Broken Spirits

Prologue: Oblivion
Darkness. That is all she sees when she looks around. Black lines of nothing sucking her in. Crushing her skull, making pound. She tries to scream and no sound comes out. It feels like she is underwater. Only the bubbles of her silent screams are visible at the surface. Two tree-like arms hold her down, the arms of her father. He is swearing and cussing at her. Calling her a bitch and a whore. She thinks this is the time. Her time to die. He is going to kill her and she will finally be free. And as she sits there she welcomes death. she sees him just a finger's reach beyond her, ready to claim her. She starts to see stars, and spots of black in her vision. Then her vision goes black and she's.... "BEEP! BEEP!BEEP!"

Hey there! I'm Hawk and I'm here to review!

Okay, so this was pretty short; generally for a prologue that's as short as this, you can just post it at the same time as your first chapter. Then, not only does the reader get to continue on with the story, but you also save yourself some points by posting just one topic instead of two.

This was a good start, though with the ending I'm guessing it's a dream. Your descriptions were good and creepy, but there's really just not enough substance to really get the reader hooked in. I mean, it's good, but too short. I don't have enough time to really get a good idea of everything before the piece ends.

Also, with the names he was calling her, I'd suggest rating this 12 for the language; better to be on the safe side.

Well, that's really all I've got to say. Please PM me if you have any questions, and let me know when you post more! I'd like to keep reading and see where this goes! Cheers. (:

Thanks. I just didn't feel like posting the other chapters. But i will. And thanks for the feedback : )

Pretty interesting, I think I'll continue reading if you continue you writing. It's a bit short but since it's a prologue it's not that big of a deal. Can't wait to read the rest <3

I really enjoyed the way you wrote this. I think it could have been longer too but it's interesting to me. I will continue to read more when time allows. Keep it up! You're a good writer

Qoh16 wrote:Prologue: Oblivion
Darkness. That is all she sees when she looks around. Black lines of nothing that are sucking her in. Crushing her skull, making pound What does this mean?. She tries to scream but no sound comes out. It feels like she is underwater. Only the bubbles of her silent screams are visible at the surface. Two tree-like arms hold her down, they're arms of her father. He's swearing and cussing at her. Calling her a bitch and a whore. She thinks this is the time. Her time to die. He is going to kill her and then she will finally be free. And as she sits there she welcomes death. She sees him just a finger's reach beyond her, ready to claim her. She starts to see stars, and spots of black in her vision. Then her vision goes black and she's.... "BEEP! BEEP!BEEP!"

This was a good start. Ther was some sentance structure that needs to be wroked on, it's a little short and like what RH said it needs to be rated 12 because of the minor offensive lanuage. (If you already changed the rating I apologize) The shortness is ok, because it's a prolouge but maybe you would like to add a little bit more. As in, What's your charater's name, What does she look like? Why is she dreaming (she is dreaming right?) about her father murdering her? A little more description, and this piece will be great.

I REALLY liked it. Kind of vague but it immediately hooked me in. Honestly, at first, I thought this was a dream. I thought the girl was going to be killed and then she would be a ghost. WHAT HAPPENS TO HER IN THE END?! You didn't clarify WHAT exactly happens. The BEEP, BEEP, BEEP noise could be a car honking, anything. CLARIFY. It was kiind of short, but it's a very good start. I didn't feel any connection to the girl that was being beaten and verbally abused, so give more information on the girl and WHO she is exacttly and WHY her father is beating her !

Good start though =] Do you feel like crap because I trashed your book? Good, now go trash my work to get back at me. (:

-Sarah

Haha. I will. And to find out the noise and what happens to her you have to read the rest of the book

I hope you update please I love it ^^ made me really want to go on so I hope you have more for me to reads Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!!!!!!
Soulkana<3

This is REALLY good- great language and such and it really intrigues me.
Are the BEEPs at the end an alarm clock- is this a dream? Great stuff.
Just a few little nitpicks
"Crushing her skull, making pound." should really be "making IT pound."
"He is swearing and cussing at her." should be just "swearing at her" or "cussing at her", as the words mean the same thing- it's like saying something is "huge and massive". Maybe "shouting and swrearing at her"?
"she sees him just a finger's reach beyond her," yeah- there's no capital.
But, annoying nitpicks aside, this is entertaining and chilling!

I like it. Sometimes short and sweet can get you somewhere. From where I'm standing, you were giving the empression that your character was having a nightmare. I suggest you lengthen the prologe a tad bit and try giving it a little bit of spice. Whatever the spice is, that's your recipe to follow.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Fang