Charlie The Cheat

Spoiler

Well, sorry it's been a long time but here is my fourth 'Poem With A Moral'!

Any feedback is appreciated.

Enjoy!
-Sop-

Now Charlie McNally seemed awfully smart,
Superb marks in everything from Science to Art.
This wasn’t achieved by tense weeks in labour,
But by a quick glance at the work of his neighbour.

For this cheeky lad was a deceitful, sly cheat,
Who fooled all the teachers and craved to compete
With the kids in his class who had genuine talent,
Charlie had to be top, triumphant and gallant.

A young girl named Betty sat next to the crook,
Noticed his peeking, so covered her book.
But this swift attempt was not a success,
As Charlie pinched her work during recess.

Betty soon realised and began to regret,
Not guarding her work carefully from the cruel teacher’s pet.
Her blood boiled with rage, she needed to find,
A plan to exploit what went on in his mind.

She crafted together a page of false fact,
Which would prove that his fortune was all a big act.
‘Rome is in Russia, two plus nought equals one,
Pineapple’s are vegetables and so on, so on!’

Betty placed the answers within the boy’s sight,
And in their next lesson he grinned with delight.
A whole list of answers just waiting for a clone,
A trap in reality, if only he’d known.

Once he had copied every last word,
His teacher read the essay and hollered, ‘ABSURD!’
Charlie flushed bright red, he started to wail,
And his classmates just giggled and chanted, ‘You fail!’

The boy finally felt how his class had been treated,
Oh how it hurt to be jealous and cheated.
He was moved to the corner, isolated and alone.
And from that day onward Charlie worked on his own.

I liked it, most poems I read are all dark. But this one was very light and nice to read. Nice job!

Hey Sop!

So normally my poetry reviews are tedious nit picks and advice about how to sound more professional, but I don't think you need that for this particular piece. So I'm going to do something out of my ordinary and just give you lots of praise!

I really liked this, and as an education major, I would love to read this to my kids one day in class--I think they'd love it! You do a really good job of not forcing your rhymes, which can be pretty dang tough to do very often! The major thing I would advise you about is using correct punctuation and capitalization! You don't need to end your lines with commas, and not every line needs a capital letter. In fact, if you try writing it like a normal story that happens to rhyme and have rhythm (and line breaks), then your punctuation will be closer to perfect--and professional!

But like I said--I don't have many quips with this at all! Great job, and keep at it.

-Lumi

Thank you!!!

I too thoroughly enjoyed this! The rhyming scheme never felt forced so the flow of the poem was very consistent. I have only a few minor nit picks...

This wasn’t achieved by tense weeks inof labour,

Not guarding her work carefully from the cruel teacher’s pet.

This line feels a tad too long, it's the only one in the entire poem that feels too much. Keep the essence of it, just shorten it slightly.

‘Rome is in Russia, two plus nought equals one,
Pineapple’s are vegetables and so on, so on!’

BRILLIANT

Betty placed the answers within the boy’s sight,
And in their next lesson he grinned with I'd add an adjective in here.delight.

A trap in reality, if only he’d known.

Though in reality, a trap - if only he'd known

Seriously though, amazing poem! Great moral too. Never stop writing - EVER!

-Amie

Lol, this was really good. I imagined, for some straaange reason, two little turtles. One had a mohawk, and the other had blonde pig tails. I imagined the turtle cheating with his tounge out of his mouth. SO, if you ever draw this out into a book, make it with turtles

-WU

I loved this! it reminded me of so many people I know. Defiantly keep writing!

I vote with WritersUnleashed. Draw it with turtles. Seriously though, this was cool. It made me laugh. Poor Charlie, he was such a mean kid. That could be wonderful to show other kids. I liked how it flowed so well and you never seemed to force the rhyme. I would fix capitalization and punctuation, but that's it. I agree with some of my predecessors, some lines are too long and some are two short, but you're good to me. Good job, I have to add this now to my reading list.

Hey, Sophs! (Is it okay if I call you that?)

I'm just going to come straight out of my (cardboard ) box and say I thoroughly enjoyed this little poem. It reminded me of the times back when teachers still had canes and boys kept their hair cropped short and their socks pulled up to their knees. I am unsure if this is what I was supposed to imagine, though

I just have one little nitpick-

The boy finally felt how his class had been treated,
Oh, how it hurt to be jealous and cheated.

I think the word "hurt" should be really emphasised here.

I'll conclude with another praise: not many people can pull off this style of poetry successfully, and I believe you did.
That is all.
-Maddy

Cheers for the lovely comments, everyone! Do check out my other 'Poems With Morals'.

I read your last one, and I loved it. I read this one, and I loved it. You would really be a great prose writer, I think. The "Rome is in Russia" part was probably my favorite part in this poem, and overall your wording and voice, as before were excellent. Keep up the good work!
-Alex

This is awesome! I love it, mainly because it's a story, has a moral, has unforced rhyme, AND it's well-written and easy to read and imagine! Gonna check out your other work now...

This poem made me laugh! It definitely does have a prominent moral, "Don't cheat!" or maybe.. "What goes around comes around!"

All of your poems make me laugh. I like this because you rhyme really good.

Hi Sopster01,

Honestly, I can't critique this...it's too good! So here I shall babble on about how loveable it was! So you can totally ignore this so-called "review".

An incredible poem! This has to be one of the best narrative poems I've read on the site, or EVER in fact! It was a good length, and you got straight to the point with your poem, which also had a good moral. I loved the rhyming in this! It was so perfect! It was playful and light and humorous, fitting the poem beautifully. You captured the true character and essence of this poem, well done doesn't quite cover it, does it?

I can't wait to read some more of your work! Best wishes for future writing!

Miyakko.