How Giraffes Came to Be

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I wrote this story for a school assignment. It had by one of those stories that explained why something happened. It aslo had to be written in the style that most of them are written, which to me always sounds like a children's story. This is definitely not my style of writting, so I wanted to see what you guys thought of it.







There once was herd of yellow horses. These horses were rather large, and had a ravenous appetite. All day long they would do nothing but graze in the fields of the great African grasslands. The elephants, zebras, and rhinoceroses didn’t mind, because there was plenty of food for everyone.

One day a group of these horses decided to have a contest.

“Let’s see who can eat for the longest without becoming full.” One of them said.

After a judge was appointed, the contest began. Without stopping the horses ate, and ate, and ate. Not a single one of them became too full to eat. The judge started to get bored, but waited patiently. The sun started to go down, but still, the horses were pulling grass from the soil. It lasted for hours, days, weeks, months.

Finally, after all this time, the horses became full. They looked up, and with horror they realised that all the grass was gone.

“Oh no,” came the cries, “we’ve eaten everything!”

“How will the rest of the herd get food?” One of them asked.

“What about the leaves on the trees?” Another suggested.

“There’s no way we can reach them, the trees are so tall!”

It was the only way to get food, so they decided to give it a try. Fallen branches were brought to stack against trees, but every time someone tried to climb it, the stack would topple, and the horse would fall leaving him with brown patches of dirt on his yellow fur that wouldn’t wash away. Many other methods were tried, but all failed.

Then an idea was developed. The group huddled together, discussing how this new plan could be accomplished. Soon, they were able to agree on a way. The whole heard was gathered to listen, because they had a part in it too.

The next day the horses found places where their heads could get stuck, like between the low branches of trees. When completely secured, the horses would slowly walk backwards, stretching their necks a little bit each time. After a few days of doing this, the horses got what they wanted—extremely long necks to reach the leaves on the trees.

The other animals laughed when they saw this, and nicknamed them Giraffe, meaning “tallest living quadruped,” or four legged animal. The name eventually stuck and they were known as this ever since.
Last edited by JoyceSparrows on Fri Mar 11, 2011 10:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Hey there!

This is sweet, and the style is definitly appropriate. Just a few nitpicks:

The other animals didn’t mind, because there was plenty of food for everyone.


I think it would add to the story if you described the other animals, especially as you've named a specific place (the African grasslands). Maybe give a few examples of what kinds of animals there are, and how many there are.

On day a group of these horses decided to have a contest.


*one

After a judge was appointed, the contest began.


A description of the judge would be good, to give a bit of an insight into the 'society' of this herd of horses. For example, did they choose the wisest, or the strongest horse?

The judge started to get board,


*bored

The whole heard was gathered to listen, because they had a part in it too.


*herd :]

The next day the horses found places where their heads could get stuck.


Examples? Maybe it's just me, but I can't think of many places in the African grasslands where a horse could get its head stuck...

After two days of doing this, the horses got what they wanted—extremely long necks to reach the leaves on the trees.


I don't know, two days seems a little short for a horse to extend its neck to that extent, even with a lot of stretching.
I love the idea of the horses sticking their heads in things to stretch their necks though, that's really cute. :)

Overall:

This is more a story about How Giraffes Came to Be, rather than How Giraffes Got Their Name. The whole story concentrates on how giraffes were created, rather than the creation of the actual name, 'giraffe'. That part only comes briefly at the end. I would suggest changing the title, if you want to keep the story as it is, because the current title is rather misleading. As you wish, though.
One other thought I have: giraffes have quite an interesting colour, maybe you could mention something about how they got their colour as well as their long necks? That would be quite an interesting thing to read about.
So, overall, this could be extended in parts, as I've mentioned above, but apart from that, a very cute fable. I enjoyed reading it :)

Keep writing, and hope I helped!

~Lilicia
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen




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Hey,
The other review caught most of your mistakes, and said a lot of the things I was going to say. It was good for a fable. You had the right voicing.

The other animals didn’t mind, because there was plenty of food for everyone.
I think you should just cut this sentence out all together. It doesn't pertain to the story, and then you really need to say something about how mad they are after the horses eat all the grass if you keep them in the story.


The other animals laughed when they saw this, and nicknamed them Giraffe, meaning “tallest living quadruped,” or four legged animal. The name eventually stuck and they were known as this ever since
Giraffe wouldn't have meant that from the very beginning. I don't know how you would get them to be named giraffes, but since this really is about how griaffes got their long necks, they could have been named giraffes from the very beginning.


Other than that, very cute.
Megsug
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