The Facility

Hey guys, I expect this story to get ripped apart and criticized till it burns!

The Facility.


Elliot ran faster. Dog barks and shouts can be heard. Rain was pouring all over Elliot’s body. He felt cold and tired but because of fear he continued running. Wet grass and tree roots were constantly slowing him down. ‘Damn forest,’ Elliot mumbled quietly. The darkness of the night also hindered his senses and he had to feel his way around.
The barks and shouts were getting vigorously louder and louder. A slip here and it would cost him his life. He suddenly stopped and hid under the nearby bushes. He crouched low and hoped the stupid dogs would not smell him.
As he lay down of the soft land, he caught a glimpse of a trail of black ants near his elbow.
He admired the black ants’ simple way of life which was without worries or major responsibilities. He snapped back to reality and listened for noises.
Nothing.
‘The idiots must have gone off somewhere already,’ he grumbled softly. He slowly got up and stretched his cramp legs.
‘Over there! That’s the guy!’ a voice screamed from behind. Elliot cursed loudly and took a sharp turn to the right.
Full of adrenaline, he easily jumped over a fallen bark and landed safely. He looked behind and noticed that the guards and the hounds were losing him.
He smiled but continued running. Any mistake now would cost him his life.
After a few minutes of constant running, Elliot slowed down to a halt. The dogs and guards were nowhere in sight. He suddenly felt the after-effects of starvation and pure exhaustion.
7 days without proper food and clean water were taking its toll of Elliot’s frail body. Elliot felt dazed and was having a major headache. His stomach hurts and his legs wobbly. He collapsed on the wet ground and passed out.

Sunlight entered his eyesight. It momentarily blinded him as his eyes got used to the brightness. He slowly opened his eyes and saw a canopy of palm oil trees above him. He moved his head around and saw nothing but weeds and bushes.
No one was around.
‘Good,’ he thought and remembered last night’s events. He tried to sit up but got a burning pain in his thigh muscles instead.
‘Crap, I’m totally out of shape. I’m lucky I could outrun those idiots,’ he grunted. As he massages his muscles, he took in his surroundings and realized he has absolutely no idea where he is.
‘Not now. Not after coming so far and escaping The Facility with my neck still intact,’ he thought grumpily.
‘I have to tell someone outside about The Facility or all my efforts will be a total waste. Can’t give up now Elliot,’ he told himself. Not after weeks of planning and observation that he would now surrender his fate to death.
He slowly gathered his thoughts and wits together but it was hard to do so as his brain was starved of energy and he was scared. His thin body protested every movement he makes. ‘The main road must not be far away,’ he thought deeply.
During his time in The Facility he memorized the entire geography of the place. If his memory is good, his road to freedom would be nearby.
It was early morning and the sun was on his right. So west would be on his left. He slowly and painfully stood up.

As he walks across the forest, he picks a few berries and fruits to munch on. He saw a squirrel eating them so it must be safe. The short snack filled his stomach a little and lifted his spirits although the berries left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. The air was cool and fresh.
‘How long has it been since I have smelled fresh air?’ he pondered. In The Facility he was confined to a small cell with no windows. Elliot remembered the cold nights and quiet darkness he endured there.
The only thing that stopped him from killing himself was the dream of smelling fresh air again and destroying The Facility. He cleared his head of these thoughts and continued walking.
As he was enjoying the serenity of the forest, he heard a car engine rumbling noisily nearby. To his ears, it was the sound of salvation but his sharp mind told him to be careful.
During his years in The Facility, he learned the hard way that you could not trust anyone. Not even your friends.
He crouched behind a small incline of dirt and carefully poked his head out. To his surprise he saw the Georges Highway.
‘What the hell! I never knew the highway was this close,’ he mumbled out with joy. A small red Ford was cruising along. It was the only car on the road.
‘Have to get out now and alert the driver. I’m running out of energy,’ he thought. He climbed out of the incline and slide downwards towards the tar road.

‘Help me! Help me!’ he shouted loudly. The driver who was a 50’s something year old looking man looked at Elliot with shock and amazement as he stops his car. ‘Who are you? Why are you asking for help?’ the man shouted from his window.
Elliot put his hands on the roof of the car and said with exhaustion, ‘Get me to New York and I’ll give a fucking Ferrari for your birthday.’
The man tried saying something but the Elliot was already in the backseat sleeping, oblivious to the world.

Okay,there are some problems in this short narrative. First of all, you keep shifting back and forth between present and past tense. I would suggest past tense, because you are not writing in first person. Also, you generally don't use a subject, which is neccessary in writing a sentence. A sentence is made up of a subject and a verb. You seem to be lacking the former. Please keep these simple grammar rules in mind when you submit your next writing piece.On the upside, I liked the action/suspense feel that you have going on in this writing piece. When Elliot felt suddenly exhausted, I did to. And to make a reader feel what the main character is feeling, is no simple feat. Good job, and keep on writing!

Lindsay

"Keep your feet on the groud and your thoughts at lofty heights." ~me

Thanks for the advice!!

Hey there, here for a review!

Okay, so I like the start; you've got some good action and starting off with a chase is always a good way to get the blood pumping. I don't have much to critique regarding character or plot so far; it's early, and there's a lot to get developed. I will say that Elliott seems to take some undue risks during his escape, but I'll comment more on those further down.

As Aspiring already mentioned, you changed tenses throughout your story, which gets confusing. Also, there were places that seemed to be referring to an event that happened in the past for Elliott; you want to emphasize this by using "had." For example:

During his years in The Facility, he learned the hard way that you could not trust anyone.

Since this is something he learned a long time ago, it should say: "...he had learned the hard way..." Keep an eye out for these, as it just clears up what he's learned, thought, experienced, etc. versus what he's thinking now, at this moment that we see him.

He suddenly stopped and hid under the nearby bushes. He crouched low and hoped the stupid dogs would not smell him.

Um, this seems like a really foolish thing to do. If the dogs are already on his trail, there's little chance they're going to lose it just because he goes and hides in some bushes. Elliott seems too smart to try and hide when he's being hunted by smell.

After a few minutes of constant running, Elliot slowed down to a halt. The dogs and guards were nowhere in sight.

Again, I just find it hard to believe that the dogs lost his trail that easily, and that he doesn't try to make one last-ditch effort in covering his trail before succumbing to the weakness of his body.

7 days without proper food and clean water were taking its toll of Elliot’s frail body.

You're supposed to spell out any number less than ten, so this should be "Seven."

All right, so that's all I have to critique! I look forward to seeing where you take this, and finding out just what this Facility is. Keep up the good work! (:

Hola! I'm not really here to nitpick, but I do have suggestions for you to consider in writing further.

I'm a character/dialogue kind of person, so this may be an issue that just bothers me, but I found that almost all of Elliot's dialgoue sounded forced as I read it, especially since he's talking to himself. It just doesn't sound natural. It also has a tendency to break up the action in a way that disrupts the flow of the narrative. My suggestion for this would either to be to speak the dialogue outloud to find something that sounds less awkward to say to yourself or work it in smoother in his thoughts. On that note, make sure you're deferentiating between thoughts and speech. At least once, you used the same punctuation for each. But containing Elliot's thoughts in 'quotations like this' is just as disruptive as dialogue. You could try exploring other ways to get across the information without directly including thoughts. For example, 'Elliot took a deep breath, overwhelmed by the purity of it' gives you the same information that '"How long as it been since I've smelled fresh air?"'

I would also challenge you to try avoiding telling the reader things, like 'looked at Elliot with shock and amazement'. Instead of telling readers that he wears a look of shock and amazement, give the description of what a look of shock and amazement contains. Raised eyebrows, dropped jaws, et cetera. Granted, this isn't always possible without getting repetitive, but it's a challenge.

If you have any questions, feel free to message me!

Hey there rains Overall, this was pretty good. But I did find many little mistakes in grammar, which became sort of disruptive as I was reading, and took away from the flow of it. Some sentences could use revision, and I think your character diologue was a little bland. It didn't sound so natural to me. Also, I noticed a lot of this going on:

As he massages his muscles, he took in his surroundings and realized he has absolutely no idea where he is.

They way you wrote it was like you were there explaining him doing these things in the very moment. It did not match up with the way you wrote the majority of everything else. It should have gone something more like this:

As he massaged his muscles, he took in his surroundings and realized he had absolutely no idea where he was.

It's a common mistake I notice. But it's important to continue writing your story in one direction the whole way through. That way it doesn't sound so novice and choppy. The flow will be tremendously better if you correct this mistake alone. If you have trouble revising this, I'd be glad to help you. Just send a PM my way. Good luck with this. It was very interesting. I enjoyed reading.

Thanks! I will try to correct the grammar mistakes next time

All right, I'll just jump in. Pardon me if I repeat; I only skimmed the other reviews.

Elliot ran faster. Dog barks and shouts can be heard.

Come on, man. How many times do I need to tell you that you're switching tense? I can't keep reviewing your work if you keep making the same mistakes =\
"Ran" is past tense. "Can" is present tense.

Rain was pouring all over Elliot’s body.

This sounds erotic. Unless you're writing a sexy scene, avoid phrasing things like, "Liquid ran all over his body." Like I've said before, there's more to storytelling than telling the story. Look for appropriateness. Look for word choice.
Look at the difference here:

"Rain poured all over his body." <--erotic
"Rain hammered down from the sky." <--powerful
"Elliot felt lost in the rain." <--emotional
"It was raining." <--bland (but, sometimes bland is useful, because then you don't draw attention unnecessarily)
"Rain showered down from above." <--helpless

Now, look at the words used, and determine why each is the way it is.
Erotic - that passage was erotically charged because of the mention of "all over his body." It pushes an image in your head of all the parts of someone's body.
Powerful - the word "hammer" is very physical, almost violent. It lends tenseness.
Emotional - "felt lost." Need I say more?
Bland - state the fact as plainly as you can, and you get blandness.
Helpless - the idea that the rain is beyond one's control, and as uncaring about the protagonist as an inanimate occurrence can be.

Then, when you know what kind of tone your story has (erotic, powerful, emotional, helpless), you choose the proper wording. Is it an action story? Go for powerful. Is it a story of self-discovery? Emotional. Is it a story of persecution? Go for helpless. Is it a romance novel from the 50 cent bin? Erotic.

Long story short? You used the wrong tone here.

He suddenly stopped

The word "suddenly" is often abused. Here, this is abuse.

As he lay down of the soft land

This is a common thread in your works. "lay down of the soft land." Please proofread your work so that you're not basically asking others to do it for you.

he caught a glimpse of a trail of black ants near his elbow.
He admired the black ants’ simple way of life which was without worries or major responsibilities. He snapped back to reality and listened for noises.

The lull in action here is weird and forced. Unrealistic.

‘The idiots must have gone off somewhere already,’ he grumbled softly. He slowly got up and stretched his cramp legs.
‘Over there! That’s the guy!’ a voice screamed from behind. Elliot cursed loudly and took a sharp turn to the right.

Another weird, forced event. Really, when one's life is in danger, who does that so carelessly?

Full of adrenaline, he easily jumped over a fallen bark and landed safely.

"Full of adrenaline" is useless.
"Jumped over a fallen bark"? What does that mean?

a voice screamed from behind. Elliot cursed loudly and took a sharp turn to the right.
Full of adrenaline, he easily jumped over a fallen bark and landed safely. He looked behind and noticed that the guards and the hounds were losing him.

In the space of one sentence, he lost the guards. That was pretty...anticlimactic.

Any mistake now would cost him his life.

Seem familiar? It should.

A slip here and it would cost him his life.

he took in his surroundings and realized he has absolutely no idea where he is.

Really. I want you to open a book. Read it. Take note of whether it uses past tense or present tense. Look at the words they use that convey this. Then use them in your own writing. I'm flattered that you ask for my critique, but I won't review your next work if you keep changing tense, because it means that my words are falling on deaf ears and I'm wasting my time. I can't put it any other way.

‘I have to tell someone outside about The Facility or all my efforts will be a total waste. Can’t give up now Elliot,’ he told himself.

Dialogue with oneself is a sloppy way to provide exposition.

‘The main road must not be far away,’ he thought deeply.

In writing, the author makes choices. What words to use, what words not to use, what to include, etc etc. What choice were you making when you decided "he thought deeply" was appropriate? Why "deeply"?

And then the story's over. We know nothing about anything. What is THE FACILITY? Why was Elliot there? How did he escape?

You've gotten all wrapped up in the action of the story that you've forgotten to attend to anything else. Plot, characterization, dialog, word choice, basic grammar. I suggest you back it up, write something a little calmer. Something that allows you to focus on the gears and cogs and bits and pieces and words and punctuation. Get the basics right, before you work on anything grander.

Y'know? It's like a surfing lesson. They'll spend hours teaching you to "pop up" (that is, get on your feet), before they let you loose in the ocean. Because before you have that most basic, essential act where you can stand on your own two feet, setting you loose in the ocean is just reckless and you're going to flail and drown under everything else.

Get back to the basics. Tense, word choice, a story, a character, grammar. Take some time to sit on the beach and take care of all those basic things before you go wild in the ocean on your own.