Saving Aleogra -Intruders!- Chapter 3

I'm back! I'm very glad that my last review was helpful

“Oh,” Ivy said innocently, skipping to open the door.

The combination of "said" and an adverb sometimes seems a bit amateurish - why use an adverb when you can pick a more descriptive verb (chortled, shrieked, etc)? In cases such as "said innocently" where there might not be an obvious verb that combines both words, you could try showing how Ivy is being innocent, instead of telling us. (Ex: "Oh." Ivy skipped to the door, batting her eyelashes).

The door creaked open and the guard stepped in, the floor whining in protest.

I like this line!

Allacus had dark magic that allowed him to alter the bodies of those around him- . That wasa powerful tool to have when you were ruling a city that hated you.

"That was" seems awkward here - I would suggest combining the sentences

His bleach blonde hair looked odd on his face; a stark contrast to his deep brown eyes.

Is there something more specific than "looked odd" that you can say? Maybe "His bleach blonde hair didn't quite match the rest of his face?"

the gasp that would surely follow her train of thought.

I don't think this quite makes sense.

He had heard about Ivy’s magical breaches; it was rumoured the old witch Alleia had transferred all her powers to her.

I have never heard the word "breaches" used in that context before. Maybe try "prowess" or "skill".

To avoid using "her" too many times when talking about two women, you could say "to her Great granddaughter". That way, we know who "her" is.

“A few citizens who lived around here made a report to the King that a hooded figure was seen entering your house last nightand. The Circle Dancers also reported that their victim fled the scene unexpectedly. Our Lord has linked the two.”

I would split up these sentences.

Ivy stood silent for a minute before breaking out into peals of hilarious laughter.

Hysterical might be a better word?

As the guard ambled off you could still hear his occasional laugh.

I didn't know that I was a character in the story! Maybe "As the guard ambled off, Delanie could..."

Also, that guard seemed a little too dumb. Surely he would at least ask Ivy if she'd seen anything suspicious around the area, or remind her to contact someone if she heard anything.

Things were silent between them as they both thought.

I don't think that you actually need to say this. I think that it should be clear from the next bit.

Delanie looked around the room for the first time, noticing the design scheme.

"Design scheme" doesn't seem to work here. Maybe just "design" or "decor"?

nature was ever present in Ivy's forest room.

I like this!

“What’s a Circle Dancer?” Delanie asked suddenly, breaking the quiet.

I would suggest "silence", as "Quiet" isn't really the kind of word that comes with a "the" in front of it.

“It’s just a theory, but Allacus is a dark magician, a fallen elf. He draws upon dark magic to perform bad deeds

This whole description seems pretty epic, and then you use the word "bad", which is a little mild in comparison. Try "malevolent" or "evil" or "atrocious".

she said exasperatingly

I think you mean "exasperatedly"

“I’ll do it,” she said confidently, subconsciously standing up taller. “For you, for Queen Alagaria and for Aleogra.” Ivy’s eyes watered at the sight of Delanie pledging her help; would her beautiful city finally be saved? She didn’t know but it sounded hopeful. Smiling, she took up to take Delanie’s hand but froze mid-action. Delanie asked what was wrong, her voice tinged with panic, but all Ivy did was squeak and continue to look behind Ivy. Hesitantly, Delanie turned around and gasped too.

Suddenly you go into full on "telling" mode. This seems really weird, considering that it is the only time you do this. I would suggest actually writing Delanie's line (etc).

Overall:

1) There is a WHOLE lot of information going on in this part. I would suggest finding ways for Ivy to show Delanie what the state of the kingdom is, instead of just telling her. Right now, in terms of what the reader is visualizing, we have two girls sitting in a room and talking - not the most interesting thing. See if you can find ways to switch up the location or the way the information is conveyed. For example, maybe Ivy takes out a magical birdbath that allows Delanie to see the into past. That way you can describe to the reader in detail what sorts of things that Allacus does. Another solution might be breaking up the information sessions by showing us more of your lovely fictional world- maybe Ivy takes Delanie on a tour of the town, prompting Delanie to ask questions about Allacus?

2) Delanie is kidnapped by an elf, and ten minutes later agrees to fight a powerful elf magician to save the kingdom? Really? Ten minutes later??? The way this is written now, it doesn't quite make sense. You have not presented Delanie to us as a particularly impulsive or thrill-seeking character, and an average person would certainly not agree to something like that right away. I would suggest that you either show us that Delanie is a crazy daredevil, or take your time with this whole segment! For example, give Delanie a bit of time to think about this, or at least wait to have her make a decision until she knows more about what saving the world entails. For example, most people in that situation might ask questions like "How does this magic thing work?"

Hope this is helpful

I like it. I do, really! Hehe, I just want to say, that you absolutely must keep writing this! I'm pretty sure anyone who liked this will appreciate your doing so. xD

You are like the best reviewer ever! The one thing I dislike about your review is the fact I'll most likely have to work on this piece for a longer period of time than an hour; a good thing too. I might admit I rushed through this but now, with your clear guidelines and wonderful review, I can revise it to be so much better Yay!