Set: Into the Shadows

I open my eyes. I'm alive. I lean my head back and groan, throwing the empty bottle against the wall. I wasted two hours sleeping and now Mom and Dad would be home soon. Damn them all! I throw myself on my bed and crumple the paper in my hand. Those asses, why did they have to be around here?

I hear the door click open and with my foot, I slam my door shut. I refuse to move from my bed to acknowledge their prescence, how meager they are.

They sheepishly walk down the stairs to their room, whispering along the way. I can hear them now. "Stupid brat." "Why do we have such an ungrateful child?" "Should of gotten an abortion." The same old things, the same old comments, all the same old blahblahblah game we play.

I glare at the walls and he steps through the wall, screaming. "What the hell were you doing?! What stunt were you fucking trying to pull?!"

I moan and throw a pillow at him. "I was trying to die, you no good son of a bitch," I mutter, rolling my eyes. That was obvious by the bottle of pills in my hands.

The man sat on my bed and sighed. "I would smack you, but that's completely pointless," he muttered, balling his fists, making them paler than usual. I can see the yellow stains as he grits his teeth, thinking of ways to help his creator. "Why the fuck do you want to get rid of us?"

I shrug and sit up. "You're a nuisance. You drive me nuts." I feel his arms wrap around my shoulders. No, not his, but him, Mr. Shadow Man. He is willing me to die, clearing my mind of everything but death. My crumpled body would be so beautiful to him, so that we would end this craziness that engulfed us.

I open my eyes and I am in front of the knife block. My hands wrap around the smallest knife, my favorite. I place it against the tender point at my wrist, letting out a small moan. It's been weeks since I felt it against my skin. A small of blood forms as I twist it into my skin, not feeling anything but ecstacy. Just a bit deeper, a stroke longer, closer and--

"STOP!"

I drop the knife onto the floor, scared. His fist is above my face, with pure rage in his blue eyes. Funny, I never really focused on them before. It would have been nice to talk to him before this point.

I put my hand against his cheek to stop him. For a second, he looked like a normal boy in this small hick town. A young blonde, fixing cars, staining his wifebeater with oil and gas, pulling out a cigarette when he needed it, the type of boy I would talk to on Sunday nights. I run my hand along his cheek and sigh. "It's alright Michael. I won't let you be forgotten."

I watch him step back, his eyes mixed with shock and disappointment. Then, he was gone.

My head sinks on to the top of the counter. Michael, my one regret. I wish we could have been friends.

Spoiler

The second part to my series Ready To Fall, based on real events. Give me all of your opinions, and don't be nice. Thank you.

This is interesting, I don't really know what's happening, but that doesn't matter. Really strong, though you may want to hold back on the tone and let me figure out your feelings on my own--you hit the reader over the head with your tone man--

"Damn them all!---Those asses, why did they have to be around here?---refuse...to acknowledge their prescence, how meager they are.---"Stupid brat." "Why do we have such an ungrateful child?" "Should of gotten an abortion." The same old things, the same old comments, all the same old blahblahblah #FF0000 ">(eh.) game we play. #FF0000 ">(You don't need to keep putting end quotes, unless they are having a conversation, then specify that they are indeed having a conversation.)---you no good son of a bitch---That was obvious---I would smack you, but that's completely pointless---You're a nuisance---you see what I mean.

You tell me too much, you should let me discover these feelings. And I also think you should hold back on the cursing, though it can be used to great effect, too much just shows that a writer has a limited vocabulary, even though you seem to be describing a real-life situation, then it seems that these characters are just ignorant and makes me not want to waste my time reading this story-you don't really seem to care about how your characters are seen.

Something that is definitely palpable here is the angst, and that is good, but harness it and use it to better effect, we've seen this a thousand times, and with all the shit on MTV and whatever it has gotten incredibly old.

And clear up what you are talking about, I think it is suicide, but you do a good job loosing me with all the jumping around--

" Mr. Shadow Man" ????????????

I like where this can be taken, but it needs some work and editing, I hate editing my stuff, I feel like I'm whorring myself out, but it is necessary.

In one word, ANGSTY.

And that is a good word.

Hey oh!

First, I just want to say I like your titling theme. I don't know what it is about it, but I find it interesting.

Second, just like the last part, this one felt really quick. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be experiencing for most of it or what exactly was going on because it all went so fast. Slow down, take the time to let the emotions come naturally.

I agree with Bol too about the language. I don't have a real problem with profanity in stories if it makes an emotional impact, but too much all in a small space like that and you lose that potential impact. Swearing constantly just makes the characters seem unoriginal and doesn't do much to convey any type of subtle emotion. Instead, it just all sounds childish and angry, regardless of context. We lose any sort of differences in feeling.

I do want to finish this story to see exactly what happens, but I still don't really feel connected. And that's important for a story with obviously as much emotion as this has behind it. The problem is that the emotion isn't coming through in the story. Let the characters shine a bit. Explain a little of what has happened. Show a little downtime, a little bit of inner thought, a bit slower action. Develop the characters and let us get attached so that we care that there is a breakdown going on.

Peace out!

~GryphonFledgling