A Cutter's Fate

It is a very nice poem, however it does not draw the reader in. You basically tell everything that the reader needs to know instead of showing it. That is a hard thing to do with a poem. I also would reccommend focusing on the subject's feelings instead on him/her cutting himself/herself. It would be interesting to feel the subject's feelings pour through in this type of piece. Right now, it's a bit bleh right now. Sorry, that's just my opinion anyway. It might be too harsh though, so I'm sorry.

Meh, there's always those ones. Thanks for the review but I don't understand completely what you're talking about. The style of writing you like is different from mine; thanks for the feedback though!

Hey there,

As a person who used to have these problems (and still fights it from time to time), I can definitely relate to this. (Although no one died in my case.) I have to agree with Paperback a bit, though... It doesn't display enough emotion. To put it simply, I'll compare it to a house: It's built, but only halfway furnished. The bones are in good working order, but it isn't completely fleshed out.

There you are
Smiling at me
Behind a large wall
Pain is hard to see

I just don't really see what this is supposed to mean. I don't get it.

So everyday
I continue to weep
And everyday
I cut in so deep

This would be a good place to add more emotional touches.

Emotion evades me
So it's pain I create

Okay... Um, just a technicality nit-pick here. I can have no idea of your own experiences (or lack of), but typically, especially in my case, it is the overwhelming atmosphere that causes cutting. Incredible sadness, incredible anger, incredible fear... That kind of thing. True, when apathetic it happened, too. But most of the time it was caused by the emotions, rather than the lack thereof.

Anyway, in general I thought it was quite good. It reminded me not to go back to that place. Ever. I think I'll stick this in my favorite bar, just for that purpose of remembrance. It flowed well, and I liked the rhyming. (It's always harder than one would think!) So thank you for reminding me of this crucial point. *tips hat*

I hope I helped and keep up the great work!
~ Alex

Thanks for the review, I guess I'll have to give it a good one-over tonight. As for the experience, I have lots, trust me. A poem is generally written for the author and this one relates to me. I got so tired of feeling nothing, of feeling useless that I began to crave that feeling, hence cutting.

It also deals with my friend who eventually comitted suicide. I'm not trying to be rude, and I'm grateful for your reviews, but a poem is for the author. I see what you mean about not having enough emotion, I kind of made it as a story of her life, what happened, blahdeblah.

Thanks for all the reviews though, and I'm glad at least my poetry isn't awful

I loved this.
I agree, at some points, more emotion instead of action would've been appreciated, but overall this is incredible.
Cutting is a struggle for me so i can definitely relate to your emotions - and lack thereof.
Although MoonlightAssassin diagrees, the part of the piece where you say,
"Emotion evades me
So it's pain i create"
Is one of my favorite parts.
Some of the time i cut, it was because i couldn't deal with my depression, but frequently it was because i felt nothing. I was numb. So cutting was a way to feel something, anything, even pain.
This is one of my favorite poems i've seen in a while - thanks for posting!

- PurpleHeart

Yeah. I portray more of her narrative story but I could create more stanzas as to why she is cutting or what she's feeling. I used to have problems with self-harm and because I would go along with all my friends, laugh and have fun and put up a great front but when I got home, it would be null. I'd go back to nothing and I craved the feelings all my friends clearly had.

So pain was an outlet. I think I'll rewrite it just for you. Oh, and that stanza was my fave too *Follow*

*Ahem*
So So So So Gooood!!!
I loved it before, but i love it 80% more now!
I was scared that changing it at all would ruin it, or create a different effect, but you changed just the right words and added just the right amount of emotion and description and you changed it completely but you didn't really alter it --
I am truly impressed. And you're only 13? Mann... Excellent(:

-PurpleHeart

Hehe, thanks I'm glad there are such things as reviewers. I was like screw it when people said I needed more emotion but it is a lot better now! Wooot! GO REVIEWERS! <3

Anyways, glad you like it. I'm really happy with it now, however morbid it may be. I showed my mom and she was like, "Lemme see your wrists," Ahaha, good times. Anyways, yeah, I'm 13 but have been writing for like ever. I actually have a small book published that I wrote when I was 8.

I love writing and poetry is like ma bitch. I love it And hey, you're only one year older than me!

Oww...my wrists hurt just reading this poem. Errgh. I don't think I'm old enough for this stuff--thank you for the 'morbid' warning.

Do you know people who cut themselves? I hope you've never done it. This is an excellent portrayal of an awful thing, though. It feels just like I imagine the real thing would...ugh ugh ugh. Ugh. Ow. *continues*

Artistically, a good poem. Realistic with good rhythm and rhyme. Obviously, I dislike the topic, but you did well, if graphically, with it, and it is a real thing that really happens.

Okay, now that I've commented on its realism five times...

I like the fact that the wording is consistent, putting the object first and then the verb phrase. It ties it all in together. I don't know if you intended this, but it also gives a sort of loopiness to the otherwise seemingly very logical thinking of this person. You know, it runs in a straight line and is very precise--but it's backwards.

Oogh. Oww. I am now going to hide in a corner until I get these images out of my head. Ugh!

Mrs.E.D.

Hehe, I'm glad you liked it I don't cut, I never have but I used to involve myself in self-harm, not being specific for you I know a friend who used to cut, I think she stopped, but she told me it was because she couldn't feel anything anymore. She said her pain on the outside helped mask the numb pain on the inside.

It's sad, yes, but I'm glad the poem looks well written to you. My wrists hurt too, and I swear the scars grew smaller with each stanza. Glad you think it's an excellent piece of writing. The topic is very real and very much alive in today's society, happening more and more...

Thanks <3

What else can I say? This was fabulous. Every stanza just poured a story. Unlike a lot of the other people here I thought there was a lot of emotion. There are a few nitpicks that I'm gonna point out.

Masked behind make up
Hidden behind hair
Yet all the pain
I still boldly bear

Make-up is spelled make-up, not make up.

So long ago
I remember it clearly
All feelings fled me
I lost my loved dearly

I would change this to I lost the thing I loved dearly. Or something to that degree

Of the blood I do fell

This should be Of the blood that fell

It was very good, so good job. I'm glad that you gave a message.


-thestorygirl

Hello, m'dear, Tori here. Let's get right to it.

So, I didn't like this poem. It really just sounded like a stereotypical emo poem to me. Now, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against people who self-harm (I've unfortunately had experience with that myself) or people who like to write these little emo poems. But I feel like poems such as this are monumental wastes of talent. It's a cliche subject; told from a cliche first person POV. You can do so much more.

Here are my edits, in RED:

A Cutter's Fate

There you are
Smiling at me
Behind a large wall
Pain is hard to see

Every new day
It's a vice (this word choice could be better)
I need a relief
My wrists I slice (the wording of this is awkward)

The fate I succumb to
Your memories invite
Me slowly falling
To hell in my flight (this stanza makes very little sense. It sounds like you just mushed together words that rhymed and related to the subject)

Masked behind make up
Hidden behind hair
Yet all the pain
I still boldly bear (You're bearing it boldly? I thought you were hiding it....)

My room is a shelter
My peace is a boat
Blood drips, blood falls (cliche)
Feelings keep me afloat (This isn't a terrible stanza. I like the float/boat analogy.)

Without nothing I'm useless (This makes no sense...)
With pain I can feel
It fills me with something
Something that's real (cliche)

So long ago
I remember it clearly
All feelings fled me
I lost my loved dearly (this line needs rewording. 'loved' is past tense)

Since then I've been hiding
From the love I desire
I know he is gone
The one I admire (and this is incredibly cliche)

So everyday
I continue to weep
And everyday
I cut in so deep (oh, my. emo sterotype?)

Emotion evades me
So it's pain I create
The blade is my friend
Holding my own cutting fate (this last line almost sounds cutesy.)

With every soft drip
Of the blood I do fell (clicheeeee, and 'fell' is a poor word choice.)
I'm hurting so good (this line made me chuckle. I think every person to ever impersonate an emo has said this.)
Dragging me deeper to hell

Sometimes they tell me
To let it all go
Yet I cannot
Would it be you I still know? (awkward)

My madness invites
My heart is not hurting (why would it be...?)
I smile at the pain
My wrists wet and spurting (uhm.... unless you slit an artery, it'll be a drip, not a spurt. and the rhyme takes any potential shock out of the line)

I continue to sink
Deeper in this rut
I continue to die
With every new cut (very cliche, but not a terrible stanza)

I do not mind
The pain I can bear
And with every cut
I get closer to there (it sounds like you're almost rambling now.)

Soon, my dear
Soon I will see
Your lovely blue eyes
Looking back at me (cliche. why does the love interest always have blue eyes??)

So the knife surges
I change its direction
Straight for my heart
It makes the connection (Anatomically speaking, it's almost impossible to stab yourself in the heart cleanly and die. You'd be far more likely to hit a rib or miss it)

Finally I'm laughing
Emotions each breath
Finally I'm dying
Emotions during death (you said emotion twice; and this is another cliche emo stanza)

The light turns to dark
As I picture your face
My body shuts down
As I picture your place (sigh.)

A heaven so beautiful
I feel your warm gaze
A hell so frightening
I'm lost in this maze (this is very inconclusive)

There we go. So overall, this is incredibly cliche. It sounds like very other emo poem I've ever read. The rhyme scheme is boring and monotonous. There is no real emotion in this poem- all we get is "I like to cut myself 'cuz it feels good. I miss my boyfriend. I'm gonna die now. Bai!"

If you want a really emotional, depressing, dark and gruesome poem, don't follow the typical emo poetry path. Be creative! Focus on the aspects of the depression. Rather than focusing on the blood and cuts, focus on the mindset and the aftermath. Have a creative rhyme scheme; and use highly-crafted vocabulary.

I realise I'm being incredibly harsh; and I apologise. I'm doing this because I see talent in your writing- you have a good ear for keeping the pace and rhymes, and you obviously have a flair for gore. I hope to see you put these skills to work. Don't be dissapointed; keep writing. You will only get better.

By the way, if you're looking for some truly good "emo" poetry- and I mean the original "emo"- check out Sylvia Plath. You might especially enjoy her poem "Cut". She was an absolute genius; and I think you could draw a lot of inspiration from her works.

Good luck in your writing!

-Tori

I have dealt with this before, cutting myself. So, I think your message is beautifully thought out, but try not using rhyme next time. You will find it opens up many possibilities.

Hi Delanie

Honestly, I like it. I think it's good, and relatable, but I'm sorry to say I agree with Tori on some parts.

If you don't want the 'emo' stereotype to live on, you shouldn't feed it life. This poem is kind of cliche, and it does sound like every other cutting poem I've ever read. I think you describe the actual acton greatly, but you're not very emotional at all. You don't tell us why you did it, you just basically describe cutting yourself in different words almost each stanza. You bring us cold, hard pain, but don't do much to describe the reason. Unless you lost your lover, and that's your only reason, then.... okay, whatever floats your boat.

Nitpicks:

Masked behind make up
Hidden behind hair
Yet all the pain
I still boldly bear Boldly? I thought you were masked.

So everyday
I continue to weep
And everyday
I cut in so deep This is entirely lacking in emotion. Also, try not to repeat a word in one stanza.

With every soft drip
Of the blood I do fell 'Of the blood I do fell' just sounds... weird...
I'm hurting so good This line needs rewritten. Just, please.
Dragging me deeper to hell

Finally I'm laughing
Emotions each breath
Finally I'm dying
Emotions during death Saying the word 'emotions' doesn't actually add any emotion.

Okay, so there you go! I sincerely hope I wasn't too harsh because all this poem needs to be great is some tweaks here and there. And I know I said you lacked emotion a lot, but really it's your main problem in this. The actions all there, but you don't manage to pull off the feelings behind the action. Fix it up, and let me know when you do.

~BTM