In pastel ink

I wrote my fears in pastel ink
Across the meadow floor.
Trampled hard by ants of lead,
They rot on bones forlorn.

I wrote my pleas in dying air,
The mist of winter’s wrath.
They floated high, like many more;
Gone, but never last.

I wrote my thoughts with ink too dark,
Etched in stones of steel.
Cold to touch and pain to cut,
Sucking young girl’s zeal

I wrote my death on Heaven’s lock,
On that which cast me out,
Sent me down to flames of ice;
A liquid-deprived drowned.

I wrote rejection long ago;
As pleasant as I could.
We both now made the fatal choice;
We both misunderstood.

I liked that a lot. Very dramatic, though i would have put the wording differently in some places. I liked the way it flowed into each verse, and how down-to-earth it was.

Style of writing is amazing.. Dramatic? Yes. But still intriguing.

Hey, ultraviolet! This was such a great read! I loved your association of the process of writing (marked by the word "ink") with different human emotions, present in every stanza, in the beginning.

This was so poetic, and the figures of speech that you've used are wonderful (dying air, cold touch and pain to cut etc.

The symmetry (the fact that you begin your stanzas with the same phrase) makes the poem easier to read and more pleasant. I think you have all the potential to become a poet.
Do keep on writing!

Hi, ultraviolet!

Well done on the rhythm -- it was nearly flawless throughout the poem, which alone made this quite an enjoyable read. I think the only - at least the biggest - stumble was this stanza:

I wrote my death on Heaven’s lock,
On that which cast me out,
Sent me down to flames of ice;
A liquid-deprived drowned.

The whole stanza feels arduous, so the contrast between it and the rest of the poem is quite big, since the flow was overall very good.

I'm also craving for the article "a" here:

Sucking young girl’s zeal

even if it'll break the rhythm. You can't, however, ignore grammar for the sake of rhythm.

I like the fact that the rhyming is very subtle -- it's kind of there, but it's not in the spotlight. Discreet and elegant. I like the concept too. So overall, you did a nice job!


Demeter
x

Hi there ultra. Lavvi in to review.

When I first clicked on this, I thought it might be a sort of happy-go-lucky poem or at least something serene. I was quite in for a surprise, though, wasn't it?

It gave me shock, the first stanza, because I then realised the poem was a sad one. I liked it, though. It was definitely different, but in a good way. An original idea it is.

However:

Sent me down to flames of ice;
A liquid-deprived drowned.

The last line seems to be lacking in proper rhythm. I'm not sure how you could fix it, but it just doesn't fit like the others do so well.

Beautiful poem.

Lavvi

I really really like this, actually sounds like a poem I would have to analyze in my AP history class Very good job with the flow and diction, and the rhyming is smooth and easy. I can feel your emotion, which I love.

I don't have any structural advice to give since the majority of the reviewers have already covered the little nit-picky parts.

Very good job and keep writing!

<3 Sara.

nice rhymes and words.

Nice job! I'm not an expert on poems, but I did like this one a lot.
The rhyming, as someone mentioned in a previous reply, was subtle but had an impact.
Love it! Keep it up!