Counting the Stars

I’ll stay up all night,
And wait for your call;
I’ll count the stars on the ceiling,
And wait for one to fall.

I’ll catch it in my hands,
And save in a jar,
For when I need a wish,
I’ll have my fallen star.

What will I wish for?
I haven’t got a clue,
But when it comes down to it,
I think I’d wish for you.

I’d wish to see your eyes,
The colors dancing like the ocean,
Tantalizing to the senses,
Your personal love potion,

I’d wish to hear your voice,
A melody swimming to my ear,
As you whisper sweet nothings,
That no one else can hear.

I’d wish to feel your warmth,
Feel it becoming part of me,
Taking over my mind,
Where only your touch can free me.

I’d wish to have you here,
So I could lie in your arms,
Fall asleep to your breathing,
And wake up to alarms.

Alarm clocks are screams,
You were never really here,
It was a dream, a lovely dream,
I wish it would never disappaer.

2-21-11

W-O-W!!! Gosh I love your poem!!! Maybe because I'm a crack pot for love and tragedy...!!!:p But that doesn't change the beauty of your poem... The depth of emotion from the girl's side, even for a dream, Is really nice. And I guess that's the catch of your poem-The emotions.
Love it!!!!
Keep writing more:)
Harshita...

Okay it's true, I am a guy but I love this poem. I know it is from a female's point of view but as a man i still have the same longing emotion; longing for love, friendship, feeling cared about, the whole schabang. I enjoy the emotion and the near-lustful description of the male and the unfortunate reality that came at the end. I love it!

Okay, so there are only a few nit-picky mistakes that can be easily fixed with spellcheck and a quick read through. Other than that, great job! You have a new follower!

How absolutely adorable! Very lovely poem. My only critique would be just small issues with the rhythm...Love it!

I’ll catch it in my hands
and save it in a jar
for when I need a wish
I’ll have my fallen star

I'd wish to taste your lips
that move so perfectly with mine
so sweet and intoxicating
leaving us forever intertwined

I’d wish to feel your warmth
feel it becoming part of me
taking over my mind
were only your touch can free me

What do you mean to say by "were"? I assume it should've been "where"?

alarm clocks are screams
you were never really here
it was a dream, a lovely dream
I wish it would never disappear

Although, gramatically correct, it should be: I wish it would have never disappeared.



The poem was nice, although I liked the first stanzas more. The other ones seem a bit forced and lose their rhyme.

SilentRain - i really enjoyed this!
It was romantic, and tragic, and somewhat cliche, but not necessarily in a bad way - and it wasn't sappy, which is refreshing. haha
Some of the stanzas, the rhyming is off, and there's a couple of grammatical errors throughout, but everyone already touched on those so i won't spend too much time telling you again.
I feel like the beginning was more real, more exactly what you were feeling, and then towards the end, it was a mixture of what sounded good and what you felt.
But overall - this was super good!
Keep writing!

-PurpleHeart

This really is a beautiful poem! I especially like this stanza:

What will I wish for?
I haven’t got a clue
but when it comes down to it
I think I’d wish for you

And the girl's deception at the end of the whole thing just being a dream. In some ways the idea could be thought of as 'clichéd' but you managed to make the poem original.
The above comments have already dealt with the slight errors, so there's nothing else to say.

Nice work!

Okay, my first impression is that this poem drags on for much too long. You've got the feeling, but you don't need a full nine stanzas to establish it. Especially since you're pretty much saying the same thing over and over.

Well, I hope this was helpful, even if it was short. I'd try to cut this down a little.

-Kafka

Hi there

This is very interesting and has a lot of potential, but needs some work.

Firstly, I think it goes on about four stanzas longer than it needs to. This is mainly because it does not seem to go anywhere through the piece. Although your wording is lovely the themes get old quickly.

Secondly, I find the content very corny and sappy in parts. It also has a lot of clichés.

"fallen star."

"whisper sweet nothings,"

Are both clichés. But that is common and it's hard to avoid clichés when writing love poetry.

However, your flow is close to perfect and lovely and lyrical.

So good job.

Hey Silent!

So maybe I've just been a little inactive or something, but it seems like I haven't seen any poems from you in a while! May be my mistake, but in any case, happy to see this one! On to the review.

So first off, most of the spelling issues listed above were fixed but a few still remain, like the save (it) in a jar and the misspelling of disappear in the last stanza. Besides that, I don't have any real grammar things to nit pick.

I’d wish to see your eyes,
The colors dancing like the ocean,
Tantalizing to the senses, This is just a suggestion, I think it would be better if it said Tantalizing to MY senses, but that is up to you, it is fine the way it is.
Your personal love potion, <-- That should be a period I think.

I’d wish to have you here, Another suggestion, I don't like the use of "here" in this line/stanza because of it being used in the next stanza. "You were never really here," It just feels a little repetitive and odd to read aloud. Possible changes would be: I'd wish to have you right beside me, (then add there in the next line between lie and in.) I'd wish to have close you by. Anything, but again this is your choice.
So I could lie in your arms,
Fall asleep to your breathing,
And wake up to alarms.

Overall: I really like it! I will always have a soft spot for love poems, and this one hits the spot. I like the wording, and the rhyming scheme, and I love the imagery. This is definitely deserving of it's spot on the main page! Keep up the writing and feel free to PM me with any questions, comments, or concerns; or if you want another review sometime. I love reviewing your work!

-HostofHorus

Wow! This was great. There was such imagery and emotion within the words. It was so sweet and heart-breaking. I loved it. Your poem was something that I could see in a book of poetry; it is that good. The whole concept is to lovely.
I have some comments next to the line or stanza. I hope I helped. And again, this was a marvelous poem. I hope to read more. Great job.

SilentRain wrote:I’ll stay up all night,
And wait for your call;
I’ll count the stars on the ceiling,
And wait for one to fall.

I’ll catch it in my hands,~ Love this stanza- the imagery is spot on.
And save in a jar,
For when I need a wish,
I’ll have my fallen star.

What will I wish for?
I haven’t got a clue,
But when it comes down to it,
I think I’d wish for you.

I’d wish to see your eyes,
The colors dancing like the ocean,
Tantalizing to the senses,~ it would make more sense to put "my" in place of "the" since it is from her point of view.
Your personal love potion, ~ really like that line.

I’d wish to hear your voice,
A melody swimming to my ear,
As you whisper sweet nothings,
That no one else can hear.

I’d wish to feel your warmth,
Feel it becoming part of me,
Taking over my mind,
Where only your touch can free me.

I’d wish to have you here,
So I could lie in your arms,
Fall asleep to your breathing,
And wake up to alarms.

Alarm clocks are screams,
You were never really here,
It was a dream, a lovely dream,- the repetition of the word "dream" messes up the flow of that line, I feel.
I wish it would never disappaer.

2-21-11

I love reading featured works...'CAUSE HEY HARDLY EVER DISAPPOINT ME! ^_^

Nitpicks:

For when I need a wish,
I’ll have my fallen star.

- Ooh, I love it!

But when it comes down to it,

- I feel like you could write a better line than this. It's all right though.

Your personal love potion,

- I think you had ought to use a period here and not a comma.

A melody swimming to my ear,

- Perhaps, this will be better if you used 'in' rather than 'to'.

I wish it would never disappaer.

- Typo: 'disappear'


Wonderful job! I love your poem. ^_^ It's sweet and simple. And there's balance between emotion and imagery. Anyway, like what I've said in other poems, I love the fact that only simple words are used, and not difficult ones. Outstanding!

Never stop writing!

The only thing that really stood out to me as needing a change was this line:

Alarm clocks are screams,

The wording is a bit off. Maybe something more like 'The alarm clock screams' or 'alarm clocks are screaming'.
Other than that I loved it! It's so simple and sincere and it has beautiful imagery.

My favorite part is:

I’d wish to see your eyes,
The colors dancing like the ocean,
Tantalizing to the senses,
Your personal love potion,

It's quite lovely! Keep up the good work!

That was most likely the best poem I've ever read! It's great! Most people might be scared to write great love stuff like this and normally I don't like it but yours was absolutely amazing! A terrific, inspiring poem. Great job! Keep up your awesome work!

So this was rather interesting. It's a nice love poem and normally I never review love poems. I wouldn't change anything, besides a few nit picky things that I prefer, but some people already said that. I really like the part about catching a star and putting it into a jar. That was kind of interesting, especially wishing for someone. I love the person's feelings in this, wanting someone but when the alarms ring, they're just a fantasy. So sad and intriguing.