From a father to his son

No august prophet could have augured,
Nor honest author could have portrayed,
The plangent sky that morning rang,
The plagal tone those mourners sang.

I speak forebodingly,
Foreknowingly.

The pangs of grief,
That pain so brief,
The hour gone,
But never seemed to end.

In that screaming silence,
In memoriam patre.

I cannot feel
Your ache,
Your loss,
And mine.

-------------------

My half heartedness leaves the poem to an abrupt stop.
I wrote this in memory of a friend's father, passed on recently.

Awww. So sad! I can only imagine what losing a dad must be like. And the dad himself addressing the son about his loss? Great. Awful.

One thing: I probably would not have thought it exceptionally cut short had you not pointed it out. My speech teacher always says, "Never tell people it's going to be bad, or they'll believe you." On the other hand, this poem is even sadder when one understands what you're talking about, so I would leave the other part of the postscript. Or perhaps finish the poem and make it clearer? Of course, the whole point of poetry is to shroud your meaning in metaphor. Otherwise you would just be writing prose.

The first stanza especially is well written. Only, you make some things rhyme and not others? Is that stylistic?

The third stanza does an excellent job of expressing both anguish and brevity. A short, powerful verse.

Expressive and well done.

Welcome to YWS, if you plan to stick around. Do you write a lot? Maybe we'll see some finished stuff.

Mrs.E.D.

No august prophet could have augured,
Nor honest author could have portrayed, Love!
The plangent sky that morning rang,
The plagal tone those mourners sang. Hmm. Plangent and plagal are too similar of words. It kind of sounds odd.

I speak forebodingly,
Foreknowingly.
The pangs of grief,
That pain so brief, What a great stanza! ^.^

The hour gone,
But never seemed to end. Is sounds like there are too many syllables in this one compared the the previous line.
In that screaming silence,
In memoriam patre. Was this stanza supposed to have the same rhyme scheme as the others?

I cannot feel
Your ache,
Your loss,
And mine. Nice writing. A good stanza but I can't help notice the absence of a previous rhyme scheme...

First of all, welcome to YWS! We love new members I'm Delanie and I have the top reviewing spot currently, so you might see my around.

This poem is good but there is one thing I have to say, no two... Where is the feeling? There's so much more emotion you could put into this poem, bulking it up and creating a powerful piece of literature. Also, you changed from ABCC ABCC to ABCD ABCD. I don't know if you meant that, but perhaps you could switch up the words and therefore perfecting the rhyme scheme.

If you have any questions, PM me!!

-- Delanie