Balema - Re-write

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 12621
Reviews 83
Prologue

Detective Patrick Myles wasn’t an emotional man. But this crime was different. With this crime, all he felt was emotion – and that emotion was confusion.
Myles had never gotten an A in Science, but he knew there wasn’t something in the dry outer-Brisbane air that could cause a 12-year-old girl to disappear into it.
He lifted his coffee cup from the damp case papers beneath it and sipped, grimaced, then started rifling through the notes and print-outs. He could hardly read the notes, because whoever had taken them had obviously gotten their handwriting lessons from chickens’ toenails, but the midget mass of the file told a clear tale.
They didn’t know a damn thing. And they had a snowball’s chance of getting any new information.
“Uuugh.” Myles groaned and stretched his arms over his head. A corner of shiny paper stuck out from under his coffee where he’d placed it on the desk.
“Damn,” he swore. He pulled the photo out and tried to wipe off the ring of wet made by the base of the mug. It wasn’t even their photo; the force was supposed to return all original photos to the owner. He raised the picture to eye level and stared blankly at the figure in it.
A blonde girl with a shy grin looked out past the photographer with dark blue eyes, trying to contain her laughter at something beyond the border. Her long braid draped over her shoulder and past the bottom of the shot, looking dirty with the brown that perhaps excluded her from being a true blonde. This was who they were trying to find. Samantha Stizagailii. Myles turned the picture over to reveal the blank back for perhaps the twelfth time that day, then flipped it around again, searching the reluctantly laughing eyes of the victim. Not for the first time, he wondered, Samantha Stizagailii… where are you?


Balema Chapter 1 – Captured


Aphrodite was walking through the horse-shoe shaped street on which the hunters’ huts and lodges were stationed, the useful parts of a dead doe slung over one shoulder. She flicked a frock of brilliant red hair – red as blood – absently out of her vision, and tucked it behind one ear. As always, it refused to stay there, and flopped back into place to complete the shoulder-length mane. She glared at it and growled.
Her feet pushed up puffs of dirt as she skipped from one side of the deep tire-tracks made in the rough road to the other. Her calves hurt from so much walking, and carrying a heavy load at that, but she was pulled onwards by the thought of a simple dinner and a treat of mint leaves she knew her Uncle would have bought for her, as he did every hunting trip. Turning the last corner in the lane, she sighted a tall, blonde elf fixing a hole rendered in the palm-leaf roof of a pathetic little hut.
“Andrew!” she called, pleased. “It’s about time!”
“It’s not like you live here enough to care,” Andrew shot back.
“Well, it was faulty. Annoying. Savvy? And I don’t want my foster-uncle being rained out.”
“It would be just as wet outside!” Andrew exclaimed.
Aphrodite lifted an eyebrow at him. Andrew tilted his current tool thoughtfully.
“I see your point.”
Blonde, socially unchallenged and unsociably awkward. That was her uncle Andrew.
Aphrodite set the bag containing the deer meat down on a table standing next to the hut, and wiped her hands on the back of her pant legs, trying to figure out what it was that was bugging her, and the more she thought about it, the more it was evident there was something.
She looked over the hut again. An animal-hide canvas with rips for windows was stretched over an oak frame, which was in turn covering walls made of stacked mortal inventions reinforced with hard, dry mud. The screens glinted like dozens of eyes in the dim light of the afternoon.
With a sigh of annoyance at the nagging feeling that something was wrong, she started to make her way to the doorway of the hut when Andrew jumped from the roof to bar her way. Aphrodite stopped and looked at him, holding onto her patience by the fingertips.
“Uh – don’t yell, scream or shout.” he cautioned, and stepped to the side. Aphrodite raised a warning eyebrow and pushed past him. When she stepped into the living room, she gasped.
On a large armchair lay, unmistakably, a mortal – someone from another world, the world called Earth. But not any normal mortal.
Aphrodite yelped and jumped back into the hallway, peering through the doorway with hands clenched over the doorframe.
“Are you mad?” She shouted, spinning to face Andrew. She peered back into the living room. Andrew shoved a mug of strong-smelling tea in her face, but she smacked it away. She grabbed it again as an afterthought. “Darn it, Andrew!”
She blew on the cup testily, eyeing the mortal and testing her fingering on the wooden exterior of her ‘handcuffs’. Were those – were those cat ears? Aphrodite’s eyes widened.
“Aphrodite, we have to take her to Portall. You know this. You know this.”
“Yes, I know it just fine.” she whispered. “Just fine, thank you.”
Aphrodite sighed, and the two looked at each other.
The mortal stirred.

Samantha Stizagailii woke from a deep sleep, though she didn’t remember dozing off. A smell of dead cane toads was so strong she gagged. She lifted her head, and after the smell, the next thing she noticed was the size of the junkyard she was in. It went from horizon to horizon, with what might have been a fence in the far distance to her left and right. A clear, pure blue sky stretched out above.
Tufts of grass and weeds stuck out from between jumbled piles. A grandfather’s clock, a bookcase with encyclopaedias worth a fortune, and other things that, apart from their grubbiness and lack of care, were in perfect condition. She saw a van on its side, the door pulled open, and mouldy cardboard packaging featuring a grinning pineapple. A pool slide, with words written on the fibreglass that read:

EXIT GATE + MORTAL DOCUMENTATION ->

Suddenly, Sam knew she wasn’t on Earth anymore. She stumbled upwards and turned three hundred and sixty degrees, panic rising.
A figure was two meters away walking through the junkyard towards her. The figure, Sam thought, and wondered immediately afterwards what had brought this thought on.
“Samantha,” said a feminine voice. “I must tell you it’s an honour.”
The face of the person was covered by the shadows made by a wide-brimmed straw hat. A pair of red lips made a curved line that bared no teeth, but that was all she saw of the face. The woman wore a long-sleeved, loose shirt tied at the waist and made of some light fabric above pants skinny enough to be full-length leggings. Her hair was dark violet, shifting in the gusts of decay-smelling air. She looked no older than seventeen.
Sam hadn’t laid eyes on the woman for more than a second before she tumbled towards the ground from sudden fatigue. The woman swooped and caught her, laying Sam across her lap and bent knees.
“Sleep,” the figure commanded, with a faint twisting of the lips. “I can not do it with you awake. Sleep, Samantha.”
And sleep Sam did.
“Now,” the figure whispered. “Change.”
Sam flexed in her sleep, reaching for the sky, brow furrowed. Her fingernails changed to curved, black claws and dug themselves into new slits on her fingertips. Her hair rippled and turned black, while furry black cat ears were made of her hairless human ones. Sam’s new black cat tail curled around one leg as she relaxed. The unknown woman let her own weight fall backwards, and sat on the junkyard with legs out-stretched under Sam.
“Oh, Samantha,” Encarata mused. She lowered her head to look at the girl’s face, the shadows from her hat covering all but her chin. “You will get used to it.”
Sam growled softly and her ear flicked, as if in contradiction. Encarata just grinned with perfect, white teeth. She stayed with the girl for a while, studying the face of the ‘mortal’. Her shirt billowed in the faint wind, and she turned her face towards the cool breeze. Finally, she sighed, lifted the girl off her with strong arms and laid her down carefully on a patch of ground clear of junk and wreckage. Before long, her form was swallowed by one of the many swarms of flies floating across the junkyard. They swirled around her, and when they lifted, the goddess had disappeared.


Love, Durrs
{Insert witty and/or memorable movie quotes here} [Give credit so I don't die by lawyer]

{Follow up with mention of worth-while activity that betters the YWS community}

{Insert link to activity}

{Insert well-humoured internet bribery to entice viewers to join in the activity}




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 83957
Reviews 1464
Hi, Durrie!

Yaaay! Some good ol' fashioned fantasy. I love fantasy. Almost any fantasy story can please me. And yours is no exception! It certainly sounds like something I'd keep reading. In fact, I wanted to. D: By the way, I really liked how the goddess disappeared in a swirl of flies. So cool!

I'll start with the prologue, which is nice and short. First thing, the bit about his science grade threw me off for a number of reasons. 1.) I thought he was a student all of a sudden. 2.) I don't see how his science grade would matter when it comes to something being "off" with this case. And 3.) forgive me if I'm wrong (which no doubt I probably am), but wouldn't disappearances be... well, not common. But it wouldn't be the first time he's run into a confusing case about a disappearing girl, would it? Now, I know what's probably going through your head. xD This is an odd disappearance. I mean, seriously. I'm assuming this chick's been gone for weeks if not months by the time of the prologue. It would definitely be concerning if she wasn't found yet! So perhaps try to begin your prologue again to set it up in a way that the reader would know instantly this is an odd case. Perhaps mention it's been this long, and he still hasn't figured anything out. Or perhaps there was a team of detectives on the case, and there was still no progress. Also, if he's an experienced/old/mature detective, that would definitely play into the whole "WHY ISN'T THIS CASE SOLVED YET" thing we're setting up.

I got most of the above by just reading the first couple lines. D:

So, I shall move on to chapter 1!

Only a couple things to mention here, one being how we spend a few sentences talking about her hair. XD Kinda detracts from the whole feeling-tired-from-walking-home bit. Which, by the way, she would be used to, right? Maybe? Maybe not. It's not like I've ever carried a deer over my shoulder before. (That thing must be heavy.) Buuut wouldn't she be somewhat used to hunting by now, and thus the trek home? So she'd have planned her trips back home better by now? Or if she was given a deer in the first place, surely she took it with enough self-confidence that she wouldn't be so tired. And if she was wrong in thinking this, that would be something to mention! Definitely a huge insight on her personality. :D

Also, she calls her uncle "Foster-Uncle"? O: That's a new one.

Now, I'm not sure why she had this eerie feeling something was wrong. Perhaps mention that it's unusually quiet? Or maybe Andrew is usually outside to greet her? Or perhaps her foster-uncle is? There must be some reason why she had this feeling, even if it's some instinct her species tends to have. Like animal instinct, only not animal. xD Anyway. I also think Andrew's surprise entrance could be more surprising not only to Aphrodite (which I'm sure it was since he just plopped right in front of her) but also to the reader. At the moment, the whole scene seems very casual. I think maybe a tweak in style? Avoid too much description and focus on the problem at hand -- stranger danger!

(How did she smack a mug without spilling the contents?)

Okay, I'll jump to my last big note. The transformation! Someone probably already said this, but perhaps it should be a bit mooore painful? It sounds painful. o_O The claws bit anyway. That made my fingers tingle. Like, I was holding my fingers. Or my hands were folded in such a way to prevent claws from growing out of my fingertips. Anyway. I feel like Samantha handled that really well, even if she just fainted. (Or was it a magicky-wagicky ooga-booga sleeping spell? That should probably be portrayed somehow then. D: )

So that's I'll I've got for now! I hope you continue writing this. =D I've noticed you had other previous editions of, what I assume, is this? If that's the case, don't edit too much. D: Just keep writing! Things will fall into place, and then you can fill in the blanks or move things around. Otherwise, you'll just forget! D:

Anyway, great job!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 12621
Reviews 83
Thanks Jabbs! You're completely correct, as always. I'll make these few tweaks and move on! This is actually the last draft until I send it to a publisher, so I'm really glad you liked it! You've been really helpful =D

Love Durrs ^^
{Insert witty and/or memorable movie quotes here} [Give credit so I don't die by lawyer]

{Follow up with mention of worth-while activity that betters the YWS community}

{Insert link to activity}

{Insert well-humoured internet bribery to entice viewers to join in the activity}



something I have been thinking about ever since I saw the Super Mario Bros movie is how once I took a "what Nintendo character are you" quiz and I got Waluigi.
— Elinor