Shatterd

Have you ever had the feeling that your whole word just collapsed? That nothing made sense any more? That nothing mattered? Love was gone before it even started. Now my heart is shattered and my eyes are crying. My wishes, hopes, and dreams crushed with not even a goodbye. Now i cant see you because i know if i do i wont handle it. My knees will give out. There is nothing but this acing hole in my chest but since you left nothing seems to matter. Everything is just a blur. Now i only hope, wish, and dream that i can get past this pain or at lease to learn to live with the emptiness. I'm sorry but don't make this harder on me. So please stop playing games and don't look at me like that. Don't you think i been through enough. Are you waiting for me to die? I'm i killing myself by loving you? You just keep hurting me little by little until my heart gives out. I was already dead when you said goodbye.

First: CAPITALIZATION, GRAMMAR, AND SPELLING!!! << wanted you to see that. You need to capitalize the "I"s and all the necessary things. You also need to go through and check spelling and grammar, because I am too lazy to do that for you. Second, poems are written in stanzas. I would seperate it out into different lines and such.

Now on to the serious stuff.

The first line drew me in because I am experiencing severe heart break and I can relate to it. However, the question is rather unoriginal and I bet you could do better than that. I would repeat the my in "My wishes, hopes and dreams," hence it would look like my wishes, my hopes, my dreams. I think it would contribute to the tone more nicely, but ignore that flare of personal touch. I find the subject rather touching, but it would look better as a letter to someone now, rather than a poem.

Hey! I'm Stela, and I will be reviewing for you today.

First of all, I would suggest that you structure this in a different way. It's just a pargraph right now, after all Still, if this is the structure you want to go for... then hey, who am I to stop you?

Have you ever had the feeling that your whole world just collapsed?

Love was gone before it even started.

This line doesn't make sense to me, how can something go if it wasn't even there in the first place.

MUSICequalsLOVE wrote:Now I cant see you because I know if I do I won't handle it

Surely, we know how to capitalize our I's !

MUSICequalsLOVE wrote:So please stop playing games and don't look at me like that. Don't you think I have been through enough.

MUSICequalsLOVE wrote:Am I killing myself by loving you?

Okay, as you can see there are a LOT of grammar mistakes that could have been easily fixed if you read over it before you posted it, which I suggest you do next time. Now, as for the idea... meh. Just another girl writing sad poetry about some guy who dumped her and is leading her on. There is A LOT of it out there, and this just doesn't stand out. You need more. You need structure, you need techniques to bring what you're saying to life, you need to put a bit of you in it, as in, make it your own, don't make it something anyone can write!

Sit down and really think about what you want to say with this poem. Then, being as concise as you can be, develop your ideas using poetic devices such as metaphores, imagery, simile, personfication, assonance, sibilance, onomatopoeia- you get my drift. Use the ones that will help you convery whatever message you're trying to put through, of course, don't just stick an alliteration here, a simile there for the fun of it.

I would suggest you read these articles written by YWS users to improve your poetry:

How to write good poetry by Kitty15: topic69510.html

and

A tutorial by Suzanne on Emotional poetry: topic18790.html

Good Luck!

stelagineva and paperbackheart thank you for the reviews. I really did not notice everything that was wrong and you guys are right. stelagineva thanks also for the links. =) I guess i was just tired but that's no excuse i will fix this as soon as I can.