Realms & Adventures of the Ancient's Court

Prologue

Siva glanced behind her as she held her twin daughters. The animals were keeping a close eye out for their shared enemy, Dijns. Cloaking the night around her, Siva looked down at her five year old daughters, deep sadness and joy sweeping through her.

Wind rustled the leaves, sending them falling, abandoned on the cold wet ground as rain poured and lightning lit the sky as thunder exploded through the air, sending the twins crying in fear.

Tears filled the mother's deep amethyst eyes as the oldest twin, Eva, looked up, her eyes, the twins of her mother's, were full of confusion and the innocence of a child, as she clung to her mother's leg.

Siva knelt down beside Maya and Eva and whispered urgently, her voice soft and despaired," Eva, Maya you must never forget how much I love you, how much your ancestors love you."

Maya glanced up at her mother, confusing clouding her deep dark blue eyes. She tightened her grip on her twin's ice green shirt.

Siva pulled out a necklace with an owl carved out of an ancient stone called the Bloodsoul gem. Securing it around Maya's neck, she said, her eyes turning silverish amethyst," On this day, December 31rst, I, Siva Shadow Bloodrose nee NightDreams, hereby seal away Maya Salvor Bloodrose's heritage until she reaches 6,000 years.

Placing a charm on the necklace to keep it from breaking she sealed away a crimson magical energy as she pulled out another necklace of the same stone, only as a white tiger pendant. Securing it around Maya's neck she said," On this day, December 31rst, I, Siva Shadow Bloodrose nee NightDreams, hereby seal away Eva Lauran Bloodrose's heritage until she reaches 6,000 years."

A deep green magical energy enveloped itself into the necklace as Siva drew back, her face deathly pale, and her eyes turning unfocused as she fell over, the strain of sealing away the two most strongest and important heritages stealing her life.

Maya and Eva looked at their mother, tears spilling their eyes as they clung to each other in the cold dark night. The animals came forward, mourning the death of their protector.

A man stood in front of the twins, his blood red eyes full of fury as he glared down at the dead mother who had defiled his plans. Grabbing the twins he took them away, deep into the Frenair Realm.

Hello:] Bunny here to review.
Okay, so overall impressions:
Your grammar was mostly very clear and consistent which made reading this bearable, and you didn't have any weird spelling mistakes as far as I could tell from a single reading. That being said, despite that you're wanting this to stand as a prologue for your story, I didn't feel that I got very much from this. I figure a prologue is meant to entice with a preview of the delightful story telling to come without giving too much away, and I felt this might have only satisfied the second point. While you made things vague enough, such as with what dangers these twins will face and the nature of their mother's charm, to make the reader wonder, perhaps that lack of clarity went a little south. I felt intrigued at first by what could possibly be awaiting them in the forest, but as I read I just became more unsure and less interested. Still, I don't think you need to lay down a summation of your entire plot here by any means, but perhaps more descriptive detail and emotional depth could be added to really connect the reader to scene.
Here are just a few places that I think could be altered or added to (all suggestions, of course):

Cloaking the night around her, Siva looked down at her five year old daughters, deep sadness and joy swept through her.

Okay, first, there are some tense issues in this sentence. If you want to keep "deep sadness and joy" be sure to change "swept" to "sweeping" so the tense matches with the beginning phrase, otherwise it's not only awkward to read but ungrammatical. Second, I think this could be a part where you really grip your audience and make them feel for your characters. You could go into more detail about those contrasting emotions of sadness and joy and touch on the roots of these feelings. It's understood that these feelings stem from her love toward her daughters, but what is Siva thinking? What memories does that glance down at them ignite? Does she feel other things besides sadness and joy? These are all things I wondered after reading this, and I think it would really benefit the story tom maybe elaborate on points such as those.

Siva knelt down beside Maya and Eva and whispered urgently, her voice soft and despaired filled," Eva, Maya you must never forget how much I love you, how much your ancestors love you."

I would suggest changing "soft and despaired filled" to simply "soft and despaired." A lot less awkward in my opinion. Other than that, I thought this moment was touching, a tug on the heartstrings that a scene such as this needs in order to hold your reader's attention, so good work. Also, the mention of ancestors lends itself to the mystery aspect of this piece without being annoyingly vague. Overall, this was nicely done, so I think applying this sort of thought to other moments would maintaining this emotional intensity and mystery at the same time.

Maya and Eva looked at their mother, tears spilling their eyes as they clung to each other in the cold dark night.

Here is another place I felt could've had more punch to it in the emotional department. Sure, the twins are crying and clinging to each other which emotes sadness and desperation, but surely thoughts of fear and abandonment and confusion are sweeping through these children as they stand before their suddenly dead mother. Play around with describing their thoughts and feelings in maybe just another companion sentence, nothing ridiculously long or convoluted but just enough to really milk this moment for all it's worth.

Grabbing the twins he took them away, deep into the Frenair Realm, unknown to him that his plans were going to be crushed.

Besides any of my aforementioned complaints, what I felt could really be enhanced was your ending. Such a point as these twins being taken by an unknown man should be crucial in the overall plot of your story, so why not elaborate more on the event? Maybe add more description of the man other than the color of his eyes, such as his manner of standing, his facial expression, the aura that surrounds him. And I'm fairly sure that a couple of five year olds that just witnessed the death of their mother wouldn't go willingly with some strange, angry-looking man in the dead of night, no? Yeah, didn't think so. I think a little struggle would be in order, maybe some crying and futile resistance. If anything, focus on making this part most intense, because you want to propel your reader on into the rest of your story.

I think what you have is good, and you seem to have a developed knowledge of the construction of the language, but I would suggest tackling this piece again and really sink your teeth into the emotional details. Because it is so short and because it is supposed to leave so many questions unanswered, your only option as far as adding description is in your character's thoughts and feelings. So yeah, add some of that if I hadn't already repeated that point ad nauseum. But really, I don't want to delude you into thinking this wasn't worth the efforts. You have some interesting ideas here, and I'm sure the rest of the story following has just as much mystery and mysticism surrounding it. Just touch on this again and have fun playing with details. :}
If you have any questions at all, please drop me a line, and I'll be happy to answer them. Hope this helped in some way!
Much loves,
Bunny

Hi! I'll try and be thorough here, hopefully its actually helpful. Red is just changes I'd recommend, then I'll put comments and other suggestions. First, I want to say I like where its going, though I agree with Bunny on the fact that it could have done a bit more to pull me in. Also, I'd say be more descriptive. Show me the area, their looks...don't just tell me. Now, a few grammar things/opinions.

Cloaked by the night around her, Siva looked down at her five year old daughters, and deep sadness and joy swept through her.

I'd recommend using a pronoun for Siva here, simply because you used the name once in the sentence previously and it just sounds a tad repetitive. Not a big thing.

Wind rustled the leaves, sending them falling, abandoned on the cold wet ground as rain poured and lightning lit the sky as thunder exploded through the air, sending the twins crying in fear.

Very much a run on. Try breaking it up. The wording also sounds awkward to me, but I think that may just be because of the run on. If you broke it up between "falling" and "abandoned" I think that would fix the awkward wording.

Tears filled the mother's deep amethyst eyes as the oldest twin, Eva, looked up, her eyes, the twins of her mother's, were full of confusion and the innocence of a child, as she clung to her mother's leg.

Again, I think this is a bit of a run on here. Rather than saying that the little girl's eyes were "twins" of her mothers, I'd recommend saying they mirrored them, or something similar to that. It just works better, especially when you are already talking about twin girls.

Maya glanced up at her mother, confusion clouding her deep dark blue eyes. She tightened her grip on her twin's ice green shirt.

Eh, the eye color here just seems forced. I almost felt it was earlier, but the idea of them mirroring her mother's eyes made it work for me, I think. Here, however, I don't really think it fits; same with the other girl's shirt color. I don't think its exactly essential for us to know the other girl is wearing an ice green shirt (which, I can't form a picture of for lack of really understand what green ice would look like).

You seem to really focus on eyes for the characters, but there is so much more that could tell us about these people. Now, looks don't always give a person's character away and eyes are the windows to the soul, right? But, show me this man. Is he sketchy looking, or friendly looking? Don't just tell me the character's eye color, and that one is wearing a green shirt. I know its early on, but the attempt at showing each character's eye color just seems a bit like a last minute throw-in for descriptions of them. I think it'd almost be better to just wait and show us the characters later.

Overall, I like it. I'll definitely read the next part (I think I saw it already? I'd be happy to review it as well, if you'd like). I think it could definitely evoke more emotion, though, as Bunny also said. Show how upset the girls are, make the reader feel that emotion. This has potential to be a very interesting read!

Thanks for the reviews y'all and i'll try to work on it more hahaha once i'm done with speech ^^

This sounds like a pretty good story. its the kind of stuff i read.

i know its just a prologue but what was his plans and how did they get crush...

but it not a big deal im sure this will be made clear a little later in the story.
I hope to see more of this.

********Jessig833********

Alright, another new story!

Siva glanced behind her as she held her twin daughters. The animals were keeping a close eye out for their shared enemy, Dijns. Cloaking the night around her, Siva looked down at her five year old daughters, period or semicolon here instead deep sadness and joy swept through her.

Wind rustled the leaves, sending them falling, abandoned on the cold wet ground as rain poured and lightning lit the sky as thunder exploded through the air, sending the twins crying in fear. This is quite a large sentence and needs to be broken up into parts. Any sentence that gets difficult to say in one breath needs to be revised.

Tears filled the mother's deep amethyst eyes as the oldest twin, Eva, looked up, period her eyes, the twins of her mother's, were full of confusion and the innocence of a child, as she clung to her mother's leg.

Siva knelt down beside Maya and Eva and whispered urgently, her voice soft and despaired filled," Eva, Maya you must never forget how much I love you, how much your ancestors love you."

Maya glanced up at her mother, confusing confusion clouding her deep dark blue eyes. She tightened her grip on her twin's ice green shirt. I like that you’re describing more, giving us colors, but you can still take it to a whole different level. Keep in mind that there is much more to a person’s description than the color of their eyes. Describe what makes them stand out. Maybe they have a sharp jaw or wild hair. Maybe they have long limbs or a pouted lip. Make your characters unique.

Siva pulled out a necklace with an owl carved out of an ancient stone called the Bloodsoul gem. Securing it around Maya's neck, she said, her eyes turning silverish amethyst," On this day, December 31rst, I, Siva Shadow Bloodrose nee NightDreams, hereby seal away Maya Salvor Bloodrose's heritage until she reaches 6,000 years.

Placing a charm on the necklace to keep it from breaking she sealed away a crimson magical energy as she pulled out another necklace of the same stone, only as a white tiger pendant. Securing it around Maya's neck do you mean Eva’s neck? she said," On this day, December 31rst, I, Siva Shadow Bloodrose nee NightDreams, hereby seal away Eva Lauran Bloodrose's heritage until she reaches 6,000 years."

A deep green magical energy enveloped itself into the necklace as Siva drew back, her face deathly pale, and her eyes turning unfocused as she fell over, I really like this description the strain of sealing away the two most strongest and important heritages stealing her life.

Maya and Eva looked at their mother, tears spilling their eyes as they clung to each other in the cold dark night. The animals came forward, mourning the death of their protector. I really like this part too!

A man stood in front of the twins, his blood red eyes full of fury as he glared down at the dead mother who had defiled his plans. Grabbing the twins he took them away, deep into the Frenair Realm, unknown to him that his plans were going to be crushed. The last part takes away a lot of suspense. Simply stating that his plans will be crushed loses all the excitement in the story. It’s just like spoiling the ending; how are we supposed to read a story where we know one hundred percent that the bad guy is not going to win?

This is my favorite story of yours so far. I like the fantasy feel to it, and the necklaces really interest me. Also, the ancestral magic is cool too, because I’m so used to reading magic like spells and bolts of lightning, where this feels more ancient.

I’m very happy with the way you set up this story, taking us to the beginning, where it all started. The catalyst. The death of these children’s mother, and the beginning of their journey.

You have a lot of potential here. If I would give you any advice on how to make this better, I would say add more personality to the mother, because this is probably the only time we get to see her. You can always add more details in the twin’s memories of her, but her actions here will determine a lot of what we think of her character.

Besides that, I really agree with Bunny’s review. Be sure to go back and edit this.
Keep it up,
~blacksheep

I really want to know what happens next! Great cliff hanger! Love it! You have a very original sounding story here, keep it up!