The Strange and Exciting Life of Daniel Romis (Part One)

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I suppose, looking back, Daniel Romis was never a bad man. He wrote me throughout his time in prison and though I never replied, I always read the letters. I would then tidy them away, pretending that the sentiments expressed within them didn’t mean anything to me. Now I can look back with objectivity I can see that Romis was nothing but an opportunist. Some decisions you can never come back from, some action's effects are so great that they will cause repercussions for you, forever. Daniel grew as a person during his façade, and it speaks to his credit that he never ran, never left his duties behind him. The man who served for Romis’ crimes did not commit them, however the body must pay for what it did, even if the person inside has changed. I will try, to the best of my ability, to put to paper the account of Romis’ crimes. When the issue of authenticity comes up, I can only tell you that the emotions came from the man’s own letters. Some things I have researched myself, however I believe my account to be one hundred percent accurate, but you shall have to take my word for it all the same. I shall try as much as possible to not gloss over, nor condemn the man’s crimes. I leave it to you to judge from now on, the immorality or other of his crimes. And so I present to you…

The Strange and Exciting Life of Daniel Romis

The Man's Beginnings

Daniel Romis was born of Mary Estevez in Wythenshawe Workhouse, south of Manchester City centre in 1793. His mother Mary, an immigrant, was treated with suspicion by the workers in the cold, damp and moldy wooden workhouse. Especially given that the boy Daniel had almost none of the South American features of his mother. A rumor quickly circulated among the workers that she was the runaway maid of the family who lived in the mansion a few miles away on Tatton ground. Wythenshawe Workhouse was named after their great hall and they were popular among the workers. So the male employees in the Workhouse quickly took it upon themselves to get the truth out of the ‘foreign whore’. Unfortunately, all they managed to get themselves was an orphan. An Orphan who quickly became known as ‘remiss’, as there was something wrong with him, which the children began to also call him. The name eventually became Romis and so, in a way more convoluted and horrid than anyone would want to admit, Daniel(a name from his mother) Romis became a child worker in Wythenshawe Workhouse and the story proper can now begin.

The Boy Escapes

A 15yearold Daniel woke up breathing heavily, having just escaped a nightmare he was having about the emptiness closing in all around him, with his old withered self well aware that he had achieved nothing in his life. Looking around the tightly packed room of boys with it’s peeling green brown walls and a window as dusty as the corners under the bedposts, Daniel had to admit that the only unlikely thing about his dream was that he would live to an old age.
A great many cruelties had befallen Daniel in the 15 years since his birth, the murder of his mother by the people who were now his carers, the long hours of work he had been forced to complete and the beatings he had regularly received. However the cruelest things those who looked after him had done was to tell him their theory of who his father was. When he was younger, Daniel had been tortured by the hope that his father would one day come and save him from the horrid workhouse. Now older and more cynical, it just gave Daniel a belief that he was due a better life. Something had been stolen from him and now at the age of 15 he was about to risk his life to try and get back what he believed to be rightfully his.

However, he would have to wait until the end of the day. Workers were either offered jobs or turned out onto the street, penniless and destitute. Daniel though, was planning something rather more adventurous. Just one more day of work to get through and Daniel would be a rich man. He pattered slowly over to a bed on the other side of the room and shook another boy.

“Gareth, Gareth” he spoke with an urgent whisper.

Gareth stirred slowly and, eventually, opened his eyes. “What is it Daniel?” Gareth had never been as energetic as Daniel, not as hopeful. But, Romis noticed now how sunken his eyes had become in the last few weeks. They had once been a bright blue, but now they seemed watered down. He looked like he was permanently about to burst into tears. Daniel had a horrible image of his friend wasting away, the life slowly seeping out of him.

“Nothing friend, I’m sorry I woke you.” A while ago Gareth would have had a quip at this ridicules conversation. He would have at least have moaned at being woken. Instead, he wrapped his thin cover closer to his body and went to close his eyes. As he did, he glanced up at Daniel, looking at him with such gratitude that it broke Romis’ heart.

Shaken, Daniel stood up and walked out of the dormitory. He knew that his friend was dying, he had known it for a long time but today brought it into sharp focus. He was going to escape, that was the plan that him and Gareth had hatched together. They had needed to wait until they were both old enough. Now they were and yet it seemed that Gareth was now too old. Daniel wanted to be at his friend’s side at the end. He had a duty to be there for him. Thinking heavily Daniel wandered outside. The sun was just rising; pretty soon they’d all be woken for breakfast and Romis would have to sneak some porridge back into the dorm for Gareth. Staring at the vast open green land that surrounded the Workhouse Daniel realized that the world was waiting. He couldn’t wait another six months to escape. He knew he would have to escape today and with that he decided to do the first thing that he would regret for the rest of his life. There would be many more, but the first time is always special.
Last edited by Quibbons Quill on Sun Mar 27, 2011 1:51 am, edited 2 times in total.




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For starters, Hello! I'm subtlepseudonym... or just subtle.
Just as a disclaimer, all grammar edits are subject to my fallacies and any suggestions of alteration to your story derive themselves from my simple musings. Don't take me too seriously; I'm trying to improve your writing.

That said, let's begin!

I suppose, looking back, Daniel Romis wasn’t (was never) ever a bad man. He wrote me throughout his time in prison and though I never replied, I always read the letters. I would then tidy them away, pretending that the sentiments expressed within them didn’t mean anything to me. Romis, when looked at coldly, (ADVERB) with the hurt he caused far back in the past, "the hurt he...past," sounds awkward. Rephrase? was nothing but an opportunist. Some decisions you can never come back from, some actions (action's) effects are so great that they will cause repercussions for you, forever. Daniel grew as a person during his façade, and it speaks to his credit that he never ran, never left his duties behind him. The man who served for Romis’ crimes did not commit them, however the body must pay for what it did, even if the person inside has changed. I will try, to the best of my ability (comma) to put to paper the account of Romis’ crimes. When the issue of authenticity comes up (comma) I can only tell you that the emotions came from the man’s own letters. Some things I have researched myself, however I believe my account to be one hundred per cent (percent) accurate, but you shall have to take my word for it all the same. (You're telling the story; of course I need to take your word for it.) I shall try as much as possible to not gloss over, nor condemn the man’s crimes. I leave it to you to judge from now on, the immorality or other of his crimes. An (And) so I present to you…

The Strange and Exciting Life of Daniel Romis

The Mans (Man's) Beginnings
Daniel Romis was born of Mary Estevez in Wythenshawe Workhouse, south of Manchester City centre in 1793. His mother Mary, being ('being' is unnecessary) an immigrant, was treated with suspicion by the workers in the cold, damp and mouldy (moldy) wooden workhouse (comma) especially given that the boy Daniel had almost none of the south (South) American features of his mother. A rumour (rumor) quickly (ADVERB) circulated among the workers that she was the runaway maid of the family who lived in the mansion a few miles away (comma) on Tatton ground. Wythenshawe Workhouse was named after their great hall and they where (were) popular among the workers and (This is run-on. It should be a new sentence.) the male employees in the Workhouse quickly took it upon themselves to get the truth out of the ‘foreign whore’. Unfortunately (comma and ADVERB) all the (they) managed to get themselves was an orphan. Who (doesn't make sense. How about 'He'.) quickly (ADVERB)became known as ‘remiss’, as there was something wrong with him, which the children began to also call him. The name eventually became Romis and so, in a way more convoluted and horrid than anyone would want to admit (comma) Daniel(a name from his mother) Romis became a child worker in Wythenshawe Workhouse and the story proper can now begin.

The Boy Escapes
A 15year (fifteen year) old Daniel work (woke) up breathing heavily (comma and adverb) having just escaped a nightmare he was having ('he was having' Helping verbs are no good.) about the emptiness closing in all around him, with his old withered self well aware that he had achieved nothing in his life. Looking around the tightly (ADVERB) packed room of boys, (unneeded comma) with it’s peeling green (green-brown?) brown walls and a window as dusty as the corners under the bedposts, (The comparison seems awkward; I don't know how dusty the corners are.) Daniel had to admit that the only unlikely thing about his dream was that he would live to an old age.
A great many cruelties had befallen Daniel in the 15years (fifteen years) since his birth, (...since his birth:) the murder of his mother by the people who were now his carers, ('carers' is not a word. Try 'caretakers'.) the long hours of work he had been forced to complete, (and) the beatings he had regularly (ADVERB) received, (new sentence) however the cruellest things those who looked after him had done was to tell him their theory of who his father was. When he was younger (comma) Daniel had been tortured by the hope that his father would one day come and save him from the horrid workhouse. Now older and more cynical, it just gave Daniel a belief that he was due a better life. That (get rid of 'That') something had been cruelly (ADVERB) stolen from him and now at the age of 15 (fifteen) he was about to risk his life to try and get back what he believed to be rightfully his.
However (comma) he would have to wait until then end of the day. Workers were usually (Don't use 'usually'. Your sentence will be stronger.) either offered jobs or turned out onto the street, penniless and destitute. Daniel though, was planning to take back what was his. (I know he's taking something back, don't repeat it. If you're set on keeping the sentence, simply rephrase it so it isn't a copy of your previous statement) Just one more day of work to get through and Daniel would be a rich man. He pattered (Not sure 'pattered' fits the sound of footsteps.) slowly (ADVERB) over to a bed on the other side of the room and shook another boy.
“Gareth, Gareth” He spook (spoke) with an urgent whisper.
Gareth, (unneeded comma) stirred slowly (ADVERB) and, eventually, opened his eyes. “What is it Daniel?” Gareth had never been as energetic as Daniel, not as hopeful. But (As much as I hate starting a sentence with 'But', it seems fitting here. It needs a comma though.) Romis noticed now how sunken his eyes had become in the last few weeks, (new sentence) they had once been a bright blue, but now they seemed watered down. He looked like he was permanently (ADVERB ...not too bad here though) about to burst into tears. Daniel had a horrible image of his friend wasting away, the life slowly (ADVERB) seeping out of him.
“Nothing friend, I’m sorry I woke you.” A while ago Gareth would have had a quip at this ridicules (ridiculous) conversation, (new sentence) he would have at least have moaned at being woken. Instead, he wrapped his thin cover closer to his body and went to close his eyes. As he did (comma) he glanced up at Daniel, looking at him with such gratitude that it broke Romis’ heart.

Shaken (comma) Daniel stood up and walked out of the dormitory. He knew that his friend was dying, he had known it for a long time but today brought it into sharp focus. (Don't explicitly say that Gareth is dying. Either kill him later or allow me to ponder his fate.) He was going to escape, that was the plan that him and Gareth had planned. (Very awkward. Said 'plan' twice.) They had had (No one likes helping verbs. Get rid of one 'had'.) to wait until they were both old enough, (new sentence) now they were and yet it seemed that Gareth was now too old. Daniel wanted to be at his friend’s side at the end. He had a duty to be there for him. Thinking heavily (ADVERB) Daniel wondered (I think you mean wandered) outside. The sun was just rising, (semicolon) pretty soon they’d all be woken for breakfast and Romis would have to sneak some porridge back into the dorm for Gareth. Staring at the vast (comma) open (comma) green land that surrounded the Workhouse (comma) Daniel realised (realized) that the world was waiting. He couldn’t wait another six months to escape, (new sentence) he knew he would have to escape today, (unneeded comma) and with that he decided to do the first thing that he would regret for the rest of his life. There would be many more (comma) but the first time is always special.


The text in yellow, should you not be able to read it, says ADVERB. In almost every case, adverbs are unnecessary and only take the strength out of your sentence. If I say: "He ran quickly across the street", you know what has happened, but you're not there with him. Such a sentence should be replaced with: "His feet pounded the pavement as he sprinted across the street." The latter of the two is much stronger, as you can see. Try your best to keep from using adverbs. It'll add realism to your writing.

Overall, great story and premise. Needs some work grammatically and with literary devices (foreshadowing, etc.), but it looks good and I look forward to the next installment. Apologies for drowning your story in red ink.

-subtle
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Hi!

First off, congrats on having a very cool title. It’s simple and a little obvious, but it drew me in. Reminds me of The Extraordinary and Unusual Adventures of Horatio Lyle, which I adore on a quite indecent level. I did quite like the story; you have a very good premise—a promising premise, lol, and even though I didn’t get a very good sense of character, the plot looks good.


The first paragraph is is a little wordy and I’m not sure exactly what you’re saying. The guy did crimes, went to prison and then repented? I don’t know what you mean about a facade, though.

The main problem with your story is that it’s very, very tell-y. It’s not smooth or subtle; it’s awkward, loud and in-your-face. I know that sounds mean, I’m sorry, but learning to show and not tell is, I think, one of the most important things you can do as a writer. All the back story about Romis’ mother—do we need to know that? It doesn’t seem to me that we do; it doesn’t really add anything to the story and it just bogs down the beginning, leaving it heavy and unwieldy.

It’s the same later on as well. You tell everything, you don’t show it. It’s like Subtle said, by telling you block the readers out of the story. Reading it, I didn’t get any real emotions from Romis, it was all “he did this, he felt this, he did this and then he did something else”. There’s very little of the actual person of Romis in the story. Does that make sense?

The ending as well confused me a bit. Romis seems to have a lot of freedom to wander where he wants to, and he goes outside and gazes thoughtfully at the sky – why doesn’t he cut and run right then?


PM me if you have any questions, and I’m sorry if this review seems a little disorderly; there’s a Morse episode on in the background and I only came in halfway through so it’s all very confusing.

-twitty
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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First off, the nitpicks:
I would then tidy them away, pretending that the sentiments expressed within them didn’t mean anything to me.

I love this sentence. It has a certain ring to it. :)
Now I can look back with objectivity I can see that Romis was nothing but an opportunist.

This sounds a little weird. Perhaps you meant, "Now that I can look back"
I will try, to the best of my ability, to put to paper the account of Romis’ crimes.

I feel like this extra comma makes the sentence flow better. Just an opinion, though.
His mother Mary, an immigrant, was treated with suspicion by the workers in the cold, damp and moldy wooden workhouse, especially given that the boy Daniel had almost none of the South American features of his mother.

I feel that this sentence is a bit of a mouthful. I would suggest breaking it up into two sentences so that the reader doesn't have to read it twice.
Wythenshawe Workhouse was named after their great hall and they were popular among the workers.

Unfortunately, all they managed to get themselves was an orphan.

An orphan who quickly became known as ‘remiss’, as there was something wrong with him, which the children began to also call him.

A fifteen-year-old Daniel woke up

A great many cruelties had befallen Daniel in the fifteen years since his birth

However, the cruelest things those who looked after him had done was to tell him their theory of who his father was.

Just a side note, you use the word "cruel" in multiple ways (cruelest, cruelly, cruelties) in this one paragraph. I would suggest changing one or two to something like, "atrocious" or "sadistic". There are many synonyms for the word "cruel". Show us your vocabulary! :)
Something had been cruelly stolen from him and now at the age of fifteen he was about to risk his life to try and get back what he believed to be rightfully his.

However, he would have to wait until the end of the day.

“Gareth, Gareth,he spoke with an urgent whisper.

“What is it, Daniel?” Gareth had never been as energetic as Daniel

“Nothing friend, I’m sorry I woke you.” a while ago Gareth would have had a quip at this ridiculous conversation.

Now they were and yet it seemed that Gareth was now too old.

Maybe it's just me, but I pictured a bit of emphasis on the "too" here. If you agree, then put it in italics. :)

I really like where you seem to be going with this story, it definitely has a lot of potential. I especially like the preface (I'm guessing?), it's a fun point of view, even though it may be a bit wordy. I do agree that you tell more than you show, but I can't see too many places where you can replace the telling with showing if you're not wanting to change the first chapter around. The whole background on the mother seems a bit much, so if it's not absolutely necessary to the story in the first chapter, then I suggest telling us about her past later on in little pieces. I enjoy your type of writing and look forward to reviewing your next piece! Let me know when you post part two! :)

PM me with questions,
Rachael
"Everything has beauty, just not everyone sees it." -Jen Meyers





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Hey Quibbs! First off I wanna say that I enjoyed this. But can you try to space it up a little more?


I suppose, looking back, Daniel Romis was never a bad man. He wrote me throughout his time in prison and though I never replied, I always read the letters.

I like this, It catches the readers attention and holds it.

I would then tidy them away, pretending that the sentiments expressed within them didn’t mean anything to me. Now I can look back with objectivity I can see that Romis was nothing but an opportunist.

Nice use of words.

Some decisions you can never come back from; some action's effects are so great that they will cause repercussions for you for what seems like forever.

Again, nice use of wording but I made a few suggestions in red.

Daniel grew as a person during his façade, and it speaks to his credit that he never ran, never left his duties behind him. The man who served for Romis’ crimes did not commit them, however the body must pay for what it did, even if the person inside has changed. I will try, to the best of my ability to put to paper the account of Romis’ crimes. When the issue of authenticity comes up, I can only tell you that the emotions came from the man’s own letters. Some things I have researched myself, however I believe my account to be one hundred percent accurate, but you shall have to take my word for it all the same. I shall try as much as possible to not gloss over, nor condemn the man’s crimes. I leave it to you to judge from now on, the immorality or other of his crimes. And so I present to you…


I like this. But one question, is this suppose to be a prologue? If it is, Id leave that last sentence off and start a whole new chapter. Leave the reader waiting a bit and make thm want to turn the page...you get my meaning?

The Strange and Exciting Life of Daniel Romis

If its not a prologue, keep this, but if it is drop it.

The Man's Beginnings I'd put this in bold.
SPACE
Daniel Romis was born of Mary Estevez in Wythenshawe Workhouse, south of Manchester City centre in 1793. His mother Mary, an immigrant, was treated with suspicion by the workers in the cold, damp and moldy wooden workhouse, especially given that the boy Daniel had almost none of the South American features of his mother. A rumor quickly circulated among the workers that she was the runaway maid of the family who lived in the mansion a few miles away on Tatton ground. Wythenshawe Workhouse was named after their great hall and they where popular among the workers. So the male employees in the Workhouse quickly took it upon themselves to get the truth out of the ‘foreign whore’. Unfortunately all they managed to get themselves was an orphan. An Orphan who quickly became known as ‘remiss’, as there was something wrong with him, which the children began to also call him. The name eventually became Romis and so, in a way more convoluted and horrid than anyone would want to admit, Daniel(a name from his mother) Romis became a child worker in Wythenshawe Workhouse and the story proper can now begin.


Okay, so if this is a chapter, good, but try to drag it out a bit more, give a little more details, surprise the readers. Its kind of short, so I wouldnt call it a chapter, more like a part.

The Boy Escapes
A 15 year old Daniel woke up breathing heavily, having just escaped a nightmare he was having about the emptiness closing in all around him, with his old withered self well aware that he had achieved nothing in his life. Looking around the tightly packed room of boys with it’s peeling green brown walls and a window as dusty as the corners under the bedposts, Daniel had to admit that the only unlikely thing about his dream was that he would live to an old age.
A great many cruelties had befallen Daniel in the 15years since his birth, the murder of his mother by the people who were now his carers, the long hours of work he had been forced to complete and the beatings he had regularly received. However the cruelest things those who looked after him had done was to tell him their theory of who his father was. When he was younger, Daniel had been tortured by the hope that his father would one day come and save him from the horrid workhouse. Now older and more cynical, it just gave Daniel a belief that he was due a better life. Something had been cruelly stolen from him and now at the age of 15 he was about to risk his life to try and get back what he believed to be rightfully his.
However, he would have to wait until then end of the day. Workers were either offered jobs or turned out onto the street, penniless and destitute. Daniel though, was planning something rather more adventurous. Just one more day of work to get through and Daniel would be a rich man. He pattered slowly over to a bed on the other side of the room and shook another boy.
“Gareth, Gareth” He spoke with an urgent whisper.
Gareth stirred slowly and, eventually, opened his eyes. “What is it Daniel?” Gareth had never been as energetic as Daniel, not as hopeful. But, Romis noticed now how sunken his eyes had become in the last few weeks. They had once been a bright blue, but now they seemed watered down. He looked like he was permanently about to burst into tears. Daniel had a horrible image of his friend wasting away, the life slowly seeping out of him.
“Nothing friend, I’m sorry I woke you.” A while ago Gareth would have had a quip at this ridicules conversation. He would have at least have moaned at being woken. Instead, he wrapped his thin cover closer to his body and went to close his eyes. As he did, he glanced up at Daniel, looking at him with such gratitude that it broke Romis’ heart.

Shaken, Daniel stood up and walked out of the dormitory. He knew that his friend was dying, he had known it for a long time but today brought it into sharp focus. He was going to escape, that was the plan that him and Gareth had hatched together. They had needed to wait until they were both old enough. Now they were and yet it seemed that Gareth was now too old. Daniel wanted to be at his friend’s side at the end. He had a duty to be there for him. Thinking heavily Daniel wandered outside. The sun was just rising; pretty soon they’d all be woken for breakfast and Romis would have to sneak some porridge back into the dorm for Gareth. Staring at the vast open green land that surrounded the Workhouse Daniel realized that the world was waiting. He couldn’t wait another six months to escape. He knew he would have to escape today and with that he decided to do the first thing that he would regret for the rest of his life. There would be many more, but the first time is always special.


Try to space it up a bit more. This here looks more like a chapter, so thats good.

OVERALL:

Overall, I like it. It grabbed my attention and kept it. Keep up the good work and let me know when you post more.

-Eilin
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Spend your days thinking about things that are good and true and beautiful and noble, and you will become good and true and beautiful and noble.
— Matthew Kelly