Ready: Into the Shadows.

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1022
Reviews 139
Take a deep breath and I calm my racing heart. What time is it? It's 6:52 and I have about two more hours before they get home, two hours of delicious debate and alone time to do whatever my heart desired. I sit down in my chair and play with the bottle in my hands. It's pills that drowned me in a sea of nightmares and desires. Tina says I need them. I want to vomit them up.

He sits across from me, laughing. His hat hides his vicious cold eyes. I normally see them at night, when he wraps his hands around my delicate throat or when he places that cruel blade at my wrist or when he forced me to end that relationship after I was so happy once.

Once upon a time, he was all I had.

He chuckles, knowing everything I thought. "We were meant to be together, right my little Nani?" he asked, taking the bottle of pills from my hands.

I shudder when he uses that old nickname I allow no one to call me. It is childish, but I snatch the pills away from him. "What are you doing here? Go back to where you came from," I say quietly.

One, two, down the tube.

He stands up and smiles. It's a true smile, one I saw when I was a kid. "I just am here to say my goodbyes, dear Nani. I will see you on the other side." He moves to stand by the door.

I watch him and laugh. He looks like a dark shadow, someone you'd see going down a dark alley before disappearing completely. "Where are the others?" I ask, digging my hands into the bottle.

Three, four, down on the floor.

The shadow man watches me sink down. The hardfloor is so undignified and dirty. I can see some remains of food on it, along with water stains and dirt. He kneels beside me. "The others are angry. They wanted you to survive."

"I hope they disappear," I snarl, shivering. I should have prepared better. I should have brought a blanket with.

Five, six, another fix.

He helps me up and I go back to my room. I want to prepare. "What will you tell your parents? They'll miss you," he said sadly.

I shake my head and giggle. "They forgot about me before," I whisper, holding back my laugh. "They can forget again." I touch my necklace, Father's necklace. This was before they left me with their mess.

Seven, eight, take them straight.
I grab a peice of paper and scribble some nonsense on it. About how sorry I was, and how it's not their fault. I am sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't do this sooner. I am sorry that I was so unselfish to stay around so I would keep them happy, even if it meant raising my sister and doing whatever they said. But this is my life and I plan to take it.

I watch my dark man, the shadow man. He always stood by my side, and chose what to make me do. I suppose he thought of me as a puppet and a friend. A friend when I paid attention, and a puppet when he was sick of what I was doing. I hated him and loved him. I wrote the last part to him, hoping he could read it even when I left.

Nine, ten.

I am sorry my friend.

Spoiler
This is partly true, based on a very real situation I had. I don't believe this is perfect, far from it. I plan on writing a three part story with this. This is the the Ready part. Feedback is appreciated and I would like to know your interpretation of this. Thank you.
There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. -Anonymous.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1817
Reviews 82
Spoiler
Take a deep breath and I to calm my racing heart. What time is it? It's 6:52. I have about two more hours before they get home, two hours of delicious debate and alone time to do whatever my heart desired. I sit down in my chair and play with the bottle in my hands. It's these pills that drowned me in a sea of nightmares and desires. Tina says I need them. I want to vomit them up. I really like your intro. Your tense changed a bit so that's what the little correction above was. Very powerful.

He sits across from me, laughing. His hat hides his vicious cold eyes. I normally see them at night, when he wraps his hands around my delicate throat or when he places that cruel blade at my wrist or when he forced me to end that relationship after I was so happy once. I would try rewording that last sentance; maybe take out 'after' and make 'I was so happy once' a seperate sentance. Otherwise, very good character development. I'm interested to see how this shady character affects the story.

Once upon a time, he was all I had.

He chuckles, knowing everything I thought. "We were meant to be together, right my little Nani?" he asked, taking the bottle of pills from my hands. Your tense changes. Either keep it chuckles or chuckled. Asks or asked.

I shudder when he uses that old nickname I allow no one to call me. I feel childish as I snatch the pills away from him. "What are you doing here? Go back to where you came from," I say quietly.

One, two, down the tube. Very eerie. You capture the feeling beautifully without overusing language.

He stands up and smiles. It's a true smile, one I saw when I was a kid. "I just am here to say my goodbyes, dear Nani. I will see you on the other side." He moves to stand by the door. Blagh! This is getting eerier!

I watch him and laugh. He looks like a dark shadow, someone you'd see going down a dark alley before disappearing completely. "Where are the others?" I ask, digging my hands into the bottle. Capturing paragraph!

Three, four, down on the floor.

The shadow man watches me sink down. The hardfloor is so undignified and dirty. I can see some remains of food on it, along with water stains and dirt. He kneels beside me. "The others are angry. They wanted you to survive." Ugh, I love your tone here. Poetic and tragic at the same time.

"I hope they disappear," I snarl, shivering. I should have prepared better. I should have brought a blanket with.

Five, six, another fix.

He helps me up and I go back to my room. I want to prepare. "What will you tell your parents? They'll miss you," he said sadly.

I shake my head and giggle. "They forgot about me before," I whisper, holding back my laugh. "They can forget again." I touch my necklace, Father's necklace. This was before they left me with their mess. What was before they left her with their mess?

Seven, eight, take them straight.

I grab a piece of paper and scribble some nonsense on it. About how sorry I was, and how it's not their fault. I am sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't do this sooner. I am sorry that I was so unselfish to stay around so I would keep them happy, even if it meant raising my sister and doing whatever they said. But this is my life and I plan to take it.

I watch my dark man, the shadow man. He always stood by my side, and chose what to make me do. I suppose he thought of me as a puppet and a friend. A friend when I paid attention, and a puppet when he was sick of what I was doing. I hated him and loved him. I wrote the last part to him, hoping he could read it even when I left.

Nine, ten.

I am sorry my friend.


My suggestions are in the spoiler. (:

Ugh. This story captures sorrow, desperateness, and one very important decision exquisitely. I love the shadow man. He's the perfect mix of controlling, creepy, and likable. The way you describe him isn't overdone or exaggerated so he seems to be very real. I can imagine his face.

It's always hard to critique stories that you can relate to. This certain feeling I have never felt, but I have helped friends through glimpses of this. Glimpses that don't measure up to your experiences, but real ones nonetheless.

My favorite part of this story is your word budget. You were able to express such a strong feeling with very little words. You didn't try to cater to anyone's preferences... this story is real, and very raw.

Beautiful.

~Taylor
~formerly Ilovebubbles123

"There's only one thing
to do
three words
for you.
Ooh, I love you.

There's only one way
to say
those three words
that's what I'll do.
Ooh, I love you. "

For you.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1199
Reviews 4
It seems bubbles has already corrected everything I was going to mention, so I guess I'll just tell you how much I loved what you wrote. It was beautiful, absolutely magnificent. The wording was spectacular and the fact that you didn't make it overly exaggerated or way too long made it even better. The way you spoke make me actually have emotions toward the character, something many writers are unable to do. Everything seemed so realistic, but that could also be because I can relate to your MC. I hope everything else you write is as good as this, because this is amazing.
-Midnight
I'm smiling, that alone should scare you.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 805
Reviews 336
Hey,

I love this. I saw Mr. Shadow Man as either Death or one of the psycho voices in her head. I love the little rhyme thing. I love the descriptions. I love the anger seething off your character. This was a verrrry enjoyable piece and other than petty grammar mistakes, I couldn't find a thing wrong with it. Excellent job.

Favorite Line: I normally see them at night, when he wraps his hands around my delicate throat or when he places that cruel blade at my wrist or when he forced me to end that relationship after I was so happy once.

Grade: A+

~Jas
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30280
Reviews 529
Hey there!

I did take a quick glance at the other reviews but I'm sorry if I repeat anything.

I really enjoyed reading this. The subject matter is sad and I think you wrote it well, without it being too whiny or too vague.

The rhyme you had throughout the piece helped to describe the pills she was taking, and how many, without actually stating that she was taking them. It's both clever and original :)

I did catch a few things -

Tina says I need them.


Who is Tina? You only mention her once in the piece and I want to know who she is as it'll help add more background to your character and the story. Is she a friend? Her sister?

after I was so happy once.


you need 'for' after 'happy'

he asked, taking


You have the majority of the piece in present tense but a couple of times I noticed that you slipped to using past tense. Here for example, 'asked' should be 'asks'

They'll miss you," he said sadly.


And here, 'said' should be 'says'

About how sorry I was


And here, 'was' should be 'am'

Overall, I think you did a good job! I'm a bit confused as to who she was talking to throughout the story, but I'm guessing, like the other reviewer, that it is death?

I hope this review helps :)

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42011
Reviews 922
Hey hi!

The mood in the beginning confused me just a smidge.
Take a deep breath and I calm my racing heart. What time is it? It's 6:52 and I have about two more hours before they get home, two hours of delicious debate and alone time to do whatever my heart desired.

This sounds almost cheerful, sort of relaxing alone or something. But the next few sentences are all about crazy and despair and all that, so this seemed sort of out of place. The mood just feels a bit wrong.

Story-wise, I nibbled at the bait, but it didn't really hook me. It all blew by so quickly. I don't know anything about who these characters are or what their relationship to each other is. I liked the rhyme for the pills and I'm getting that there might be some sort of mental/supernatural phenomenon going on, but without any real feelings for the characters, I don't care all that much. Slow down just a little, let us get a handle on our viewpoint character more than anything. Where she is in her life, what the problem with these pills might be. Mysteriousness is fine, but give us just a bit more to chew on than what's here.

That said, I'm on to the next chapter.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



The first thing I do when I have a good quote is always to put a goat in it. uwu
— Liminality