Saving Aleogra -The Trouble Inside- Chapter 2

~~2~~
~~The Trouble in Aleogra~~

Delanie groaned as she felt herself being shaken from her sleep. Her mother always woke her up at ungodly hours and Delanie felt like she had barely slept at all. She sighed as the shaking persisted, finally mumbling a groggy protest. The shaking stopped and she rolled over, trying to get away from the annoyingly bright light her eyelids barely filtered. She groaned again, rolling over once more to escape the blinding light. With a shriek, Delanie found herself sprawled on the floor, wide awake. Grumbling, she got up, straightening her pink tanktop and adjusting her jean shorts. “Go away, mom,” she mumbled under her breath. Did her mother always have to wake her up? Delanie looked up and froze. The girl in front of her was most definitely not her mom. In fact, when she looked closer, this girl had pointed ears and a very petite frame. Her long silver hair cascaded down her back and when she moved, her hair followed in one fluid movement. The girl was tall but had a petite frame and her limbs were all slender. She was clad in a long green dress that swept the floor dramatically. It was strapless and cinched around the waist. Her large, intense green eyes seemed to penetrate Delanie’s soul and she held herself very gracefully.

The next thing she noticed was the strange surroundings. They were definitely not in her room. She couldn't remember how she got into this new house and she quickly flashed back to the previous morning about her mother reading the paper. There was a story on a group of fanatic kidnappers who often took teenagers to participate in their sick roleplays and Delanie couldn't help but wonder if she'd been abducted by a group of adults who dressed up as Squirtles and Pikachus. Her heart began to beat and her mind began to scramble. "Are you going to make me dress up as a pokemon?" she blurted and covered her mouth at the girl's confused expression.

“What?" the girl asked, striding forward to bring her to the bed. Delanie struggled but the mysterious kidnapper seemed to be much stronger than Delanie and successfully brought her to the bed on the second tier of the room. “I’m Ivy and I won’t hurt you,” she said soothingly and the human beside her stopped struggling at the small reassurance. “What do you want with me?” Delanie asked warily. Hundreds of questions flicked through her mind as she tried to sort out how she could’ve possibly got there and what this girl would want with her. She didn't think she fell asleep in the forest and she certainly never remembered visiting her favorite pub.Maybe she was ina dream, but the only thing pinching herself accomplished was leaving a small red welt. There was a strange block in her memories and she kept hearing music every time she tried to get around it. She sighed, it was a sure sign of intoxicatioon or at least being drugged. “I’m Ivy,” the girl repeated, talking slow. “Do you remember anything from last night? The dancing, the music?” she prompted and Delanie’s brow furrowed. Dancing? Music? That sounded a lot like her favorite Main Street club, McGryers. Delanie's eyes opened wide as she looked at the girl. Several theories danced through her mind but they were to awful to thing of.

Suddenly, the block in Delanie’s mind lifted and memories rushed back like a floodgate had been opened. She remembered going into the forest and being captivated by the beautiful dancers and their enticing voices. She also remembered being kidnapped. “You!” Delanie said accusingly, pointing her finger at Ivy. “You kidnapped me!” she exclaimed, rage building in her voice. Who the hell was this mysterious kidnapper? Ivy shook her head slowly, a motion which fuelled the fiery rage inside of her.

“No, I was protecting you. I am protecting you!” Ivy pleaded. “Just listen!” Delanie got up from the bed, striding across the strange house to stare at Ivy. “What?” she demanded, her irate feelings creeping into her tone. “What?” she repeated, more forceful this time. Ivy sighed and stood up, careful not to come closer to Delanie. “First things first... I am an elf,” she said and Delanie gasped in protest, opening her mouth to let a fiery train of insults proceed but Ivy held up her hands to stop her. “I am an elf. Look,” Ivy repeated and she strode across the room, her bare feet pittering against the floor.

She titled her head down, pulling strands of silver hair behind her ear and revealing them. “See,” Ivy pleaded, referring to the pointed tips of her ears. Delanie’s heart began to beat faster as she hesitantly traced Ivy’s ears to the very tips. She nodded her head and replied tightly, “I believe you. Now why did you kidnap me?” Straightening to her full height, Ivy was at least three inches taller than Delanie. “Allacus,” was the only word she said before trotting to the bed and plopping herself on its covers. “Allacus is the King of Aleogra, but he got there by lying and cheating and forcing our true monarchs to step down. You see, Queen Alagaria and King Juranian were our monarchs and they ruled fair and true. Allacus has always been a trouble-maker and messing with the dark forms of magic, a fallen elf we call them. Well, he was banned from our city, Aleogra, and he never forgave the monarchs for that.

“Just this year, he invaded Aleogra in the night time and murdered King Juranian while his men put Queen Alagaria in the dungeon below the royal palace. Shortly after that he let all the rest of the fallen elves in, his little cult, and the city just isn’t safe anymore. But that’s not the reason why humans are in danger,” Ivy whispered, motioning Delanie to sit on the bed with her. Cautiously Delanie joined Ivy on the mattress and she continued her story. Delanie watched Ivy in fascination, paying attention to the story. She just couldn't believe Ivy was really an elf. She had the curved ears and all, but elves were just fairytales, right? “Mother Alleia, the ancient seer in Aleogra died a couple months ago. She called me to her deathbed, being my great grandmother and all, and told me of the final prophecy I had to deliver to all the residents of Aleogra. It went something like this,” Ivy whispered and Delanie watched in fascination as this strange elf stood up and began twisting her fingers in what one would call a dance. A green ball of light appeared and Ivy began to talk. Whenever Ivy opened her mouth, the ball of green light flared.


Ivy looked at Delanie sadly and Delanie seemed to know what the glance meant. It was pain for losing their city, becoming slaves to the dark King and losing their safety and happiness. She smiled sadly at Ivy and nodded. "So you're an elf and you're city has been abducted by a dark elf," Delanie said, trying not to smile at the unrealisitc feel of the words. "What does that have to do with me?" Ivy smiled at her, her face showing all too clearly her answer. "You're a human. It mentions humans in the prophecy... You could save us!" she pleaded but Delanie shook her head. "It's wrong. I'm not brave and I certainly can't save a group of elves. I. Am. A. Human!" she emphasized but Ivy shook her head. "You can save us!" Ivy called but her comment fell on deaf ears as Delanie strode towards the door, intent on leaving.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Ivy said darkly. "Another reason why I grabbed you was because of your safety. I announced this prophecy and Allacus freaked out. He set up crazy rules and laws, making it impossible for a human to get into the city. Evidence of human activity means immediate jail time for the elf..." she paused before continuing. "And death for the human."

Delanie stopped in her tracks and looked back at Ivy. "Death?" she asked weakly and Ivy nodded. Delanie was about to ask another question when there was a forceful knock on the door. The door frame quivered and she looked frantically at Ivy. Her eyes asked the question she wasn't allowed to say. What do I do? Ivy put her finger to her lips and motioned for Delanie to get under the bed. "Who is it?" Ivy called in a sweet voice. Her kindness was shot down by the rude answer from the man on the other side of the door.

"Let me in. I'm from the Royal Guard. Some elves who live around here say you've got a human in there," Delanie looked at Ivy with a look of pure panic before sliding under the bed.

Hello, I'm Nephthys and I am here to review your lovely story.

Delanie groaned as she felt herself being shaken from her sleep.

First of all, I can't help but notice that your main character has the same name as your username. This is a little worrying, as I find that if you start to feel personally connected to a character, then often you unintentionally transform the character into a Mary Sue. I would suggest trying to distance yourself from the character as much as possible- try and give her some characteristics and flaws that are the opposite of yourself, so that you can avoid making the character too Mary-Sueish.

dusted herself up.

I'm a little worried about the condition of this girl's bedroom if she has to dust herself off after falling on the floor. I think you maybe meant that she straightened her clothes- is there a different way that you could phrase this?

“Go away, mom,” she growled to herself.

This wording here is also a little confusing - is she her own mom? I would suggest "under her breath" instead of "to herself", as "under her breath" would be less misleading.

Her piercing green eyes

I know that "piercing" may be an accurate way to describe this character's eyes, but is it very overused, to the point that I cringed upon reading this. Is there another way that you can get your meaning across?

the way she held herself was equivalent to a professional ballerina.

Again, another slightly awkward phrasing.

“What the hell am I doing here?

You haven't said yet that Delanie is not where she's supposed to be

Who the hell are you?

I know that in this type of story, where a character is thrown into an unfamiliar world, it's very hard to avoid this question. However, this is an especially common sequence: character wakes up, sees stranger, says "who are you?". I think that if you can find something else for Delanie to say first, it could be a great opportunity to show the reader something unique about your character, as well as avoid a cliche. For example: "Elves are real! I so called it!" or "I didn't think I had that much to drink" would both tell us a lot about the character (I'm pretty sure that's not where you want to go with Delanie, but those were just examples).

Obviously it is going to be very hard to avoid questions like "who are you?" but if try to delay them for as long as possible, or phrase them in new ways, the story will feel more original.

Where was she? Who was this girl? How did she even get here? Hundreds of questions flicked through her mind as she tried to sort out how she could’ve possibly got here.

You've already told the reader this. Try giving us some examples of exactly what Delanie's theories are about how she got to this place. This is another great opportunity for characterization.

striding across the forest-themed house

This is the first that we're hearing of the house, yet you mention it as if it has already been established. Give us some more detail; specifically what about the house is forest themed?

"So you're an elf and you're city has been abducted by a dark elf,"

This seems like not a very smart move on Ivy's part. Obviously Delanie would react badly to being told all that information in one go. I would suggest either poking fun at how dumb Ivy is, or giving Ivy a better way of introducing the information (ex: setting up a feast in honour of Delanie, and putting her in a better frame of mind to want to help.)

strided towards the door,

strode

OVERALL:

1) I am very much liking the idea for this story! Elves are awesome! We definitely need more elf stories!

2) You wrote a very lovely prophecy, but they are VERY overused. Is there any other reason for Ivy kidnapping Delanie that you can use?

3) Watch out for sentences that have double meanings, or that sound right, but don't quite mean what you want them to. (Ex: the bit where Delanie dusts herself off)

4) Because the story of a character being thrown into an unfamiliar world is a such a popular one, look for opportunities to go as far away from the expected cliches as possible.

I hope that this review is helpful, please feel free to ask me if you have any questions about it

Thanks for the review, most of what you said was very truthful. I disagree with your first statement. She is nothing like me. I have become greatly attached to Delanie, using her in almost every possible circumstance but her character map is very laid out and her personality different from my own.

I'm glad you like it though. About the prophecy, I know it's rather used up but it's what the story is based upon and changing that means changing the story and I'm not willing to ruin my plot. Perhaps I'll add Delanie had a very strong magical feel, or something like that.

Thanks for the review, I changed up a lot of things there and glad you like. Please review my things in the future, you're such a great reviewer

"Are you going to make me dress up as a pokemon?"--why do I feel like Delainie has been taking MDMA, street name Ecstasy?

Anyway, I usually don't enjoy stories like this, but I am actually kind of interested, and the suspense is killing me!!!!!!!!

The colored print is soooooo beautiful and enveloping, it's just magical...



"For only one will save us
From being his slave" "Us" means multiple people, so how can "we" be his "slave" you know...

Some problems, but nothing too glaring or horrid, no offense, it was much better than the 1st part! Kind of interesting.

But I'm worried that you may be writing from personal experience, since you have the same name...were you abducted by elves, have you been taking MDMA....do you live in Canada?

It all makes sense, ooooooohhhhhhhhhhh...

anyway, keep it up.

Thanks. I do admit that the first chapter was strained. This one came so much more easy I love pretty colors and I'm kind of ignoring when they said if you stick to black all will be good... Black is sooo boring! Anyways, thanks for the review and I'm glad nothing was too awful

Hi again! I decided to review this chapter as well since I reviewed the first. I like where this story is going and can't stand the suspense of what's going to happen next. But luckily for me, you posted the third chapter, which I'm going to read next. :) Again, I saw a few typos that can easily be fixed. For example

"So you're an elf and you're city has been abducted by a dark elf," Delanie said,

This should be simply "your". I understand that you like colors but I would suggest choosing maybe a darker color so that it's not so hard on the readers' eyes. I found myself squinting (even though I have really good eyes) and felt that my eyes got tired faster, which made me want to stop reading but I found the story was too intriguing. Of course, I could have just copied and pasted the material so that I could change the color, but it's just a suggestion. Also, as I said in my previous comment on chapter one, it gets annoying when names are overused when not needed. Keep them coming! :)