*Blue Skies* Part of part 1

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*Blue Skies*

*Part One*


I picked my self up from the ground. I finished the bread loaf the Orphanage had given me, their sick departing gift. I rejoiced, for no longer was I captive of the Linden-Burg Orphanage.

However, I shouldn't have been so happy. Where would I go? What could, and would I do? Who could, and would help me. How should I spend the rest of my life? I was dumbfounded. I had no one, not a single soul. I couldn't go anywhere, let alone stay somewhere. I had to think of a plan, and fast. I had stayed in that horrible place for seventeen years, mainly writing, I hadn't thought about the future. Not one day had I thought about the future.

I walked slowly towards the train station. It led off of the island to the main land. This would be a start. The only thing on this wretched island, was that horrible Orphanage. I couldn't even think about it right now, it pained me to much to think about my boring past. I had reached the train station. I had a boarding pass that the Orphanage had given me, so I guess I should make the most of it. Walking up to the train guard, he scanned it and let me pass. I had five uses total. I had about five minutes to think about what I could do. I wasn't very good at thinking. I got side tracked to easily. For the first three minutes of the ride I thought of my life, and past. I pondered on the fact, that I actually had gained positive characteristics from that place. May be the place wasn't so bad. I kept thinking about what I had gained. However I had no time to loose. I guess I had thought more than I thought. For the train had halted, and opened its large doors. Walking off, I took a deep breath. I walked a few paces, and walked back again. I did this for about two full minutes. I kept thinking that I had taken my first full steps of freedom, of actual life! It suddenly came to my attention, I knew exactly where I was. I was in the large, grand village of Kalindede, WestMontestur. It was the biggest town on the coast. The only reason how I knew where I was is because, of the giant map in the Orphanage Dining hall. Town Hall was just west of the train station, so I proceeded on in that direction.

It felt so good to be free. To be able to walk freely, with no bells, or whistles. Walking in the city was great. People bustling around, and cars making there daily commutes. I walked slow for I was in no rush. I passed stores, and restaurants, just begging you to come in. The smell of fish and shrimp was so inviting! But I could eat and shop later. I had more pressing issues to attend to.

While walking I noticed a person who had followed me this far. I had noticed this particular being on the train as well, staring at me.I also noticed that the particular being looked familiar, like I had met them at the orphanage. I walked and best decided that I should pretend not to notice. Upon reaching town square I took a detour. Making a short trip down an abandoned alley. I knew they wanted to talk to me. I was not afraid. Malachi Davis was never afraid. I had been through to much to ever be afraid. That was not the reason I was afraid though. I was six feet, five inches, and I weighed around 245 pounds. I could take care of my self. I waited behind a dumpster. I knew they would wait, to avoid suspicion. They walked down to the dumpster and uncloaked themselves. It was a woman. The way she was standing, made me think that she didn't pose a threat. However, I should not be to trusting. Just because I was big, doesn't mean I could defend myself. Really, what did I have to loose? For some strange reason, I could not control or even read her mind. She must have known I way trying, for otherwise she would not have said, "Your powers are useless against me, don't waste your energy trying." I replied cautiously, "Then you must be trained, or something." She retorted back, "Leave out the or something,and you will have your answer. I grinned, I really liked a person who can speak their mind when necessary. Then she grinned, and became more serious, I could tell, because her face had stiffened. I said simply again, "There must be a reason, why you confronted me." She replied, "It just so happens, that a certain group of people know about your powers, and a certain someone has requested to see you, in person." She spoke again, cutting me off, "You see, I am a part of the Shadows Crest Guild, A school for the Gifted, I am here to recruit you."

I was speechless. Someone, somewhere there were people just like me. There were people who actually knew me. I was totally speechless. She held out her arm to me. She wanted me to grab it. Well, what was I waiting for, I had nothing to loose. I grabbed her arm, and instantly it went black for a split second.

We landed somewhere, for I had no clue where we were. Instantly answering my question, she said, "Welcome to the Shadow Lands. I looked around me, and I noticed a large mountain range in the distance. Other then that, it was very barren. There were gates too, they looked like they were surrounding a giant mound of earth, and dirt. She started walking towards it, so I followed. We reached the gate, and were greeted cheerfully, by guards. One of the guards spoke, "Good day, Guild Master." I just kinda looked at her funny, she didn't tell me she was so important. We walked through the gate, down a long tube. It looked like it was leading into the giant earth mound. It was, and we entered it. I was gigantic, it looked like a huge bank. At each end of the mound, there were booths and desks, lined up across the wall. Clerks were behind them, obviously helping people. I had noticed a sign on one of the booths, it read: Welcome to the Shadow Crest Guild, Building A-registration. "Am I being registered right now?" I asked. She answered, "Not until I receive word from the Head Master, to do so." In each of the four corners were what looked like warp pads. I had seen pictures of these before, but I don't remember where. We walked to one of them, and we again were whisked away.

We had been transported to a long narrow hallway. It took us north. That was the direction of the gigantic mountain I saw before. We walked relatively fast. Not giving me much of an opportunity to look at the portraits, statues, and busts of famous rulers. On the door, was another sign, it read: Welcome to the Shadow Crest Guild- Main Building. We were in the mountain. I had no time to look around, because we were walking so fast. I was amazed at what I got to see. Students were warping, and using basic elemental powers. The Guild Master spoke, very sternly, "Up stairs, and make an immediate right, the Head Master will be waiting for you." Well no turning back now, and I vanished upstairs. The Guild Master, and I went our separate ways. I went towards the Head Masters office. She had vanished out of site. I took an immediate right, just as she had instructed. I was in a long wide hallway, with black, and gold trim carpet. At the end of the hallway was a large decorated door. At each ends of the hallway, there were busts, and miniature statues of other Head Masters. They had plaques on the bases, that read: the year they were instated, and birth years.

I was nervous at the moment. I stopped in the middle of the hallway, deep in thought. What if he did not approve of me? What if I was not gifted enough? What if there were no open slots at the moment? I thought harder, then became blank. I had nothing to worry about. I should just be calm, and collected. I continued to walk down the hallway. I walked even faster, because I didn't want the what if questions to come back. I reached the giant door. Took a deep breath, and knocked hard.

The door was open, and I was starring at a fairly young man. Probably in his late thirties. He welcomed me in, and sat me down on a couch next to a fire place. Everything in his office was marble, and smooth white colored stone. He spoke, he had a deep solid voice, "Young Casey, welcome to the Shadow Crest Guild." I was scared, but replied, "It is an honor to meet you in person Head Master." He smiled then looked at the fireplace. The only thing I noticed faulty in his office, was the untidy mess of vines on the fireplace hearth. He spoke again, "I am here to assess you, a very short meeting, but very important all the same." Still speaking, "Please, set those vines on fire." I did, I didn't want to hesitate. The bright glow of hot fire danced across the marble floor. The Head Master wrote something down, then spoke, "Alright, please put the fire out." Again without hesitation, I did. I watched as water slowly poured outon to the vines. Only the smoke lingered. Speaking softly, he spoke once more, "Read, and control my mind please." I did, I knew he was letting me. I made him think of dancing flowers, it was the only thing I could think of. The Head Master spoke, "Good, now please take this note with you, and give it straight to the Guild Master, and please no peeking."


I warped my body down two levels to the exact location of the Guild Master; however she did not even jump or yelp when I landed two inches from her. With some irritation in her voice she began saying “Do you have the papers”. I handed her the sealed parchment, and she held her arm out. I took it once more, and again it went black for a few seconds. We landed in the registration building again. My eyes were temporarily blinded by the harsh white lights. She rushed directly to the only open cubical, and I staggered behind her. She quickly handed the clerk the sealed document, and he opened it. The scribe behind the clerk, took out a referral, and filled it out. Within seconds the referral had made its way through the scribes hands to mine. Mumbling and signaling for me to sign the referral, i did immediately, so as not to cause problems. However, I did not like this guy. He was seemed shady. His eyes where blood red, and had teeth like a serpent. I had a feeling he was a Screata. Screata are a type of powerful trained humans, who can warp their body's into any creature they want to. I felt like I was in one of those creepy books, and I was the victim.

I shuddered and glanced over at the Guild Master. She returned the look in disgust. I knew she was in my mind now. I quickly zoned out so she couldn’t read anymore of my thoughts. She gave a discouraging sound, which I knew was directed at me. She turned, and began walking towards a side door. She stopped for a moment, then motioned me to follow. I did, and we walked right into the side room doors.

The room we entered was a glossy black, and had neon green and dimmed white lights. It was shaped just like the registration room was, but did not have warp pads in each corner. Three long rows of small booths lined the two side and back walls. A signed pointed to the right and read -Begin Here-. The Guild Master walked over to a small booth and signaled for me to give the clerk the documents I had just signed. I did, and the clerk took them without hesitation. The clerk pressed them onto a copy block, and filed the original. Then the clerk went back into the left corner, where there was a desk. He quickly pulled out a paper from each drawer. Handing them to me, she quickly explained the blue one was for room/board. The red one was for books and learning supplies. The white one was a liability form, and Finally the pink one was rules and regulations, with a my personal schedule attached. I signed each one, and we proceeded to the next station. Then the next, until we reached the last station. I had gathered all my school supplies, a campus map, a room key, and my meal plan. The final station was simply a finalization area. Here I turned in all my signed papers. It was official, I was a Shadow Crest Student. Now the fun could begin I thought. “That's what you think”, The Guild Master replied. She smiled, and I returned it with a smile. This was going to be okay. It was going to be alright.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------We walked out of the side room, and made our way to the dorm warp pad. *I will not be helping you in the dorm areas, I have more pressing issues to attend to* I wondered why she communicated to me through my mind, and did not just simply verbalise it. However, that did not matter. I glanced over at the where the Guild Master should have been, but she was gone. So I didn’t hesitate to check out my new living space. I stepped on the warp pad, and I felt my body shudder and jerk. Before I knew it I was in a long narrow hallway. The hallway had large trimmed pillars, and busts, statues, and paintings of famous hero’s that I had no clue about. As to be expected, it was painted black with gold trim, and fancy lacing. I had seen this all before, so I continued to walk towards the commons entrance. I approached the commons entrance and stopped.

My hands were sweaty, and my body was cold. The hairs on my arm rose and I shivered. I knew I was scared, and could only imagine what my face looked like. My knees were knocking together and my teeth chattered. I breathed deeply, and relaxed my muscles. I try hard to control my racing thoughts. Eventually the chilled feeling in my body, and my sweaty arms vanished. My thoughts were the hardest thing to control, because that was the one and only thing I was truly afraid of. I also had no training to help me. I paused, took another deep breath, and continued on.

The commons door made a soft screeching sound, and it was very heavy. Painted black with gold trim and handles, I sighed, and thought I was going to get tired of this color. I pushed the door open farther and stepped through the small crack I had made for my self. When I was in completely, I felt hugely relieved to have taken that first step. The feeling was short, and faded pretty fast, when everyone turned to look at me. I failed to notice the couches and tables, full of people, students, just like me.

My hands got hot and sweaty again, and I felt like I was living dejavu. What was I going to say, what was I going to do. Everyone was standing up now, and looking at me. I wondered what my facial expression looked like to them. I wondered how my first impression would turn out to be, and then I realised I probably looked like the biggest coward they had ever seen. I straightened up, controlled my thoughts, and hauled it together.

I took one more step forward, and sheepishly said, “Hello”. A girl with her hands held firmly to another guy, stepped forward, and said “Hi, I'm Katy, lighten up, relax, we don't bite.” She paused, looked over to some girl sitting in the corner, then continued, “Well, heh heh, most of us don’t.” I must have looked so ridiculous, because my face couldn’t choose which expression to use. I must have went from looking light-headed to looking like a clown freak. But I was happy with the outcome of my final expression, overjoyed. The guy holding Katy’s hand, smiled, and looked at me, then spoke, “My names Johnathan, but you can call me Johny, I’m Katy’s boy-friend if you haven’t already noticed.” I smiled, and nodded, and everyone walked over to me. Everyone seem so polite, and well mannered. I guess I hadn’t known what to expect, other than a group of teens just like me. If anything I had expected them to be selfish, and rude. But from these first impressions, it seemed like a great group of kids, at least in this dorm.

After introductions, I had made my judgement calls. The people I thought I would be closest to were, Catherine, Matt, Claire, and Mitch. They seemed to be like my type of friends. But I knew I should not be to quick to judge. I noticed that the girl in the corner did not introduce herself to me, so I knew that maybe I should go talk to her. Judging by the looks the other kids were giving me, I knew that maybe it was not such a good idea, however something was tugging me towards her. Once again, there was no turning back.

The girl was sitting down at a table next to the corner, and a giant picture of the night sky and moon. I hesitated, and she looked up. She scowled and spat, “Well aren't you going to sit down”. I looked at her, and paused. She was beautiful. Long flowing dark brown hair. Jet black eyes, but fiery with compassion. Perfectly white and straight teeth. Rich carmel colored skin. Then I knew I must have looked like a fool, because when I came to my senses, my mouth was gaping wide open. Embarrassed, I immediately sat down. She looked disgusted, however that didn’t stop me. I started by asking her what her name was, and she replied “Carrie, but everyone calls me Dust.” Then I told her my name was, “ Malachi, and everyone called me Malachi” She looked up and smiled. Then I wondered why everyone could possible avoid this charming young lady. We talked for a long time, and made solid introductions, until she frowned, and said she had to go. I didn’t dare ask why. I just smiled and said, we should talk again. She returned the smile, with a smile, and said “Yes, yes I’d like that.” She got up and faded into the air, leaving a cloud of black dust in the air. I guess now, I knew why they called her Dust.

After that talking with Dust, I felt pumped, and ready to go. However, I had to get settled first. I went upstairs and turned right into the boys section. My number was 3-1-5, This stood for third floor, first wing, and fifth room. It would be on the right. I raced up to my room, and opened it. I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath, then I burst into the room like a giddy four-year-old getting a new toy on his birthday. All I could do was gasp! Did I really have the right room? I’d just have to find out, when Dust comes back. Which wasn’t long, because just then Dust warped in. Then she glared, and spat, “What are you doing in my room”. I simply walked over and showed her my room assignment, and she sighed.”Your with me, but I do have rules, Since your new, lets review.”

It seemed like she couldn't control herself; her body was shaking, and she was fidgeting. She couldn't stop, and her speech was slurred. I wondered to my self what I should do. Should I enter her mind? Try and calm her? I had no choice, she was obviously upset. I closed my eyes, and rolled my eyes back into my head. I could see clearly all of the mind strands in the nearby area. The only one that was dark and had dust particles around the crystal strand, was clearly Dust’s. I zoomed in closer than opened my eyes. Concentrating on Dust, I looked directly in her eyes. My eyes turned cloudy, but remained bright blue. Then I entered her mind, and was amazed. Even though her dark personality kinda scared me, it was very misleading. The images and thought bubbles were crystal clear, and flowed freely like water. Everything was calm and quiet. No rage, and no violent emotions. I located her emotion stalactite, and warped into it. It was very different from her lobby. This stalactite was dark inside, and of course had black dust all floating around. It was very hard to see her nervous strand or her calm-emotion-stalagmites. I floated around a little bit more, and found her vent...it had been so much used by all the dust, that all that was left was the frame. I decided to travel up the vent, and see what I could possible do to help change the situation. The vent was pitch black, and had so much dust around the edges that the actual tunnel space was only about two inches wide, just barely enough room for my mind waves to travel through. This turned out to be a good idea, because I was able to locate both her c-e-s, and her nervous strand. I quickly warped my self to the c-e-s and I sent calming vibrations through them. They were gentle and soothing, so I could see them gently rocking back and forth with the vibrations. When I felt they had been soothed enough, I warped again, but this time to the nervous strand. I didn’t send vibrations this time, because I saw it was frozen in black ice. So this time I sent shattering vibrations until all the ice was gone. However, I didn’t stop there, I sent heat vibrations through all of the strand, for about ten minutes. It gave a similar reaction to the c-e-s, in the sense that it gently rocked back and forth to the heat. When I was satisfied, I warped out, and assesed Dust thoroughly.

She was calm. Then she smiled, and said “Thank you, I really really needed that”. Before I could say anything she continued, “That was a life changing experience, because before I had been really depressed, and no medication would help, but what you did took minutes and I thank you for that”. I smiled and blushed. “I’m glad I could help, and I’m glad were roommates”, I said. She smiled, but didn’t say anything, she just warped out of the room, but this time with no dust.
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I decided to go back down to the lounge, because I had finished unpacking already. When I reached the lounge, I heard the guild masters voice. This confused me because I thought she was talking to me through my brain waves, but she was on a hidden intercom. Everyone in the lounge stopped, and listened, so I figured I should do the same. “Light Campus, it is training day, and your training objective is capture the flag (survival style), in the light forest arena”. Everybody in the lounge cheered, but I was scared. I had no idea of what I should do. I was completely lost. I assumed everybody had warped to the Light Forest Arena but I had no idea where that was. “Lost?”, some one said. I turned around and Dust was behind me. “Um, yeah”, I said. She smiled and replied, “Grab my hand”. So I did, and she warped into the middle of the forest.
I didn’t exactly know that we were in the Light Forest, but I trusted Dust. I followed her to a campsite where Mitch, Matt, Catherine, and Claire were standing. There were about thirty of us total. I only knew them however. But that didn’t matter, because I was rushed to get gear. I was instructed to pick up a light armor package that I was supposed to keep, and my personal staff. I was also instructed to pick up a white gold trimmed cape, and two white gold trimmed assassin knives. There were plenty of open changing rooms available, so I entered one. My new uniform was spiffy and even comfortable. I quickly changed and sheathed my two knives. My staff could fit on a clip behind my cape, on my armor vest. I walked out with my helmet under my arm. I felt pumped, and I spotted the group over where I had left them. I walked over to them, and they smiled. We made awkward small talk, and they asked me if I had any action experience. I didn’t know what to say, but I decided not to lie. “Not, any in this game, but I occasionally fought to defend my self in the orphanage.” They nodded and before any more awkward talk was made and intercom voice blasted through the loud speakers. “Light Campus prepare your lines, you have fifteen minutes to do so, then the war shall commence.” Everyone quickly assembled and huddled around....Dust. I decided I didn’t want to look like the biggest newbie on the field, so I closed my mouth and huddle closer. She spoke, loud and clear..with such direction and authority. “WE WILL SPLIT INTO A FIVE CAPTAIN TEAM, TWO DEFENDING THE BACK, ONE GROUP IN THE MIDDLE, AND TWO UP FRONT.” She continued, “GROUP ONE AND TWO WILL BE STRATEGICALLY PLACED UP FRONT ON THE FAR SIDES.” “THEY WILL SWEEP FAR THEN INTO THE MIDDLE SECTION AND TAKE OUT THE MIDDLE TROOPS, THEY WILL CONTINUE TOWARDS THE FLAG, THEN BRANCH OFF AND HIDE UNTIL REINFORCEMENTS ARRIVE”, She spoke. “THE MIDDLE GROUP WILL PRESS BACK, WHILE THE TWO DEFENCE GROUPS CHARGE DIRECTLY FORWARD, WHEN THE MIDDLE GROUP PRESSES BACK THEY WILL SPLIT INTO TWO SMALLER GROUPS AND SLIDE INTO THE FAR BACK CORNERS UNTIL THE ENEMY IS SITED.” Everyone looked amazed at how well this plan was formed, and confidence floated in the air, like scent wafting from an oven. She spoke once more, “One more thing, I will not be picking your teams, that is up to you to decide.”
Putting her hand down in the center confused me, until I saw others put there hand on top of hers. Quickly and without hesitation I proceeded to put mine on, but I was slow and uncoordinated, and I landed mine on the very top. “ LIGHT CAMPUS SHALL BE THERE, TO WIN ALL OF THE GOLD MEDALS!!!”, They cheered.
Instantly the group broke off into huddles, and began chattering about unfair teams, and who to trade. All I knew is that Mitch, Matt, Catherine, and Claire floated up towards the attacking positions. I tried to look and see if I could find them, but finding four people in the midst of about fifty, was very hard. I didn’t get very far anyway, because someone from the defencive end grabbed me into their group. It was Dust. We would probably see more action than the attacking group, which was good for me, because I like a good fight. My thought process was interrupted, by the voice of the intercom, and I knew exactly what time is was, before she announced it. It spoke, “LET THE BATTLE BEGIN”.

Remembering the battle plan Dust clearly laid out for us, I floated up with the rest of the “pack”. We rushed swiftly and silently, jumping over logs and other obstacles. At the site of arrows, Dust instructed us to take cover. I ran back and slid under large log. Waiting for further instructions, I wondered why I was doing this. However I couldn't be thinking about this now. I continued to wait, until I noticed that it was dead silent. I couldn't hear anyone, anywhere. I poked my head out from the log and surveyed the landscape- No one. I was on my own, and I started to shake. I had no reason to shake. This was just practice, and I was able to take care of myself. My best option was to try and regroup with the “pack”.

I slowly crawled out from under the log, trying to make the least amount of noise possible. There was a large tree not ten paces from me, so I crawled over to it, and slid up the back of the tree. I grasped my sword hilt, and let go. I had heard something, like a slight knocking. I could hear someone in the vicinity, and tugged at my switchblade knife. I drew it out of my boot without noise or hesitation. Kicking a nearby rock around the tree, I ran around the tree in the opposite direction of the stone. Silently I raised my knife, and brought my arm down on his sword hilt, knocking it out of his hand. Before he could take action my knife wielding arm darted across his neck. My knife never made contact with his neck, but I could feel him clearing his throat, and my arm waver. I didn't want to show any signs of weakness, so I lightly tensed my bicep across his throat. Sputtering and coughing, he spat on my boots, seeing as I didn’t want a scumbag like this one spitting on me, I tightened my grip on his neck, and I slapped the back of his head with my palm. He growled at and I just chuckled. Keeping him as my hostage we kept moving. He struggled to get free many, many times. I wanted to expose him, make him feel embarrassed. I moved him slowly but steadily towards the center of the playing field. We reached center field and my group was right where they should have been. Bringing him into the site of all my group members, I brought my hilt across his chest knocking him off of his feet. As he fell to his feet, I released him and stepped back from him. Scrambling to his feet, he drew his sword, and raised it at me. Rushing at me in a very n-organized form, I simply side-stepped, and brought the flat of my sword down, across his back. Stumbling to the ground, I kicked him on the way down, to assist him. He didn’t get up, so I waited for about ten seconds. The team quickly gathered around to see if I needed assistance.
-JJ-
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I picked my self up from the ground. I finished the bread loaf the Orphanage had given me, their sick departing gift. I rejoiced, for no longer was I captive of the Linden-Burg Orphanage.
You start every sentence with 'I' and it feels a bit redundant. Try to find ways to rephrase those sentences somehow.

However, I shouldn't have been so happy. Where would I go? What could, and would I do? Who could, and would help me. These two sentences sound a bit awkward. Keep it simple. ‘What would I do, and would anyone help me?‘ How should I spend the rest of my life? I was dumbfounded. I had no one, not a single soul. I couldn't go anywhere, let alone stay somewhere. I had to think of a plan, and fast. I had stayed in that horrible place for seventeen years, mainly writing, I hadn't thought about the future. Not one day had I thought about the future.

I walked slowly towards the train station.Here would be a good place to add description of the train station and give us some kind of setting. It led off of the island to the main land. This would be a start. The only thing on this wretched island, no comma was that horrible Orphanage. I couldn't even think about it right now, it pained me to much to think about my boring past. I had reached the train station. I had a boarding pass that the Orphanage had given me, so I guess I should make the most of it. Walking up to the train guard, he scanned it and let me pass. I had five uses total. I had about five minutes to think about what I could do. I wasn't very good at thinking. I got side tracked to easily. For the first three minutes of the ride I thought of my life, and past. I pondered on the fact, that I actually had gained positive characteristics from that place. May be the place wasn't so bad. I kept thinking about what I had gained. However I had no time to loose. I guess I had thought more than I thought. For the train had halted, and opened its large doors. Walking off, I took a deep breath. I walked a few paces, and walked back again. I did this for about two full minutes. I kept thinking that I had taken my first full steps of freedom, of actual life! It suddenly came to my attention, I knew exactly where I was. I was in the large, grand village of Kalindede, WestMontestur. It was the biggest town on the coast. The only reason how I knew where I was is because, of the giant map in the Orphanage Dining hall. Town Hall was just west of the train station, so I proceeded on in that direction. So much time has passed here and you hardly describe any of it. What did the train look like? Was it a smooth ride? Were you able to watch the passing scenery out a window? Did you meet anyone, or talk to anyone on the train?

It felt so good to be free. To be able to walk freely, with no bells, or whistles. Walking in the city was great. People bustling around, and cars making there daily commutes. I walked slow for I was in no rush. I passed stores, and restaurants, just begging you to come in. The smell of fish and shrimp was so inviting! But I could eat and shop later. I had more pressing issues to attend to.

While walking I noticed a person who had followed me this far. I had noticed this particular being on the train as well, staring at me. Then why didn’t you tell us about them? How come you never described this person when you first noticed them? I also noticed that the particular being looked familiar, like I had met them at the orphanage. I walked andbestdecided that I should pretend not to notice. Upon reaching town square I took a detour. Making a short trip down an abandoned alley This is a sentence fragment. I knew they wanted to talk to me. I was not afraid. Malachi Davis was never afraid It‘s a little weird to hear him refer to himself in third person. I had been through to too much to ever be afraid. That was not the reason I was afraid though. I was six feet, five inches, and I weighed around 245 pounds Oh my lord that is tall O_O. I could take care of my self. I waited behind a dumpster. I knew they would wait, to avoid suspicion. They walked down to the dumpster and uncloaked themselves. Does this mean that she took off her jacket? It doesn’t make sense. It was a woman. The way she was standing, no comma made me think that she didn't pose a threat. However, I should not be to trusting. Just because I was big, doesn't mean I could defend myself. Really, what did I have to loose? For some strange reason, I could not control or even read her mind. She must have known I way trying, for otherwise she would not have said, "Your powers are useless against me, don't waste your energy trying." I replied cautiously, "Then you must be trained, or something." She retorted back, "Leave out the or something,and you will have your answer. I grinned, I really liked a person who can speak their mind when necessary. Then she grinned, and became more serious, I could tell, because her face had stiffened. I said simply again, "There must be a reason, why you confronted me." She replied, "It just so happens, that a certain group of people know about your powers, and a certain someone has requested to see you, in person." She spoke again, cutting me off, "You see, I am a part of the Shadows Crest Guild, A school for the Gifted, I am here to recruit you." You should separate all the dialogue into new paragraphs. Break up the rest of it, too; this is a mammoth block of text!

I was speechless. Someone, somewhere there were people just like me. There were people who actually knew me. I was totally speechless. She held out her arm to me. She wanted me to grab it. Well, what was I waiting for, I had nothing to loose. I grabbed her arm, and instantly it went black for a split second.

We landed somewhere,forI had no clue where we were. Instantly answering my question, she said, "Welcome to the Shadow Lands. I looked around me, and I noticed a large mountain range in the distance. Other then that, it was very barren. There were gates too, they looked like they were surrounding a giant mound of earth, and dirt earth and dirt are basically the same thing. She started walking towards it, so I followed. We reached the gate, and were greeted cheerfully, by guards. One of the guards spoke, "Good day, Guild Master." I just kinda looked at her funny, she didn't tell me she was so important. We walked through the gate, down a long tube. It looked like it was leading into the giant earth mound. It was, and we entered it. I was gigantic, it looked like a huge bank. At each end of the mound, there were booths and desks, lined up across the wall. Clerks were behind them, obviously helping people. I had noticed a sign on one of the booths, it read: Welcome to the Shadow Crest Guild, Building A-registration. "Am I being registered right now?" I asked. She answered, "Not until I receive word from the Head Master, to do so." In each of the four corners were what looked like warp pads. I had seen pictures of these before, but I don't remember where. We walked to one of them, and we again were whisked away. Could you try and describe the warp pads? I have no idea what they’re supposed to look like. You need to create a world that we can walk in. Just tell us what you see in your head.


Sorry I couldn’t review your whole chapter for you. This is quite a long piece; I suggest you post this in parts because the sheer length of this might scare off other reviewers.

So far, this isn’t bad at all. However, there are some things I think you need to work on.

First, description. You move quickly from scene to scene without bothering to pause first. I was curious about the train ride and train station. I was wondering what your character was wearing. I was completely in the dark to what he looked like at all, besides that he was abnormally tall. What did the woman who brought him to the Guild look like? Describe more of the guild; it’s such a major place in your novel and you only spend one or two sentences on it.
Assume that we are blind. You have to give us everything you know about your world.

And second, punctuation. I think you use way too many commas. It feels like I’m pausing every other word and it takes forever to get through the reading. Try reading through your work aloud to find out where you do and don’t need a breath. It’s something that helps me when I write.

Well I hope this helped you some. If you have any questions at all, send me a PM and I’ll be glad to help.
~blacksheep
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk



akdsjfh you know that feeling where you start writing a scene but then you get bored with the scene so you move on and start writing a different scene and then you get bored with that scene so you move on to an entirely different WIP and then you get bored with that so you move on-
— AceassinOfTheMoon