched? From Gertrude in the first half to Hans in the second. I'm not sure if I liked that. xD Got me all confused.

That's all I've got to say for now. If you want a grammar check, send me a PM! You went comma-happy here, and there were sentences that were unnecessary/in need of revision. Overall, I think the story idea has potential to be awesome. Can't wait to read more!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.




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Hai!

Your premise looks very cool and it's neat how it's in Germany. Stuffs never in Germany, unless it's about the Nazis. Anyway, I quite like Gertrude. She's not one of those annoying tomboys; she seems girly without being prissy, you know? I liked that about her, it was nice and original. :D

Some stuff was rather jarring, though, and I'm not sure if it was historically accurate. I don't know that much about 1800s Germany, but in England, I don't think a 12 year old would have worn clothes like that, and her mother definitely wouldn't have been working. An unmarried woman might have taught, but she wouldn't have helped in a clinic, and no married woman would have worked; she'd have been at home taking care of the house and family. If she wasn't there (dead or whatever), wouldn't Gertrude have had a nanny or a governess? Also, leaving for work early and not being home until late has rather a modern feel to it.

Some of your dialogue felt off as well. You use words like "gotta", "hi" and "c'mon", all of which feel very, very modern.

Some of the flashback scenes felt rather awkward. Like when you tell us how Gertrude knows Hans, and when you give us Lady Judy's backstory. Do we need to know exactly how Hans and Gertrude met? It doesn't seem essential to the story just now, and if it becomes important, introduce it at a later date when it doesn't slow down the story so much. The big info-dump about Lady Judy really did bog down the flow and pace of the narrative, and I really would strongly recommend reworking it.

I hope this was helpful! PM me if you have any questions.

-Twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir



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