Anything But Normal~Chapter Two

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I seemed to have forgotten how to scream. I could see that these two men were a threat, but I couldn’t utter a sound; I just stood there. I wondered what Aunt Stephanie would do if I didn’t come home. Call the police? No. If I knew anything about my aunt, it’s that she does things herself. She wouldn’t trust the police with this kind of thing.

And what about Seth? What would he do? Surely he would help my aunt find me.

"Elizabeth," someone said, interrupting my thoughts.

I looked over to the shorter and less muscular looking one. He was looking at me; appearing to be the one who had spoken. I shivered. There was something weird about his eyes. Then it clicked; I knew those eyes.

"You!" I said accusingly, recognizing the green eyes that belonged to the man known as James. The one who had bumped into me.

He looked at me with a hint of- what was it? - shame. “You need to listen to me.”

“Um, o-okay,” I said cautiously. "What do you want?"

“Well, you see, I need you to come with me.”

Not what I had expected at all. “Come with you? What are you talking about?”

“I need you to simply get in the car so that we,” he gestured his head towards the other guy that seemed impatient, “can take you to your house.”

“Take me to my house? You know…I’m gonna have to say no on this one, but thanks anyway.” I started to back up, wishing that my simple rejection would be good enough to make them leave me alone. But I knew it wasn’t going to be.

“Please, Elizabeth,” he pleaded. “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. Just get in the car. Please.”

I looked over at the man next to James. I assessed him; guessing that he was the same age as James, maybe younger, but looked a lot more intimidating. He had light blond hair and a very big build, with very powerful looking arms and legs. I could tell that he could outrun me and would most definitely beat me in a fist fight. There was no way that I would be getting away from these guys without them saying so, and I really doubted they would. Unless…

“Sorry, but I really can’t. You see, my aunt is very protective and wouldn’t like this whole…arrangement very much. I’m sure you can understand that, right, James?” I was using a very patronizing tone with him and I could tell that he had picked up on it. He stared at me, challenging me, but I wasn't fazed; I had regained my casual confidence.

“James…” the larger man whined. “Can’t we just grab her and go? I don’t see what the big deal is. Why can’t you, just…well, you know.” he implied.

Grab her and go? As if they could, I thought. But what was it that this guy wanted James to do?

“We’ve been over this, Jake. I don’t want to hear you bring it up again.” he retorted. “I don’t see why you’re in such a big hurry anyway.”

“Something just feels…oh, I don’t know. Just a bit off.” Jake looked around a bit uneasily.

“Right.” said James, doubtfully. “Well, we should be out of here in a bit.” he looked back over at me, expectantly.

“Ha. Not with me, you’re not.” I huffed. Jake gave him a look that said “I told you so.”

He sighed, frustrated and eventually, gave Jake a slight nod. Then, he looked at me, making direct eye contact. Now was the time. I had to do this now. I opened my mouth, conjuring up what I was going to say and focusing on that vibrant green, but that image was suddenly gone. Instead, it was replaced with another.

The inside of a building somewhere. A place I’ve never been before. But I wasn’t looking at the interior of this strange building anymore. No, my eyes found a girl. I guessed she was about two years older than me. She had the same shade of eye color that I had and a curious necklace around her neck. At the end of a black ribbon was a small vile filled with a scarlet liquid. She was too far away for me to make out the symbol on the vile, but I could definitely tell that there was something on it. I looked up to her face; she had noticed my fascination with her necklace. A menacing smile was upon her lips. Then she took a step towards me. And another. And another until she was directly in front of me. She fiddled with her necklace, with that same cold smile on her face. Then…it had all vanished as quickly as it had come.

I awoke in someone’s arms. “I’m sorry,” he said over and over again. He was gently shaking my arm. I looked up at James and noticed we weren't outside anymore. I looked past his face and all I could see was black. We were in the car that they had driven in behind me. I jerked up and away from him where we were both sitting in the backseat while Jake was driving. He was just starting to pull away from the sidewalk.

“Let me out!” I screamed. Hmm, I guess I do remember how to scream. “Let me out right now!” I tugged at the seat belt around my waist. It came undone.

“We can’t,” James said, trying to put my seat belt back around me. I resisted, pushing him away.

“Oh and why not?” I looked around. There was no way for me to get out of this two door car without folding the seat in front of me which would take too much time. They would have restrained me again by that time.

“Because we were ordered to.”

“Oh really? And who exactly ordered you to kidnap me?” I tried to keep my voice steady, but I didn’t feel very calm so it didn’t exactly sound right.

“Your aunt.”

“Ha ha! Sure she did.” I said doubtfully. “I’m sorry, but I think I need a little more than just your word.”

James pulled out his cell phone so quickly that I nearly jumped out the window, thinking it was a gun. I understood the meaning though.

“I have my own phone.” I looked around for a hint of that obnoxious yellow that contained my phone. For a second, I thought that they had left my purse along with all of my shopping bags back on the sidewalk until James said, “Your purse and your bags are in the trunk.” he offered me his cell phone again. I took it reluctantly and dialed the number. It only rang once before I heard a frantic voice on the other end.

“Have you gotten her, yet? I swear I’m going to kill you if you don’t, James.” she said.

“Aunt Stephanie,” I breathed.

“Elizabeth? Is that you?” she sounded surprisingly relieved. “Oh thank goodness! How are you? Where are James and Jake?”

“I’m guessing you know these guys, then?”

“Of course. I’m the one that sent them, aren’t I?”

“Well I guess I should feel a bit more relieved at hearing that. But first, why the heck did you send two guys to come and attack me while I was walking home?”

“Attack you?” she seemed confused, then angry. “Hand the phone over to James.”

I did so, and could immediately hear shouts emanating from the phone and saw James’ shocked expression.
“Well, what did you expect me to do?” he asked. “You told us to come and get her and she refused to come.”
After another minute of them bantering back and forth, he handed the phone back to me.

“I want you to cooperate with them. They are there because I told them to be. Please, don’t try to fight them or escape because they will just find you again. They are going to bring you back home and then I’ll explain everything to you. Okay?” Aunt Stephanie said to me out of the phone.

“Fine,” I agreed. “But, I still don’t understand why you let them attack me, or why they even came to get me in the first place.”

“Well, they weren’t supposed to force you to come,” she explained. “But you refused to listen, as always.”

“You know, normally, you would be happy that I didn’t listen to strangers that told me to get in their car. But if you would prefer that I do so from now on, then fine.”

“You’re right,” I could just tell that she was smiling on the other side of the phone. I smiled as well. “And, in answer to your second question, I will explain once you get here.”

The phone call ended. I didn't bother to look at James when he took the phone; the smile had left my face. I looked out the window, thinking things through. What had just happened? Aunt Stephanie told these guys to come get me. I really shouldn’t be surprised by that; I mean, it is Aunt Stephanie we’re talking about. But…what had happened back there on the sidewalk with James? I peaked at him from the corner of my eye and quickly looked back out the window. Who was that girl? How did I see her? What would have happened if I hadn’t woken up? If I ever was actually asleep…

“I know what you did back there.”

I jumped a bit. James had spoken. I turned to see that he was talking to me. What did he mean?

“What are you talking about?” I replied coldly.

He didn’t react to my tone. “Back at the store. Or should I say stores?” he emphasized on the last s.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I turned back to the window once again.

“Sure you do,” he persisted. “You stole a bunch of things today.”

“I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about, James. And I’m really not in the mood for you to constantly tell me that I’m lying when I’m not.”

“But you are lying.” He just doesn’t give up, does he? “I know you are.”

I turned to him again, starring at him harshly. “Oh really? Well then, by all means, enlighten me. How do you, supposedly, know I’m lying?”

“Because,” he continued. “We watched you.”

“You watched me? Watched me when?”

“After I ran into you. We saw everything.”

I gulped. I hadn’t expected him to have actually seen me stealing things. But I tried not to let it show. Too late. He had seen it in my eyes and a big grin had crossed his face.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell your aunt, even though she’s bound to find out eventually.” James said.

My aunt. What would she do if she found out? No doubt, ban me from going to any place selling any items of value ever again. Oh well. Not like I would listen anyways. A devious smile spread across my face and I was suddenly reminded of the girl that I had seen with the necklace. A slight shiver went through me, even though it was quite warm in the car. James had noticed. His grin was gone; he seemed to know what I was thinking about.

“Y-you,” I stuttered. “You did that to me. You made me see that girl. Didn’t you?”

He didn’t respond, he just looked the other way. “Didn’t you?” I repeated.

“Yes,” he breathed.

“How?”

He looked up at me. I didn’t want to look into his eyes again. I really didn’t want to see that nameless girl again. But I couldn’t resist the temptation to look into them. Nothing happened. At least, not yet, anyway.

“I’m like you.”

“You’re like me? How?”

“Well not exactly like you, but similar,” he tried to explain. I just stared at him, blank faced. He sighed. “I have magic like you do, just not the same kind.”
Last edited by rayhutch5 on Sun Mar 20, 2011 9:06 pm, edited 4 times in total.
"Everything has beauty, just not everyone sees it." -Jen Meyers





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Great! I read the first one
and so far loving it!!
Sorry I have no errors I found in here so
I can't really help you...
but I really like these
series ;D
<3
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Thanks, Summerlovee! No, you did help! Just letting me know that you like it helps a lot! :) I hope you get the chance to read the next chapter when I post it. :) Thanks!
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I seemed to have forgotten how to scream. I could see that these two men were a threat, but I couldn’t utter a sound; I just stood there. I wondered what Aunt Stephanie would do if I didn’t come home. Call the police? No. If I knew anything about my aunt, it’s that she does things herself. She wouldn’t trust the police with this kind of thing.

And what about Seth? What would he do? Surely he would help my aunt find me.

"Elizabeth," someone said, interrupting my thoughts.

I looked over to the shorter and less muscular looking one. He was looking at me; appearing to be the one who had spoken. I shivered. There was something weird about his eyes. Then it clicked; I knew those eyes.

"You!" I said accusingly, recognizing the green eyes that belonged to the man known as James. The one who had bumped into me.

He looked at me with a hint of- what was it? - shame. “You need to listen to me.”

“Um, o-okay,” I said cautiously. "What do you want?"

“Well, you see, I need you to come with me.”

Not what I had expected at all. “Come with you? What are you talking about?”

“I need you to simply get in the car so that we,” he gestured his head towards the other guy that seemed impatient, “can take you to your house.”

“Take me to my house? You know…I’m gonna have to say no on this one, but thanks anyway.”I’d start a new paragraph here I started to back up, wishing that my simple rejection would be good enough to make them leave me alone. But I knew it wasn’t going to be.

“Please, Elizabeth,” he pleaded. “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. Just get in the car. Please.”

I looked over at the man next to James. I assessed him; guessing that he was the same age as James, maybe younger, but looked a lot more intimidating. He had light blond hair and a very big build, with very powerful looking arms and legs. I could tell that he could outrun me and would most definitely beat me in a fist fight. There was no way that I would be getting away from these guys without them saying so, and I really doubted they would. Unless…

“Sorry, but I really can’t. You see, my aunt is very protective and wouldn’t like this whole…arrangement very much. I’m sure you can understand that,period. Right, James? right, James?” I was using a very patronizing tone with him and I could tell that he had picked up on it. He stared at me, challenging me, but I wasn't phased; I had regained my casual confidence.

“James…comma” the larger man whined. “Can’t we just grab her and go? I don’t see what the big deal is. Why can’t you, just…well, you know.comma” he implied.

Grab her and go? As if they could, I thought. I thought it was strange that she thought ’as if they could’ when she already said she thought the dude looked much stronger than her and would most definitely win in a fight. It‘s contradicting. But what was it that this guy wanted James to do?

“We’ve been over this, Jake. I don’t want to hear you bring it up again.comma” he retorted. comma“I don’t see why you’re in such a big hurry anyway.”

“Something just feels…oh, I don’t know. Just a bit off.” Jake looked around a bit uneasily.

“Right.comma” said James, doubtfully. comma“Well, we should be out of here in a bit.” He he looked back over at me,no comma expectantly.

“Ha. Not with me, you’re not.comma” I huffed. Jake gave him a look that said “I told you so.”

He sighed, frustrated and eventually, gave Jake a slight nod. He sighed heavily, and eventually gave Jake a slight nod. Then, he looked at me, making direct eye contact. Now was the time. I had to do this now. I opened my mouth, conjuring up what I was going to say and focusing on that vibrant green, but that image was suddenly gone. Instead, it was replaced with another.

The inside of a building somewhere. A place I’ve never been before. But I wasn’t looking at the interior of this strange building anymore. No, my eyes found a girl. I guessed she was about two years older than me. She had the same shade of eye color that I had and a curious necklace around her neck; a black ribbon with a small vile secured to the bottom, filled to the brim with a deep scarlet liquid. At the end of a black ribbon was a small vile filled with a scarlet liquid. She was too far away for me to make out the symbol on the vile, but I could definitely tell that there was something on it I don‘t like this sentence. If you were too far away to tell what it was, it would make more sense if she would just dismiss this detail. It‘s not exactly important at this moment.. I looked up to her face; she had noticed my fascination with her necklace. A menacing smile wasplayed upon her lips. Then she took a step towards me. And another. And another until she was directly in front of me. She fiddled with her necklace, with that same cold smile on her face. Then…it had all vanished as quickly as it had come. Suddenly, the vision vanished as quickly as it had come.

I don’t particularly like how this scene played out. The vision was so sudden that it felt confusing, and the description of the girl was very vague. You said she was two years older than the girl, but we don’t know how old the girl is to begin with. The only things you really tell us about her is her eye color, and the fact that she wears a necklace and has a cold villainous smile. This isn’t enough. I imagined her with pale skin and short yellow hair, wearing dark clothes, a petite, short figure, and a slightly giddy, strange expression. But that’s just what my mind chose. I’m sure your vision is much different.

I awoke in someone’s arms. “I’m sorry,” he said over and over again. He was gently shaking my arm. I looked up at James and noticed we weren't outside anymore. I looked past his face and all I could see was black. We were in the car that they had driven in behind me. I jerked up and away from him where we were both sitting in the backseat while Jake was driving. He was just starting to pull away from the sidewalk.

“Let me out!” I screamed. Hmm, I guess I do remember how to scream. “Let me out right now!” I tugged at the seat belt around my waist. It came undone.

“We can’t,” James said, trying to put my seat belt back around me. I resisted, pushing him away.

“Oh and why not?” I looked around. There was no way for me to get out of this two door car without folding the seat in front of me which would take too much time. They would have restrained me again by that time.

“Because we were ordered to.”

“Oh really? And who exactly ordered you to kidnap me?” I tried to keep my voice steady, but I didn’t feel very calm so it didn’t exactly sound right. I like this sentence

“Your aunt.”

“Ha ha! Sure she did.comma” I said doubtfully. comma“I’m sorry, but I think I need a little more than just your word.”

James pulled out his cell phone so quickly that I nearly jumped out the window, thinking it was a gun. Aha :) I understood the meaning though.

“I have my own phone.,” I muttered with vehemence. I don’t know, but this needs a dialogue tag that gives her reaction. She seemed pretty pissed off and defensive, so I’d go with something along those lines. I looked around for a hint of that obnoxious yellow that contained my phone. That obnoxious yellow? Why not ’my obnoxious yellow bag’? For a second, I thought that they had left my purse along with all of my shopping bags back on the sidewalk until James finally said, “Your purse and your bags are in the trunk comma” heand offered me his cell phone again. I tooksnatched it reluctantly and punched in dialed the number. It only rang once before I heard a frantic voice on the other end.

“Have you gotten her, no comma yet? I swear I’m going to kill you if you don’t, James.comma” she said. came my aunt’s voice.

“Aunt Stephanie,” I breathed. said darkly.

“Elizabeth? Is that you?” She she sounded surprisingly relieved. “Oh thank goodness! How are you? Where are James and Jake?”

“I’m guessing you know these guys, then?”

“Of course. I’m the one that sent them, aren’t I?”

“Well I guess I should feel a bit more relieved at hearing that. But no comma first, why the heck did you send two guys to come and attack me while I was walking home?”

“Attack you?” She she seemed confused, then angry. “Hand the phone over to James.”

I did so, and could immediately heard shouts emanating from the phone period. I nearly laughed out loud at the shocked look in James’s expression. and saw James’ shocked expression.
“Well, what did you expect me to do?” he asked. More description than asked. Was he mad? If so, say ’barked’. If he was frustrated, say ’argued’ “You told us to come and get her and she refused to come.”
After another minute of them bantering back and forth bantering,no comma he handed the phone back to me.

“I want you to cooperate with them. They are there because I told them to be. Please, don’t try to fight them or escape because they will just find you again. They are going to bring you back home and then I’ll explain everything to you. Okay?” Aunt Stephanie said to me out of the phone. This is unnecessary; obviously she’s talking through the phone.

“Fine,” I agreed. no comma “But, no comma I still don’t understand why you let them attack me,or why they even came to get me in the first place.”

“Well, they weren’t supposed to force it sounds like this word was emphasized when she was talking, so you should put it in italics. If I’m wrong, you’re good. you to come,” she explained. comma “but you refused to listen, as always.”

“You know, normally, no comma you would be happy that I didn’t listen to strangers that told me to get in their car. But if you would prefer that I do so from now on, then fine.” haha, this is great ;)

“You’re right,” I could just tell that she was smiling on the other side of the phone. I smiled as well. “And, in answer to your second question, I will explain once you get here.” I think it’s really weird that given their situation and her rocky relationship with her mother that she would smile. Seriously, if you were in such bad terms with your mother that you needed to be fetched by complete strangers to be herded back home, I doubt you’d be able to joke with her.

The phone call ended. I didn't bother to look at James when he took the phone; period the smile had left my face. I looked out the window, thinking things through. What had just happened? Aunt Stephanie told these guys to come get me. I really shouldn’t be surprised by that; I mean, it is Aunt Stephanie we’re talking about. But…what had happened back there on the sidewalk with James? I peaked peeked at him from the corner of my eye and quickly looked back out the window. Who was that girl? How did I see her? What would have happened if I hadn’t woken up? If I ever was actually asleep…

“I know what you did back there.”

I jumped a bit at James‘s words. James had spoken. I turned to see that he was talking to me. What did he mean?

“What are you talking about?” I replied coldly.

He didn’t react to my tone. “Back at the store. Or should I say stores?” he emphasized on the last s.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I turned back to the window once again.

“Sure you do,” he persisted. comma “You stole a bunch of things today.”

“I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about, James. And I’m really not in the mood for you to constantly tell me that I’m lying when I’m not.”

“But you are lying.comma” He just doesn’t give up, does he? “I know you are.”

I turned to him again, starring at him harshly. “Oh really? Well then, by all means, enlighten me.! How do you, supposedly, know I’m lying?”

“Because,” he continued.comma “We watched you.”

“You watched me? Watched me when?”

“After I ran into you. We saw everything.”

I gulped. I hadn’t expected him to have actually seen me stealing things. But I tried not to let it show. Too late. He had seen it in my eyes and a big grin had crossed his face.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell your aunt, even though she’s bound to find out eventually.comma” James said.

My aunt. What would she do if she found out? No doubt, ban me from going to any place selling any items of value ever again.This sentence sounds awkward. Make it simpler. Probably ban me from ever leaving the house again. Oh well. Not like I would listen anyways. A devious smile spread across my face and I was suddenly reminded of the girl that I had seen with the necklace. A slight shiver went through me, even though it was quite warm in the car. This phrase is sorely overused in just about every story. ‘I shivered, even though it wasn’t cold.‘ I mean, how many time have you heard it before? A bajillion, that’s how many. James had noticed. His grin was gone; he seemed to know what I was thinking about.

“Y-you,” I stuttered comma “You did that to me. You made me see that girl. Didn’t you?”

He didn’t respond, he just looked the other way. “Didn’t you?” I repeated.

“Yes,” he breathed.

“How?”

He looked up at me. I didn’t want to look into his eyes again. I really didn’t want to see that nameless girl again. But I couldn’t resist the temptation to look into them. Nothing happened. At least, not yet, anyway.

“I’m like you.”

“You’re like me? How?”

“Well not exactly like you, but similar,” he tried to explain. I just stared at him, blank faced. He sighed. “I have magic like you do, just not the same kind.”


Nice cliffhanger, again.

I’m confused about the magic part of this story, but I’m guessing it’ll all be explained in the next chapter. I imagine that the girl’s magic has something to do with manipulating people’s minds, hence why she can convince store clerks to give her whatever she wants. As for this dudes powers, all I can tell is that he can make people see frightening images of psychopath women.

I really like your dialogue! It’s hard for me to find dialogue and characters that I think are interesting, but I think Elizabeth is great. Her character acts very much like a rebellious teenager, without all the drama. You had a few lines here that I thought were really clever and funny. I don’t say that often ;)

I do like that you showed more of her mom in this, but she seems like a really strange character to me. What kind of mom calls a secret team of I don’t know, spy people, to find her rebellious, missing daughter? It’s just weird. And would never happen. Unless there’s some crazy explanation for it in the next chapter (her mom did say she’d explain later) it’s unrealistic.

I’m not sure if I like James. He’s too… perfect? Like the tall dark and handsome hero that is so easy to fall in love with but has no personality or humor whatsoever. It’s still to early to judge on most this stuff, but I’m just giving you my impression thus far. Your pace is excellent; you’ve got the perfect length to your chapters, and the plot doesn’t seem rushed.

Oh, one last comment, and this is just my opinion, but I really don’t like their names. They are just so common. Elizabeth doesn’t seem to fit for your main character. I mean, it seems like her mom might name her that, but Elizabeth doesn’t seem like the kind of person that would like keeping such a name. She might go along a nickname like Liz or Eliza because she thinks it sounds cooler. Or maybe because the four syllables are just too much. And James is also pretty standard. But at least it fits his slightly boring, stoic character. Just some food for thought. It can be hard to change names once you already pegged the characters to them, so it’s up to you.

I’m giving you a few links on punctuation that have really helped me. Hopefully you’ll find them useful!

topic19162.html

topic43660.html

topic44898.html

If you haven't checked out the Writing Resources section here on YWS, it's well worth a visit. I use it all the time :)

http://youngwriterssociety.com/forum320.html

Let me know if any of those helped :)
Have an awesome day,
~blacksheep
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The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
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Awesome review, blacksheep! Thanks so much for all of your help! I've always had a problem with commas, so the tips and links are really helpful! I'll make sure to put your review to good use! :) -RayHutch
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Hi! Sorry this took so long. Anyway, I decided to skip to the next part since I thought it would be more helpful to you. I'm also going to skip pointing out typos and stuff since this is a long work and you won't be worrying about that 'till much later anyway. Right now I'm waiting to catch a boat, so this may seem a little rushed, for which I apologize in advance.

So. I like how the plot is progressing so far—you've jumped more or less right into the action, and we're getting to know the characters as well. I think you're off to a good start there. However, I did see some problems that I thought I'd mention.

1. Those men. They pop out of nowhere. Which is ok, but most people don't immediately jump into panic mode when they see people. Besides, it might up the suspense a little if you let her get worried slowly, maybe when they follow her. You mentioned that "somehow, she just knew" and this is good--maybe she has something that we don't know about. But you need to elaborate on why they are suspicious.

2. Info-dropping. To be honest, I didn't really like the way you introduced the whole magic thing. Reactions in fantasies are hard. You want her to be surprised when some new development happens, but at the moment it's sounding very forced. You need to really know your characters. Which brings me to the next point.

3. Consistency. In the beginning, I just thought Elizabeth was self-centered. Now she's also willful, reckless, and ego-centric. Which is kindof a lot, for one person. I also feel like you haven't really decided what her personality is, which is making her reactions sound wooden. When she talks, it could be anyone. Her emotions are rocketing back and forth rather a lot as well—first she's afraid, then she's indignant, then she's bossy, and so forth. This could be ok, but you need some explanation. The same thing goes for the other characters--I can't put my finger on them yet, and that's a problem. You want us to be attached to your charrys from the get-go, and you also want us to remember them. It's been a few days since I first read this, and until now, I'd forgotten everything about all of them except Elizabeth. Something to think about. :)

4. Redundancy. You're spending too much time (IMO) on their arguments. After a certain amount, it stops being effective and we just get bored. Same with too much dialogue in general, actually. To be honest, I found this chapter to drag on a bit, and I think that's why—the characters are dithering a bit too much and it made it very tempting to skim. You have plenty of action to use. So, use it! Add a little more excitement, a little more emotion.

Darn! I have to go. Ok, those are a lot of (admittedly briefly mentioned) points to work on as you write or when you edit. All in all, I'm still liking this. Let me know if you want me to elaborate on anything I've mentioned, and please also PM me when you post the next bit. I'm looking forward to it. :D

Also, I dunno if I forgot to say this before, but a belated welcome to YWS is in order. :D It seems like you're already adjusted just fine, but still, let me know if you ever need anything.

See you around!

Lupis




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Thanks, Lupis! The review is much appreciated! I'll definitely keep those things in mind when I go back and edit this! Thanks so much! :)
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Brutality? I don't know if you can handle it ;D. Of course, if you're willing to not be completely destroyed by my lack of heart, I could always oblige that wish one of these days!

Of course, I'm Canadian so the whole 'lack of heart' thing is a complete joke. But I can take it up a notch if you should like for later chapters!

But, guess what? Thats right. You have a long enough chapter now for me to do my special review of godly awesomeness ;D. And so it begins, ne?

Right, my reviews contain five sections. Grammar and Punctuation/nit-picks, Plot, Characterization, Setting and Description, and my Overall/Analysis!

Grammar and Punctuation/nitpicks:

I could see that these two men were a threat, but I couldn’t utter a sound; I just stood there.


Heres a personal opinion. Try not to have a semicolon in the first paragraph. Its distracting. Secondly, the 'I could but couldn't' idea is cool but the words used were not so much. We get the idea. So don't reuse the word 'could' in a sentence, even if its the negative version. Or any word for that matter.

Call the police? No. If I knew anything about my aunt, it’s that she does things herself. She wouldn’t trust the police with this kind of thing.


Firstly, if she has time to call the police and think about her aunts reaction, then she has enough time to book it the hell out of there. I would get rid of this part completely.

“Please, Elizabeth,” he pleaded. “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. Just get in the car. Please.”


Take out the second please. That and I'm really loving this. Its so... different than what I expected!

He had light blond hair and a very big build, with very powerful looking arms and legs.


You use the word 'very' thrice in this sentence. I would reword.

“Something just feels…oh, I don’t know. Just a bit off.” Jake looked around a bit uneasily.


This line actually made me laugh out loud. It juxtaposes the situation... shes the one who should be feeling uneasy and telling them to eff off, yet the one whose trying to kidnap her is the one whose uneasy!

She had the same shade of eye color that I had and a curious necklace around her neck.


Change neck to throat. Its too repetitive with necklace whilst throat gives an interesting feel.

“But you are lying.” He just doesn’t give up, does he? “I know you are.”


You have a reoccuring problem with your tensing. Try and keep it all in one tense, even thoughts. That way you wont have this problem so much. That and the best tense is the past tense. It's the easiest to write and the most enjoyable to read even in first person.

I hadn’t expected him to have actually seen me stealing things. But I tried not to let it show. Too late. He had seen it in my eyes and a big grin had crossed his face.


You like to jump the gun a lot in your plotlines.

Try and slow it down! Like I said in prior reviews, if you want to make this novel into a living, breathing creation, you're going to have to slow down and make it worth the while, kay?

“Y-you,” I stuttered. “You did that to me. You made me see that girl. Didn’t you?”


This is a little static only because of the overassuming nature of the dialogue. Its just a bit... too random for my tastes.

And that ends that section! Now onto Setting and Description!

Setting and Description:

You lacked this. I'm not trying to be cruel or mean, but as a person who wants you to grow as a writer for your plotline and your passion makes me know there is something good coming from the younger generations, I will say what I think needs to be heard. That being said, you really need to flesh this story up.

We have a lot of things happen in a very short amount of time. You're overdoing it for the reader. Slow things down. Give us a bit of character developement. Even if its a washroom break at the last store while she was washing her hands. Little things like that bring opportunities for character developement that is so necessary and so indispensible to a novel. If you want your characters to be full and rounded, then I suggest you work on your description.

Setting is also very necessary because it helps the reader understand and picture. You want to give the full story. Not just a faded copy of what you think is all we really 'need' to know.

Plot:

Thumbs up in this section. I can't even explain how excited I am to read more. Only thing I have to say is slow it down a bit.

Character Developement:

If you slowed it down, you would have well rounded characters.

Characters are formed by time and effort. Plot helps, yes, but so does description and dialogue. Your dialogue, which I have mentioned a few times before, can be very static in some areas which leads to characters who seem silly and socially awkward. You want witty, humorous characters. I can see that in the good sentences you put forth. What I think I would have loved to have seen was more character developement on James' side. Maybe write his and Elizabeth's walk to the store. Give us an interesting conversation. Show that this guy, by all means, really isn't that bad of a guy, and if he's the main love interest, make that known too by having your character think hes beautiful.

Emotion is so necessary and so indispensible in a novel too that I can't stress it enough. Without emotion you have merely a telling of events. Without emotion, your body cannot function. Give all your characters ample emotions. Did his eyes sparkle and make her daze out? Did the moment he jumped out of the car make her feel angry and betrayed? I sure as hell would feel like that.

And emotion is fun to write to! Its so easy and flowing. You just need to calm down the plot and give everything a one over. When you second draft this, I'm sure all of that will come out.

Overall:

You have so much potential it actually slays me. I'm so excited to see you grow and prosper, its ridiculous. Keep trying. keep getting better. I can't wait to read more!

That and you rarely mention Elizabeth's name so that makes it easier ;D

~Dreamwalker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S




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Points 1325
Reviews 57
Dreamwalker, you're at it once again! I cannot even explain how much you've helped me out on this piece, but also how you've helped me as a writer. I will most definitely keep everything you said in mind when I start my second draft. Thank you so much!

Rachael :D
"Everything has beauty, just not everyone sees it." -Jen Meyers




Remember, a stranger once told you that the breeze here is something worth writing poems about.
— Shinji Moon