A dream

Last night I dreamed that I took a razor and slashed my wrists. The blood rushed out of the wounds in small red beams from every beat of my heart. It hurt, but in a good way. Everything was so calm and quiet. It felt as if nothing was impossible. Everything was just beautiful. Life as it seemed was drifting further and further away. As I was getting lost within myself I suddenly realized all the things I am leaving behind and so I pressed my bloody arms against my body regretting it all.
If only I was braver.

This has a bunch of potential, Annabella. I actually think this is well written, though I think it could be better in a poem.

These are all things I would change to make it a bit more emotional. These are by no means gramatical fixes, or even recommended. I'm just saying it's what I would do. Notes are in bold and suggestions are italicized.

annabella wrote:Last night I dreamed that I took a razor and slashed my wristsEmo child, are we?. The blood rushed out of the wounds in small red beams from every beat of my heart. <3 It hurt,take out the comma, but in an eclipse but in a good way. Everything was so calm and quietso calm, so quiet instead. It felt as if nothing was impossible. Everything was just beautiful. Life as it seemed was drifting further and further away[i]you could ass a cool simile here, i.e: like a sailboat caught by the wind or something.[/i]. As I was getting lost within myself I suddenly realized all the things I am leaving behind and so II would remove the 'I' pressed my bloody arms against my body, regretting it all.
If only I was braver.

What I liked:
-No grammatical errors
-Nicely written
-The last line
-The pureness

What was Okay:
-You took on a Cliche theme. I think you still pulled it off, though.

What wasn't so hot:
-formatting
-lack of emotion

I really like this. It's really, really good and well--written. I can see that it is pure and comes from the heart.

Wow, I'm really getting into this like it's a story. Anyways, your dream must have been scary. I know from cutting my legs once how bad razors hurt when they slice your wrist. One question- did you see it in first or third person?


~MilkNCookies

MilkNCookies: It dreamed it in first person, thanks for reading!

I corrected my text and wrote more here: topic78399.html