Snap Chapter 1

Any corrections made here, were recommended by those who commented.

The pale, yellow rays of the moon illuminated my skin as I sat upon the brick wall near the lake of silver and blue. I cannot say I am human, for that would be a lie. I am a wolf, stealthy and quiet, running distances at top speed. As I walked toward my home, I caught the scent of blood on the midnight breeze.

I started sprinting back, and the scent got stronger and stronger as I got closer to home. I could hear my heart pounding, and my breathing was heavy. Oh, how I wished no one had died. I could faintly hear my father calling my older brother's name. Oh, god, please be alive. I ran toward the sound. I glanced inside a room, only to find it covered in blood.
My father's voice was getting louder.

"Ellie!", he yelled.

I started running again, and eventually found him. He was in my room, leaning over my brother, holding a bit of cloth over my brother's wound. I could smell the coppery smell of blood and rushed over to my father, activating the holy powers I was given at birth.
"Please don't die." I whisper, holding back the tears I knew would force themselves upon my cheeks. By then, Father had retreated into a corner of the room, and had started crying. I could hear the voice of my best friend, Savannah. Slowly, I stood and ran out of the room, needing to find her so she could help me heal my brother.

For some unknown reason, I start reciting a poem in my thoughts.

Love, it could be the best thing,
or the worst thing,
that could ever happen.
There is a difference between love and desire,
now let me ask you, do you know what it is?

The pale yellow rays of the moon illuminate my skin as I sit upon the wall near my home.

Lovely first sentence, except what kind of wall? Without any description I'm picturing a random wall from a house sitting in the middle of the street.

I could can not say that I am I was human, for that would be a lie.

Watch your verb tenses! I'm not going to bother writing this every time, since there are so many verb tense issues!

I am a wolf, stealthy and quiet, running through the forests at top speed.

Lovely description, except how did the character get from a wall to the forest?

Oh, god, please be alive. I ran toward the sound.

When a character's thoughts are in a story, I find that it helps the reader if you put them in italics.

Sometimes I would glance inside a room, sometimesonly to find it covered in blood.

There is something wrong with this sentence. Above is one way of making it flow better.

My father's voice was getting louder.
"Ellie!" My father He yelled.

Make sure that you don't use "my father" too many times in a row- throw in a "he" every once in a while.

By then, Father had retreated into a corner of the room, which happened to be mine,

"Which happened to be mine" does not quite work here. I would suggest telling the reader that it is your main character's room when they first enter. (Ex: I started running again, and eventually found my father. He was in my room, leaning over my brother...)

hoping to find her and have her help me heal my brother.

This whole sentence seems a little unenthusiastic. Show us more of how your main character feels! "Hoping" is not a particularly intense word on it's own.

OVERALL:

You have some lovely descriptive language at the start of the piece! I would suggest putting more of that in towards the end, because right now it feels a bit rushed. Take your time, and describe your main character's search a bit more. Another place where you could use more detail is when your main character sees their brother.

My biggest criticism of this piece is the crazy mess of different verb tenses that is going on! Decide whether this part of the story is happening in past tense or present tense, and then get a friend to help you change the verbs appropriately.

Hope this is helpful!

Thank you for your response. I will surely use what you have taught me in my future posts.

Hello, I'm Jojo. And I shall be your editor for today!
Grammar is in red.
Others are in blue.

The pale,(comma) yellow rays of the moon illuminated my skin as I sat upon the wall near my home. I could not say I was human, for that would be a lie. I am a wolf, stealthy and quiet, running through the forests at top speed. As I walked toward my home, I caught the scent of blood on the midnight breeze.

> insertspacehere<

I started sprinting back, and the scent got stronger and stronger as I got closer to home. I could hear my heart pounding, and my breathing was heavy. Oh, how I wished no one had died. I could faintly hear my father calling my older brother's name.

Oh, god, please be alive. ( it's a thought, so make it known. -either by italics or spacing or something.)

I ran toward the sound. I glanced inside a room, ("sometimes" isn't necessary) only to find it covered in blood.
My father's voice was getting louder.

"Ellie!", he yelled. ( you already said that it was your father- so implement pronouns)

I started running again, and eventually found him leaning over my brother, holding a bit of cloth over my brother's wound. I could smell the coppery smell of blood and rushed over to my father, activating the holy powers I was given at birth.

(Big brother- normally, when fight or flight takes over, we don't have time for formalities. "Please don't die" would suffice.),
"Please don't die," I whispered, holding back the tears I knew would force themselves upon my cheeks.
By then, Father had retreated into a corner of my room and began to cry. I could hear the voice of my best friend, Savannah.Slowly, I stood and ran out of the room, hoping to find her so she could help me heal my brother.

I think that you should go ahead and change the whole passage to past-tense. You seem to fluctuate between the two, and it gets confusing.

Overall, good piece.
I like the idea of a instant action that you have here, but you seem to rush into things without giving much detail. Spelling is perfect,just remember that it's okay to use pronouns and short sentences when using the element of "thrill".

Good Job!
Keep writing!
------------------
-Jojo

Ah, I see that I have used my "solid wall of words" technique again. :/ Thank you for helping me. I shall surely use these teachings in future posts. Thank you again.

Nicely done! I like your descriptions here! They have a certain...grace to them, if that makes sense. :) I'm very interested to see where you're going with this story, so keep on writing! :) -Rachael

Wow Just So Amazing. I Visualized It In My Head. But I Want To Know More. Just Keep Writing! And For The Poem, Keeps Me Wondering What The Answer Is. So Far I Have Envy And Hate. I Don't Know, Just Some Guesses.

~Xiahou Zay

Hiya

The pale, no comma yellow rays of the moon illuminated my skin as I sat upon the brick wall near the lake of silver and blue. I cannot say I am human, for that would be a lie. I am a wolf, stealthy and quiet, running distances at top speed. As I walked toward my home, I caught the scent of blood on the midnight breeze.

I started sprinting back, and the scent got stronger and stronger as I got closer to home. I could hear my heart pounding, and my breathing was heavy. Oh, how I wished no one had died. I could faintly hear my father calling my older brother's name. Oh, god, please be alive. I ran toward the sound. I glanced inside a room, only to find it covered in blood.
My father's voice was getting louder.

"Ellie!",no comma he yelled.

I started running again,no comma and eventually found him. He was in my room, leaning over my brother could you give us your brother‘s name here? ‘He was in my room, leaning over my brother, (Tom), and holding a bit of cloth over his wound., holding a bit of cloth over my brother's wound. I could smell the coppery smell of blood and rushed over to my father, activating the holy powers I was given at birth.
"Please don't die.comma" I whisper, holding back the tears I knew would force themselves upon my cheeks. By then, Father had retreated into a corner of the room, and had started crying. I could hear the voice of my best friend, Savannah. Slowly, I stood and ran out of the room, needing to find her so she could help me heal my brother.

For some unknown reason, I start reciting a poem in my thoughts.

Love, it could be the best thing,
or the worst thing,
that could ever happen.
There is a difference between love and desire,
now let me ask you, do you know what it is?

I love werewolf stories. It’s a very short start, so I can’t get much of a feel from it, but so far it’s good.
The only suggestion I have is to be very careful about your punctuation. Try looking up the Writing Resource section here on YWS; they have tons of information there that has really helped me. I see that someone told you to put the comma in 'The pale, yellow rays' but I don't think that's necessary. Would wouldn't use a comma if you said 'the bright yellow rays' or 'the soft yellow rays'. It just sounds strange.
Besides that, I don’t have much to say except that I’m looking forward to the next part! Could you let me know when you post it?
~blacksheep