One thing that I thought was a little strange was you started off talking in third person (a girl is doing this...) and then you shifted to second person (as they slowly suck the life of you). It was strange because it seemed like you were implying that the reader was female, when that doesn't have to be the case. So, I would either shift this entirely in third person and describe the girl explicitly or I would direct this to "you."
But even if you decide to keep this in second person, you don't have to make this poem so vague. I don't know... I'm rather a sucker for the very detailed second person poems. So, what is this thing that I'll never see again which used to make me shine? What is this desperation coming from? Where are these sorrows coming from? These sorts of details can really make a poem quirky and nice.
Another thing you'll need to watch out for is typos. You have a lot of them here, and usually they have to do with contractions or possessive pronouns. So definitely look those up and know how to use them! That will make your writing sooo much stronger.
Hope that helps!
What was the English assignment for this poem, anyway? Or did you just write this to avoid having to listen to lecture?
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Actually i just wrote it because i wanted to lol and then i looked outside the window and heard a train and the birds then this came along. But we were learning about myths which i'm totally into now
I think this is a great poem. I love the words, and the message. it's so powerful, and intense. that's what i love about poetry and you've definitely portrayed that. :)
I like them too. 
