Pretty Girls Do Ugly Things

Spoiler

Hey this is a majorly revised version of another poem under the same title. I'm posting it again because it is so different. You can read the first version athttp://www.youngwriterssociety.com/po ... ml#p835169. Enjoy.

“Pretty girls do ugly things”
Lila says
As she picks the lock on the liquor cabinet.
Zadie stands behind her
Smothering her giggles with her sleek curtain of dark hair.

They sit on the edge of the main street curb
With three bottles of spirits and there gold sequins dresses.
Screaming coarse nothings
Into a too quiet night.

As they stumble down the street
Blinded by neon lights
Limping lambs and a city of wolves
Prowling around the narrow alleyways.

As their parents sleep in their beds
“Not giving a fuck” as Zadie says.
They collapse on Lila’s boyfriend’s carpet
And throw up there Wild Turkey poison
Not so pretty after all.

I like this. I think that you did a good job. And I am about to go and read the first one. And you are so true about pretty girls doing ugly things.

This is so true! I think you could turn this into a short story, or a novel even, if you wanted to. Keep writing!:D

Yay! This is definitely a lot better.

One thing you might think about doing you might try not using the title in the poem. Not to say that using the title in the poem is a bad thing (it isn't) but here is seems like an odd sort of thing for the girl to say before she steals the liquor. We'll understand your meaning when we read the rest of the poem, so don't worry.

Also, another thing you might want to do is see how many adjectives you can avoid. This may just be a personal thing for me (I know a lot of other reviewers roll their eyes at me for saying this!) but adjectives are really some of the weakest sorts of words you can use when you're writing poetry. I mean, think about it...

Her movements were always graceful.

Whenever she moved, she danced.

In the first, you can see the adjective, and I said exactly what I wanted. In the second, I used no adjectives, but I still implied that she was graceful. Same amount of words, but which one is more poetic?

Now, I am not saying that adjectives are horrible things to use in poetry, really, I'm not. A well-placed adjective can be the difference of someone merely being moved by the poem and someone sobbing their eyes out. However, when you start using a lot of adjectives, as with your poem, you miss out on a lot of opportunities to really make your poem sing. So, don't be afraid to limit your adjectives and think of a more creative way of expressing yourself.

You've made toooooons of progress so far with this edit. Good job!

The contrast is done really well in this poem. I particularly love the line

Limping lambs and a city of wolves

though you may consider changing "and" to "in". I think the opening line is perfect. The dialouge is incorporated flawlessly. Great work!

I love it! You could definitely turn this int a dramatic novel!

"Pretty Girls Do Ugly Things"
I second that. Just found out first hand, I guess...

I disagree with Snoink, though. I can imagine some cute girl giggling and saying that while picking a lock. It's the kind of thing people who are expected to be good, but love the rush of being bad say. Sorry it's not much a review, but I like to address meanings and give other feedback on a more intellectual level, so poems straightforward, like this, aren't easily reviewed by me. Expand it, in my opinion!

Very precise and to the point. I really enjoyed it. Short and "sweet?" lol. Good job. I can visualize this happening too. Great job! I want to see more of your poetry. It's different in a good way!