First off, the typos:
The meadow we were in was a small place on the top of a very large hill overlooking the entire town.This is a mouthful. Try to find some way to shorten it. Perhaps something like: "We sat in a meadow placed on top of a large hill that overlooked the entire town." I know that was a poor example, but it's much easier to read when it's shorter. Although, making the sentence shorter doesn't mean you have to make it boring (like I just did). :]
“Maybe,” I laughed and sat down on the grass next to her. The meadow we were in was a small place on the top of a very large hill overlooking the entire town. From up here you could see everything; our house, Mr. Barns' coffee shop and the small elementary school. Everything looked so small and insignificant from up here. It put the whole world in perspective.You use small three times here. Consider removing a few or changing them to different words.
My yellow flip flops had slipped off of my feet, leaving them bare and pale against the warm sun.This would sound better if you switched bare and pale around so that it said: "leaving them pale and bare against the warm sun." Otherwise, it'd sound like you were saying that the MC's feet were pale in contrast to the sun.
I could tell she was smiling even though her tone was a bored one.Is your MC saying that she can't see her sister smiling? This doesn't make much sense to me. Perhaps saying, "I could tell she was smiling without looking even though her tone was a bored one," would be better.
The green summer grass flowed and rippled in the warm breeze like lush green waves.Okay, so you keep bringing up the green summer grass as if it's a major part of your story. I mean, you have lovely descriptions and all, but I'd like to hear about something else. "The small brown finch perched on a tree branch nearby, ready to take flight at any moment." Or "the breeze flowing through the trees, whispering only words I can understand," for examples. :]
“No, I'm just stubborn,” I winked.I see what you meant to do here, but you accidentally made it look like a tag to your last dialogue. It'd fit if you said: "I said, winking at her." Otherwise, it just sounds odd.
We have go to to Grandma's today, remember?”I always do this lol. :)
Kailee shouted and our mother appeared from behind a counter.I'm not sure what you meant to type here. Maybe, "from behind a corner," or "from behind our counter." Simply saying " a counter" sounds odd, since it is their house (correct?).
“Your father is getting the car ready so we should head out. Do you have everything you need for the weekend?”I'm a bit confused by this. If they're staying at their grandparents' house for the weekend, then you need to either include their mom saying that their father already loaded the car or mention something about them loading their suitcases/bags into the car. The way it is right now sounds as if they're leaving their stuff behind since their mom had to ask if they have everything. Maybe it's just me that feels this way.
We nodded and grabbed our light jackets before following her out to the car. Dad was already waiting patiently in the drivers seat when we opened the doors and got in.
“'Bout time,” he sighed as we all buckled our seat belts and he started the car.
My mother's shrill scream brought me back to reality
Through the my dizziness,
smell the thick sent of iron and salt.Should be "scent".
Finally, I could be surrounded by the blackness of sleep.
Now, my overall review:
Alright, so I really like where you're going with this story. You have a nice set up here with a lovable MC and what seems to be a great plot! You described the car crash very well and made me feel apart of it; like I was sitting right where the MC sat and experienced everything she experienced. You also had a great amount of details which balanced out well with the amount of dialogue you put in. All in all, a lovely first chapter. The only thing I really want to point out was the lack of information we got on the characters. I can see where you tried to get us to care about the mom and the dad by saying that they are lovely and nice people, but we didn't really see them being nice and lovable.
This is because, it feels like you rushed it a bit. If you just added in a scene of the whole family joking around in the car to lighten the mood that the dreary weather brought on (which is what you tell us), then you'll earn some love for your characters which will also bring on more sympathy when most of them die. I mean, the way you described your MC's sister staring with a permanent look of fear on her face will get you sympathy from most people, but I don't really feel sorry for that character. Sure, Kailee died in an awful way, but I don't feel like I know her enough to really feel sorry for her. Your MC tells us that she's a nice person, but what has she really done to show us that she is? So, I don't feel sorry for Kailee, (even though she's the one that died) I feel sorry more for your MC, who I feel that I know better, although only slightly.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that you should show (not tell) us things about your characters to make us love them. Overall, I really like this story! I hope you keep writing it because I can't wait to read more! I hope this review helped!
Rachael :D