Broken Spirits:Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Dreamstate

Rayia jolts awake, screaming at her empty room. She looks around in panic, searching for something. Anything. Anything remenant of her father. Her father. Her dream. It was just a dream.
"Sigh. It was just a terrible dream."
She looks at her alarm and it spits out 5:00.
"Well, I guess I should get up and get ready."
Rayia, after getting ready for school, she went downstairs to wake up her mom. She walked into the room and flipped on the light.
"Mom, it's time to get up."
No answer.
"Mom! Mom!" she yells shaking her mother's bed.
"WHAT?!" her mother answers.
"It is time for your job interview." she said as she walked to her mother's closet, in hope for something decent.
"No it's not."
"Yes it is. Now put this on." Rayia says as she hands her mother a gray pinstriped suit.
Her mom just lies there looking at her daughter.
"Come on Mom. Please?"
"Ok ok. Here I come."
Her mother gets up and showers, as she showers Rayia goes into the kitchen to make breakfast. After a few minutes her mom comes out of the bathroom with no make up on; resembling an older sister.
"Ok, Ma I made toast, eggs with cheese, bacon and oj. Sit down and eat."
"Ok, thanks baby."
Rayia sits down with her plate to eat too. They both eat and talk about their move from Virginia to New York. And what they plan to do once they get settled. After an hour of small talk with her mother, Rayia looks at the clock above the stove, and it reads 6:30.
"Ok Mom, I gotta get to school. At 7, drive to P.S. 16 and ask for Nicole Whiteman."
"I'll do that." her mother says as she kisses her on the cheek while balancing the breakfast dishes.
"Bye. I love you Mommy."
"I love you too Ladybug."
Then Rayia Sumerson leaves for school.

* * * * * *

Down the step she walks int the street and onto the sidewalk. She walks the eight blocks it takes to get to P.S. 19, her new high school. It is cold and the wind whips through her hair. And the jacket she wears does her no justice, the wind still pinching and nipping at her skin. She finally arrives, thinking she might have gotten frostbite. A gust of wind opens the door for her swirling her hair and jacket all around her, almost freezing her to the bone. She looks around and the first thing that comes to her mind is 'refurbished prison,' the walls were splattered with a dull brown and the floor looked like the color of the earth. And the rest was just an ugly gray color. Clutching her backpack, Rayia heads towards what she guesses is the main office. She walks in and walks into a mosh pit type situation. Everyone hustling and bustling to finish the tasks of the "first day of school frenzy." She sort of molds herself into the back wall until the secretary notices her.
"Come here sugar." says tbe secretary.
Behind the desk is a middle-age woman with eyes as blue as the sky and skin as yellow as butterstotch. Her licorice black hair makes her look younger than her actual age of 40. Rayia clear her throat. The woman looks up.
"Yes sweetie, how may I help you?"
"Um. I'm new and I was wondering where I could get my schedule."
The woman just stares at her.
"So is this the place?"
"I'm sorry honey, but your eyes....well they're as green as limes. How unusual."
"Yes...how..." Rayia mumbles under breath.
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
"What's your name dear?"
"Rayia Sumerson."
She hacks away at her computer for a minute.
"Ahh. Here you go."
She prints all the form out and hands it to Rayia with maps.
"Just follow these and you'll find all of your classes. And get this sheet she signed by all of your teachers to hand back to me at the end of the day." she states pointing.
"Ok. Thank you."
"You're welcome sugar. Good luck."
Rayia scurries out of the office, grips her backpack tightly and bend her neck down to study the maps.
* * * *

Oblivious to what is going on around her, she doesn't see Remy Hightower, the cutest and most popular guy at P.S. 19 staring at her. Coming out of his trance, Remy looks at the clock on the wall above his head.
"Oh shit! I can't have another day of ISS. Big Mama will kill me."
He sped through the halls, bypassing everyone in his way. He stops in front of room 707, Ms. Cauthen's English 11 class. Throwing the door open, he slids in his seat next to his best friend and partner in crime Tray Bozeman. He gives Tray dap and turns around to holla at his crew. Remy's crew isn't stupid, they just figure since they ain't going anywhere, why bother?
"Yo dude. Whaddup son?"
"Chillin. Breezin. Whaddup?"
"Maaaann! That party was too live Friday night. Whizy was goin ham."
"Haha. Whiz, man you gotta lay off the honeys cause they just gettin you in trouble dude."
" I know. But you know, the ladies love the Whiz."
"Oh we know. We saw you with that fine young shorty Maria." said one guy in the front of the pack.
"Haha. Yes and she was on fire all night long." said James known as Whizy.
Just then, Rayia walks in. She finally found her class. She had taken the stairs instead of going through the breezeway and ended up in the 600 hallway. Ms. Cauthen speaks up.
"Nice of you to join us."
"Yeah, I got lost."
Rayia walks up to her desk.
"Hi, I'm new. The lady at the front desk told me to give this paper."
"Ok. Thank you. Please find a seat."
"Yes ma'am."
Rayia has reached the back and sat in front of Katrina "Kat" Ramirez. She is a latinia girl who rocks to her own Spanish beat. Kat is one of those people who doesn't take any mess from anybody. She'll fight you if she has to. As Kat says "Yo no soy un marica." Kat moves to the seat next to Rayia and starts talking.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"What's your name?"
"Rayia. What's yours?"
"Katrina. But everyone calls me Kat. You're new aren't you?"
"Is it that obvious?"
"Just a little."
"Hey do you know where Chemistry in 906 is?"
"Yeah, my mom teaches that class."
"Gonzales?"
"Yup that's mommy dearest. So did you just move here?"
"Yeah. Like a week ago from Suffolk, Virginia."
"Cool. You need someone to show you around. Luckily i am here and just the person to do it. Stick with me kid."
"Haha. Ok."
And for the rest of the class, Kat and Rayia talked like two long lost friends meeting again for the first time after years.

Alright, so, slow down, and add a ton of emotion and details to captivate and hold your reader. You rush through every scene, so it seems like you are building up to something big, when really you aren't. Slow down and add details and description about your characters, the settings, and such. Add your characters thoughts and emotions, to make them seem 3-D and more alive.

Good start
WickedWonder

Nice scene, but it's a little cliched. Also, you need, need, need to put dialogue tags onto all that dialogue! I got so confused reading it.
And, as wickedwonder said, slow it down. What you've written here could have been expanded into many more pages of material. True, that's too long for a single chapter, but I saw many useless things you could cut to shorten and simplify it.
I know that's confusing, make it longer, but also cut it shorter, right? Well, what you're trying to do is make the bad parts better and get rid of the worst parts completely.
The scene with the receptionist lady was (in my opinion) completely unnecessary. That is, unless she becomes important later on in the story, in which case you should keep it.
Also, the scene with Remy is a little abrupt, maybe you should introduce him later on in the story.
Finally, how is all this fantasy? Maybe you've chosen the wrong genre.
Anyways, PM me if you need further help, or if you want to complain about my harshness.
Jenth

Hi there! I'm Pink and I'll be doing a quick review for you today. ^^

There are few things that I'd like to point out with this piece that I think you can improve on. Firstly, slow down! You're going really fast and there's not description. Take some time to develop a setting and your character's personality because they're an essential part of the story itself.

The next thing you have is pacing. Your writing lacks flow and it's very robotic right now. "She does this and then that. Then she goes here and then there. She picks up this and uses it to do that." See? There's not imagery and that sort of writing so you'll have to work on making your words more colorful so the reader will feel more engaged and picture these small things in their heads as they read. ^_^

Now, you had quite the bit of grammatical and punctuation errors and you should take a bit of time to look over that. You can always to to the tutorial forum we have on YWS to look over such minor things and brush up your writing skills.

Writing tutorials
Grammar and research

Try those links and see if anything might help you out.

Another thing I want to mention is that your wording in some areas is a little weird. Take this for example:

"Sigh. It was just a terrible dream."

Sighing is an action and when you wake up with a sigh you don't say "sigh" you make a noise, an aspirated breath. Something of that sort, you know what I'm talking about. So, this should be: "It was just a terrible dream," I/she/he sighed. See how much better that is? Watch out for things like that.

Lastly, you need to take some time to flesh out your dialogue. Right now, it's too simple and it lacks character and imagery. You'll need to add some dialogue tags to help the reader distinguish which character is speaking at what time, otherwise we'll all be confused.

Overall, you have an idea but it still needs some more foundation and building before it can go any further.
If you have any questions, let me know and I'll be happy to help you out with anything you might have trouble with. ^^

All the best,
-Shear

Thanks for all the reviews, they are really helpful. It gives me al lot to think about. But I do have one question what is a dialogue tag??? Do you mean like a quotation mark? ("") Because I am sort of lost as to what you mean. If you can answer this thanks!

A speech tag is just saying who is speaking, so, I said, He said, that type of thing.

Qoh16 wrote:Chapter 1: Dreamstate Center this and make it a little larger, it'll look better.
Rayia jolts awake, screaming at her empty room. She looks around in panic, searching for something. Anything. Anything I don't think you need this part of the word. remenant of her father. Her father. Her dream. It was just a dream.
"Sigh. This does not need to be in her spoken sentance. It was just a terrible dream."
She looks at her alarm and it spits out 5:00. I like this line.
"Well, I guess I should get up and get ready."
Rayia, got ready for school, and then she went downstairs to wake up her mom. She walked into the room and flipped on the light.
"Mom, it's time to get up."
No answer.
"Mom! Mom!" she yells shaking her mother's bed.
"WHAT?!" her mother answers.
"It is time for your job interview." she said as she walked to her mother's closet, in hope for something decent.
"No it's not."
"Yes it is. Now put this on." Rayia says as she hands her mother a gray pinstriped suit.
Her mom just lies there looking at her daughter. You don't need this word.
"Come on Mom. Please?"
"Ok ok. Here I come."
Her mother gets up and showers, and as she showers Rayia goes into the kitchen to make breakfast. After a few minutes her mom comes out of the bathroom with no make up on; resembling an older sister.
"Ok, Ma I made toast, eggs with cheese, bacon and oj. Sit down and eat."
"Ok, thanks baby."
Rayia sits down with her plate to eat too. They both eat and talk about their move from Virginia to New York. And what they plan to do once they get settled. After an hour of small talk with her mother, Rayia looks at the clock above the stove, and it reads 6:30.
"Ok Mom, I gotta get to school. At 7, drive to P.S. 16 and ask for Nicole Whiteman."
"I'll do that." her mother says as she kisses her on the cheek while balancing the breakfast dishes.
"Bye. I love you Mommy."
"I love you too Ladybug."
Then Rayia Sumerson leaves for school.

* * * * * *

Down the steps she walks int the street and onto the sidewalk. She walks the eight blocks it takes to get to P.S. 19, her new high school. It is cold and the wind whips through her hair. And the jacket she wears does her no justice, the wind still pinching and nipping at her skin. Rayia finally arrives, thinking she might have gotten frostbite. A gust of wind opens the door for her swirling her hair and jacket all around her, almost freezing her to the bone. She looks around and the first thing that comes to her mind is 'refurbished prison,' the walls were splattered with a dull brown and the floor looked like the color of the earth. And the rest was just an ugly gray color. Clutching her backpack, Rayia heads towards what she guesses is the main office. She walks in and walks into a mosh pit type situation. Everyone hustling and bustling to finish the tasks of the "first day of school frenzy." She sort of molds herself into the back wall until the secretary notices her.
"Come here sugar." says tbe secretary.
Behind the desk is a middle-age woman with eyes as blue as the sky and skin as yellow as butterstotch. Her licorice black hair makes her look younger than her actual age of 40. Rayia clear her throat. The woman looks up.
"Yes sweetie, how may I help you?"
"Um. I'm new and I was wondering where I could get my schedule."
The woman just stares at her.
"So is this the place?"
"I'm sorry honey, but your eyes....well they're as green as limes. How unusual."
"Yes...how..." Rayia mumbles under breath.
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
"What's your name dear?"
"Rayia Sumerson."
She hacks away at her computer for a minute.
"Ahh. Here you go."
She prints all the form out and hands it to Rayia with maps.
"Just follow these and you'll find all of your classes. And get this sheet she signed by all of your teachers to hand back to me at the end of the day." she states pointing. Pointing at what?
"Ok. Thank you."
"You're welcome sugar. Good luck."
Rayia scurries out of the office, grips her backpack tightly and bend her neck down to study the maps.

* * * *

Oblivious to what is going on around her, she doesn't see Remy Hightower, the cutest and most popular guy at P.S. 19 staring at her. Coming out of his trance, Remy looks at the clock on the wall above his head.
"Oh shit! I can't have another day of ISS. Big Mama will kill me."
He sped through the halls, bypassing everyone in his way. He stops in front of room 707, Ms. Cauthen's English 11 class. Throwing the door open, he slids in his seat next to his best friend and partner in crime Tray Bozeman. He gives Tray dap What is a dap? and turns around to holla at his crew. Remy's crew isn't stupid, they just figure since they ain't going anywhere, why bother?
"Yo dude. Whaddup son?"
"Chillin. Breezin. Whaddup?"
"Maaaann! That party was too live Friday night. Whizy was goin ham."
"Haha. Whiz, man you gotta lay off the honeys cause they just gettin you in trouble dude."
" I know. But you know, the ladies love the Whiz."
"Oh we know. We saw you with that fine young shorty Maria." said one guy in the front of the pack.
"Haha. Yes and she was on fire all night long." said James known as Whizy.
Just then, Rayia walks in. She finally found her class. She had taken the stairs instead of going through the breezeway and ended up in the 600 hallway. Ms. Cauthen speaks up.
"Nice of you to join us."
"Yeah, I got lost."
Rayia walks up to her desk.
"Hi, I'm new. The lady at the front desk told me to give this paper."
"Ok. Thank you. Please find a seat."
"Yes ma'am."
Rayia has reached the back and sat in front of Katrina "Kat" Ramirez. She is a latinia girl who rocks to her own Spanish beat. Kat is one of those people who doesn't take any mess from anybody. She'll fight you if she has to. As Kat says "Yo no soy un marica." Kat moves to the seat next to Rayia and starts talking.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"What's your name?"
"Rayia. What's yours?"
"Katrina. But everyone calls me Kat. You're new aren't you?"
"Is it that obvious?"
"Just a little."
"Hey do you know where Chemistry in 906 is?"
"Yeah, my mom teaches that class."
"Gonzales?"
"Yup that's mommy dearest. So did you just move here?"
"Yeah. Like a week ago from Suffolk, Virginia."
"Cool. You need someone to show you around. Luckily i am here and just the person to do it. Stick with me kid."
"Haha. Ok."
And for the rest of the class, Kat and Rayia talked like two long lost friends meeting again for the first time after years.

Okay wow. It was a good idea, a good setting but the way it was written didn't impress me. It was sloppy, there was a bunch of misplaced word, words that didn't need to be there and words that didn't fit in. Also, you should star using "he said" "she said" "(NAme) said". It will make it all flow more smoothly. As for the boys slang talk, I think you should change their method of speech because it didn't feel right to me. And I think the secratary should say "dear" instead of "Sugar", most secrataries do. When she says "sugar" it just doesn't sit well. But, overall, good job and keep writing!

Since everyone has already put in their opinions I wish to say I think if you spaced the paragraphs and dialogues it would much easier to read but other than that I have nothing to say other than AMAZING JOB and I sincerely am looking to the next chapter once I finish writing my new story. Also I would like to say you did amazing and hopefully you keep updating so I may read much more of this story and others you've done once I have the time. Good Luck and Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3

yeah it is a little much. Thanks for the review!