Flicker Divide - prologue

Okay so I really love the idea of this story and I'm thinking up a plot but I'm not so sure on it. Tell me if you'd like to read more

~Tinkem

"Once, the Elves lived in unity; at peace with the eight worlds. They dwelled upon the fith world, Elfederwelt and kept the peace between the other seven worlds around them: Menn, Aesir, Vanir, Jötnar, Náir, Ice and Fire. The only peace they failed to keep, was between themselves." Nimrhyahel whispered sofltly to the drowsy child.

"Two very different types of Elves lived on Elfederwelt. There was the Elves of the Sun, and then there was the Elves of the Moon. Each were kind and beautiful beings, but they both had their own, different ideas. That was how it began. The arguments. The fights. Never comprimising." Vercalaviamil added, his passioned eyes reflected in the blazing fire place.

A burning hatred, a terrible misunderstanding, a divide. It tore their world apart.
"And then after many years of feud, the unthinkable happened. There was a war between those who stopped them. A fight with those who kept the peace. A battle to the death."

"The Moon Elves...They lost, didn't they?" The child asked, his large violet eyes welling up with tears.

"Yes, yes they did Irafirael..." Vercalaviamil answered, his voice breaking,

"but it wasn't our fault!"

"Th-then why-"

"Shush Irafirael; we're getting there." Nimrhyahel soothed, holding his hand in hers.

"Once the Moon Elves had been defeated things... Changed. All dignity the Moon Elves had left was gone. At the discretion of the Gods on Aesir and Vanir, their title was taken, and changed to the Dark Elves," he spat.

"The renamed Light Elves believed that the Dark Elves only lived for evil, mischief and pain. Soon every world believed this too, and made the desicion to cast the Dark Elves away from their homeworld, and forcing them to reside in Svartálfar, a world mutated from the maggot of Yimr, the founding Frost Giant." Vercalaviamil finished.

A frown appeared on Irafirael's face as he burried under the blanket. A small tear escaped his eye, as he hugged Nimrhyahel and Vercalaviamil.

"It won't happen again though?" he asked worriedly, "You'll both look after me?" his pleading eyes looked up at them innocently.

"Yes." Nim said simply as she tucked him in, "yes we will."


Every one of them lived in fear.

Okay, this HAS to be inspired by Norse mythology... Dark Elves and Light Elves? Eight worlds? Frost giants? Cool XD

But onto reviewing...

At the beginning I was under the impression that there was two people; an older relative... a parent, or grandparent, or aunt, or uncle, talking to a child, telling him a story of his heritage... but then you mention a third person... I'd have made it clear earlier that there is a third person, because I was sort of confused... I think it was his mom and dad, but I wasn't sure...

A burning hatred, a terrible misunderstanding, a divide. It tore their world apart.

Is someone talking here? Or is it what someone's thinking? I would verify...

"but it wasn't our fault!"

First of all, "but" should be capitalized. Also, I don't know who's talking here...

The names were sort of difficult to read... but I guess that isn't a bad thing, necessarily…

I found this interesting, and I'd be interested to read more... I <3 Norse mythology XD
--
Tabby

I think this story is starting out very interestingly. I liked how you started with the story of how it all started and how two people were telling the side of the story. I think it's also interesting the way you said the Moon Elves where thought of as evil by everyone. It's sort of like getting the "villains" side to the story.
The only thing I have a problem with is the names because they're so long and I have absolutely no idea how to pronounce them pahahahaha. But since that's nothing huge, it's fine.
I seriously thing this story is very well written and I enjoy it
Please continue with this!

TWELVE?!?! YOU'RE TWELVE?!?!?!?! Oh my. I am seriously impressed.

Haha yes, I am twelve. And it is based on North mythology, I was looking to do a fantasy that wasn't on the cliche vampire/werewolf thing. The names are words that describe their personality in Norse type language

~Tinkem

First off, I'll just say that I don't really have a clear grasp on what's going on in the Prologue. I reread it at least three times. I'll admit that I have no knowledge of North mythology, so I'll try to speak my opinion on it without seeming too troublesome. Second, I can't really actually tell if I like it or not. I like-no, love(!) how the story is very different, but I can't really 'hop in the story', if you know what I mean; to actually see myself being able to read on and explore further. But I can't.

"Once, the Elves lived in unity; at peace with the eight worlds. They dwelled upon the fith world, Elfederwelt and kept the peace between the other seven worlds around them: Menn, Aesir, Vanir, J�tnar, N�ir, Ice and Fire.

I'd rather not really look up North Myth, so I'd try to ask you, as you are author. Before my main question on that, did you make up these worlds, or are these based off of somewhere else?

..Yeah, I should look this up beforehand. (After a couple of minutes of slow skimming on Wikipedia. Lol.) Okay. I can totally see why anyone would write something based off of this. Very cool. A point on the scoreboard for your favor.

Ahem. Anyway, may you please explain to me; if there are 8 worlds, how come only 2 of them are named after elements? It kind of jumps at me, and makes me question it.

A burning hatred, a terrible misunderstanding, a divide. It tore their world apart.

This confuses me. Is it a thought? Is someone speaking, maybe some sort of god is listening in their story? I don't know.

"but it wasn't our fault!"

The 'B' should be capitalized. I'm sure someone else already said that, though.

As I'm rereading it again, I can't help but see that I don't understand just what is happening here. (Yes, I'm probably repeating myself a lot, but I hope you get my point.) I do know that someone is telling a story of war. But, that's pretty much it. It would make sense if the narrator was telling, but the story telling gives it a more interesting way to looking at it. Which is good, but unless you can make it easier to understand and simpler to be able to figure what's going on, I'd say that it's cramping the story.

I'd suggest you set a setting, at least. I don't know where they are exactly; somewhere with a blanket, and is perhaps a place where it can be habitable, is what I can so far tell.

Next, would be that I don't know who, no, what the characters are at least. I'd like to guess that they're elves, but you've never properly stated so. I think that there should be a bit more description concerning them as well, appearance-wise. I can see that you did write a sentence on that:

"The Moon Elves...They lost, didn't they?" The child asked, his large violet eyes welling up with tears

, and that's pretty much it.

But other than that, I can only picture 'somewhat human things' with long, complicated names with an interesting story to tell. I apologize if I seem harsh, or if I appear to be bossing at you on what to do and what not to do.

But I'd like to believe that this has tons of potential! Tons! But I cannot even understand what's really going on. Either that, or I'm stupid. I'd rather not think the latter.

Every one of them lived in fear.

This was a good ending. I'll admit that. But it's of not much use if I cannot see the story that looks good with it.
-

As a twelve year old, I'd say that you're probably still working at it. But you still have room for promise, and I hope that you can take my review seriously. I'm not that much older than you, but I want to say this as a fellow writer.

.
.
.
Wow. That's some long review, huh? .__. And lots of 'but'.

Hi Tinkem! :) I think that this idea is really good! You should definitely keep writing it because I really want to see where you go with this! :) Also, for the plot, maybe you could have a war go on between the Moon Elves and the Sun Elves; the Moon Elves could possibly be fighting for their title? Here are a few nitpicks:

There was the Elves of the Sun, and then there was the Elves of the Moon.

Should be, "there were".

Vercalaviamil added, his passioned eyes reflected in the blazing fire place.

Did you mean "passionate"? Also, fireplace is one word. :)

A burning hatred, a terrible misunderstanding, a divide. It tore their world apart.

As some of the other reviewers mentioned, this sentence is a bit confusing. Is this a thought?

"The Moon Elves...They lost, didn't they?" The child asked,

Remember that the "t" should be lowercase. If you need more help on this matter, check out this:http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic44898.html

Vercalaviamil answered, his voice breaking,

Should be a period.

"but it wasn't our fault!"

Uppercase "B". :) I'm also a bit confused as to who is talking here. You might want to clarify.

Great job on this! I cannot believe that you're only twelve; I know writers that are twice your age and you still write better than them! Superb writing! :) If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me. Hope I helped! :) -Rachael