Prayers

Spoiler

Hey, I'm not sure how realistic the voices are. That's really what I'm worried about, but I'll take any other advice, of course. Thanks.
Jenna- This is not from personal situations but friends of friends experiences. I have been lucky. These people have not. Please keep them in your prayers. The characters may be a little false since I didn't know them enough to know what they are truly like but all the facts on the disease and situation outside of personality is truth.
And, yeah, the second one is a prayer, but it's more of a questioning of faith than a "Please help..." I felt like I should try to show both perspectives of total believer and someone who is now wondering if there really is a God.

Hi,
Mommy's already prayed with me today. Bless my family. Help those less fortunate than ourselves... You know. This is from me though, just me. I think, if I let her know about this, she would start crying, and I don't like that.
Today, she kept looking at me and ruffling my hair. She kept saying she loved me. It's the weekend, you know, so I was eating lunch with her. Daddy was at work.
Daddy has this disease called... ep-ep-epi-epilassy, I think. Mommy says it makes him have “episodes.” I haven't actually seem him have an “episode” since he takes medicine, but Mommy says it's triggered by stress.
Anyway, the last few nights I've been woken up by scary noises coming from Mommy and Daddy's bedroom. Mommy always comes out and then goes back.
Today, I asked her about it, and her face got really sad. The only face worse is her made face.. She started talking about her mommy.
I haven't met her because she left to be with You before I was born. Her name's Isabella if you want to check on her for me.
Mommy asked if she had ever told me how Grandma Isabella died.
I told her her no. I was wondering what Grandma Isabella had to do with Daddy but didn't ask.
Grandma Isabella died of a disease called cancer. Of course, I had heard of that.
Mommy said that's what the pink ribbon on people's shirts and cars and stuff means, but only if it's breast cancer.
Mommy said that cancer can be genetic or the chance that you might catch it is passed from mommy to daughter. She said she had tried to be careful. She said she had been good at checking for it. She said you can't be sure of anything. She said she had cancer, that things would probably change a lot.
Daddy's been really stressed lately. All this stress because of the cancer has triggered Daddy's “episodes” except Mommy said si-see-sezures.
Help Daddy. I know his “episodes” aren't good. Help Mommy. I still don't really know what's going on, but I don't want to have to tell my daughter about my mommy. I want to let my daughter see how great my mommy is.
Mommy says You can heal anything, so maybe you'll heal her soon.
Amen, Emma
. . .
Why?
That's right. I'm asking you a question up front. Aunt Sharon told me all we can do is trust You and pray that things will work out all right, that You always have a reason.
But I don't want to pray about things "working out", and honestly, I don't see how I can trust you now. I just want to know why. What reason could You possibly have for taking my mom?
She was always happy and singing. Anything she could do for anyone was done at the question. She's better than my good-for-nothing dad who can't bother himself enough to visit. Why not take him? The world would be better without him.
Why did you make her with a birth defect? If You really know what we look like, what we'll be, why make her warped? Why not fix her if you knew? Just connect the stomach and the esophagus. Easy for You.
If not that then why couldn't you make the surgery fixing it work until she had fully lived out her life? Why did you let stomach acid seep into her lungs?
She'd been coughing forever, coughing up what she thought was phlegm. “Darn allergies,” she would laugh and continue to sing. But it wasn't phlegm. It was digested lung. Yeah, gives “coughing up a lung” a new meaning. I know.
We found out though. She was put on the organ transplant list, and we had hope. She didn't sing much anymore; she didn't have the breath.
Why did you let her get pneumonia? Why'd you let her get taken off the list, deemed unfit for transplant?
I still remember tripping over that tube snaking through the house, her line to life, to oxygen. She didn't sing at all.
Headaches. One of the last thing you would think was related to digested lung. She went to the doctor for headaches, and she was admitted to the hospital for carbon dioxide poisoning. She was talking air in, just not letting it out. The next week... she died.
Now Dad's in the state, but doesn't really seem to care about any of this. Mom didn't write any will or anything in case she died. Where am I going to go? Where is my brother going to go? Aunt Sharon or the grandparents? How the hell should I know? Supposedly, You do, unless this is some big game to You.
I'm so tired. Oddly enough, I'm tired of being mad. Aunt Sharon, she's so religious, but she may have a point. Maybe, things are easier if I trust someone, if I trust You. I mean, life was easy when I trusted Mom.
Maybe, I'll start...

Hey Meg!
I don't think you have anything to worry about. All of the voices sounded real (as someone would say them). I loved the message this piece had. Believing is easy until things in your life actually start falling apart.

While reading it I did not find any edits or any thing major that needed changes. I did have one question though. I know the first part of the piece was a prayer, but was the second part a prayer too? Or was the character just talking? I also hope that this was not written from experience, because that would be awful! But if it is, you will be in my prayers.

Very nicely written! Keep it up and PM me when you post again!
-Jessa

Hi, Meg!

I found this very sad. =( Adorably sad when reading the first part. Still sad though! I think you were successful in developing a tone here, so yay! There are a couple spelling mistakes that will be easy to find when editing. I think the difference from innocence to rebellious was very well done! There is a clear difference in tone, and I think I liked the first part a lot more just because most of the thoughts that the child comes up with seem so real. More on this later.

I was confused as to how abrupt the change in voice was from the first part to the second. I don't think they're the same person, but when I don't think about it too much, it seems like it's supposed to be. The first part is very childish right next to the second though, so I assume these are two different people. However, even if that were true, I got very lost as to who each person was in relation to the person who died. I'm not sure if grandma died, if mom died, or if those people the same person? Or perhaps the second part is a blast into the future and mom died. I'm not sure! I got lost as to who was who and what was going on.

I think your two voices, which are your main concern, were very prominent. Definitely a difference between the two! I think there was too much explaining as to what these diseases are like they're writing letters to someone that's not God. Maybe it's their way of saying 'God, you don't know what you're doing. This disease is so bad because ... so thanks for ruining my life with your incompetence.' Buuut I don't think the little kid in the first part would think that, and there was much explaining. (Also, lots of "Mommy said this" and "Mommy said that" going on. Very distracting!)

The second speaker seemed a little less real than the first speaker. I think they were too busy narrating what happened to their mom to remember they were supposed to be angry with God. And then the way it ended seemed very abrupt. I didn't really understand what she was trying to say with:

Maybe, things are easier if I trust someone, if I trust You. I mean, life was easy when I trusted Mom.

after going berserk only a sentence or two before about how God thinks this is just a game. I felt this conclusion was out of place for that second speaker, so either work on tying this faint belief more into the rest of the second part or don't bother. Though I'd like to see what you can do to bring out their weakened faith (and not completely destroyed faith) with the rest. A challenge to consider, I think!

So I guess your voices could use a little more work, but only because I don't think the speakers know who exactly they're writing/praying to -- God or the reader. Try to get in their heads and sit in their positions. It'll be hard, definitely. I've never been in this situation before. God bless your friends!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!