How Paul became yellow

Spoiler

I know I'm a little late in this, being that everyone else posted their's about a month ago, but my darned Microsoft wasn't cooperating. So I had a day off of school and decided to get my but in gear. This is for Skin's contest-
topic76453.html
There are a few references to former Paul avvie's here to. Anyway hope you enjoy it in all it's cheeziness!

Once there was a world where the creatures were all gray. The world around them shone with vibrant colors- the sky a beautiful blue, the grass green, and the sun a vivacious yellow. The creatures on this planet were call Greyes- they were too boring to think of a better name. In fact, everything about the Greyes was extremely boring and bland. Only one thing brightened the day of these creatures- Dental Care. The Greyes praised dental care to the highest extreme. Not having a white smile was like not owning a toliet. Onto this planet an avatar was born- Paul.

So THIS is what a Gypsy Rocketfair looks like, Paul thought, staring at the wide display. On Paul's planet there were only two holidays- Dental Care Day and the Gypsy Rocketfair. Every year, Earth gypsies sent a select few to Paul's planet to set up rides and booths and to generally make a huge profit off of the Greyes pure boredom. Paul's mouth fell open as he noticed the hundreds of multi-colored flags and the rocketship taller than his Aunt Pigtunia's big toe. "Shut your mouth young whippersnapper before ya' catch a fly in there!" An old Grey huffed as she passes by Paul. Paul snapped him mouth shut and shoved his most prized posession, his toothbrush, into it. Like that will ever happen, Paul thought to himself. Either way, Paul had an incredibly important mission. One that would turn his whole planet upside down. He was going to get a hot dog.

"That was easy," Paul muttered to himself, a fresh hot dog lodged in between his shining white teeth. Turns out hot dogs weren't as much a delicacy as they were a mystery. By this time, the fair had begun to get crowded, gray bodies pressed against each other. That's when he saw it. A small purple tent, wrinkled with shaggy rips all over it. A wooden sign was staked out in front and Paul had to squint to make out the words. "The great Skinsinee?" Paul whispered," I wonder..." Paul had always wanted his fortune told. It was on his list of "One hundred things to do before the world get's destroyed by a giant unicorn." He'd heard the humans had similar lists but called them "Bucket List's" Paul privately thought that it was the stupidest thing ever. Did they plan to die in a bucket? Suddenly, Paul had an over whelming urge to go over to the tent, and to finally -finally- get his fortune told. To find out if he really would die by a giant unicorn attack. It couldn't hurt- or could it? *Dramatic music.* Paul looked around, suprised. "What was that?" The dramatic music faded and Paul shrugged, skipping towards the raggedy tent.

Paul burst into Skinsinee's tent, looking for dramatic flares of fire. He felt something scan him and thought he heard the words. "Avatar saved." He was loosing his mind. A figure in a purple starred cloak looked up and chuckled quietley.

"Paul," an eerily young feminine voice said."I've been waiting for you."

"Y-you have?"

"No, not really. Sure made me sound mysterious though, didn't it? I even guessed your name right!"

"Oh. Er-yeah," Paul replied, not really sure what to say.

In the silence that followed, Paul took the oppurtunity to study Skinsinee. Her face was completely hidden by the purple cloak, which reflected the dim lights of the tent. In front of her was a small black table and on it was what Paul pressumed to be a flat, rectangular mystical orb with a glowing middle. Paul had heard that circular orbs were getting more expensive anyway.

"What brings you here?" Skinsinee asked.

Paul paused. His question about death seemed suddenly stupid.

"I'm not sure," Paul lied.

"Put your hand on the laptop."

Paul tilted his head. "The what?"

"The-er-mystical rectangle."

"Oh."

Paul moved his gray hand onto the mystical rectangle. The 'laptop.' What an odd name for an odd concept. Skinsinee pulled opened the laptop, easily, as though it had two parts.

"I will now consult the writing fates."

Hands dart out from the cloak and fly across the bottom of the mystical rectangle, making little clicking noises as they went. Every so often, a small pinging noise would come from the 'laptop.' Long minutes passed before Skinsinee looked back up at Paul.

"The fates have spoken. They have figured out your deepest wish." She lowered her voice ominously," Your deepest wish is to be yellow."

"It... is?"

Paul was shocked. He actually didn't mind being gray. Yellow was such a bright color for someone with Paul's... confidence issue's.

Skinsinee nodded. "Of course. You'd be bright and unique, the only one of your kind with color. You'd be idolized and hated. Famous, even."

Paul gasped. "F-F-Famous?"

Paul had always wanted to be famous. (No.13 on his List of one hundred things to do before the world get's destroyed by a giant unicorn.) Own a six story mansion with a hot tub the size of a lake. Big star shaped sun glasses and rhinestone outfits. Buffet's with a never ending supply of food. That would be living the dream, all right. Skinsinee held up a small jar full of a sticky looking substance.

"I can give you color for but a minor price."

Her gaze seemed to catch on the green toothbrush in Paul's mouth. A shiver passed through him.

"What?" He asked, although he already knew the answer.

"Your toothbrush."

"NO!" Paul sank to his knees and looked up at Skinsinee with big puppy dog eyes. "Anything but that. Anything."

"No. I need that toothbrush."

"Nothing else?"

Skinsinee paused." No."

"Then what will I use to brush my teeth?"

Horror swept through Paul. Being without a toothbrush was the worst fate ever imagined. It would mean rotting teeth with mould and bugs and holes and disgusting-

"Your tongue?" Skinsinee interupts his thoughts.

"My tongue? Never!"

"Do you want to be yellow or not?"

"Fine." Paul huffed, pushing himself to his feet.

He held out his hand to recieve the jar, but kept his toothbrush firmly at his side.

"Please give me the toothbrush."

"No!" Paul screeched.

"Fine then. No yellow for you."

Paul looked down at the floor, rubbing his toothbrush mournigly.

"What do want him for?"

Skinsinee shrugged. "The writing fates are already falling under your charms. I need something to give to the most rabid of them."

"Oh," Paul said. He wasn't really sure what she was talking about, but it sounded good." So it's for a good cause?"

"The best. Plus, you can always get a new toothbrush."

Paul sighed, resigned. "Sure. Take good care of him though!"

Paul tossed the toothbrush to Skinsinee, trying not to cry. This yellow would bring him everything he'd ever wanted.Skinsinee tossed him the yellow bottle.

"I will. Take your yellow, you deserve it."

The bottle was cold in Paul's hands. It glittered like Skinsinee's cloak, hypnotizing him.

"Careful," Skinsinee warned," This is permanet, not some silly paint."

Paul didn't hear her warning, however, as he could already see all the amzing things this bottle would bring him. He would travel the universe! Meet the Queen of England! He'd save his planet by buying the giant unicorn! He'd become president. All because he'd have color. Skinsinee cleared her throat.

"That'll be sixty space bucks."

Paul reached into his satchel and grabbed sixty space bucks from his wallet. He handed them to Skinsinee and left as quickly as he had come.

"Have a nice day!" Skinsinee called after him.

The bright light hit Paul as soon as he left the tent. Paul grasped the jar's lid, unscrewing it quickly and nimbly. He dipped his finger in it greedily. He raised it slowly, because the mixture was extremely sticky. When he did finally pull it out, his whole hand was yellow. Tentatively, he touched his yellow hand with his gray one. Dry. Paul eagerly shoved his other hand into the jar. He tried pulling his hand out, but it wouldn't budge. Paul pulled harder. Nothing. He used all of his strength and finally pulled the jar off his hand, flinging it over his head. It landed on one of the game booths, inching slowly over the whole booth. From there it spread like yellow wildfire, turning the whole fair yellow. Once it reached the ground, it crept up the legs of the Greyes', who watched their gray bodies turn vibrant yellow. Paul looked down at himself, only to see a yellow figure. Him. All Paul could think was, Oops.

In the end, things worked out for Paul.The Greyes liked their new color so much, they renamed themselves the Skinso's, after the gypsy who made it all possible. Paul became a world renowned secret agent and actually did meet the Queen of England. However rumors have been floating around that Skinsinee and Paul have made contact yet again...
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Eh.

Hey Crafty! I'm gonnna go ahead and call you that, okay?

So, I was thinking about entering this contest, but I haven't been able to think up anything to write about. You, on the other hand, have come up with a really great story. I like the way that you've involved Skins in it too - I can actually imagine her as the gypsy

I did notice a few nit-piks, but the thing that really stuck out to me was your tenses. You switch between past and present throughout the piece and I found that it really distracted me away from the story. You need to choose either past or present and stick to it throughout the whole piece. As most of it is in past tense, my corrections will be changing the present tense to past.

they were to boring

'to' should be 'too'

Only one thing brightened the day of these creatures- Dental Care.

This made me lol

two holiday's-

'holidays'

the gypsy rocketfair

You had it written as 'Gypsy Rocketfair' before, so it needs to be the same to keep it consistant.

An old Grey huffs as she passes by Paul.

For it to be past tense, it needs to be -

'An old Grey huffed as she passed by Paul.'

Paul snaps

'snapped'

shoves his

'shoved'

his post prized posession,

I think the expression is 'most' not 'post'

weren't as much as

You don't need the second 'as'

had began to get

Change 'began' to 'begun'

gray body pressed

'bodies'

A small purple tent, wrinkled with shaggy rips all over it. A small wooden sign was staked out in front

You use 'small' twice here. Maybe replace one with a different word such as 'tiny' or 'little'

It was on his list of one hundred things to do before the world get's destroyed by a giant unicorn.

I think the list should be in quotes -

'It was on his list of "one hundred things to do before the world get's destroyed by a giant unicorn".'

had similar list but

'lists'

but called them "Bucket

You need 'a' after 'them'

Paul privatley thought

'privately'

-FINALLY-

Instead of having this in all caps, I think it would look better in italics.

Paul looks around

'looked'

music fades and Paul shrugs

'faded' and 'shrugged'

Paul burst into Skinsinee's tent, looking for dramatic bursts

You use 'burst' twice here and it's a little repetitive. Try replacing one of them with a different word.

purple stared cloak

'starred'

Er-yeah." Paul

The full stop should be a comma.

completely hiden

'hidden'

Paul tilts

'tilt'

Hands fly out from the cloak and fly across

Try switching the second 'fly' for 'dart'

Skinsinee nodds

'nodded'

outfit's. Buffet's

You don't need the apostrophes.

He asks

'asked'

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

'No!' would have the same effect, yet not disrupt the reader.

his knee's

'knees'

mold and bugs and holed

It should be 'mould' and 'holes'

toungue?"

"My toungue?

'tongue'

tosses the toothbrush

'tossed'

light hit Skinsinee as soon as

'Skinsinee' should be 'Paul'

grasps

'grasped'

He rised it

'raised'

and finally pulled the jar off his hand flinging it over his head

Comma after 'hand'

actually DID meet

'DID' would look better as 'did'

****

Overall, I think you have a great story here. Once you've sorted the problem with the tenses out, the piece will flow better too. I think you've done really well with the prompt you were given. I enjoyed reading this

I hope this review helps and good luck in the contest!

xDudettex

Thanks Dudette! I appreciate your help! I actually never used to have tense problems until my teacher taught a lesson on them. Ironic right? Anyway, all fixed.

Tiger here to review for the contest!

First of all, the story concept was great. The idea of the alien race of Greyes and their monotonous life is quite interesting (well, for us, not them ). It was also nice how you referred to Skins' previous Paul avvies, and your portrayal of Skins herself hit the nail on the head (a fortune-telling gypsy. If anything, the only thing lacking was ginger hair). So really, kudos to the original story you've come up with.

My only nitpicks are the name of Paul's race. Because you refer to them as the Greyes, but in the story you use the American English spelling of gray when referring to the colour. To take away the contrast, it would be easier for you to call the race the Grayes or simply the Grays. The second is an even smaller nitpick (seeing as Dudette's gone after most of the grammar and tense mistakes):

the Skinso's

It should be Skinsos, without the comma. Yes, I'm scavenging for nitpicks now.

Anyway, this was a lovely piece. Skins and I are still getting to other entries, so the results will be posted soon (well not soon-soon, but not soon-later, either. Just...soon. ). Great job, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger

Yo! Yo! Yoooo!

This review will only be a brief one because, well, I've got a lot of these to get to. Also, I don't want to make it obvious how much I like or dislike this piece compared to others, so the more brief I am, the less likely that is to happen. Don't worry though, I will still try to make this critique helpful!

Like Tiger said, I think the concept of this was awesome. It's really quirky and original, and the more of these stories I read, the more I realise how hard this contest is going to be to judge. It's going to be seriously close! What I liked the most into this, I think, were the characters. I think you captured me perfectly, if I may say so myself, as well as Paul's personality. The whole grey people thing amused me too because the first short story I ever wrote was actually about a world where everyone was grey. The piece was funny, and I love how you made me a gypsy.

The critique I have for you is mostly about the beginning really. At the beginning, this piece felt a little bit telly, not showy. I think I am being a bit fussy here, admittedly, but hey, that's me for you. Take this quote, for example:

... they were too boring to think of a better name. In fact, everything about the Greyes was extremely boring and bland.

I don't' want to get told that they're boring and bland, I want to see it! In the fairground scenes, you could easily show us this instead of telling us it at the beginning. For example, before visiting the gypsy, Paul could have maybe sat down with some of his friends. You could have then made them be discussing the most boring thing in existence, then gone on to describe more people/alien creature things in ways that showed how boring they were. Does that make any sense?

Overall though, a wonderful job! ^^

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins