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Last edited by lele253isme on Thu Sep 15, 2011 2:13 am, edited 4 times in total.




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It is a good topic to write a poem about, however it can throw you off with the lack of punctuation. It flows very well, perfectly with the rhymes, however without punctuation, it's easy to get off track. Here is how I think the flow goes. (My edited stuff goes in the the parenthesis).

Fake only has a fraction of real(period)
The part that is fake isn't easy to feel(period)
Its lies dance off of the makers (maker's) lips(period) (I would capitalize Maker and get rid of "of." It flows better that way.)
And real once was water(comma)
But now (she's) senseless drips(period) (This sounds weird.)
...
It fills (your) (life's) goodness. (This is also weird)


Okay this is a good poem, but as you see it needs punctuation. Give this a good lookover and then edit it. Then it'll be good.
There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. -Anonymous.




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I agree, the poem is really good, but 1) it needs punctuation 2)the rhyming puts on restrictions, so you need to hit the right word. I think you missed once or twice.
"And when you're out there,
without care, yeah,
I was out of touch!
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough,
I just knew too much."




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I liked the message of the poem... :)
(:I'm going to live my life, or die trying... :)




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I felt a good connection to this poem, especially sense I know a girl who lies a lot, but it kind of relooks at the idea of reality, lies, truth, and, as you named the piece, fake. I enjoyed reading this more than once and I look forward to reading some of your other works 
>> I sounded really professional their—sorry.
Anyway, keep writing; also, you might want to break this poem up a little bit, just to help the overall flow of everything.
Just a thought—Snowberry
When nothing goes right, go left




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I liked the poem alot. I thought it was unique and intrseting. I'm sorry but I like it so much I don't really have anything bad to say. All I can say is good job and keep it up!




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lele253isme wrote:Fake has only a fraction of Real.
That part of Fake isn't easy to feel.
Its lies dance off the Maker's lips.
And real once was water,
But now She's senseless drips. how about 'it', rather than she.
Fake is a common thing to contain.
Real is the only thing that separates
The lies from the truth,
The blank from full. What do you mean by this?
It feeds you lifes goodness,
In big gulping spoonfuls. This doesn't really sound good. You should take out gulping.
Yes, Fake isn't real,
And Real is not fake.
Cause when reality's truth is known,
Human kind is at stake. I think you should explain why.



This poem cam from a spark of inspiration about how we all can act fake now and then, but the reality shows in the little things you do.


I liked the idea of it, but it's just a tad bit confusing. You rhyme at the beginning and then simply stop. That change took my mind off of the poem. I recommend that you either rhyme or don't. I added punctuation. You don't need to capitalize each word at the beginning of a stanza. The poem defiantly has potential! Keep writing (:




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I really liked this poem It was like I was in it or something like that.
You really had feeling when you wrote this so I am happy to be your sister Because you are awesome.




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Fake only has a fraction of Real
That part of Fake isn't easy to feel
Its lies dance off the Maker's lips
And real once was water The first two lines rhymed, so I feel like the next two should too, or I don't know, but I just don't think the water is connected to any of the other lines - only in rhyming, in meaning it's perfect (Does that make sense?)
But now She's senseless drips
Fake is a common thing to contain
Real is the only thing that separates
The Lies from the truth
The blank from full
It feeds you lifes goodness
In big gulping spoonfuls Again, there is something with this line that throws me a bit off course. I completely love the four lines above this one, and then when I read this I had to stop and read it again - it kinda' breaks the rhythm.
Yes, Fake isn't real
And Real is not fake
Cause when reality's truth is known
Human kind is at stake


I like the overall meaning of the poem, but there is something about the rhyming that bothers me a bit. Maybe it was intentional to stop the rhyming for a bit and then start again, but it feels weird.

Good poem, and keep writing because I really love your stuff! :)
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
- Gandhi




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I like the overall meaning. It's true that the world is a one big masquerade and everyone hides behind his mask :D Only one point: the rhyming is so confusing. I don't get the pattern you used. Maybe you could choose synonymous words that will rhyme so as to give more color to the poem also.

Good poem! Keep it up! :D
Always wear a smile. You don't know people falling in love on you when you smile.



Powerful men have a way of avoiding consequences.
— Dr. Harrison Wells, The Flash