What We Will Be

This arrow soars, ripping
through blankets of fog,
ablaze with garnet flares
and filled with deadly potential,
and yet is no more capable of a piercing
than the design of its crafter.

To the girl, black-haired and frail in the mirror,
I imagine what you may have been: the holder
of all the promise in your mother's eyes,
the fulfiller of your father's dreams.
A vicarious rag doll, destined for the soil.

Perhaps, following Charon's course,
I may discover the potential you left behind;
and yet, among the sickly waters, I remember
that we will all soon be as you:

a corpse in the hellish brine.

Well you are different.

KarmaWave wrote:Consider:
the arrow soars, ripping
through blankets of fog,
ablaze with garnet flares
and filled with deadly potential.

Perhaps, following Charon's course,
I may discover the potential you left behind;
and yet, among the sickly waters, I remember
that we will all soon be as you,

a corpse in the hellish brine.

I'm short on time and need to meet college advisors/profs soon, so a quick look.

Very concise overview of the imagery and beginning to end, a theorizing exercise. Pondering then concluding.

Now the language in the first stanza is nice, but it's anchored in nothing. Just words. Semantics with no connection. No real exploration in your writing or you. They're not bad, but they don't do more than continue a dialogue with yourself. It's a tricky path.

The next stanza is equally interesting, but I think you're suffering from the length you chose to write this. Charon, your only way to create a basis becomes a tool to the speaker...but what? What is this finding? Death? Inedible end? I'm not bothered by the lack of an answer, it's that I don't feel stimulated to truly love the concept. Or the lack of one.

Also, the final two lines undo your efforts. You provide a conclusion, but the journey is incomplete. The journey is too fine point, too exact, and not raw, not visceral enough.

Go back and see what words are necessary, what lines are helping or just interjection, and then see if you really want to create this grand conclusion.

This is an interesting start, good luck. Hope this helped!

Hey there,
I love the way you construct your sentences. Good work. Bravo

May I say, I love how different this is. It sounds a lot like my own writing, that is, all jumbled up. To me, writing like this really shows how unpredictable and scattered the human mind is.

Wonderful imagery and use of language. I really appreciate the fact that it doesn't make much sense, because so many writers often forget what it is like to sit and write without having a plan in mind.

The only suggestion I have is to work on your grammar. Commas, periods, etc. can add rhythm and a lot more to the poem. Bravo!