Realms & Adventures of the Ancient's Court Chapter 2

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The sun began to rise on an island in the middle of the Janenia Sea. The island was rather large, with jagged rocks and boulders making up its shore, making escaping the prison of the island almost impossible. On a large cliff was a worn out mansion.

If anyone looked closely at the island they would see hundreds of children of different races walking around, talking, or flying. Most of the children's eyes were filled with pain clouded eyes. That was, until two young girls came to the island. Their eyes were full of fear but they smiled at the creatures and spoke softly," We will free ourselves!"

The creatures glanced at each other warily before nodding. One boy or girl from each of the creatures stepped forward towards the two girls, their eyes burning with a hidden knowledge, centuries old. They could all feel the unspeakable power and love within the girls. They were their leaders.

Standing in front was a girl with long black hair and seemingly frozen gold eyes, the color of molten liquid gold. On her back was a pair of pure white feathered wings with silver swirls. All the creatures stared at her in obvious adoration and trust. Their eyes turning cold with rage at The Master who had cut her cheek, threatening to do worse.

The Master owned the island and several of the smaller islands around it. He had short black hair. His eyes were an ice cold black color, as cold and unfeeling as the rocks that blocked almost every escape.

He gripped Eva's arm roughly shoving her forward, revealing her twin behind her to the other creatures. Several of them knew that she was their ruler as well. She had long black hair, not as dark as her sister's. Her eyes were a deep sea blue. On her back were ice blue and silver wings. She let off an air of gentleness but also a dark and deadly power.

One of the boys looked at them saying," Hello, Lykra and Fae. I am of Seranins."

Eva looked at him, knowing somehow that he was trustworthy "What's your name? I'm Eva Bloodrose."

The boy smiled brightly, his sea green eyes sparking slightly with a small amount of joy as he said softly, "My name is Malak Shadow Soul."

Eva smiled at him, her gold eyes calculating as she watched The Master walk up to his mansion and the children began to gather into groups around the twins. Maya's eyes flared black as the Old Species approached her. Their eyes full of adoration and hope as they looked at her, their faces masking the pain and suffering they were feeling.

Maya spoke softly, "What's going on in this place?"

A girl with long ruby red hair with silver highlights and burning emerald eyes spoke up then saying, "We are prisoners. He plans on using us for experiments or as weapons against the other races since we are the legendary society of the Ascar Realms leaded by the Ancient's Court. Each of the members are marked on their birth the seal of the Ancients. I am one of them, so are Malak, Devas, and Raven."

Eva glanced at the creatures and spoke, her voice full of determination, "Time here is slow, I felt the barrier as we came within sight of the islands. We are only five but by the time we leave and are able to escape this prison 6,000 years will have passed on the outside. Not all of us will survive till then others will not be well enough to escape. We must believe in ourselves and the Ancient Ways. We must never forget them."

They all smiled, all determined to see the Court break free, even if they are the last to survive the next 6,000 years of prison here. They silently began to train to unlock the powers lying dormant in each of them.

Years passed and the children grew. Eva and Maya began learning to deal with the hardships of the island, as they began to search the island. Eva ran up the mountains, her eyes flickering longingly at the birds, envious of their ability to fly. Her beautiful white and silver swirled designed wings were not able to support her weight yet. Sitting down besides the ancient red oak tree she stared up at the clouds, feeling a soft humming music in her head, pulsing as if something was waiting for her to awaken.

Maya sat down by the ocean, her blue eyes glancing longingly at the sea, her long black, completely curly hair, blowing back in the harsh gust of cold wind. The glowing owl pendant seems to burn into her skins as she felt Eva's pendant burning as well. Silently she knew today was the day, the day they escaped with the four others. Maya's eyes flared burning silver as The Master stood behind her, sending chills up her spine.

Turning she saw the cold gaze in his eyes as he silenced her as she opened her mouth to speak. Closing it she turned back to the sea, determined to ignore him as he raised his hand to strike her, Devas moved, gripping his arm tightly, and his normal acid green eyes were a burning searing violet. The plants jumped at the force of Devas' will, binding The Master down as Malak appeared carrying, Eva who was clinging to a baby shadow panther and a white tiger cub.

Turning to face the ocean once again Maya watched as a blue phoenix landed on her shoulder. Its feathers were pure white and icy blue. Its eyes were beautiful silver with sapphire specks. Cradled in Aeritha's arms was an earth wolf cub and following Malak was a beautiful silver dragon.

Eva moved swiftly jumping off the cliff and landing softly on the ocean waves, floating slowly as they ran up to the mainland, almost visible on the horizon. Landing softly in the forest by the beach of the mainland, the six friends cautiously began the trek through the woods.

Just as the night began to rise they heard a scream. They stopped dead in their tracks and listened, hearing the girl's scream again they raced forward, following the sound to a densely populated area full of wolves and bears. Turning Eva saw a young girl about 12 in age being dragging by a Dijn, looking almost like The Master.

Moving Eva jumped forward, drawing on the dark energy inside her, covering the man in a shadow and pinned him to the ground, forcing him to let the girl go. Maya hissed angrily at the girl snapping softly," Vampire."

The girl looked up her eyes were a burning crimson as he she hissed, "Fae."
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.




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Hi, I'm Nephthys, and I will be reviewing your lovely story today! :)

The sun began to rise on an island in the middle of the Janenia Sea. The island was rather large, with jagged rocks and boulders making up its shore, making escaping the prison of the island almost impossible. On a large cliff was a worn out mansion.

Is there anything that you can substitute one of the "making"s for?

Also, I'd like to see a little more description of the island - What kind of vegetation does it have? Are the prison and the mansion the only buildings? What does the mansion look like?

Most of the children's eyes were filled (clouded) with pain clouded eyes.

This does not quite make sense. Is this better?

Their eyes were full of fear(,) but they smiled at the creatures and spoke softly," We will free ourselves!"

I like this! But by "creatures" do you mean children?

The creatures glanced at each other warily before nodding. One boy or girl from each of the creatures (species?) stepped forward towards the two girls, their eyes burning with a hidden knowledge, centuries old. They could all feel the unspeakable power and love within the girls. They were their leaders.

I feel like should be a new paragraph. Who is doing the leading?

Standing in front was a girl with long black hair and seemingly frozen gold eyes, the color of molten liquidgold. On her back was a pair of pure white feathered wings with silver swirls. All the creatures stared at her in obvious adoration and trust. Their eyes turning cold with rage at The Master who had cut her cheek, threatening to do worse.

Molten and liquid seems redundant.

You might get this torn apart by people telling you to "show, not tell". I personally like the way you've started off telling, because it makes the story feel like an ancient myth or something.

However, you then continue the "telling", and I lost all sense of time in your piece!

His eyes were an ice coldblack color, as cold and unfeeling as the rocks that blocked almost every escape.

I think there are too many words here. You can get your point across with less.

Maya's eyes flared black as the Old Species approached her.

Who and/or what is the Old Species? I am getting very confused!!!

Maya sat down by the ocean, her blue eyes glancing longingly at the sea, her long black, completely curly hair, blowing back in the harsh gust of cold wind.

I think this is too much time spent describing your character's hair and eyes! Yes, we know what they look like!
The glowing owl pendant seems to burn into her skins as she felt Eva's pendant burning as well.

Please pick a verb tense and stick to it!

OVERALL:

1) This is an interesting subject, and I like the vocabulary that you've chosen to describe the world with. However, I think that this story moves WAY too fast. Take your time, and really explain to the reader what is going on! Don't be afraid to spend a couple more sentences describing the environment, for example.

2) Also, I confess that I gave up understanding this story towards the end, because the sense of time within this is REALLY weird! You skip over things like exits and entrances (what is up with The Master suddenly appearing all the time?), and you allow years to pass in between some paragraphs, while others take place over a few seconds, without letting your reader know the difference! I really don't know how to explain this properly, but your sense of time within this piece is VERY confusing, and I suspect that is why you haven't gotten any reviews yet - because it makes the story very hard to understand! I would suggest sitting down with someone face to face and going through the story together, so that you can sort out exactly what kind of a timeline this piece is moving on, and how you can better get it across to your readers.

Hope this helps! :)
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- There is no sin except stupidity - Oscar Wilde -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-



Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.
— Bishop Desmond Tutu