My Path

I have fled from the path,
That i long knew was right.
I have chosen to lower
And not to arise.
And sadly each day-
I lower yet more,
For i'm too insecure
To depart from the flow.
So i blend with the crowd
Of mannerless fools,
And drown in a vastness
Of arrogant mules.
And each day
And each night-
I beg for the strenght,
To embrace what is right
And not be afraid.
I want to be bold-
I want to be strong,
I want them to learn-
All that glitter's not gold.

hiya, I think it was a really good poem. I like the way it flows, and the topic you chose was one that not many people have the strength to bring up. I like the way you get the picture to the reader, showing your points and actions without straying from the principle theme of the poem. Although I don't think the slang at the end of the poem was necessary . . . But over all i like it very much

Hi there, Shadow here. First off, this is really nice. 'Like'. I agree with Busheldood, the flow is really nice and the topic is amazing. As well as Busheldood, I like the way you get the picture across to the reader and stay on topic of the poem. I also agree that the 'ain't' at the end is just unnecessary and messes up the flow. Other than that, I like this, it's really amazing and unique. You have a way of getting the point across that makes the whole poem sound neat (I'm not sure if that makes since to you or not). Well, this is a truly amazing piece. Good luck with your writing and if you need anything else reviewed, just shoot me a PM and I'll be happy to take a look at it.

~Forsakinshadow~

Hello there.
I am Ehte here for the review. This was a good poem but it had some ups and downs as all poems have(except some). First of all, did you purposely capitalize each and every first word of a line or did you just ignore it?
The repetitions annoy me a lot in this piece you try out something different at those places. The flow of the poem went off at many places and that is not good. I have some nitpicks, i hope they help you.

I have fled from the path, I have fled from my path,
That I long knew was right.
I have chosen to lower lower does not sound good. Try something else.
And not to arise.
And sadly each day-
I lower yet more,
For I'm too insecure
To depart from the flow. Rewording required.
So I blend with the crowd
Of mannerless fools, mannerless is two words. manner less.
And drown in a vastness And drwon in the vastness
Of arrogant mules.
And each day
And each night-
I beg for the strength,
To embrace what is right
And not be afraid.
I want to be bold-
I want to be strong,
I want them to learn- A lot of repetitions.
All that glitters ain't gold. Get rid of ain't.

Keep writing.

I have fled from the path,
That I long knew was right.
I have chosen to descend -- perhaphs that it is a better word?
And not to arise.

(start a new stanza here)
And sadly each day
I lower yet more,
For I'm too insecure
To depart from the flow.

( new stanza again )
So I blend with the crowd
Of mannerless fools,
And drown in a vastness
Of arrogant mules.

(new stanza)
And each day
And each night
I beg for the strenght,
To embrace what is right
And not be afraid.


I want to be bold
I want to be strong,
I want them to learn
All that glitters ain't gold. (No need for all those <<->> dashes you've used)

I like your poem, and especially the ending.

Hi there. Lavvi in to review.

So. I don't know, but I found a bit of the rhyme scheme a little juvenile. Switching around some words might help. Together, though, it was nice. There are a few typos: some of you i's that should be capitalized are not. I think two to be exact. It's not exactly a very original poem; I've read lots of these types on YWS, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. It all starts with a start/beginning.

Lavvi

double posted accidentally

Hi there. Lavvi in to review.

So. I don't know, but I found a bit of the rhyme scheme a little juvenile. Switching around some words might help. Together, though, it was nice. There are a few typos: some of you i's that should be capitalized are not. I think two to be exact. It's not exactly a very original poem; I've read lots of these types on YWS, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. It all starts with a start/beginning.

Lavvi

Amazing! I loved the quick pacing--the whole poem had a great feel! I think the ryhme sceme was great. I loved the passage:

So i blend with the crowd
Of mannerless fools,
And drown in a vastness
Of arrogant mules.

Again, great poem. The only thing I would change is the last line; it's cliche, and a little anti-climatic. Good work!