Paper Flowers

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Inspiration is in the spoiler.
Spoiler
This is thanks to my papa's death, my music, and for the fascination with snow. I dedicate this to my invisible man, since this is yours.


My hand rests against my cheek, staring out at the window. The rain falls steadily, fogging up the street. I watch the cars race by, in a hurry to get out of this city. Away from here, where I would like to be.

Her arms wrap around my shoulders and I straighten up. "Whatcha thinking about, hm?" she asks, with a smirk. She kisses my lips and I wrap a hand around her hair, my fingers slipping through those blonde strands easily. I deepen the kiss and let myself enjoy this time.

She pushes me away when we hear the child cry. "Damn kid," I growl, leaning back in the chair as she rushes off to soothe the child's wails. Sometimes I want to put a pillow over that boy's head and watch him suffocate. I want to wrap my hands around that fragile neck until he turns blue in the face. Then I can leave this place and his whore of a mother. I clench my fists, knowing I would never do that. That never stops a man from dreaming.

I pick up my black trenchcoat and put on my black hat. I need a smoke and to get away. I call back to my girl, saying I need some air. She only says be back soon.

Hopefully that won't happen.

I walk down the street, content to be away from that home. She loves me, but I do not feel anything for her other than tha twinge of lust, that want to ravage her body and make her scream my name. But that hasn't happened since that kid was born. I told I wouldn't leave her. I wish that was true now.

I slip into the bar and smirk when I smell it: sweat, lust, beer, and the familar smell of vulnerability I long for. This was where I found Karen at. She was just a young stripper, doing this so she could get by. I paid her extra for a night with her. I never meant to get close to her, but something happened. I became her benefactor and got her pregnant.

"The usual?" the bartender asks, pulling out a bottle of vodka for me.

I only nod and examine the girls. "Any new ones for me?" I ask, growing bored of them. Some are too meek while others acted completely drunk. I like the confident blonde one, the one giving me the eye. She is the one telling me that she's in charge, a challenge. That's what drew me to Karen. Her confidence in herself, her self-assurance, it was all so challenging, so interesting. I wanted to charm that elusive snake.

I point to the girl and motion her over. Her show's over, so she sits beside me, taking a shot of whiskey. "What's your name dear?" I ask, throwing in a charming smile and an extra $50. Her name is Carol, after much coaxing. She goes to NYU, and she was bored so she does this. We exchange numbers, a few flirty gestures, a feel here, a tap there-

My phone rings and she leaves, winking to me. I nod and pick up. It's Karen.

"You're at the club, aren't you?" she asks. Her voice sounds so weak and quiet, as if she had been crying. I swallow a lump and answer.

"Yes. I don't see a problem woth that," I growl. I didn't do anything so why should she be concerned?

Karen sighs and I hear a sob held back. "Dammit, I knew you were a cheating bastard anyway."

"Oh don't be like that," I say. "I didn't think of anyone but you."

"Liar."

"The baddest," I say with a grin. "Don't worry [ihoney][/i], I still only want you in my bed."

"Why can't you be nice?" she whispers, tired.

"I'll be home soon, so be good. Goodbye." I hang up the phone and lean back, taking the last gulp of vodka. "Thanks Borris. See you soon."

I leave the store and run by the flower shop, for an apology bouquet. I buy her paper flowers, the cheapest ones they have.

I run home, keeping the bouquet under my coat. I ignore the splashes of the cars passing by, annoyed. Didn't they know that I needed to be home before Karen did something dangerous? She always seemed to to overreact when she thought I did something wrong.

I freeze when I see the smoke coming out of the top of the apartment building.

No.

I see the firetrucks outside the building.

No.

Somehow I'm running, pushing people out of my way, screaming.

No.

The flowers crumble to the ground as the stretchers pass by. I recognize the red hair under the sheet. I can see the burnt hand hanging outside the stretcher.

No.

Somehow I am screaming, pushing people away, tears rolling down my face.

Karen. My Karen. Dead.

The boy stands to my side, his face half burnt. "Daddy?" he asks in that quiet manner he has, "Where's Mommy?"

I hold the boy close to me, the last thing I have of her.
There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. -Anonymous.




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Hey there!

I liked this: it's interesting how you made the main character someone with a lot of faults about him - it makes the story realistic. I also like the short and snappy tone, it adds an edge to the story. Just a few things:

I deepen the kiss and let myself enjoy this time.


You forgot a word here, between enjoy and this.

She pushes me away when we hear the child cry. "Damn kid," I growl, leaning back in the chair as she rushes off to soothe the child's wails. Sometimes I want to put a pillow over that boy's head and watch him suffocate. I want to wrap my hands around that fragile neck until he turns blue in the face.


It would be good to have an indication of the boy's age here, because in this paragraph he seems very young, but at the end of the story he seems older, talking normally and so on, which is quite confusing.

Then I can leave this place and his whore of a mother.


The word 'whore' jumped out at me there - especially as afterwards he calls her 'my girl'. It seems too strong for the context, maybe soften it down a little.

She loves me, but I do not feel anything for her other than tha twinge of lust,


I believe you meant 'that'. :]

I slip into the bar and smirk when I smell it: sweat, lust, beer, and the familar smell of vulnerability I long for. This was where I found Karen at.


I'm not sure 'smirk' is the right adjective here, it just seems out of place, somehow. Keep it if you want, though.
Also, the 'at' after Karen is unecessary.
That put aside, I love this twist in the story - the fact that Karen is as imperfect, in a way, as the MC.

Some are too meek while others acted completely drunk.


Careful with tenses.

"Yes. I don't see a problem woth that," I growl. I didn't do anything so why should she be concerned?


*with :)

I leave the store and run by the flower shop, for an apology bouquet. I buy her paper flowers, the cheapest ones they have.


I love this part!

I recognize the red hair under the sheet.


This is just a tiny detail, but at the beginning you said: 'my fingers slipping through those blonde strands easily', and now her hair's red. Make sure to fix that.

Somehow I am screaming, pushing people away, tears rolling down my face.


I don't understand his reaction here. Before he says that he doesn't feel anything for Karen but a twinge of lust, so why would he be so devastated? Perhaps he loves her, deep inside - if so, show it. This would be a perfect opportunity to explain his rather confused love for her.

The boy stands to my side, his face half burnt. "Daddy?" he asks in that quiet manner he has, "Where's Mommy?"
I hold the boy close to me, the last thing I have of her.


Aww that's sad :(

Overall:

A good story, I wasn't expecting her to die at the end, so good job on that. One problem I have is the MC's love for Karen: I can't figure out how he feels about her. Throughout most of the story he seems to hardly care about her, but nearer the end he gets surprisingly emotional. Another thing you could clear up is the son's age, because it's confusing at the moment. Just one last thing, about the fire: is the whole apartement on fire, are other people hurt? I know the MC's in shock, but it might be good if you could add a bit more detail on the whole situation, to make it more realistic.
Apart from that, I really liked this. The idea of paper flowers was beautiful.

Keep writing, and hope I helped! :)

~Lilicia
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen




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Lilicia got most of what I wanted to say. I really liked this story. I love that the characters are flawed. I found the description of killing the boy a little harsh. I also didn't like how he suddenly cares for her. The mother at the beginning seemed stable as well so I found her death to be a little out of character. Still, I really liked the story overall.
Current Project: Otherworld (Novel) - 11,000 words so far
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Past stories: Burning Apart, The Beast, Binding Darkness - Ch. 1, What David Taught Me, The Banquette, Mirror of Memories, Leaving Humanity, Little Green Men, Six Days




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I almost cried!

She pushes me away when we hear the child cry. "Damn kid," I growl, leaning back in the chair as she rushes off to soothe the child's wails. Sometimes I want to put a pillow over that boy's head and watch him suffocate. I want to wrap my hands around that fragile neck until he turns blue in the face.

That's just horrible. I was like "WTF?!" lol and then I found out that's his own kid and I was blown away lol.

Somehow I am screaming, pushing people away, tears rolling down my face.

I like the change of heart here. He was saying how he didn't feel anything for her and now that she's dead (?) he realizes that he lost her. I think it's so sad and sweet. I felt so bad for him!

The boy stands to my side, his face half burnt. "Daddy?" he asks in that quiet manner he has, "Where's Mommy?"
I hold the boy close to me, the last thing I have of her.

That was SO SAD! Ya got me right there. You totally got me.
If there's a 50/50 chance of getting something wrong go for it anyway because there is also a 50/50 chance of getting it right

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity. ~Edgar Allen Poe



“Writing fiction is the act of weaving a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth.”
— Khalid Hosseini, Author