More Than the World

The sky seems to shine
in a crysraline blue.
The world is a live wire
when I'm here with you.

Time hides from me,
but I do not care.
forever is never
when you are around.

Forgive me for staring,
but you are so perfect
I fear if I look away
I will find only dreams.

Leaning into your chest,
I close my eyes and sigh.
I smile and think that nothing
could ever get better than this.

You give me a flower
as blue as the sky
You whisper faintly in my ear,
I love you more than the world

Hi! I'm OverEasy, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

The sky seems to glitter
in a heavenly hue.
The world seems much brighter
when I'm here with you.

So, as far as first stanzas go, I feel this is leaving something to be desired. I get what you're trying to do, the whole "everything is beautiful, but only when you're near" thing, but it doesn't come through as loudly as it could. Perhaps because there is nothing to compare it to. There is no bleak world to start with, so I don't see how beautiful it has become now. I love a good transitional poem though, something with a story. I also think it would be much stronger if you completely left out the rhyme scheme here. It limits your word choice, and therefore limits the content of your poem. You can very easily keep flow without rhyme.

This article by Cade has some really fantastic information on how to rhyme effectively if you choose to use said literary device. My advice, however, is to let go of it and focus more on the content of your poem.

Time hides from me,
but I do not care.
minutes, days, it make no difference
to me when you are there.

In this second stanza, I would remove the bold portion, for the flows sake. As for the content, it could be stronger. I like the idea of time hiding from you, but I feel it could be expanded on a lot more. Again, my advice is to lose the rhyme, as it's only confining your content. Focus on the images you are trying to create, and try to really bring them to life.

Tendrils of my hair
light upon the breeze,
reaching for the face
that I try to please.

This stanza in particular shows how restraining the rhyme can be. It's an odd image, completed with an even odder last line. I like the idea of hair caught on the wind and reaching for someone, but that last line throws it. It makes it feel somehow childish, and almost awkward. The flow is okay, but the last line here feels forced and off from the rest of the poem.

Forgive me for staring,
I can not resist,
when i think of how we met
or when we first kissed.

This one you've lost the imagery! That is a tragedy since the first few stanzas actually have some really interesting images, and I quite liked that aspect of them. The lack of said images in this stanza make it feel like part of a different poem. Sure, the flow is essentially the same ABCB, and all that, but you've lost the feel. I would consider losing this stanza completely, as it isn't adding a whole lot. If anything, it is detracting from the images you have created above.

Leaning into your chest,
I close my eyes and sigh.
My smile grows wide as i think
Who is as lucky as I?

Again, this stanza is adding very little to your poem, and I feel it could very easily be left out.

On another completely different note, always make sure to capitalize your "I's". It's a professional courtesy, it lets us know that you take your poetry seriously. An uncapitalized "I" is like saying "I don't care enough to put my full effort into this" and it's sort of off putting

You give me a flower
with petals uncurled.
You whisper faintly in my ear,
I love you more than the world

I like the image here too! I still think that it could be stronger without the restriction of rhyme. I think if you do decide to rework this, you should stick with the images created, and really run with them as they are quite fantastic.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Hope this helps,

OverEasy

Hey there,
wow I totally love this poem. It's beautiful, love in it's greatest.


The sky seems to glitter
in a heavenly hue.
The world seems much brighter
when I'm here with you.

Time hides from me,
but I do not care.
minutes, days, it make no difference
to me when you are there.

Tendrils of my hair
light upon the breeze,
reaching for the face
that I try to please.


Forgive me for staring,
I can not resist,
when i think of how we met
or when we first kissed.


Leaning into your chest,
I close my eyes and sigh.
My smile grows wide as i think
Who is as lucky as I?

You give me a flower
with petals uncurled.
You whisper faintly in my ear,

the lines in Purple I LOVE
the lines in Pink I LOVE LOVE LOVEX4
This is a very beautiful poem. Keep it up!!
xxxxUpilexxxx

This was very pretty ^.^ I loved the random rhyming; it makes the poem seem so cute and innocent. Then again, love is it's best when it's innocent Keep writing!