A poem for Japan

A little poem for Japan:


O Mother

Let there be the light of day
In the land's and water's way,
Let the skins of people cleanse
As our mother makes amends.
Earth, O Earth, why do you shatter,
Let the blood of fam'lies splatter,
Let the hearts of children stop,
Meanwhile let our own ones sob,
Rob them of their dearest shelter?
Mother Nature, when we felt her,
We were stunned with jaw-wide awe,
But when she struck her naked paw,
We did feel her risen wrath,
With a roaring aftermath.

Mother Nature, if you can,
Embrace and guard our
Brothers, sisters,
Mothers, fathers
Husbands, wives and
Children,
May you save them by the hand.

Hello there,
I am Upile. And I will be reviewing your poem today. I am very interested by this poem because you have decided to write about something the entire world feels hurt by.

Oh Mother- I think you should put an exclamation mark after 'Mother' just for a more powerful entrance.

Let there be the light of day,
In the land's and water's way,
Let the skins of people cleanse,
As our mother makes amends.
Earth, oh Earth, why do you shatter,
Let the blood of fam'lies splatter,
Let the hearts of children stop,
Meanwhile let our own ones sob,
Rob them of their dearest shelter?
Mother nature, when we felt her,
We were stunned with jaw-wide awe,
But when she struck her naked paw,
Did we feel her risen wrath,- a question mark is missing somewhere around here, after all this is a question.
With a roaring aftermath.
Mother nature, if you can,
Embrace and guard our,- take off the coma after this sentence.
Brothers, sisters,
Mothers, fathers
Husbands, wives- you need to add an 'and' after wives, not only for grammar's sake but to add a little extra to the poem.
the Children,
May you save them by the hand.

The lines in purple are my favourite. There aren't that many typos in this poem. Overall I love the rhythme and the heart in this poem. It is very touching. I love the way you presented this topic. Bravo!!! Keep it up!!
xxxx Upile xxx

Thanks for your review. I have changed the poem with your suggestions. Glad you found the poem touching. Thanks!

This is SO much better than what I did. I'm so ashamed of what I (originally) wrote in my poem. T_T This deserves to get featured! It's very sympathetic.

Nitpicks:

Oh Mother

- I think it's more correct to remove the 'h' in 'Oh' since you're using the apostrophe figure of speech like this: 'O Mother'. (Perhaps, a definition will help - Apostrophe is closely related to personification; consists in addressing the absent as if in they were present, inanimate objects, and abstract ideas as though they were alive.)

Let there be the light of day,
In the land's and water's way,

- The following line continues directly from the preceding line so I think there shouldn't be a comma after 'day'.

Let the skins of people cleanse,
As our mother makes amends.

- Same here with the comma after 'cleanse'.

Earth, oh Earth, why do you shatter,
Let the blood of fam'lies splatter,
Let the hearts of children stop,
Meanwhile let our own ones sob,
Rob them of their dearest shelter?

- These lines are brilliantly genius! I can't emphasize enough.
- About the 'oh Earth', I think it's more correct if you capitalize the 'o' and remove the 'h' like what I said in my first nitpick.

Mother nature, when we felt her,

- I think you should capitalize the 'n' in 'nature'.

Mother nature, if you can,

- Same here.
- By the way, the change of pronoun use from third to second person is kind of confusing. Maybe, if you separate these lines as a verse, it'll be better:

Mother nature, when we felt her,
We were stunned with jaw-wide awe,
But when she struck her naked paw,
We did feel her risen wrath,

However, the first line ('Mother nature, when we felt her,') is intended to rhyme with the line before it so I actually am not sure with how you can make this better.

Mother nature, if you can,
Embrace and guard our
Brothers, sisters,
Mothers, fathers
Husbands, wives and
Children,
May you save them by the hand.

- I love how you enumerated here and how you ended it with 'May you save them by the hand.' How sincere.

Thanks a lot for your awesome review, Whisperer!
I tried my best to follow your suggestions, I do agree with what you've said. About the third to second person, hmm, didn't really see that. Hope it's not too big an issue. I do use "we" quite a bit throughout the poem though.

But thanks again for helping me improve! And I'm really glad you liked it!

This is well done! I especially like the lines "Earth, O Earth, why do you shatter,
Let the blood of fam'lies splatter,
Let the hearts of children stop,
Meanwhile let our own ones sob,
Rob them of their dearest shelter?"

I am at a loss for words
...this was more than incredible.
I loved your message, the voice within the piece, the rhetorical questions
I loved loved loved it.
I know that most of the little spelling mistakes and such have already been pointed out, so let me just say, Japan felt unimaginable emotions and you truly reached into that place of pure distress in this work of art that you wrote and only true writers can do something like this.
Truly impressed...SnowBerry

Thank you so much for your wonderful replies. I don't frequent this place much as of late, but you guys are turning the tide!

This poem rocks! People write way too many sappy romance things about sunsets and blah blah blah. But this is about something that matters, and there's an actual message and real emotions in this. Natural disasters can be great poems, as you've just shown. I liked the rhyming. Keep it up. You're a good poet.

I really liked. This is a topic of global concern, and it's always good to show sensitivity for the woes of our brothers. At least they know they are not alone. I agree with the corrections Whisperer. But overall this poem touched my soul. congratulations

Aoow, this is so great. Amazing dedaction to Japan, it was really touching!
I love that you really manage to get the message and feelings through with your words, it takes a certain talent to do that!
If to improve something I'd like you to split the first stanza in to like.. three instead of just one and add some more dots. I feel like there is too many commas and you donno where it's okay to breath. ^^

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness