If I Give Her To You

Gender

Points 1467

Reviews 25

Sat Mar 05, 2011 1:14 am

PurpleHeart says... · Sat Mar 05, 2011 1:14 am

The closer I get to you
The farther I stray from myself
The thoughts I had don’t come so soon
And the feelings are no longer felt

It feels good to take a break
Step back; live – Breathe
Not having to fight with resistance
Becoming more you and less me

I never forget who I am
It’s ingrained into my memory
But with each kiss you gently give
I’m temporarily allowed to erase me

For a moment I'm not my mistakes

Not the smiles I’ve banned
Or the hearts I’ve broken
For a second I’m still
Instead of always in motion

I’m not the fear in my eyes
Or the people I miss
Not the anxiety in my mind
Or the scars on my wrists

I don’t know
What I want to see
When I look in the mirror
And try to find me

But if I give her to you
And forget all the mistakes I've made
If I leave her alone for now
One day, she might be okay.

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LittlePetRock

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Points 4134

Reviews 61

Sat Mar 05, 2011 5:01 am

LittlePetRock says... · Sat Mar 05, 2011 5:01 am

Hey Chlorine! (I came up with it, don't ask. {I thought about PurpleHeart... which made me think of PH... wich somehow made me think of swimming... which made me think of Chlorine.} But it's my YWS nickname for you. So deal with it)

PurpleHeart wrote:The closer I get to you
The farther I stray from myself
The thoughts I had don’t come so soon
And the feelings are no longer felt #FF0000 ">Good beginning stanza! Though 'don't' seems a bit of a grammar fail, in my opinion. I'd use 'do not', but that's just me.

It feels good to take a break
Step back; live – Breathe
Not having to fight with resistance
Becoming more you and less me #FF0000 ">Kinda meh on this stanza.

I never forget who I am
It’s ingrained into my memory
But with each kiss you gently give
I’m temporarily allowed to erase me #FF0000 ">This stanza is going great... then for some reason I feel like the last line lacks something. It has SO MUCH potential... but it's like it's lacking.

For a moment I'm not my mistakes

Not the smiles I’ve banned
Or the hearts I’ve broken
For a second I’m still
Instead of always in motion #FF0000 ">Not too bad, but not so fantastic either. (But really... who wants a poem that each line absolutely blows your mind?)

I’m not the fear in my eyes
Or the people I miss
Not the anxiety in my mind
Or the scars on my wrists #FF0000 ">E-e-e-e-emo!

I don’t know
What I want to see
When I look in the mirror
And try to find me #FF0000 ">Good.

But if I give her to you
And forget all the mistakes I've made
If I leave her alone for now
One day, she might be okay. #FF0000 ">Awww.

#FF0000 ">Overall: This is an 'aight poem. Though the title and the poem as a whole is kind of confusing.

Keep writing!

--LPR.

Star light; star bright,
It is time to take flight.
Off I go through the dark of night.
All my hopes and dreams in sight.

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StoryWeaver13

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Points 28282

Reviews 884

Sat Mar 05, 2011 5:42 am

StoryWeaver13 says... · Sat Mar 05, 2011 5:42 am

This was sweet, but I agree with what I think LittlePetRock was saying; you build it up but then just kind of miss the mark and leave it kind of flat. If I were you, I'd ditch the rhyme scheme completely, because it's weak and holding back your poem. I also agree, that one line was too emo. XP It's not that I'm anti-emo or anything, but it makes teenage poetry sound all angsty and typical. It's kind of like a cliche, a barrier you have to steer clear of.
All the same, this was good. Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket

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spartacus

Gender

Points 1345

Reviews 32

Sun Mar 06, 2011 3:01 am

spartacus says... · Sun Mar 06, 2011 3:01 am

This a fantastic poem and wonderfully written.It has rythme but a uneven tempo.The originality is great and so un-cliche.There is such a riveting style and pathetic emotion to the words.Its great and all but has so much potential!Edit this and keep on writing!Good luck!
~spartacus~

the cuts on my wrist was a story on its own ~dreamer~

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PurpleHeart

Gender

Points 1467

Reviews 25

Tue Mar 08, 2011 2:44 pm

PurpleHeart says... · Tue Mar 08, 2011 2:44 pm

Thanks everybody!
I'll try to work on building it up better, as well as the rhyming scheme - i wrote this several months ago so it was hard to revise it to put it on here. haha
i know the one line is probably way too emo, but hey - thats me, and i'm not gonna take it out. Sorry.

Thanks for commenting guys! I really appreciate it!

-PurpleHeart

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VousEsEtonnant

Gender

Points 0

Reviews 67

Tue Mar 15, 2011 11:28 pm

VousEsEtonnant says... · Tue Mar 15, 2011 11:28 pm

I love this poem! Its so relatable. -_- I hate it when people downplay emo. Come, look at my scars, try to put a sharp object to your skin and push hard, feel the total cold numbness of loss, depression, dizzying numbness, and stomache churning infinite blackness, then tell me how lightly you $!%#*@/?! treat emo/depression. But. Yeah. Really, great poem.

"And when you're out there,
without care, yeah,
I was out of touch!
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough,
I just knew too much."

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VousEsEtonnant

Gender

Points 0

Reviews 67

Tue Mar 15, 2011 11:31 pm

VousEsEtonnant says... · Tue Mar 15, 2011 11:31 pm

Oop, I said numbness twice.

"And when you're out there,
without care, yeah,
I was out of touch!
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough,
I just knew too much."

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