The Decision Process

"Look guys", said I, "We've got a distinct lack of any facial movement or even verbal response. What are we going to do?"

The Logician amongst us piped up, "Are we interested in her? There is no point in a detailed response if we aren't interested in getting closer to her."

Snapped my fingers from my big chair did I, "Databanks, check our status on whether we are interested in this girl."

There was a distant shout from the other side of the cavernous yet busy building, "What's her name?"

Raised an eyebrow and queried, were the actions I took, "Someone Eyeball that girl, give me a positive ID on her."

An instant response I garnered, "It's Stacey Hobbs, 5th Year. Braces, brown hair in waves --"

A Rememberancerer butted in with, "Our boy likes wavy hair. And...", he checked some notes from a passing assistant, "... he also likes her perfume that she's wearing."

Nodding I was, "Useful to know. Anything else?"

The Eyeballer continued with her report, "Anyway. Blue eyes that aaaaaaare-", she conferred with a colleague, then looked back at myself, "Aquamarine. And she has a nice rack."

There were a few surprised looks from researchers who stopped as the colleague whispered in her ear again.

"And a nice ass, apparently", she added with a sigh, "They aren't my words."

Nodded appreciatively I did, "Alrighty then. Rememberancerers! Is that a good enough ID?"

"Sure is!", came the distant reply again, over the tops of hundreds of busy little people. "We're getting a definite physical attraction on Stacey Hobbs, 5th Year. I'd rate it at around 7.31417928 on the Hubblahubbala-Rufruff Monitor, but that's only a rough estimation as it's not the most accurate machine."

Despairing was I, "Damn Dr. Hubblahubbala and Professor Rufruff for their crappy technology. Damn them!" Sighed did I. Asked with , "Do we have anything we can say that's interesting enough to get her to keep talking to us?"

The Head Topical Analyst sifted through several sheets of notes, becoming ever more desperate as assistants handed him more and more, accompanied by shrugs and shakes of the head. Eventually, angered I was.

"Well? Is there anything?!"

He looked at me with panic, "Nothing! Nothing remotely topical and interesting at the same time! We've drawn a complete blank!"

Anxious I became, "Buggeration! What do we do? I need ideas people, literally anything feasible!"

There were many answers, most of which were unhelpful e.g. 'Cough, then run away', 'Burst into tears?' and 'Punch somebody. Anybody!' However, one ThoughtThunderer thoughtfully pointed out, "Why don't we invite her to a party?"

Straight to him I turned, "What party? There are no parties right now. Are there?"

"Databank!" Called out I.

The reply was instantaneous, as always, "None at all. Sorry."

An IdeaShowerer jumped up with the suddenness of a brainwave, "Why don't we have a party, then invite her to it?"

Stood up I did, then jamming a finger into his face I also decided to do, "Lets do that then, that's an excellent idea. Promotion!"

The IdeaShowerer beamed, and seemed to grow several centimetres.

"Verbal Decision Decider!" Was called out by I, "Phrase that decision into an answer, statement and then a preposition, add in some wiggle room, make it polite yet cool and flirtatious, and also get some hand motions to emphasize it."

The Verbal Decision Decider saluted, then called out orders to his staff through the commotion. Very soon it was that he turned back to myself and said, "We have the response phrased, and ready to go!"

"Good", said I. Making sure it was everyone's attention I held, continued I, "Lets try out our hard work!"




I was daydreaming on a school bench in the bright sunlight, not really tuned into the chatter going on around me, when a shadow fell across my face. Looking up and opening my eyes, I recognised Stacey Hobbs from the year above smiling at me. I caught the scent of her perfume in my nostrils, and seeing that she had put waves in her hair, I smiled up at her, pleased to see her. She knew I liked wavy hair.

"Hey Simon", her grin widening, showing her braces, "How's it going?"

"Not much really, just chilling", I said, thinking desperately for something interesting to say. Suddenly I had a brainwave, "Actually, I'm thinking of having a party this weekend. I was wondering if you might want to come?"

Incredibly, her smile widened even more as she replied, "Sure, I'd love to!"

Hey there roostangarar, I hope you're having a great day!
Corrections in red, brackets if I have any comments.

roostangarar wrote:"Look guys", said I, "We've got a distinct lack of any facial movement or even verbal response. What are we going to do?"

The Logician amongst us piped up, "Are we interested in her? There is no point in a detailed response if we aren't interested in getting closer to her."

Snapped my fingers from my big chair did I, "Databanks, check our status on whether we are interested in this girl."

There was a distant shout from the other side of the cavernous yet busy building, "What's her name?"

Raised an eyebrow and queried, were the actions I took, "Someone Eyeball that girl, give me a positive ID on her."

An instant response I garnered, "It's Stacey Hobbs, 5th Year. Braces, brown hair in waves --"

A Rememberancerer [This word is really obnoxious to read] butted in with, "Our boy likes wavy hair. And...", he checked some notes from a passing assistant, "... he also likes her perfume that she's wearing."

Nodding I was, "Useful to know. Anything else?"

The Eyeballer continued with her report, "Anyway. Blue eyes that are-", she conferred with a colleague, then looked back at myself, "Aquamarine. And she has a nice rack."

There were a few surprised looks from researchers who stopped as the colleague whispered in her ear again.

"And a nice ass, apparently", she added with a sigh, "They aren't my words."

Nodded appreciatively I did, "Alrighty then. Rememberancerers! Is that a good enough ID?"

"Sure is!", came the distant reply again, over the tops of hundreds of busy little people. "We're getting a definite physical attraction on Stacey Hobbs, 5th Year. I'd rate it at around 7.31417928 on the Hubblahubbala-Rufruff Monitor, but that's only a rough estimation as it's not the most accurate machine."

Despairing was I, "Damn Dr. Hubblahubbala and Professor Rufruff for their crappy technology. Damn them!" Sighed did I. Asked with , "Do we have anything we can say that's interesting enough to get her to keep talking to us?"

The Head Topical Analyst sifted through several sheets of notes, becoming ever more desperate as assistants handed him more and more notes, accompanied by shrugs and shakes of the head. Eventually, angered I was.

"Well? Is there anything?!"

He looked at me with panic, "Nothing! Nothing remotely topical or interesting at the same time! We've drawn a complete blank!"

Anxious I became, "Buggeration! What do we do? I need ideas people, literally anything feasible!"

There were many answers, most of which were unhelpful e.g. 'Cough, then run away', 'Burst into tears?' and 'Punch somebody. Anybody!' However, one ThoughtThunderer thoughtfully pointed out, "Why don't we invite her to a party?"

Straight to him I turned, "What party? There are no parties right now. Are there?"

"Databank!" Called out I.

The reply was instantaneous, as always, "None at all. Sorry."

An IdeaShowerer jumped up with the suddenness of a brainwave, "Why don't we have a party, then invite her to it?"

Stood up I did, then jamming a finger into his face I also decided to do, "Lets do that then, that's an excellent idea. Promotion!"

The IdeaShowerer beamed, and seemed to grow several centimetres.

"Verbal Decision Decider!" Was called out by I, "Phrase that decision into an answer, statement and then a preposition, add in some wiggle room, make it polite yet cool and flirtatious, and also get some hand motions to emphasize it."

The Verbal Decision Decider saluted, then called out orders to his staff through the commotion. Very soon it was that he turned back to myself and said, "We have the response phrased, and ready to go!"

"Good", said I. Making sure it was everyone's attention I held, continued I, "Lets try out our hard work!"

*****

I was daydreaming on a school bench in the bright sunlight, not really tuned into the chatter going on around me, when a shadow fell across my face. Looking up and opening my eyes, I recognised Stacey Hobbs from the year ahead of me, smiling at me. I caught the scent of her perfume in my nostrils, and seeing that she had put waves in her hair, I smiled up at her, pleased to see her. She knew I liked wavy hair.

"Hey Simon", her grin widening, showing her braces, "How's it going?"

"Not much really, just chilling", I said, thinking desperately for something interesting to say. Suddenly I had a brainwave, "Actually, I'm thinking of having a party this weekend. I was wondering if you might want to come?"

Incredibly, her smile widened even more as she replied, "Sure, I'd love to!"

Okay so the first thing I want to say is that this is a really cute and quirky piece! I was a little confused at the beginning, but then i realized what was happening and I started enjoying it. I really liked how you gave the voices in his head names, it was a nice touch. You mixed made up lingo and advance vocab words, which I think gave the piece the humorous feel you were looking for. The ending was my favorite part, when I finally figure what's really going on.

What I didn't like so much was how the narrator spoke backwards,

Snapped my fingers from my big chair did I

It interrupted the flow because I had to stop and think about what was being said. It also got very annoying to read and it didn't add anything to the piece. I think this piece could also be improved by adding some setting description of some sort. The whole first part was just a bunch of random voice talking back and forth and so it was a bit dull.

Overall I like this and I really hope I helped!

Hey, roostangarar, let me point out the few problem areas I found.

"Look guys", said I, "We've got a distinct lack of any facial movement or even verbal response. What are we going to do?"

This is a bad way to start the story. It is abrupt and confusing. You need to find a way that ‘flows’ a little better. I can see that you’re trying to emphasize the busy, fast-paced scene that all these ‘workers’ are placed in, but it just doesn’t work here.
One suggestion would be to put the last section before this one, but you might not like it that way.

Snapped my fingers from my big chair did I, "Databanks, check our status on whether we are interested in this girl."

This, as LauRux said, is pretty befuddling wording. Writing the MC’s words in Yoda’s grammar does make him distinct from the other voices, but it was very confusing when I first read it. I almost thought you had made a mistake. Try going with normal grammar, I’m sure the MC will stand out enough.

A Rememberancerer butted in with, "Our boy likes wavy hair. And...", he checked some notes from a passing assistant, "... he also likes her perfume that she's wearing."

Yeah, it’s hard to read that word, much less remember it. Try ‘Rememberer’, however, even that is hard.

"Sure is!", came the distant reply again, over the tops of hundreds of busy little people.

How can a reply come from ‘over’ people? I think you could reword this sentence. Try: "Sure is!", came the distant reply from hundreds of busy little people.

"We're getting a definite physical attraction on Stacey Hobbs, 5th Year. I'd rate it at around 7.31417928 on the Hubblahubbala-Rufruff Monitor, but that's only a rough estimation as it's not the most accurate machine."

That isn’t pi. Were you referring to something else when you said, “Sorry, I'm afraid that I have only memorised pi up to Feynman's Point. I just can't get past those 9's!”
Anyways, pi is 3.142857142857142857…

He looked at me with panic, "Nothing! Nothing remotely topical and interesting at the same time! We've drawn a complete blank!"

Haha, I know the feeling.

Alright, aside from those points you’ve really got it down. The idea is original and funny, and you’ve certainly gotten it across well.
It is confusing to read in the beginning, and we don’t realize that we’re in the MC’s head until a few paragraphs into the story. I suggested putting part two before part one, but -even though it would make it more understandable- I wouldn’t do that if it was my story. Actually, I’m not sure how I would make it more understandable early on xD.
But that’s not my job. I just have to point out the mistakes and count on you to fix them.
Anyways, thanks for the nice read.
Jenth

Hey Roost!

"Look guys", said I, "We've got a distinct lack of any facial movement or even verbal response. What are we going to do?"

Let me give you an advice first: try not to start a story with a dialog. This only confuses your readers because they're not given any idea of what's going on to the story. This also leads to my second point on how the story is pacing fast. It's hard for your readers to keep up especially if you hadn't given us a chance to understand every sentence entailed in this piece. Slow down and you might want to start your piece with an introductory paragraph. I'll give you something to do: Read the first chapter of any good book and you'll know what I mean. ^^

~Jenthura and Laurux have pretty much explained on how you tend to shuffle your words. Like "said I" instead of "I said". If I were you, I would reread or proofread this piece once again. Read this piece aloud and you'll notice some rough parts that needs smoothening.

~The story itself has potential. I find it funny actually but then again, it can be much better if you had just clean some dusty portions here and there. Everything seems like a blur, so try fixing the windshield so your readers can see and understand clearly of what you're portraying to them.

~The speaker himself looks just like a cut-out cardboard charact. The connection between him and I are a bit detached. You didn't give him enough time to introduce himself to your readers. That's why it's quite a blur. Also you should try to show more, and less on telling. Perhaps you're still a beginner writer (like me >.<), I might consider that. But you should be able to know your weaknesses especially your usage of punctuation and how you depict the interaction between each characters very well so that you'll be able to fix them.

I know there are some good threads here in this site that can help you improve. Click here.

Overall, this has potential. Let me know if you have any questions or clarifications.

Keep writing,
Yuri