Spirit

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Ashley

I never meant to die. Five simple, but fatal, mistakes led up to my death.
I remember my death-day clearly. It was a Monday, May second to be exact. I was riding my baby blue Beach Cruiser to Starbucks to pick up Mom’s daily latte. She couldn’t survive a day with out one, and today she needed one much more than usual because of a migraine. That was one of the first mistakes I made, going alone. I should have told Dad to come with me. Anyways, I walked into the store, my iPod at full blast. Mistake number two, music at maximum volume. I saw two men, with ski masks on their heads and guns in their hands. I froze, like a deer in headlights. I had only witnessed an armed robbery on the news, and never dreamed it would happen here. The two men saw me, and smirked. The hunters were going in for the kill. In the store, people were screaming, but I couldn’t hear a thing. My mind blanked out any sound other than my knocking knees and racing heart. The man who was slightly taller walked over to me, his gun in hand. I turned to run, but it was too late. Mistake three, not running as soon as I entered the shop. He wrapped his hands around my neck, and squeezed. I tried to force air into my lungs, but he had closed off my airway. I struggled, yet another stupid mistake. He squeezed harder and placed the gun against my head. I was turning purple, and tried desperately to kick his shins. Fifth mistake. He pulled the trigger and I was dead. My inner soul lost its connection to the rest of my body and released itself. I looked at my body and saw it sprawled out on the floor. Blood was pouring everywhere, and if I were alive I would’ve barfed. The men grabbed my limp body, as well as the money in the cash register. I followed them, wondering what they would do to my remaining flesh.
They ended up stuffing my body in the high branches of a tree by Starbucks. It was quite stupid of them. The tree trimmers would come to trim the bushy oak, and then find it. These men were idiots, and that was basically one of the only things I was sure of at the moment.

* * *


I watched my family carefully over the next week, and they were very distraught when I never came back from Starbucks. They put up ‘missing’ signs for me, sent out search parties, paid for ads in the paper, and did everything they possibly could to find me. It was depressing, and kind of pathetic. But I loved them for it. They honestly wanted me back. I wanted to talk to them so badly, but I restrained myself.
I was by the tree when the gardeners came. They made their rounds, trimming trees and what not, and started clipping my tree. When they reached the top branches, I could see a man’s face pale. “Pedro? Come up here a second,” he called down shakily. Pedro climbed up the ladder and his expression mirrored the man’s. He quietly said, “I believe we’ve found Ashley’s body.”
I zoomed to my family’s house at top speed. Being a ghost has a few advantages. You never get hungry, thirsty, or tire. I could run forever and not feel a thing. In a few minutes time I was at our house. My adoptive sister and father crowded around my mother, trying desperately to comfort her. They had gotten the call. I wanted to tell them how I had died, and what had happened, and that everything was okay. I couldn’t. I simply couldn’t. There was something forcing my mouth to remain closed, an imaginary hand covering my mouth. I struggled and tried to pry my jaw open, trying desperately to get rid of the mysterious hand covering my mouth. I relaxed, and the hand slipped away. It couldn’t have been a ghost, I thought. Or maybe.... No. It couldn’t be an angel. I am definitely losing my mind. It was just an illusion.
After my mom calmed down enough to speak, she told my father and sister what the men had seen. My sister started to cry softly, and my dad’s eyes started to tear up. They hugged each other as though it was the only thing left that would hold them together. I wanted to join in the hug and tell them that everything was okay, even when it wasn’t. Instead, I just stood there, watching them. After they departed their embrace, I decided to leave. Maybe the police had figured something out.
I lingered around the house for a few more moments before going back to my tree. Several cop cars had pulled up, and were investigating the area again. They analyzed my rotten corpse, and determined the obvious: that I had been murdered, I was strangled before death, and that a person using a gun killed me. I sighed. What good were police in a time like this? I couldn’t tell my family what happened, and all the police could figure out were the simplicities. I would have to take matter into my own hands.
I rushed over to my tree, which had grown to become my home. Maybe it was because my body was like a magnet to my soul, and I liked to be around where they last put it. I sat in the highest of its branches and wondered what I should do. I could not speak the truth because of that mysterious substance I had begun to call The Hand. That invisible thing troubled me. What is it? Why did it stop me? Will it stop me again? I remember thinking. I sat there for a while, thinking and wondering what I should do. At that very moment, a plan struck me. I knew exactly what I would do, but the risks were big and were hard to work around. But it was the only way to save myself from existing on this earth as a ghost forever.
Last edited by MangoTango on Sat Apr 09, 2011 2:57 pm, edited 6 times in total.
No one is normal, everyone is weird. Including you. Yes, YOU. The unstoppable, beautiful YOU is weird. And so am I. We all are.




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An interesting story...I like your frank, direct approach to writing: It's quite refreshing! So far, the only thing I would critique would be how quickly the story progressed. You don't want to rush it, so take your time. The 'five simple mistakes' opening was pretty good for catching your reader's attention as well. Overall, it was pretty good, but taking your time will also lengthen it. I hope you post more - Like I said, I really like your style, so keep it up! :)
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I agree with Sincerity. It's really good at getting the readers attention. You should write the next chapter, but make sure it's longer than this one. I like your writing, so keep it up! :wink:
Nobody is more obsessed with Jedward than I am...
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Heya Mango :)

Wow, this is very good. You have a very mature, no-nonsense way of writing that I really like. The five reasons for dying thing in the beginning was very captivating and unique, so awesome job with that!

Only one mistake that I could find:

You never get hungry, thirsty, or tire.
tired

Overall, this is an excellent piece so far, and I can't wait to read on in this story. PM me if/when you post more. And good luck! :)
~blacksheep
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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This is very captivating.
The line about the 'Five simple mistakes' really grabbed me and I just had to keep reading. I couldn't find any grammatical or spelling errors. Everything about it is just wonderful.
I hope you are planning to continue with this because it's amazing.




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Thanks guys! I've been trying to make this piece longer, and it's still a work in progress. I'll add more soon, so come back and see what you think!
No one is normal, everyone is weird. Including you. Yes, YOU. The unstoppable, beautiful YOU is weird. And so am I. We all are.




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Well, I found this to be quite interesting. Very detailed. I found it to be interesting because the cover itself I found to be clever. I too, think that your story is quite frank. O.K., I seem to be rambling and making less and less sense. To make a long story short, I love what you've written. Please, I beg of you, write more.
“There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.”- William Shakespeare




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Hey I'm back :)

I assume this is the paragraph you added-
I lingered around the house for a few more moments before decided to go back to my tree. Several cop cars had pulled up, and were investigating the area again. They analyzed my rotten corpse, and determined the obvious: that I had been murdered, I was strangled before death, and that a person using a gun killed me. I sighed. What good were police in a time like this? I couldn’t tell my family what happened, and all the police could figure out were the simplicities. I would have to take matter into my own hands.

It's good, but honestly I think that this should be the start of your second chapter because you ended your first chapter with kind of a cliffhanger. keep writing!
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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It's really interesting so far. I can't wait to read more. Great job <3




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This reminded me of The Lovely Bones :)

I loved how you wrote it, and the 'five fatal mistakes' drew me in. With her death though, I think you can drag it out a little. Maybe make the men, or Ashley, speak. Or create an orientation before she goes to Starbucks, so we feel sadder when she dies.
Other than that, I really love this!

♥ Renèe
Some Angels Are Destined To Fall.
Love Never Dies.



The only distinction that makes one a hero is constantly fighting back your villain arc.
— RangerofIthilien