I hated school

Spoiler

I'm winging this book, it's gonna be fun

Jade

I hated school. There were too many of them, ghosts I mean. Always hovering around me and trying to drain me of energy so they could do stupid stuff like spill Katie Smith’s pencils all over the art room’s floor. Or in Alexi Caftan’s case, slap a past untrustworthy ex-boyfriend straight across his jock, zit covered face.
Anyways, I can see the dead. Yeah, it’s as much fun as burning your hand off. But it’s not only that I see them, I can touch, sense, and hear them; just that that isn’t the half of it. Ghost, if they wanted to, can possess my very being as easily as saying this sentence. It completely sucks.

Though, I’m lucky enough to have understanding parents. Okay I don’t, but they at the least know about me. It’s not like they could ignore my completely, almost blinding, white irises or how they would turn as black as night when I’m possessed. It was a tell tale sign to my weirdness when I was younger. But since then I was given a fine assortment of colored contacts and medical forms saying that I was bipolar and a lot of other crap so I would seem normal. In my opinion it made my life anything but normal.

Now, in the social outcast life that I live, my “gifts” (a.k.a. curses) seem to ruin my life whenever it starts to get slightly better. And before you think that question, no I don’t hide my curses. Why? Because most of the ghosts already know about it! It’s not that you can hide the ability to be possessed. My body is like a daily vitamin for a ghost. If they are even in the room with me they start to solidify and sometimes-if the ghost is strong enough-be seen by people other than myself.

Oh, by the way my name is Jade. Well, it’s actually Augusta but come on, who in their right mind names their kid Augusta? The whole reason behind it was that I was born in August and my parents were planning on having a boy. Too bad for them I was a girl. Since they had no girl name set up they just decided to do it off of the month I was born. So my name was Augusta Violet (there was violets outside the hospital) Beloved.

I live in a small puke green bungalow at the edge of town, go to Ferris High School and my favorite color is black. That’s the basic of many teenagers’ lives. School, I mean. My life consists of playing my bass, dying my hair many shades of black (apparently there is a lot of shades), hanging with the Crew over at Howl’s, and chatting to the dead here and there. Just a normal teen’s life, I guess.

I was actually leaving my school with some kids that were part of the Crew to go to Howl’s when it started to happen, again. Trevor Bennett’s dead ex-girlfriend was trying to get my attention. “Hey Goth-emo-kid, I need help over here!” she yelled from across the parking lot. I could hear her pounding footsteps as she tuned in on my energy. A wicked smile came to her lips as she came straight up to me. “You need to talk to Trevor for me and tell him I still love him. He never found the note I left,” she said.

I sighed. Trevor’s ex-girlfriend, Nancy Lane, died many years ago, more like committed suicide. Out of all the people I knew, I never once thought Nancy would take her life. She was just fourteen when she . . . well you know. She was pretty popular and had the looks between a drag queen and a model. She loved makeup and used as much as she could get. I still winced when I saw her permanent streaks of mascara and cut wrists that glistened bright red with un-dried blood. She wore bloodstained leggings and a fashionably cut up shirt.

“Goth Girl, talk to me,” I slightly shook my head and gestured to the Crew. “What? Can you not talk to me while . . . oh, I get you. You don’t want to be labeled more of a freak than you already are,” she studied me and nodded slightly to herself. “I heard some things and I’m wondering if they’re true.”

I stiffened as she reached for my arm. I knew exactly what she was going to do. Being possessed wasn’t much fun. But she grabbed my arm and I felt the familiar chill from her touch as her hand started to sink into my body. “Whoa, I’m really doing it!” Nancy screeched with excitement as my body swallowed her up. My sight was sunk into darkness and every sense faded. I was stuck in a black abyss deep in my body. There was nothing I could do to fight it and I knew I needed Nancy to lose energy quick. Since she pushed me and my soul aside she also pushed my radiating energy supply that sustains her possession of my body. I just hope it will be faster than I think.

This was pretty interesting. Overall, I think your plot is cool. Sort of morbid and creepy. Good job with the weird! However, I found that some of your sentences could have been written a little more clearly. It wasn't anything too serious, but it was the kind of sentence structure that was just disruptive enough for me to have to go over it twice to understand whether or not you got your meaning out properly. I think you could do a lot with this though. It seems to have its potential. If you edit or add some more to this story and are looking for a review, let me know. I'd be happy to follow this if you want. Good luck with your writing

Hai!

Oh, by the way my name is Jade. Well, it’s actually Augusta but come on, who in their right mind names their kid Augusta? The whole reason behind it was that I was born in August and my parents were planning on having a boy. Too bad for them I was a girl. Since they had no girl name set up they just decided to do it off of the month I was born. So my name was Augusta Violet (there was violets outside the hospital) Beloved.
I live in a small puke green bungalow at the edge of town, go to Ferris High School and my favorite color is black. That’s the basic of many teenagers’ lives. School, I mean. My life consists of playing my bass, dying my hair many shades of black (apparently there is a lot of shades), hanging with the Crew over at Howl’s, and chatting to the dead here and there. Just a normal teen’s life, I guess.

I can’t say I’m desperately in love with Jade right now. She’s so whiney! I mean, yeah, she’s got the ghost thing going on, but hasn’t she ever read Pollyanna? I guess not...

Trevor Bennett’s dead ex-girlfriend was trying to get my attention. “Hey Goth-emo-kid, I need help over here!” she yelled from across the parking lot. I could hear her pounding footsteps as she tuned in on my energy. A wicked smile came to her lips as she came straight up to me. “You need to talk to Trevor for me and tell him I still love him. He never found the note I left,” she said.

How many kids die in this school? Is it just kids who died there who haunt the school or do they let outsiders in?


Your idea here is very cool. I’m a fan of Being Human, and this reminds me of Becoming Human as well, which is cool. I don’t particularly like Jade, though. For all her “curses” she’s a bit boring, whinging and whining about how much her life sucks... She comes across as self-pitying without anything that makes me sympathise with her. I know the seeing ghosts thing could be stressful, but can’t she at least see the bright side? At least she doesn’t have to hide herself from her parents – think how awkward that would be. She seems negative about everything – even her house is “puke green” not just “green” or “spring green”. So she doesn’t like school, she’s an outsider, she doesn’t belong, she dyes her hair black, she plays bass... Someone call the waaaaambulance.

It’s nothing very new, is what I mean.

You also need to format your post better. Right now it’s a big block of text, which is scary to look at and doesn’t encourage reviews. Leave a line between each paragraph and between each new bit of dialogue and it’ll look much better. ^_^

Anyway, I hope this helps! Sorry if this sounds harsh – it’s not meant to be, and I do really like the idea. Maybe I’ll warm up to Jade as time goes by. PM me if you have any questions!

-twit

Thanks for reviewing you awesome people! Yeah, I know Jade is very dramatic but that is how I'm trying to portray her. She's based off my sis, kind of. I'm also trying to portray the setting so you understand how she sees it. The chapters are going to switch between her views and another character named Beck's. I also love writing about unlikable characters, though I know it can get very boring for a reader and all they want to do is punch the MC but it's a bit different (at least I hope). I mostly like writing about unlikeable characters is because I am one myself. But thank you on the advice about the paragraphing and my unclear sentences, I'll try to edit that tonight.

-T

Very good idea. It's different from a lot of the ghost stories you see everywhere all the time. I like Jade in a wierd sort of way. I don't she seems whiney but if dead people started popping up and possessing me I'm pretty sure I'd do a lot more then whine! Anyways, I really liked this. You did a very nice job though I do suggest editing just to make it sound better. I'll continue looking for new chapters!

Aw. this is cute. I loved the idea of seeing ghosts. It sorta reminds me of that series by Meg Cabot. Which is a good thing because i read it like a million times. Haha. Good Luck with your story. And keep writing, i wanna know what happens next.

Hey there

I hated school. There were too many of them, ghosts I mean. Always hovering around me and trying to drain me of energy so they could do stupid stuff like spill Katie Smith’s pencils all over the art room’s floor. Or in Alexi Caftan’s case, slap a past untrustworthy ex-boyfriend straight across his jock, zit covered face.
Anyways, I can see the dead. Yeah, it’s as much fun as burning your hand off. But it’s not only that I see them, I can touch, sense, and hear them; just that that isn’t the half of it. But it’s not just that I can see, touch, sense, and hear them; that’s just the half of it. Ghost, Ghosts, if they wanted to, can possess my very being as easily as saying this sentence. It completely sucks.

Though,I’m not sure if ’though’ is the best word choice here. Maybe ’good thing I’m lucky enough…’ or ’at least I’m lucky enough…’ I’m lucky enough to have understanding parents. Okay comma I don’t, but they at the least know about me my predicament. It’s not like they could ignore my completely, almost blinding, white irises or how they would turn as black as night when I’m possessed. It was a tell tale sign to my weirdness when I was younger. But since then I was given a fine assortment of colored contacts and medical forms saying that I was bipolar and a lot of other crap so I would seem normal. In my opinion it made my life anything but normal.

Now, in the social outcast life that I live, my “gifts” (a.k.a. curses) seem to ruin my life whenever it starts to get slightly better. And before you think that question, no I don’t hide my curses. Why? Because most of the ghosts already know about it! It’s not that you can hide the ability to be possessed. My body is like a daily vitamin for a ghost. If they are even in the room with me they start to solidify and sometimes-if the ghost is strong enough-be are seen by people other than myself.

Oh, by the way my name is Jade. Well, it’s actually Augusta but come on, who in their right mind names their kid Augusta? The whole reason behind it was that I was born in August and my parents were planning on having a boy. Too bad for them I was a girl. Since they had no girl name set up they just decided to do it off of the month I was born. So my name was Augusta Violet (there was were violets outside the hospital) Beloved.

I live in a small puke green bungalow at the edge of town, go to attend Ferris High School comma and my favorite color is black. That’s the basic of many teenagers’ lives. School, I mean. My life consists of playing my bass, dying my hair many shades of black (apparently there is a lot of shades), hanging with the Crew over at Howl’s, and chatting to the dead here and there. Just a normal teen’s life, I guess.

I was actually leaving my school with some kids that were part of the Crew to go to Howl’s when it started to happen, again. Trevor Bennett’s dead ex-girlfriend was trying to get my attention. “Hey Goth-emo-kid, I need help over here!” she yelled from across the parking lot. I could hear her pounding footsteps as she tuned in on my energy. A wicked smile came to her lips as she came straight up to me. “You need to talk to Trevor for me and tell him I still love him. He never found the note I left,” she said.

I sighed. Trevor’s ex-girlfriend, Nancy Lane, died many years ago, more like committed suicide. Out of all the people I knew, I never once thought Nancy would take her life. She was just fourteen when she . . . well you know. She was pretty popular and had the looks between a drag queen and a model. She loved makeup and used as much as she could get. I still winced when I saw her permanent streaks of mascara and cut wrists that glistened bright red with un-dried blood. She wore bloodstained leggings and a fashionably cut up shirt.

“Goth Girl, talk to me,” I slightly shook my head and gestured to the Crew. “What? Can you not talk to me while . . . oh, I get you. You don’t want to be labeled more of a freak than you already are,” she studied me and nodded slightly to herself. “I heard some things and I’m wondering if they’re true.”

I stiffened as she reached for my arm. I knew exactly what she was going to do. Being possessed wasn’t much fun. But she grabbed my arm and I felt the familiar chill from her touch as her hand started to sink into my body. “Whoa, I’m really doing it!” Nancy screeched with excitement as my body swallowed her up. My sight was sunk into darkness and every sense faded. I was stuck in a black abyss deep in my body. There was nothing I could do to fight it and I knew I needed Nancy to lose energy quick. Since she pushed me and my soul aside she also pushed my radiating energy supply that sustains her possession of my body. I just hope it will be faster than I think.

I have to agree with both of the other reviews here; I think this has great potential, however your main character bugs me so far. Like it was already said, there’s nothing to sympathize her with. Her parents seem tolerant of her whole predicament, and she seems to be leading a normal teenage life. She has a group of friends, and might even be in a band, given that she said she plays bass. It seems like her one and only setback is the fact that she was born with this supernatural ability, which doesn’t actually cause her any physical pain or injuries, just a bit of annoyance.
In order to make this interesting, you need to make sure you’ve got one heck of a plot and characters to back it up, or else it will just turn into another one of those ‘teenager with superpowers who doesn’t use them for anything useful’ stories x)
So good luck with this novel, and if you need any extra reviews for chaps along the way, leave me a message and I’ll be glad to help you out
See you around,
~blacksheep