vengeance (chapter three)

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if you haven't read the first chapter, click this link so you are not incredibly confused. topic78137.html

Chapter three

I woke up slowly and peacefully. Suddenly, I made the realization that I was not awakening in the same place I had fallen, and panic began to set in. I assessed my surrounding hurriedly as I jumped to my feet. Dean was nowhere to be found, and I found myself in what looked like the interior of a stone cottage. The only person I saw at first glance was a girl who looked about eighteen. Instinctually, I drew my weapon and leaped forward at her. She gasped, clearly not expecting such a violent greeting. In a haste to escape the reach of my sword, which was now pointed at her face, she tripped backwards over a shelf of glass vials and backed into a wall. Her frail body expanded and contracted with vigor as she began to hyperventilate. Tears began to form in her crystal blue eyes, and fear was written all over her face. My fear melted, and was replaced by a pang of guilt. A logical voice in my head still told me to be cautious, so I kept my sword drawn, but withdrew it enough to not be menacing.

"Who are you?" I asked, trying not to sound intimidating.

"My name is Sarah, who are you?" she responded, fearfully eying my sword, her hands visibly trembling.

"I'm Duncan, nice to meet you," I said, realizing how out of place this sounded after the last ten seconds of sword drawing and glass vial smashing. I heard Dean waking up, and realized that he had been on the floor the whole time. For a brief second I wondered how he got there, then dismissed the question from my mind to focus on more pressing matters. Like where I was.

"So, where exactly am I?" I said, sheathing my weapon, and hoping the stunning blond girl before me would conveniently forget that I almost cut her open with a sword moments before.

"This is my home," she said timidly. "I make medicine here." For the first time, I noticed to room itself. The stone walls were lightly covered in moss and vines, giving the place an ancient feel, and the room itself was filled with four beds, and many shelves of empty and full glass vials. Scattered on these shelves were also assorted roots, herbs, powders, and balms, most of which bearing a label written in another language. Light shown in from a square hole in the ceiling with a grate underneath for rainwater. Other than that, there was only one opening in the building. A rotting old wooden door covered the exit, despite serving neither the purpose of keeping heat in, nor keeping intruders out. Suddenly it made sense to me what she meant by "medicine".

"So you're a witch doctor?"

"We prefer the term, medicine woman," she snapped back, looking hurt and offended.

"Oh, sorry. But still," I said, pausing to gather my thoughts so I didn't offend her again, "You cast... well spells, right?"

"It's a little more complicated than that, but yes... I cast spells," she declared, trying to judge my reaction. I didn't want to seem insensitive, so I attempted to not show any reaction, even though quite frankly, I was surprised. I had heard stories about shamans and medicine women, but had never met one. I honestly expected her to look a little more like a hag, and less like a girl, but nevertheless, I decided to try not to treat her like some kind of strange creature. Even if she could do magic. Sorry, medicine.

"Where are we?" Dean asked, looking confused but reassured that I was remaining calm.

"Some medicine woman's house," I responded.

"medicine woman?"

"witch doctor."

"Oh." Once again I found myself thankful that no one could hear my conversations with Dean. Dean then began to stare off into space, implying to me that he was conversing with Sarah's Chi. Well I hope they get off to a better start than we did, I thought to myself.

"Did you bring me here?" I asked Sarah, trying not to sound accusatory but failing.

"You were in pretty bad shape. You must have hit your head on a rock or something, because your head was bleeding all over the place. I took you back here to heal you."

"Well thank you, but I have to leave now, I need to get back to my quest," I said importantly.

"I know who you're looking for."
I paused for a moment and stopped walking towards the door. This was unexpected.

"How do you-?" I began to ask.

"When I found you there were dead bodies everywhere. They were all Kane's men. Obviously you're on a quest to kill him."

"Okay, well like I said before, I need to go."

"Did I mention I know where to find him?"

For the next several hours, Sarah and I had dinner, while pouring over a map of the region. I wondered at one point how much more Dean must know from his conversation with Sarah's Chi. After all, conversations move much quicker when no one has to pause to eat.


The area where Kane's camp was, seemed breathtakingly difficult to reach. Judging by the map, which looked to be about a hundred years old, to get to Kane we would have to either cross miles of plains filled with highwaymen, then venture through a forest which few people have ever survived, or we could navigate through miles of underground tunnels, then climb over several mountains. Sarah and I both agreed on taking the former choice.


I packed only food, water, one change of clothes, and my sword, which seemed almost nothing compared to what Sarah packed. In her backpack there were hundreds of herbs, creams, and vials. She also packed several rocks, much to my confusion, and an assortment of books and scrolls. I was amazed she still had room for five pairs of clothes.


Sarah had already decided she would be going with me, and while I wanted to tell her to stay here because it was far too dangerous, several things stopped me. If she could in fact do "medicine", then she was probably a valuable asset, and could come in handy. In addition, I would be lying to say I didn't enjoy her company. She made me feel like I was at home whenever I spoke with her, and for someone without a home, that was a rare commodity.


We decided against leaving until morning, and spent the night in the cottage. Dean slept in a random spot on the floor, or on a table, because as I have learned, Chi don't seem to find anything uncomfortable. As I laid in bed, Dean filled me in on the things he had learned.

"She's actually really nice, it's a shame you can't see her."

"I get it, get to the point."

"Well anyways, she told me that raiders often come through here looking for healing, and Sarah gives it to them because they threaten to kill her. Did she tell you she can do magic?"

"I told you that. Really, don't you ever listen to my conversations with people?"

"I do... sometimes... when the person you're talking to doesn't have a cute Chi."

"Did you learn anything else?"

"Yeah, did you know Rebecca has a really good memory? She remembers most of the stuff that Sarah needs for her spells, it's really-" I cut him off.

"Did you learn anything not about Rebecca," whom I assumed was Sarah's Chi. He paused for a moment to think.

"not really..."

I sighed, and let sleep overtake me. The next day's journey was not going to be easy.
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.




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Very good once again! =] I'm getting addicted to your strories ! <3 Review minne (:




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Allow me to use your story in order to gain another 100-200 points for my team, haha! :D nah seriously, I'm looking forward to reviewing this though. I like this story (:

Let me begin by saying when I opened up this chapter, I immediately thought 'oh man, another wake up in another house chapter?' And then I saw that Duncan still had his weapon and he jumped up to attack, and I was like 'oh snap! that's new!' Yeah, so it's a pretty solid beginning to the chapter that I don't see a lot. And I'm happy to see that you're getting better at showing with action instead of telling with words! Yay! :D they grow up so fast *sniff sniff*.

For a brief second I wondered how he got there, then dismissed the question from my mind to focus on more pressing matters. Like where I was.

From what you've said about Chis before, wouldn't Duncan know where Dean is at all times? Anyway, just seems like a lapse in lore to me. You can leave it or change it.

"So, where exactly am I?" I said, sheathing my weapon, and hoping the stunning blond girl before me would conveniently forget that I almost cut her open with a sword moments before.

LOL'D when I read this line, haha. You've still got that comical gift of funny words.

Tears began to form in her crystal blue eyes, and fear was written all over her face. My fear melted, and was replaced by a pang of guilt

Once again, need more showiness! Don't say fear was written on her face, show me what the fear looks like! The tears were a good addition, so add more! Also, if you're going to say fear in her description, don't then say it in Duncan's description, cause the repetition sounds awkward (plus he doesn't seem like he's afraid, so much as pissed). And show the change in emotion as opposed to telling it.

"This is my home," she said timidly. "I make medicine here." For the first time, I noticed to room itself.

You should begin a new paragraph when switching from Sarah's line to Duncan's observation. It just looks neater and makes it easier to read. Always make a new paragraph when switching ideas, characters, or settings.

"We prefer the term, medicine woman," she snapped back, looking hurt and offended.

SHOW, DONT TELL! Don't say 'look hurt and offended,' show what she does when she feels it!

"It's a little more complicated than that, but yes... I cast spells," she declared, trying to judge my reaction. I didn't want to seem insensitive, so I attempted to not show any reaction, even though quite frankly, I was surprised.

Once again, SHOW! This is too much tell. I want physical reactions and events!

Dean then began to stare off into space, implying to me that he was conversing with Sarah's Chi.

Don't say implying, the word sounds awkward. Say 'it gave the impression,' or something like that.

I asked Sarah, trying not to sound accusatory but failing.

SHOW MORE! NOT TELL!

"Well thank you, but I have to leave now, I need to get back to my quest," I said importantly.

I paused for a moment and stopped walking towards the door. This was unexpected.

The first line is too much tell, and the second one is redundant. Don't say paused, stopped, and unexpected all in the same line. Use different types of words, or only say it once. Pick one.

In her backpack there were hundreds of herbs, creams, and vials. She also packed several rocks, much to my confusion, and an assortment of books and scrolls. I was amazed she still had room for five pairs of clothes.

Good showing here, good images. I laughed at the last part. Again, very funny :D

I would be lying to say I didn't enjoy her company. She made me feel like I was at home whenever I spoke with her, and for someone without a home, that was a rare commodity.

Aww, how sweet! :D That's positively adorable (I guess you did learn something from Theresa and Lorenzo, hahaha (:). You're really coming along with learning how to portray emotion between two characters. I'm proud of you, my protege, haha. This could be a little more showy, use a little more concrete detail, but hey, a sentimental abstract feeling can be effective when used right. But since they just met, Duncan might have a little obscurity about his feeling, as opposed to being able to name it so easily. Just a suggestion, I'm happy you're making progress!

I LOL'D a lot at the last question/answer between Duncan and Dean.
"Yeah, did you know Rebecca has a really good memory? She remembers most of the stuff that Sarah needs for her spells, it's really-" I cut him off.

"Did you learn anything not about Rebecca," whom I assumed was Sarah's Chi. He paused for a moment to think.

"not really..."

HILARIOUS! Haha. I like it a lot. This is the kind of humor that made Percy Jackson and Septimus Heap and other young adult fantasy series so great. Keep it up!

I like it a lot, just need to tak a look at the hiccups I showed you, and keep making improvements! You're coming along nicely, and I'm going to antagonize you until this story is finished! haha :D
- SOCKS
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Hey there! :)

I'm starting to like this novel more and more as it progresses. I think I finally got it down. Dean is the Chi, and Duncan is the MC. I was confused, even when I thought I had it figured out! xD

I'm also glad that Duncan has another acquaintance other than Dean. There wasn't much dialogue before, but now that there's another person in play, I'm hoping for more conversations, although yet again the detail was beautiful! :) I like how adventurous this story is too.

At a first glance of the first chapter, I thought it was going to be a short story about him helping to rebuild the village. But I'm glad it turned out to be something different.

Well, you've done it again! I'm off to read the next chapter! Awesome job! :)

~Amfli
GO TEAM TOXIC NUDIBRANCH! :D
Forever for All <3

MUSIC RULES! :)

Everyday is Earth Day! :D




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Hey-oh!

Suddenly, I made the realization that I was not awakening in the same place I had fallen, and panic began to set in.

So wordy! Pare it down a little. Rather than the above, something like "Suddenly I realized I wasn't where I'd fallen. Panic took hold." would work much more effectively. It takes waaay less time to get to the actual point and doesn't ramble on so long.

Her frail body expanded and contracted with vigor as she began to hyperventilate.

Again, really wordy. "She began to hyperventilate." works just fine.

Purple prose is the enemy here! It's very tempting to wax poetic when it comes to your writing, especially in the tradition of grand epic fantasy, but it really just becomes grating to a reader. We want to care about these characters, not necessarily get caught up in the language. Beautiful language is an asset to be sure, but really, what's here is just distracting from the human emotions that should be the central focus here.

For a brief second I wondered how he got there, then dismissed the question from my mind to focus on more pressing matters.

Ummm, so he doesn't care about Dean? I mean, for all he knows, Dean could be dead on the floor there. Unless Dean isn't really completely corporeal, but in that case, how would we know? I'm still not clear on exactly what Dean is.

I wondered at one point how much more Dean must know from his conversation with Sarah's Chi.

Ooh, more hints! I'm still not entirely clear here, but apparently everyone has one? Why don't the two of them just discuss it and then relay the information to their respective partners via telepathic conversation? Seems like it could take less time that way, if indeed the Chi don't need to eat.

"I do... sometimes... when the person you're talking to doesn't have a cute Chi."

Hmm, this was interesting. It was nice to see a little of Dean's personality coming through. We've really seen so little of it. I want to know more about him, to see him and Duncan interacting more. It would help explore this relationship of theirs, not to mention help illustrate some of their respective emotions and thoughts on their current situation. How does Dean feel about Duncan's plan to kill Kane? Does he feel the same sort of vengeful rage? Does he care? Is he his own individual (as it sort of appears here) or is he linked to Duncan's motivations?

It was nice to see more conversation here, but it still felt all matter-of-fact and distant. Everything was to advance the plot, rather than to flesh out some characters. All we know about Sarah is that she's pretty and she makes medicine. What is her personality like? Why does she want to help Duncan? Stuff like this is important and would make it that much more interesting.

I'm there for questions/comments.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



You never really know how much of you takes residence in other people... We all exchange bits and pieces of ourselves with each other until we're big sparkly collages of everyone and everything we've ever loved
— GengarTheGhost