Alice's World

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5’8 and radiant, Alice sauntered down the side walk allowing society admire her beauty. She had a slender, flawless body, anyone would be envious of. Finally. It was only a year ago she had been hundred and thirty pounds. Since then she had developed, what seemed like a perfect diet, to her. She abandoned eating. She was sharp now, if you weren’t careful you could cut your self on her. No one would ever call her fat again, and she recognized it.
Her brown hair lay on her shoulders. It was an elegant auburn color. Not equivalent to the hideous red hair she used to posses. People would identify her a ginger. They would make fun of her hair that mirrored tomato paste, ceaseless said she had no soul. Now, with auburn hair no one would ever stair at her to long, or begin mumbling to their friends as she wandered by. Those things that used to make her bawl her eyes out at night had ceased, yet that did not mean she had ceased crying.
Baby blue eyes shined from beneath her eye lashes that were coated in layers of mascara. A ton of cover up, masked the freckles that her mom once admired. Her mom would say they were adorable, everyone else said they were childlike. Like every other blemish she got disposed of them.
Last October, Alice transferred to Douglass High School. It was supposed to be a new start for her, and it was. She effortlessly ascended to the top of the food chain. Everyone idolized the graceful, flawless girl. Everyone, but her self. In her eyes she would never be good enough for anything.
The bells on the art shop’s door rang as Alice closed the door. She gave a short nod to the petite, Chinese woman behind the counter. Alice had discovered this quaint shop about a year ago. It was a small shop at the end of a strip mall, only a block away from her current school. She would come here every Friday with a cup of hot chocolate, from the cafe down the street , and would glance through the endless rows of art supplies. It Alice’s corner of world.
Alice took a quick sip of her low fat hot chocolate, and pranced to the back of the old store. She was a woman on a mission. Relieved to find the sales were still going on, she picked up a pack of 50% off razors, steered toward the check out, but suddenly dropped them when she saw him through the antique windows of the shop. Aaron.
Aaron Ray Johnson was Alice’s crush from middle school. She was crazy about him. He was the only boy in her middle school that ever said anything to her. Aaron was sweet, kind, and never said a bad word about her, or so she thought. Everyday of middle school Alice would come into school carrying her Paramore backpack. And everyday Aaron would nod, and smile at her. She never got the nerve to go talk to him, believing she was ugly, gross, and bad to be seen around.
The “pretty” girls would make fun of her crush on Aaron, but how could she help it? He was tall, brilliant and attractive. They would sing elementary song, like “ Aaron and Alice sitting in a tree...”. Alice knew how immature and ugly they really were, but it was like no one else could see the truth of “pretty” girls.
Aaron pulled opened the door the shop. She panicked, grabbed her razors, and hid behind a shelf. He walked passed her. She could smell his cologne wafting her way. Alice turned around heaving a sigh of relief, thinking he had not seen her. Someone tapped on her shoulder.
Her hands began to sweat as she turned around, and stood face to face with Aaron.

“Hey, do I know you?” His voice was like honey to her ears.
Be smooth. She thought to her self, and smiled at him. “ I don’t think so.”
“Oh,” He looked disappointed. “ Sorry.”
“ Don’t be, my name is Alice.” She held out her hand for him to shake.
A grin emerged on his face, and he gripped her hand, “ I'm Aaron.”
“So, what did you come to the store for?”

Late that night, after Alice and Aaron had a wonderful day together, she lay on her bed scribbling down notes in her diary. She sighed and smiled, thoughts of Aaron on mind. Drawing hearts down the side of the page Alice began formulating a plan on how to get Aaron.
“Alice! Get down here!” The voice of her mother, Ginger, screeched, Alice’s mom was a drunk. She never paid much attention to Alice. She drank, convincing her self it was the one, and then had another. She often got violent when she was drunk.
Alice called her the witch. She would cast her spell, and everyone around her would believe she was clean and sweet. She did love Alice. There was not a dought there. She has supported Alice through all of her changes, and paid for them. That was when Alice’s father was still around, but he had up and left them.
“ Alice!”
“Coming!” She jumped off her bed, and ran down stairs. “ Yeah, mom?”
“ Honey, I have some good news to tell you.” Ginger looked horrible. Her red hair was ratty and dirty. She stared at Alice with blood shot eyes, tears spilling out off them. “ Your aunt is here to take you home with her. I’m...”
“ What? Why?!” Alice cut off her mom, watching a figure emerged from her moms shadow. It was no one other then Aunt Helena, with a scowl on her face.
“I’m taking your mom to rehab in North Carolina. Your not old enough to be left on your own. You’ll be living with me until your mom gets through rehab.”
“Oh,” Alice was screaming her head. Anger drenched her, and ran off her finger tips as she clench her hands. “So now your going to rehab? What changed your mind? Was it you hitting me every night, or your new boy toy? Tell me mom, where were you when I needed you?”
“Alice, sweety I’m sorry.” Ginger mumbled.
“No... your not, but you will be.”
Helena stepped between Alice and her mom. “ Alice, go to your room and pack a bag. Get one for your mom too.”
“ I can’t go! It will only drag me further away from Aaron when we were just getting close!” Tears welt up in her eyes.
“ You need time away from Aaron. You have been basically stalking that stupid boy for three years! Changing everything about yourself. Your not my little girl any more, your disgusting!” Alice’s mom spat at her.
Alice grabbed her coat, and ran for the door. Helena’s screeching fallowed her, “ Alice you know that’s the alcohol talking!” Helena’s hand was suddenly around Alice’s wrist pulling her back inside.



Best friends were hard to come by for Alice, but boyfriends were impossible.Since she had met Aaron in sixth grade, he was all she thought about. Other boys didn't interest her.They were getting along better then Alice could have ever dreamed of. She was pretty sure if she kept it up Aaron would soon be her boyfriend.
"Hey, Aaron!" Alice smiled sweetly.
"Hi! " He slowed his walk so she could catch up.
They were both on their way to their favorite cafe. The sun was Beating down on them, making it an unusually warm January day. Step in sync, Alice's hand swung close to Aaron's, brushing against it every few seconds. Every touch with Aaron was like fireworks going off in her head.
" Did you have a good day at school?" Alice asked.
"It would of been better if you were there," he grinned and slyly slipped his hands in hers, squeezing it. Alice turned a deep shade of red. They pushed open the door.
Alice sat next to Aaron in the cafe she often visited. They were discussing Aaron’s past relationships. She already knew everything he was saying, but pretend to be ignorant any way.
“So, every girlfriend I have ever had since 6th grade has acted really weird and then dumped me.”
“That is strange. I would never do that.” Alice smiled at him, her eyes glistening with lies. “ They all sound stupid, and Loran she was super weird. I mean the girl ate her hair!”
Aaron gave her a suspicious look and asked, “ You knew Loran?”
“Of course, I met all of your girlfriends. They were so disgusting and plastic.” Alice grinned.
“How do you know them?”
“ Well, I used to go to your school, and those girls were just creepy. Once I told them you were way to good for them they seemed to let off. Other then that Gretchen, it took a few times to make her leave.” Alice rolled her eyes and took a sip of her coffee.
“ I have to go...” Aaron stuttered and got up from the table.
“ Is something wrong, Aaron?”
“ You had no right to control my life like that! I thought I knew you from some where. Your the girl who sat by her self and bit her nails all day, like a freak.”
“I was protecting you! Those girls would eat you alive with out me!”
“ No wonder you were always watching me. Your insane!” Aaron picked up his backpack and ran out the double doors of the cafe. Alice never missed a beat she ran out the doors screaming, “Aaron I was protecting you!” He didn’t turn back though.
One minute she had a grip on him so tight she almost suffocating him, and the next he was gone.

A month later Alice was relinquished from a Psychiatry Center, after being diagnosed with extreme Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. She had based her obsessions on Aaron. Doctors explained the reason they didn't see it, was because Alice never had the regular symptoms of OCD patients.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder, a type of anxiety disorder, is a potentially disabling illness that traps people in endless cycles of repetitive thoughts and behaviors. People with OCD are plagued by recurring and distressing thoughts, fears, or obsessions that they cannot control.
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.




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Hai!

I’m sorry, I know this sounds mean, but I didn’t really like this. I didn’t like your main character. She was too Mary Sue-ish. And what was the point of the story? Pretty girl is obviously pretty but she’s so insecure about herself, she thinks she’s ugly. Her mother’s abusive. Her relationship with the cute guy doesn’t even get off the ground. What am I meant to take away from this story? What are you trying to say?

Starting off with a description of just how darn hot your M/C isn’t an encouragement for me to read on. I dislike a narrator forcing me to see just how pretty a character is. It annoys me supremely. It’s also Sue-ish.

Run Alice through the Mary Sue Litmus Test and see how she scores. Here's a few links that I hope will be helpful: Test 1, Test 2, Test 3

Some technical issues:
It Alice’s corner of world.

Missed out word?

Be smooth. She thought to her self, and smiled at him. “ I don’t think so.”
“Oh,” He looked disappointed. “ Sorry.”

Her self = herself. The highlighted period should be a comma, and you should have a small letter on the dialogue tag "she thought". The highlighted comma should be a period. :)
Also, you don’t need a space between your quote marks and the beginning of the dialogue. It should show up on Word.


Again, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. It's not meant to be an attack on you your work, and this is genuinely meant to help. Do PM me if you have any questions!

-twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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Hey! Thought I would review your piece today.

I liked your intro, though it was a bit heavy on the description, I think it was a good way for us to get to know your character. You showed us that she was self-conscious instead of just telling us, which is good.

In terms of improvement, I have a few suggestions.

I noticed a number of typos/missing words in this piece, but I am sure a thorough read through will solve the issue quickly.

The addition of a few quality transitions will also add a lot to this piece I think. As it stands right now, the flow between your different scenes is a little choppy. Adding a few sentences in between these scenes would make your piece much smoother. I would particularly focus on the transition between your introduction/description of your character, and the scene in the store. Try and connect the two scenes. I would do the same between the scene with the mother and the scene in the coffee shop with Aaron. Right now, I am not sure how the two relate. Did they happen on the same day? Two weeks later? How did Alice get away from her aunt?

The other thing that confused was Alice"s mom. As a character, she seems a little inconsistent. First, she's an excellent liar who will make anyone believe she's great, but then she really does care, shes calls Alice sweety, and then the next moment she calls her disgusting. It just does not seem all that believable. Maybe you could rework this scene a little. Flesh it out a bit. Everything about Alice's mom comes at you a little fast, maybe you could slow down the information some. Spend more time with the scene.

One final thing I would consider would be the final scene in the coffee shop. You have a "talking heads" issue here. Which essentially means your characters are talking, without doing much else. Add a little description of body movements, facial expressions, the energy/mood in the coffee shop, etc. I think it will add a lot to your piece.

Overall, I think this is decent piece, and with a few improvements you could make it better. Keep writing, and if you have any questions or concerns, feel free to PM me! :D

Audrey
"I've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar
I've never made a bet, but we gamble in desire
I've never lit a match with intent to start a fire,
But recently the flames are getting out of control"




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Alright, so, you have a good beginning. Now you need to take every even farther and add emotions, thoughts of your characters. Now, they just seem like stiff dolls that aren't really believable. Go through each scene and add major emotion, things that will make people want to read more


Okay, my major problem was this

A month later Alice was relinquished from a Psychiatry Center, after being diagnosed with extreme Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. She had based her obsessions on Aaron. Doctors explained the reason they didn't see it, was because Alice never had the regular symptoms of OCD patients.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder, a type of anxiety disorder, is a potentially disabling illness that traps people in endless cycles of repetitive thoughts and behaviors. People with OCD are plagued by recurring and distressing thoughts, fears, or obsessions that they cannot control.


What? Sorry, OCD? If you're going to have your MC have some type of disorder, you should clearly show the symptoms throughout the piece, not just throw it in at the end. Throwing it in at the end almost glorifies your MC and confuses the reader, and the reader will often not believe the story, and whats going on.

Overall-
Just add more emotions and details to make it more believable
WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*



History repeats itself. First as tragedy, second as farce.
— Karl Marx