I Really Don't Know What To Call This

This is a slightly modified version of a story I wrote for another board. Edited it a little because it had some male on male overtones and language. Story of a young photographer reminiscing about the passing of his young brother following the 2011 Tohoku Earthquake and Tsunami. The disaster really evoked a lot of thoughts and feelings in me, and so I guess it helped to channel them into a short story. My first story on YWS. Also, bear with my God awful middle school writing skills. Tell me what you think, I think I can take a little criticism.

Also, I'm very, very aware this is a sensitive topic, and I've tried my ABSOLUTE HARDEST not to offend anyone, but if you feel and offense towards this, just tell me and I'll take it down. I hold great reverence towards the country, the culture, and most of all, the people. They are strong for going through this, stronger than I'll ever be, and I send the best of my wishes towards everyone touched by this catastrophe. Not only to those in Japan, but to those outside of the country who have had family members affected by it as well. This is above all, a human tragedy, and I hope that this story will give awareness and provoke thought towards that fact.

I may not be Japanese, I may not have family there, and I may not feel first hand the pain caused by these travesties, but I feel for these people, and I ask of you the same: think of the damage. Think of the heartbreak, the loss, and if you can, lend a hand to the cause. Sincerity is a hard thing to convey through an internet post, but I ask you just once, believe the words I have written here today. I thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.

And finally, this story is dedicated to all those affected by the natural disasters in Japan.

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Click.

They say that time heals wounds.

Click.

It had five days already since Yukiharu died.

Click.

I was hoping by now that the pain would at least dull some.

Click.

But it seems like it was only yesterday we found him, laying there unresponsive under the rubble.

Click.

It was all my fault, too. If I’d kept a better watch on him, he wouldn't have.

Click.

For some reason, I found a horrifying, surreal beauty in the scenes of devastation. The orange sky of dusk reflected itself against the flooded streets, where signposts and streetlight poles stuck up like metal cattail stalks. Following the waves and quakes, a bizarre calmness came over what was left of Waterfront Village. The only sounds were of the shutter of my camera, and the wind brushing past my ears as I sat on a tall hill overlooking the remains of my hometown.

I had always expressed a mutual dislike for Waterfront. I remember talking to Torahiko one sunny morning before class, the memories still felt fresh like it was yesterday. I told him, “man, if I could have a chance to get out of East Bumfuck (Waterfront), I would.” He always teased me about my obsession with the city. But, no. I had always craved more in life. I wanted something… more fast paced, I never wanted to miss an opportunity or a beat in life. I took up photography because I’ve always had an obsession with capturing and archiving these memories, these experiences.

But, despite my longing to cut my ties from this place, I missed it. Only after the disaster did I crave that slow pace of life again. And even things I previously disliked, I missed as well. Those stressful nights studying for pointless tests, those stupid arguments with Torahiko over things like which pop idol was hotter (I always sided with Ayumi Hamasaki). The dreadful heat, humidity, and the plague of insects during the Summer, and those seemingly infinite afternoons of working at the store while everyone else was at the beach. I missed it, I missed it all. It finally dawned on me that, I wanted my stupid, boring, backwater life again. And most of all, I wanted my brother back, too.

Sure, Yukiharu had those times when he was whiny and hopelessly irritating, but unlike a lot of brother to brother relationships, we actually got along for the most part. I had to admit, I liked to babysit him, take him out fishing, walk with him to town. I liked spending time with him, and when he’d begun to grow up and become more independent, I felt a little… empty inside. How could his life be taken away from him so soon? In what way could he of all people have deserved this fate? Over and over again I replay the situation in my mind, and each time I wish that I was there instead of him.

I remember the previous Summer how Yukiharu had made us charm bracelets. He wore one, and I wore one too. He asked me to promise him that I’d never take it off as long as we were brothers. I agreed.

I tugged lightly at the colorful, beaded wristband as the warm tears rolled down my face.

Hey there!

This was so sad. Not only because the terrible disaster that struck Japan is so fresh in my mind, but because it's so true. So many people have lost everything and it really makes you think; is life really that bad? So what if we have to do things we dislike. Nothing seems that bad anymore when you're faced with a natural disaster that has destroyed so much

I couldn't find many mistakes - you're writing isn't at all bad.

It’d five days already since Yukiharu died.

This sentence feels like it's missing words. Try -

'It had been five days already since Yukiharu died.'

with Ayumi Hamasaki), the dreadful heat, humidity

I'd change the comma after the closed bracket to a full stop and have it as two sentences -

'with Ayumi Hamasaki). The dreadful heat, humidity'

but unlike most brother to brother relationships we actually got along for the most part.

You use 'most' twice here. I'd suggest changing it so that you only use it once so that it's less repetitive. E.g -

'but unlike a lot of brother to brother relationships we actually got along for the most part.'

I also think you need a comma after 'relationships'

The tenses did seem to waver a bit throughout the piece. I know some of it is the MC remembering what life used to be like, so the tenses will change to suit that, but I still feel like the tenses are inconsistant in other parts of the piece.

The only way you could improve this would be if you were to add in more emotion. This is a sad piece anyway, and the last line really did hit me, but a little more of how he feels would help. You don't want to over load it with descriptions of how he feels, but a few more wouldn't hurt.

I hope this helps

xDudettex

Thanks for the input. Since this wasn't an official thing for school or anything, I didn't really proofread through as I should have. I really need to get into the habit. Again, thanks for the tips!

Hello there. Here's the review I promised.

The one thing that really made an impression on me was your sentiments when writing this; they really shone through, and they really made this story stand out compared to the other pieces posted recenly about the disaster. You might want to consider separating the introduction somehow. Right now, it blends into the beginning of the story. Placing it under a spoiler or using some sort of divider (---) would be a good idea.

I won't comment on the grammar except to say that proofreading is always good no matter what you're writing for, and that having grammatical errors really detracts from the story. Missing words in particular are very jarring and throw your readers out of the story as they have to stop and reread in order to figure out what you were trying to say.

If I’d kept a better watch on him, he wouldn’t have…

Ellipses are rather melodramatic and overused in general. I suggest avoiding them.

For some reason, I found a horrifying, surreal beauty in the scenes of devastation.

"For some reason" feels like the wrong sort of phrase to use here. Something a bit more concrete, like "Despite myself", would work better.

The orange sky of dusk reflected itself against the flooded streets, where signposts and streetlight poles stuck up like metal cattail stalks. Following the waves and quakes, a bizarre calmness came over what was left of Waterfront Village. The only sounds were of the shutter of my camera, and the wind brushing past my ears as I sat on a tall hill overlooking the remains of my beloved hometown.

The descriptions here read as quite awkward, especially the tenses. Rephrasing and streamlining them would sound and feel better. One possibility:

The dusky sky reflected orange off the flooded streets, signposts and streelights sticking up like metal cattail stalks. A bizzare calm draped what was left of Waterfront Village, a stark contrast to the violence of the wave and quakes. The only sounds were the clicking of my camera shutter and the wind brushing past my ears as I sat on a tall hill overlooking the remains of my hometown.

Also, I do wonder why you went with "Waterfront Village" rather than a Japanese name. It just looks and feels odd, especially since Yukiharu and Torahiko are not literally translated. Also, calling the village "beloved" here is strange, especially since you go on to explain that the narrator did not like his home village at all when it was still around.

In any case, overall, there were some odd cases of word choice. For instance, when they find Yukiharu, he's described as "unconscious", which implys that he is alive. "Unresponsive" would be the better choice as it does not imply that he is alive. Another word was "aggravative", which doesn't feel natural, and I'm not sure it's used correctly. Some alternatives would be "irritating", "aggravating", and "needy".

Overall, this was solid and touching, especially the end. You really do need to proofread and edit this more, though. The awkward phrasings, odd wordings, and inconsistent grammar really detract from this.

It's pretty odd with the names, I know. It was adapted from another project I made a while back so things are weird. Also, this was really cranked out on a whim so I didn't expect it to be the most polished piece of work. I focused a lot more on emotional writing this time around (something I'm not at all good at), so I guess consistency, etc. took a back seat. Well, hopefully more practice will get all of the wrinkles out. Thanks for the comments and everything though, they really do help.